


The Watcher - Season 2

by gumboy



Series: The Watcher [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Gen, Post-Africa Xander, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 07:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 114,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4952359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gumboy/pseuds/gumboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The further adventures of Xander Harris and his slayer as an enemy and failures from Xander's past comes back to haunt him.</p><p>Script format. Ignoring all comic book canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Changes

TEASER

INT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - GRAVE SITE  
A newly "born" vampire bursts through the ground and crawls up  
through the dirt. He looks up and sees a catholic school girl  
outfit.

VAMPIRE  
Slayer.

The vampire is blasted with a stream of holy water. He screams  
as his skins sizzles.

ANGLE ON:

MAYA. She's holding her Super Soaker gun.

MAYA  
No. But I suggest you just let me stake you  
now and get it over with.

VOICE(OS)  
Or what?

Maya looks around and sees that three more vampires have  
appeared around her.

MAYA  
Okay... now if you guys are smart, you  
either run off or let me stake you before my  
boyfriend shows up.

VAMPIRE #2  
Why? He the jealous type?

JORDY(OS)  
No.

Vampire #2 explodes into dust. Jordy appears behind him, stake  
in hand.

JORDY  
Just a werewolf.

Jordy partially transforms. The two vampires look at each other  
and run off in opposite directions. Jordy snarls and is about  
to run after but...

MAYA(OS)  
Jordy!

Jordy turns and sees that the remaining vampire has immobilized  
her and is about to snack. Jordy attacks and stabs the vampire  
from behind. He explodes into dust. Maya unfortunately gets a  
lung full and has a coughing attack.

XANDER(OS)  
(filtered)  
Moose to Boris and Natasha. Come in.

Maya pulls out her pda/cell and speaks into it.

MAYA  
Hey Moose. Got surrounded. Two got loose.  
One is heading your way, another toward  
Squirrel.

XANDER(OS)  
(filtered)  
Roger.

Maya coughs again and Jordy helps her up.

MAYA  
Vampire dust doesn't cause cancer does it?

JORDY  
Yeah, but the Surgeon General is having a  
hell of a time trying to get them to wear  
labels.

MAYA  
Smart ass.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - ELSEWHERE

Vampire #3 is running away from Maya and Jordy. He turns his  
head to see if they are following and slows down when he sees  
they aren't.

XANDER(OS)  
Just where do you think you're going?

The vampire turns to see Xander. He is now wearing sunglasses  
to cover his damaged eyes. The vampire stops and laughs.

VAMPIRE  
Who do you think you are? Corey Hart?

Xander smirks.

XANDER  
Oh! 'Cuz I wear my sunglasses at night. I  
get that.

The vampire laughs some more. Xander laughs with him. That is  
until Xander whips out a handheld crossbow and sends a quarrel  
into the vamp's chest. The vampire looks down at the quarrel  
just as he turns into dust.

XANDER  
Smart ass.

Xander pulls out his cell/pda out his coat pocket.

XANDER  
(grumbling)  
All summer long, that's all I hear. Think  
these guys would come up with something  
better...  
(on cell)  
Moose to Squirrel. One is heading your way.  
Do you read me Squirrel?

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - YET ANOTHER ELSEWHERE

The fourth vampire is running full bore. He turns his head to  
see if anyone is following him and gets a punch in the head for  
not looking. He falls to the ground.

VAMPIRE #4  
Oh my god it's...  
(suddenly confused)  
Who the hell are you?

Out of the shadows steps... An Asian woman holding a stake??

CHAO-AHN  
Wo shi Chao-Ahn! Xi xue gui zai zhe!

VAMPIRE #4  
What?

CHAO-AHN  
(points to herself)  
Chao-Ahn!  
(makes stabbing motion with stake)  
Slayer!

VAMPIRE #4  
Slayer? You? but...

Chao-Ahn sighs in frustration, yanks the vampire up and throws  
him against a grave stone

CHAO-AHN  
Slayer! Slayer!

ANGLE ON:  
Xander, Jordy and Maya sit on a couple of grave stones and  
watch Chao-Ahn go to town on the vampire.

MAYA  
Don't get me wrong. I love Liv, but I'm  
going to miss her.

JORDY  
Language barrier withstanding.

MAYA  
Of course.

JORDY  
I'm getting really tired of being called  
"hairy dog boy".

MAYA  
Who wouldn't?

JORDY  
When does Liv get back?

XANDER  
Tomorrow night.

MAYA  
She won't have enough time to get over the  
jet lag before school starts.

JORDY  
What's the time difference between here and  
London?

MAYA  
Too late to call each other at a decent  
hour. I've been living off e-mail. Why?

JORDY  
I was just hoping that it was one of those  
time zone things where she left tomorrow but  
arrived home yesterday.

MAYA  
Freak.  
(regarding Chao-Ahn)  
She's really letting him have it tonight  
isn't she?

XANDER  
Yeah, she needs to wrap this up.  
(butchering the Chinese language)  
Chao-Ahn! Wan cheng nin de tang!

Chao-Ahn gives Xander a confused look.

CHAO-AHN  
What?

The vampire takes advantage of the break in action and sucker  
punches Chao-Ahn.

JORDY  
I think you just told her to finish her  
soup.

XANDER  
Oops.

MAYA  
Well... there's one way to end this quickly.

XANDER  
Maya, don't do...

MAYA  
Chao-Ahn! Hurry up! Xander promised us ice  
cream!

XANDER  
Oh, for crying out loud.

CHAO-AHN  
(cursing)  
Gai si!

Chou-an quickly pummels the Vampire into submission.

XANDER  
Here we go...

Chou-An stakes the vampire and dusts him. She turns to the Odd  
squad with a venomous look.

CHAO-AHN  
Lactose intolerant! Lactose intolerant! What  
wrong with you people?! Why won't listen?!

Chou-An walks off in a huff. Xander and the odd squad follows.

MAYA  
Don't get me wrong. I love Liv, but I'm  
really going to miss her.

CHAO-AHN  
(muttering)  
Yu ben de ren min! Wo duo shao ci bi xu gao  
su zhau xie Scooby shi bai zhe Wo shi ru  
tang bu kuan rong!

MAYA  
(correcting)  
Odd squad.

CHAO-AHN  
Whatever!

Maya and Jordy smile at each other. Xander shakes his head.

INT. CAPE KENNETH AIRPORT

Xander and Lucy Fontaine walk down the terminal. Xander is  
carrying a white cane with a red tip and is being guided by  
Lucy. They are followed by Chao-Ahn, Jordy and Maya.

LUCY  
We're going to take a left up here.

XANDER  
(gently)  
I know Luce. I'm not really blind, remember?  
This part is just an act.

LUCY  
Sorry. Working in a hospital with real blind  
people, you tend to forget.

MAYA  
You should get a seeing eye dog.

XANDER  
Why would I do that when I have Jordy?

JORDY  
You know what? Joke was only funny the first  
hundred times.

MAYA  
Down boy.

JORDY  
Woof.

LUCY  
I can't believe I haven't seen my daughter  
in three months. We've never been apart that  
long.

MAYA  
Same here.

XANDER  
Oh it wasn't that long.

LUCY  
It just feels long. I know this slayer  
exchange program was a good idea at the  
time, but I don't like being away from my  
baby girl for so long.

Xander smiles. He cocks his head to the side as though hearing  
something.

XANDER  
Don't worry. Your baby girl is now walking  
down the terminal and hasn't changed a ...

Xander's face grows troubled.

XANDER  
Uh-oh.

The group exchange worried glances.

LUCY  
Are you having a vision? Are we in danger?

XANDER  
Uh... no.

LUCY  
What is it?

XANDER  
Um...

Chao-Ahn cocks her head and points down the terminal.

CHAO-AHN  
What happen to Liv?

Everyone except Xander looks around then gives Chao-Ahn a  
confused look.

MAYA  
Where is she?

LIV(OS)  
Hey guys.

ANGLE ON:

Liv. But not the one we remember. Gone are the thick framed  
glasses, geeky outfit and mousy hair.

In its place are tight leather pants, a midriff baring t-shirt  
advertising a punk rock band, no glasses and a stylish hairdo  
with funky highlights.

If there were a guitar riff playing right now it would probably  
be from George Thurgood's Bad to the Bone.

Liv gives a flashy smile to her friends and family.

LIV  
Miss me?

Everyone is pretty much gobsmacked...

XANDER  
Hol-

LUCY  
-lee

MAYA  
Crap.

Maya looks over at Jordy whose mouth is hanging open. She rolls  
her eyes and closes his jaw.

Lucy gives Xander a stony glare.

LUCY  
Somehow. Someway. This is all your fault.

GO TO BLACK

XANDER(VO)  
Aw, Crap.

END TEASER

ACT I

INT. CAPE KENNETH AIRPORT - MOMENTS LATER

Maya and Chao-Ahn run and hug Liv. Jordy is still gobsmacked.

MAYA  
Oh my god! You look so badass!

Liv giggles.

LIV  
I know!

Chao-Ahn and Liv start speaking in a flurry of Chinese to fast  
to follow. Lucy is trying to get a grip on the situation.

LUCY  
Who...? What...? How...?

JORDY  
All valid questions.

Xander tilts his head to the side again and then shakes it.

XANDER  
(sighs)  
Dawn.

JORDY  
That a valid answer?

XANDER  
Yes.

LUCY  
I'm so going to kick her ass.

LIV  
Guys!

Jordy, Xander and Lucy turn to Liv.

LIV  
(referring to Chao-Ahn)  
She's lactose intolerant! It's not funny!

CHAO-AHN  
Told you!

MAYA  
So stopping at 31 flavors before we came  
here was kind of twisting the knife, huh?

Liv grins and practically tackles Maya in a huge hug.

LIV  
I've missed you so much!

MAYA  
Me too!

LUCY  
My daughter... is wearing leather pants.

Liv smiles and gives her Mom a hug.

LIV  
Hi Mom.

LUCY  
You're wearing leather pants.

LIV  
I know. Aren't they great?

LUCY  
No!

LIV  
Mom!

LUCY  
You're fifteen!

LIV  
Almost sixteen!

LUCY  
You're wearing leather pants.

LIV  
You're channeling grandmother.

LUCY  
You... are... wearing... leather... pants.

LIV  
I'm wearing leather pants. Try another  
track.

Lucy shakes her head, looks down and sighs.

LUCY  
Why are you showing off your navel?

LIV  
Because it's better than showing off my  
tattoo.

Xander and Lucy react in horror.

LUCY  
Tattoo!

LIV  
Kidding!

XANDER  
Oh thank God.

Liv looks at Xander and smiles.

LIV  
Hey X-man!

XANDER  
X-man?

Liv awkwardly approaches Xander and gives him a hug.

LIV  
Like my new look?

Xander gives her a big grin.

XANDER  
Actually... kind of glad I'm blind at the  
moment.

Liv gives a half smile.

LIV  
Right. um...

XANDER  
Shall we see how much of your luggage was  
lost?

LIV  
Okay! Ooo! Prizes for everyone!

Everyone except Xander, Lucy and Jordy run to the baggage  
terminal.

LUCY  
Oh my God. My daughter's officially a  
teenager.

XANDER  
Could be worse. She could've been hanging  
out with Faith.

Lucy gives Xander an amused glare and walks off

LUCY  
Still your fault.

Xander follows her.

XANDER  
How is this my fault?

Jordy stands, still lost in space.

JORDY  
Whoa.  
(realizes that he is by himself)  
Where'd everyone go?

Jordy turns and runs to catch up.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy and Liv come in and dumps luggage on the floor.

LIV  
(ala Ricky Ricardo)  
Lucy! I'm home!

LUCY  
You know I hate it when you say that.

Liv gives Lucy a bear hug.

LIV  
Miss me?

LUCY  
Horribly.

LIV  
Me too.

Lucy kisses her forehead.

LUCY  
Tired?

Jordy and Xander come in with a ton of luggage and drop in on  
the floor. Maya and Chao-Ahn follow.

JORDY  
I know I am. What have you got in these  
things? Ingots?

LIV  
I caught some sleep on the plane. I don't  
really need a lot of sleep anymore. I used  
the time to go over the curriculum for all  
our classes and developed a study plan, a  
calendar and a study group schedule for the  
next quarter.

Jordy and Maya roll their eyes. Lucy gives a sigh of relief.

LUCY  
Oh thank God, my little girl is still in  
there...

Lucy looks at the leather pants again.

LUCY  
Someplace.

LIV  
Let it go, Mom.

MAYA  
You spent a twelve hour flight getting ready  
for school?

LIV  
Yes.

MAYA  
Your badass status has been officially revoked.

CHAO-AHN  
What is this "badass"?

MAYA  
Me.

CHAO-AHN  
Oh. You don't want to be her.

LUCY  
Are you tired honey?

LIV  
Actually, I'm kind of itching to get out on  
patrol.

CHAO-AHN  
I come with.

LIV  
All right. Let's go.

LUCY  
But you haven't had anything to eat.

LIV  
I ate 20 bags of honey roasted peanuts on  
the plane. I'm good to go. Let's go Chao-  
Ahn.

XANDER  
Uh-uh. I don't think so Missy. You aren't  
going out on patrol like that. Fatigues and  
Kevlar are still required young lady.

LIV  
Come on Xandie. I haven't worn those all  
summer.

XANDER  
No buts or come-on's. Kevlar and fatigues.  
You're dealing with American demons now.  
Those British demons are nothing but nancy  
boys and ponces.

Liv rolls her eyes.

LIV  
Fine. Whatever.

Liv stomps upstairs.

XANDER  
And you'll eat dinner before you go out  
young lady!

MAYA  
Whoa... Look at mister put my foot down.

XANDER  
Nobody calls me Xandie and gets away with  
it.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Liv and Chao are in the middle of a battle between three  
vampires. Liv jumps in punches one and side kicks another.  
Chao-Ahn is facing the other vampire and throws two punches,  
drops and sweeps the leg knocking the vampire over.

The two vampires recover and charge at Liv at the same time.  
Liv performs a 360 degree spinning kick, knocking one vampire  
to the ground; then ducks under the one vampire's attacks and  
stakes him in the chest.

Chao's vampire recovers and starts with a series of punches  
that she blocks. As Liv throws a few more punches on her  
remaining vampire, she sees that Chao is getting into trouble.  
Liv blocks a punch, stakes the vampire and throws the stake at  
Chao-Ahn's back while yelling...

LIV  
Duck!

Chao-Ahn ducks and falls to the ground. The stake hits the  
vampire square in the chest and he explodes into dust. Chao  
sighs in relief as she dusts herself off.

NOTE: The following conversation is in Chinese with a Cantonese  
dialect. Everything is subtitled.

CHAO-AHN  
Thanks. Nice moves.

Liv helps Chao-Ahn up and the begin to walk through the grave  
yard.

LIV  
Thanks. That summer training program really  
put me through the paces.

CHAO-AHN  
Wish I could say the same.

LIV  
Sounds like you were pretty bored. Nothing  
apocalypsey happened this summer?

CHAO-AHN  
Not really. There was this supposed vampire  
cult trying to kill a lot of cheerleaders,  
but it just turned out to be one vampire  
with an ego complex. Hairy-Dog-Boy and I  
were able to take care of him.

LIV  
(laughs)  
Hairy-Dog-Boy? He's a werewolf Chao.

CHAO-AHN  
I know. I just call him Hairy Dog Boy to  
tease him. He's nice a guy. Laconic but  
nice. Not like the other one.

LIV  
Maya? Oh, she wouldn't be torturing you if  
you she didn't like you. She's just trying  
to get your goat.

CHAO-AHN  
I don't have a goat. Why would she think I  
have a goat? And why does she want one?

LIV  
It's an expression. Maya torturing you is  
just her way of showing you her affection.

CHAO-AHN  
You Americans have a strange way of showing  
affection.

LIV  
Not all. Just Maya.

CHAO-AHN  
And what's with Xander and his cartoons?  
After showing me how the cell phone works,  
he made me watch a cartoon featuring a  
talking rodent and moose.

LIV  
Yeah, I'll amend the strange affection list  
to add Mr. Harris.  
(beat)  
How... How's he doing these days?

CHAO-AHN  
Pretty good. He was kind of sad when he had  
to sell his... what do you call it?  
"Beemer?"

LIV  
He had to sell his car?

CHAO-AHN  
Something about being legally blond and  
driving lice ends.

LIV  
What?

CHAO-AHN  
I'm not sure. His Chinese phrase book  
stinks.

LIV  
Oh...

CHAO-AHN  
And then when he resigned...

LIV  
He quit his job?

CHAO-AHN  
He said something about not being able to  
read blue paints if he was supposed to be  
blond. He also didn't feel right because he  
killed his demon bass. Is that also an  
expression?

LIV  
No it's...

A Vampire bursts through the ground.

CHAO-AHN  
Bloodsucker.

LIV  
I got it.

Liv expertly spins a stake out and throws it into the Vampire's  
chest, dusting him. They continue to talk without missing a  
beat.

LIV  
So he's unemployed?

CHAO-AHN  
Well he is getting something called  
disability chips which is supplanted by his  
watcher celery.

LIV  
Salary.

CHAO-AHN  
Oh. That makes more sense.

LIV  
Sounds like he had a tough summer.

CHAO-AHN  
He seems okay to me. Then again... I don't  
really know him that well.

Liv frowns at the news as we

CUT TO:

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Liv walks into the living room to see Lucy asleep in front of  
the TV. Liv gently shakes her awake.

LIV  
Hey. You didn't have to wait up for me.

Lucy drowsily smiles at her daughter and pulls her onto the  
couch.

LUCY  
Huh? Oh. I know. Just wanted to see just a  
bit more of my girl. Not as much as I see in  
your leather pants of course.

LIV  
Let it go Mom.

Lucy yawns.

LUCY  
Mother's prerogative. I let go what I want  
to let go.

LIV  
You didn't tell me about what happened to  
Mr. Harris this summer.

Lucy groans and rolls her eyes.

LUCY  
Oh god. Who told you?

LIV  
Well...

LUCY  
Honey, when his Uncle Roary showed up...

LIV  
Uncle Roary?

LUCY  
He supposedly showed up to help Xander  
because of him being blind. Of course Xander  
didn't need help which for some reason  
pissed off Uncle Roary. So, Uncle Roary then  
started moving the furniture to show Xander  
he needed him around. Then Xander had to  
pretend he didn't know the furniture wasn't  
moved around and had to trip over  
everything. It was like watching Dick Van  
Dyke trip over that ottoman over and over  
again.

LIV  
I was actually talking about Mr. Harris  
selling his car and losing his job.

LUCY  
Oh. Oh! Oh sweetie, he just didn't want you  
to worry.

Liv sits down on the sofa and lays her head on her mother's  
shoulder.

LIV  
I mean this had to be a huge adjustment for  
him.

LUCY  
Well, I won't lie to you. He's had a tough  
time of it. He puts on his brave face and  
perseveres, but some times the little things  
send him over the edge.

LIV  
Little things?

LUCY  
Like trying to get his socks to match or  
getting the hang of braille.

LIV  
Braille? But I thought he could...

LUCY  
He sees auras, sweetie. He can't see  
anything else. I thought you knew that.

LIV  
Oh. I just thought when he saw me at the  
airport... you know.

LUCY  
He saw the change in you.

LIV  
Change in me? I haven't changed.

Lucy cocks an eyebrow and plays with some of Liv's crazy  
highlights.

LUCY  
Oh really?

LIV  
That's external not internal.

Lucy yawns and closes her eyes. She leans back on the couch.

LUCY  
You'd be surprised how one affects the  
other.

LIV  
I feel so bad for Mr. Harris.

LUCY  
Buck up little camper. He's doing great for  
someone in his condition.

Liv says nothing but stews as her mother goes back to sleep.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S - HALLWAY

Liv angrily slams her locker door shut. Liv is dressed in a  
somewhat punked out version of her school uniform. Maya and  
Jordy exchange a look as Liv angrily crams more books into her  
pack.

MAYA  
What's wrong with you this morning?

The odd squad starts heading toward class.

LIV  
Oh, Mom and I got into it about my skirt.

MAYA  
What's wrong with your skirt?

LIV  
Not this one. The one I shortened and was  
forbidden to wear.

MAYA  
Damn. You are turning into one fashion  
maven.

LIV  
Yeah right. Why didn't you tell me about all  
the problems Mr. Harris had this summer?

Jordy and Maya shrug.

JORDY  
Well, you were busy with your training.

MAYA  
And we had to play Junior watcher to Chao-  
Ahn.

LIV  
Junior watcher?

JORDY  
Yeah, you know. Research. Patrols. More  
research.

MAYA  
I did most of the research. Jordy just  
handled the computer stuff.

LIV  
What computer stuff?

JORDY  
Oh, typing up Xander's log entries.  
Responding to e-mail from Tweed man. That  
kind of thing.

MAYA  
Kind of a drag really. But then most ancient  
texts on demonology aren't written in  
braille.

LIV  
Oh.

MAYA  
What's wrong? Usually on the first day of  
school you're all a twitter with excitement.

LIV  
Jet lag.

MAYA  
Yeah right.

Maya and Jordy start to enter a pair of doors. Liv looks at the  
doors and stops short.

MAYA  
Liv? Come on, we're going to be late.

LIV  
You know what? I think I'm going to skip  
this one.

Maya and Jordy's eyes practically bug out. Liv barely notices  
and walks away.

LIV  
I'll catch up with you guys later.

JORDY  
Damn. Liv skipping class? Is that a sign of  
an apocalypse?

MAYA  
No. I think it's something else.

Maya points to the sign above the door.

INSERT: SIGN WHICH READS "ST. BUFALARI GYMNASIUM"

EXT. ST. BUFALARI - PARKING LOT

Liv exits the building and the door shuts behind her. She  
thinks for second and turns around to open the door. It won't  
open.

VOICE (OS)  
One way trip.

Liv turns and sees Haley, the head cheerleader. She's smoking a  
cigarette. She gives Liv a smile.

HALEY  
You'll have to walk around to the side to  
get back in. Make sure you duck at the  
second window. That's Sister Margret's.

LIV  
Thanks.

HALEY  
It's Liv... right?

LIV  
Yeah.

HALEY  
I... uh... never thanked you for the time at  
Brad's house.

Liv gets a little nervous.

LIV  
Um... for what?

Haley smiles and rolls her eyes.

HALEY  
Hello?! You don't think I remember? I know  
your Mom said Ms. Valentine had a medical  
condition but... The red eyes and the teeth?  
Come on! I know I made a pretty good  
impression in the wall, but that's something  
you don't forget. I mean... you did save my  
life right?

LIV  
Well... Kinda.

HALEY  
Thanks. I mean it.

LIV  
Your welcome, I guess.  
Haley does an appraising look at Liv's hair and outfit.

HALEY  
I like the new look. Kinda badass.

LIV  
Thanks!

HALEY  
Listen... some of the girls and I are  
heading down to the new club tonight. Want  
to come?

LIV  
Won't your friends have an issue with me?  
Haley smiles, drops the cigarette and smashes it out

HALEY  
Didn't say they were my friends. Friends  
save each other's lives. Girls are just  
people you hang out with.

Liv smiles back.

LIV  
Okay.

HALEY  
We're meeting at Westside mall at nine in  
front of the Orange Julius. See ya then?

Haley sprays some breath freshener in her mouth.

LIV  
Sure.

Haley heads off.

HALEY  
Remember. Duck at the second window.

LIV  
I will. Bye.

HALEY  
Later.

Haley waves and smiles brightly at Liv, who does the same in  
return. As she turns her back to Liv, Haley's grin becomes...  
somewhat sly.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander and Pongo sit on the couch. Pongo is channel surfing  
while Xander is on the telephone, listening to Lucy

LUCY(VO)  
(filtered)  
I don't know what's come over her. What she  
tried to pass off as a skirt this morning  
was more like a wide plaid belt.

XANDER  
Maybe it's just a phase.

PONGO  
Definitely not.

Xander gives Pongo an annoyed look.

LUCY(VO)  
(filtered)  
Sparky, for the first time in my life I had  
to argue with my genius daughter about  
something as silly as clothes. I need  
something more substantive than it being  
just a phase.

XANDER  
Didn't you ever wear anything provocative  
when you were her age?

PONGO  
Yes. Definitely.

Xander cuffs Pongo on the head.

INT. CAPE KENNETH HOSPITAL

Liv rolls her eyes at the last comment.

LUCY  
Yes... and a year later I was pregnant with  
Liv. Are you on my side on this or not?  
Please help me. She listens to you Sparky.  
Suddenly I've become my mother and I'm  
running out of cliches.

XANDER(VO)  
(filtered)  
Well I can give her the speech about  
destiny, vampires and her responsibility to  
destroy all evil and replace the word 'evil'  
with 'mini-skirts'.

Lucy smiles in spite of herself.

LUCY  
Xander...

XANDER(VO)  
You worry too much. I'll talk to her. It'll  
be fine.

LUCY  
I hope so.

XANDER(VO)  
(filtered)  
Liv's a great kid. She's never done anything  
bad in her entire life. Trust me, she's not  
going to start doing anything stupid now.

EXT. ST. BUFALARI'S CAMPUS

Liv is eating lunch with a befuddled Jordy and Maya.

MAYA  
Okay, first you skip class and tonight  
you're blowing off patrol to go dancing?

LIV  
I'm not blowing off patrol. I'm just letting  
Chao-Ahn take care of it while I do  
something more fun.

JORDY  
Yeah, that's kind of the definition of  
blowing something off.

MAYA  
She's new at this. Give her time.

LIV  
C'mon. You guys should come with.

MAYA  
Please. I deal with Haley way too much as it  
is. If this school had a gymnastics team, I  
wouldn't even be on the squad.

JORDY  
Yeah and I don't dance. Or club.  
(to Maya)  
I wonder why Haley never thanked you for  
saving her life?

MAYA  
Oh my battle with the A-squad takes  
precedent over anything life-saving.

LIV  
So you guys aren't going?

MAYA  
Doesn't mean you can't. Just promise me you  
won't let them suck out your brain. Have you  
told your Mom?

LIV  
After the argument we had this morning I  
doubt she'd let me go. Will you guys and  
Chao-Ahn cover for me?

JORDY  
Whoooa! Looks like we're skipping the "lying  
by omission" phase and heading straight into  
the "big lie to the parental unit"  
territory.

MAYA  
You sure you don't want to start small and  
spill grape juice on the carpet and blame it  
on the cat?

LIV  
I don't own a cat.

MAYA  
Duh. I'm talking about the dangerous  
lifestyle you are about to embark on. Liv.  
Lying to your mom? You've never lied to your  
mom. Seriously Worm, this is not like you.

LIV  
Maybe this is the new me. The badass me.

MAYA  
I just hope you know what you're doing.

LIV  
Oh, come on. What could go wrong?

Maya and Jordy look at her like she just grew a second head.

LIV  
Don't give me that 'I-just-jinxed-thesituation'  
look. It's a club. Dancing. What  
could happen?

INT. FACTORY

HALEY  
She took the bait. I'm meeting her at the  
mall and the luring her here per the plan.  
So once you have her, then you give me what  
I want right?

VOICE(OS)  
Little dolly will bring the lamb to be  
shorn.

From out of the shadows (because that's where all the bad guys  
come from) steps Drusilla.

DRUSILLA  
Then the blind man will be forced to give me  
his sight.

Haley looks at Drusilla like she's off her rocker.

HALEY  
Uh... yeah. Right. Whatever you say.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. WESTSIDE MALL - OUTSIDE OF THE ORANGE JULIUS

Liv is waiting for Haley in her leather pants and t-shirt.

HALEY  
Hey!

Haley walks up to Liv, also dressed to party.

HALEY  
You ready?

LIV  
Where's your friends?

HALEY  
We went shopping earlier and they went  
ahead. Let's go.

Haley starts walking off.

LIV  
Isn't the club down by Nottingham?

HALEY  
Change of plans. There's a rave out at the  
old factory. C'mon... It'll be fun.

Haley smiles and grabs Liv's arm and drags her along.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

Maya is sitting at the kitchen island. looking through the  
books. Jordy is working on the watcher terminal as Chao-Ahn  
walks in splattered with blue goo.

MAYA  
Hey Chao-Ahn. How was patrol?

CHAO-AHN  
Ran into Ypoog. Need change of clothes. I  
hate American demons.

JORDY  
What are Chinese demons like?

CHAO-AHN  
More teeth. Less goop.

Xander walks down the steps talking into his phone.

XANDER  
(on phone)  
Hang on. She just showed up. Chao-Ahn? Do  
you know where Liv is?

Chao-ahn shares a look with Maya and Jordy.

CHAO-AHN  
She go home.

MAYA  
She's probably just taking her time going  
home.

XANDER  
Uh-huh. Yeah.  
(On phone)  
Let me get back to you. These guys are lying  
through their teeth.

Xander hangs up and tosses the phone onto the kitchen island.  
Chao-Ahn, Maya and Jordy exchange worried glances.

XANDER  
All right. So what's the scam?

MAYA  
Who says we're scamming?

CHAO-AHN  
What's a scam?

XANDER  
Guys, I know you're covering for Liv. Where  
is she?

JORDY  
I don't know.

XANDER  
Yes you do. Where is she?

The three of them just look at each other. Chao-Ahn cracks  
under the pressure.

CHAO-AHN  
(blurting it out)  
She dancing at club! With friend!

MAYA  
Squealer.

Chao-Ahn hangs her head, ashamed.

CHAO-AHN  
No good with confrontation.

XANDER  
Guys, look I understand the secret agent  
routine, but what would happen if she got  
into...

Xander stops... tilts his head... and then sighs.

XANDER  
...trouble.

Xander strikes a "Giles pose" and massages the bridge of his  
nose.

XANDER  
Aw, Crap.

INT. FACTORY

The factory is abandoned, creepy and filled with old metal  
barrels. Liv is definitely having second thoughts.

LIV  
Are you sure this is the place? It's kind of  
creepy.

HALEY  
Yeah, it's in the basement. All the raves  
are in creepy places like this.

LIV  
I didn't even know they had raves in New  
Hampshire.

HALEY  
Oh, relax. It'll be fun.

LIV  
(muttering)  
Should have brought a stake.

HALEY  
What?

LIV  
Uh.. It'll be great!

Liv marches forward. Haley drops her smile and picks up a lead  
pipe off the floor.

LIV  
Where's the entrance to the basement?

HALEY  
Don't worry...

Haley smacks Liv across the head with the pipe. Liv falls to  
the floor unconscious

HALEY  
I know the way.

INT. FACTORY BASEMENT

Like most of the factory, it's dark, creepy, and filled with  
metal barrels. Liv comes to chained to the wall. Dru is looking  
at her curiously.

LIV  
Aw, crap.

DRUSILLA  
Such a small little girl. Who would have  
thought there's so much inside her?

LIV  
Vampire with crazy talk. You must be Drusilla.

DRUSILLA  
The little baby knows my name. But the King  
of cups did not introduce us.

HALEY(OS)  
Whatever. Can we get this over with now?

Liv looks over to see Haley sitting on a barrel, bored out her  
mind.

LIV  
Haley! What are you doing?

HALEY  
Capturing you so I can have immortality?  
Hello! I think that's obvious.

DRUSILLA  
Dolly girl brought you to me so I can speak  
with the stars again.

LIV  
Haley... she's insane. She's not going to...

Drusilla smacks Liv across the face. Hard. Haley giggles.

DRUSILLA  
Little lamb should know its place before it  
deigns to 'Baa Baa Baa'.

Haley rolls her eyes.

HALEY  
Okay... She's here, she's captured, when you  
going to turn me?

Drusilla gives her an evil grin and gently caresses Haley's  
face. Haley smiles back.

DRUSILLA  
Such a pretty girl. So unlike Miss Edith.

Drusilla grabs Haley's head and spins it around, snapping  
her neck like a twig. Haley flops to floor, dead. Drusilla pouts.

DRUSILLA  
I can spin Miss Edith's head all the way  
around without it falling off.

Liv looks away like she's going to be sick.

DRUSILLA  
Now how shall I pass the time...?

XANDER(OS)  
How about a fabulous game of 'let the slayer  
go before I get staked in the chest'?

Drusilla hisses and turns to see Xander standing alone. She  
glares at Xander.

DRUSILLA  
The shepherd came early.

XANDER  
Yeah. Funny thing about being a seer? You  
get these crazy vision things. Tell you when  
the people you care about are in danger.  
Know anything about that?

Drusilla smiles and gently caresses Liv's hair.

DRUSILLA  
Little lamb is caught in the mulberry patch.  
No one can lead her out, but maybe if you  
gave me a little gift?

XANDER  
This little "Gollum" obsession thing you  
have going is not attractive Dru. I'd let go  
of it now before you start living in a cave  
and eating raw fish.

DRUSILLA  
Does the shepherd not care for the little  
lamb?

XANDER  
Torturing and maiming me is one thing Dru.  
Attacking the people I love? Well...

Xander yanks out a handheld crossbow and shoots. Drusilla  
release her hold Liv and catches the quarrel in mid-air. She  
laughs maniacally.

XANDER  
Now!

Chao-Ahn jumps out from behind some barrels and throws a series  
of punches, catching Dru off guard. Jordy, partially  
transformed, rushes forward and helps Liv pull free from the  
chains.

Dru gets the upper hand with Chao-Ahn and starts pummeling her  
pretty good. Maya steps out from behind another set of barrels  
and blasts Dru with her super-soaker.

DRUSILLA  
Aiigh!! Nasty girl!

Drusilla backhands Maya and sends her crashing into a wall,  
knocking her unconscious. Liv dashes in; throws two punches and  
a round house kick sending Drusilla into the wall. Chao-Ahn and  
Liv grab both of Dru's arms and tie her up in the same chains  
that Liv was in.

DRUSILLA  
If the shepherd will not give, then no one  
gets to dream!

Drusilla pulls out a lighter and ignites it.

XANDER  
Everyone! Out! Out now!

Jordy grabs and throws Maya over his shoulder. They all run for  
the stairs as Drusilla throws her lighter into a barrel which  
ignites like a bomb blast. The fire surrounds her as she laughs  
hysterically.

INT. THE FACTORY

The Slayers, Jordy carrying Maya and Xander dash for the exit  
as the Factory goes up in flames. As they all dive out the  
exit...

EXT. THE FACTORY  
The odd squad roll and are the blown across the parking lot as  
the factory explodes. Each one slowly pulls themselves off the  
ground. Xander looks at the burning building and shakes his  
head.

LIV  
Did she...?

XANDER  
I don't know. Probably not. You okay?

Liv nods.

XANDER  
Good. 'Cuz this is the part where you get  
the lecture.

LIV  
Aw, man.

XANDER  
Trust me. This going to bore me more than it  
is going to bore you.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Maya, Jordy and Liv sit on the couch looking up guiltily at  
Xander.

XANDER  
So what have we learned tonight?

MAYA  
Xander knows all.

XANDER  
And...?

JORDY  
Don't try to pull the wool over the eyes of  
a blind man.

XANDER  
So from now on....

LIV  
Honesty is the best policy.

XANDER  
Good. Why don't you guys go upstairs and  
help Chao-Ahn pack for tomorrow's flight  
home.

The three start to go upstairs.

XANDER  
Liv? Got a sec?

Liv heads back downstairs, but has a hard time looking Xander  
in the face.

XANDER  
I think we need to talk.

LIV  
Look if it's about...

XANDER  
Tonight? No. Your mom is going to nail you  
to the wall on that one. Though you did  
endanger your life and everyone else's  
because you wanted to have fun. I understand  
that. You need to have fun. And if you want  
a night off to have fun that's not a  
problem. What I want to talk to you about is  
different. It also may be why you needed to  
have tonight. It's about you and me.

Liv looks away from Xander, guiltily.

XANDER  
I was going to see if you could resolve this  
without a conversation but... what's wrong?

LIV  
Nothing.

XANDER  
Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure. Your guilt-o-meter just  
red-lined by the way.

Liv just hangs her head. Xander kneels down and put his hands  
on her shoulders.

XANDER  
Liv... What happened to me.... what's going  
on in my life right now? Not your fault. I  
had a pretty good idea what would happened  
when I ran back into that cavern. And I  
don't regret it. It saved the two people I  
care most about in this world. I think you  
have a pretty good idea who they are.

Liv starts tearing up.

LIV  
It's just... I should have... You...

Xander smiles and brushes an errant piece of hair from Liv's  
face.

XANDER  
There's a sentence in there somewhere, I  
know there is.

Liv laughs a little as the tears run down her face.

LIV  
I wasn't there for you.

XANDER  
Kiddo, you beat the big bad and you made the  
Buffster take a good long hard look at  
herself. Even on a good day that's hard to  
manage. You didn't just save the day... you  
pulled off the impossible.

Liv sniffs and wipes her eyes.

LIV  
I had help.

XANDER  
You'll always have help. As much as I hate  
to see Jordy and Maya in the line of fire, I  
know they'll be the ones you rely on to get  
you through and bring you back. I know. I  
used to be one of them.

LIV  
But your car... your job... the hellmouth

XANDER  
Liv, there's always going to be casualties.  
There's always going to be a hellmouth... or  
something worse. Me? I'm fine. You did good.  
I'm proud of you.

Liv smiles and tackles Xander in one of her bear hugs.

LIV  
Thanks, Mr. Harris.

Xander smiles and returns the hug.

XANDER  
Oh... So I'm Mr. Harris again?

LIV  
I'm sorry I...

Xander wipes away some of the remaining tears.

XANDER  
Shhh.... It's okay. There is one thing you  
can do for me, though.

LIV  
What's that?

XANDER  
For the love of God, please stop with the  
short skirts. Your Mom is killing me here.

Liv laughs.

XANDER  
And the leather pants...

LIV  
I'll stop with the skirts if I can keep the  
leather pants.

XANDER  
Deal. Now you better go change before your  
Mom grounds you for two lifetimes.

Liv heads upstairs.

LIV  
Man. Are you ever made to pay for a little  
fun.

Xander waits till she is out of earshot and sighs.

XANDER  
Haven't you heard? There's always a cost.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Lucy walks in through the front door.

LUCY  
Okay kids... Let's get Chao-

Lucy stops and looks around at the room. The lights are low.  
Soft music is playing. A bottle of wine is open and Xander is  
standing there grinning like a Cheshire cat.

LUCY  
And what do we have here?

XANDER  
Little something I put together.

LUCY  
Where are the kids?

XANDER  
Dropping off Chao-Ahn at the airport.

LUCY  
Really?

XANDER  
Liv thought we could use an evening out.

Liv steps up to Xander who offers his hand. They move into a  
dancing position.

LUCY  
She's still grounded.

XANDER  
No time off for sucking up?

LUCY  
I'll take it under advisement. You sure it's  
a good idea to have the kids drop off Chao-  
Ahn?

XANDER  
What could happen?

INT. CAPE KENNETH AIRPORT

Chao-Ahn is giving Maya a venomous look as Maya tries to push a  
dish of ice cream at her.

MAYA  
Sure you don't want some Chao-Ahn?

CHAO-AHN  
Lactose intolerant!

MAYA  
It's not ice cream. Raspberry sorbet. It's  
just frozen fruit. No dairy.

Chao-Ahn gives Maya an evil glare.

CHAO-AHN  
Sorbet? No milk? All this time?  
(turns and leaves. mutters)  
Mei guoren shi jian dan di zui.

MAYA  
What did she say?

LIV  
That she enjoyed her time with you and  
thinks you're a lovely person.

MAYA  
I'll bet.

Jordy smiles and put his arm around Maya

JORDY  
You know, sometimes... you can be pretty  
evil.

Maya snuggles up to him as they turn to walk out of the  
airport.

MAYA  
You love that about me. Don't you?

JORDY  
Actually... I do.

Liv rolls her eyes.

LIV  
You guys got any insulin? I'm think I'm  
going into diabetic coma over here.

MAYA  
Shut up, Worm.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Soft music plays as Lucy and Xander dance cheek to cheek. Lucy  
looks up at Xander and for a brief second... she frowns. Xander  
does that tilting head thing.

XANDER  
What's wrong?

LUCY  
Nothing.

XANDER  
Luce...

LUCY  
I can't hide anything from you now, can I?

Xander gives her a big grin.

XANDER  
Nope. Spill it lady.

LUCY  
I... I know this is silly but.. I miss  
looking into your eyes.

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
Do you?

LUCY  
They were very nice eyes. Or eye... rather.

XANDER  
Hmmm. Hold on a second...

Xander takes a step back. Rolls his head to stretch his neck  
and then puts on look of concentration. Lucy looks at him with  
a smirk.

LUCY  
You trying to see my underwear again?

Xander laughs.

XANDER  
No.... hold on... Okay. Take my hand.

Lucy takes his hand and...

EXT. AN AFRICAN SAVANNAH - DUSK

Xander and Lucy stand in the middle of a grassy plain holding  
hands. Small shrubs and trees are scattered throughout the  
field. Xander turns and looks at Lucy with... both eyes. Lucy  
is too busy looking at the environment to notice.

LUCY  
What the...? Where are...?

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
African savannah. Somewhere in Nigeria.

Lucy looks around.

LUCY  
Wow! It's beautiful. How did...

She looks at Xander and sees his eyes.

LUCY  
Oh.

Lucy begins to tear up as she traces the outline of Xander's  
face with her free hand.

LUCY  
Thank you.

XANDER  
Anytime you want to see my peepers, you just  
let me know.

LUCY  
Your what?

XANDER  
Peepers.

Lucy giggles.

XANDER  
Just keep in mind, I see you better now than  
I did with just one eye.... and you're more  
beautiful than ever.

LUCY  
Think I'm a sucker for flattery, don't ya?

XANDER  
Me? Nah.  
(beat)  
Did it work?

Lucy smiles.

LUCY  
Maybe.

She leans into Xander and they kiss. As she snuggles in for a  
tight embrace, Xander looks off into the distance... and is  
disturbed by what he sees.

ANGLE ON: THE SAVANNAH HORIZON

A solitary figure stands in the horizon watching the couple.

XANDER  
Luce...

LUCY  
Hmmm?

XANDER  
Let go of my hand.

Lucy looks up at Xander.

LUCY  
What's wrong?

XANDER  
I'm not sure, but I don't think you should  
see this.

Lucy frowns, but nods her head. She lets go of his hand and  
disappears. Xander turns back to the horizon but the figure is  
gone.

FEMALE VOICE(OS)  
Watcher...

Xander turns and sees a young African girl standing in front of  
him.

XANDER  
Lateesha.

LATEESHA  
I am not her.

XANDER  
But you use her form.

LATEESHA  
I am to warn you of his coming.

XANDER  
Who?

LATEESHA  
One you have faced before.

XANDER  
Well aren't we chock full of cryptic.

LATEESHA  
To use his name is to invite him.

XANDER  
Don't want that now, do we?

The sky slowly grows dark.

LATEESHA  
He comes for you. The dead who walk follow  
him still.

XANDER  
Vampires?

LATEESHA  
No.

The sky has gone completely black. Shadowy figures surround  
Xander and Lateesha. Xander looks around warily.

XANDER  
They come for me?

Xander looks back at Lateesha and her image has changed. Her  
eyes have turned pure white. A scar encircles her neck and a  
wooden stake is lodged in her chest.

LATEESHA  
And your slayer.

The shadowy figures jump out and grab Xander. As soon as they  
touch him we...

CUT TO:

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander comes out of the vision, his shirt is soaked in sweat.  
He is breathing hard, like he just ran a three minute mile.  
Lucy looks at him with concern.

LUCY  
What's wrong?

Xander shakily sits down on the couch.

FADE TO BLACK

XANDER(VO)  
Oh crap.

END ACT IV


	2. Dead Girl Talking

TEASER

EXT. LOS ANGELES - CORNER OF FOURTH AND SPRING -  
EARLY MORNING

The street is empty and the night is completely  
black as a woman paces up and down a particular  
portion of the street. She is nervous... and  
waiting.

Behind her she hears the sound of stone grinding against  
stone. She turns to see three stone thrones rise  
from the ground into the air. The thrones are each  
occupied by a dark robed figure. Their faces are  
masked except for the eyes which look weathered and  
somewhat Albino like. One of the figures stands.

JUDGE  
What matter do you bring before The  
Tribunal?

WOMAN  
Um... I was here once before. For my  
unborn daughter. I come again to seek  
asylum for her.

JUDGE  
Asylum is not for us to give.

WOMAN  
Then I come to appeal your decision. For  
more time. She's still just a child.

JUDGE  
The appeal is denied. Our judgment was  
for the protection of you and your child  
until she became of age.

WOMAN  
She's not even sixteen yet!

JUDGE  
Our judgment stands. When the girl turns  
sixteen of your earth years, our  
protection is no longer.

WOMAN  
Please, I beg you! I have no one to  
protect her.

The robed figures exchange glances.

JUDGE  
While we cannot provide judgment, we can  
provide council. Seek your champion.

WOMAN  
Champion?

JUDGE  
The one who won your protection.

WOMAN  
(disappointed)  
Great.

The woman turns and walks away while digging  
through her purse. She pulls out an old and  
tattered business card.

INSERT: BUSINESS CARD

The card reads: Angel Investigations and has the  
familiar swoopy Angel logo on it.

WOMAN  
Let's hope you're still around...

MAYA  
Man, this is just scary.

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S - HALLWAY

Liv is rummaging through her locker as Maya and  
Jordy lean against the wall waiting for her.

LIV  
Hydra thing?

MAYA  
Oh yeah. I mean that head just keeps  
growing back nastier and nastier.

ANGLE ON:

Audrey, the new head cheerleader is directing the  
squad on how to decorate the latest entry on the  
"Memorial Wall"

AUDREY  
Girls! Where's the glitter?! Haley was  
all about the glitter! If you think I'm  
going to let Haley's picture grace this  
wall without glitter, you've got another  
thing coming! Do I have to do

ANGLE ON:

The odd squad continue to watch as Liv shoves  
books into her pack.

JORDY  
Look at it this way, the position of  
head cheerleader usually has the life  
expectancy of a red shirt on Star Trek.

Liv closes her locker door and shakes her head.

LIV  
It's not funny Jordy.

MAYA  
What's wrong with you?

LIV  
Take a good look at that wall, Maya. I  
should have been able to save everyone  
up there.

JORDY  
I think you're being a little hard on  
yourself there Liv.

MAYA  
And come on... Haley had it coming. I  
mean... Hello? She did try to get

LIV  
She wasn't a demon, Maya.

MAYA  
Yeah, but she was evil. She may not have  
had fangs and an aversion to sunlight,  
but she was still evil

Liv stops and looks at the three pictures on the  
memorial wall. Brad. Vanessa. Haley.

LIV  
Doesn't matter.

JORDY  
You can't save everyone Liv.

LIV  
I know. But it still doesn't make me  
feel any better about it. The worse  
part? It's knowing that someone else's  
picture is going to end up there and I  
can't do a thing to stop it.

Liv turns and walks smack into Audrey who is  
carrying a load of art supplies. Glitter, paste  
and paint fly everywhere... but mostly on Audrey.  
Liv moves to help clean her up.

LIV  
Oh.. Audrey.. I'm sorry.

AUDREY  
(Nasty beyond belief)  
Nice. Real nice.

Liv tries to clean some glitter off Audrey. Audrey  
smacks Liv's hands away.

AUDREY  
If I want help from a freakshow like  
you, I'll need a lobotomy first.

Audrey stomps off as some of the cheerleaders  
giggle. Liv scowls.

JORDY  
Joke's on her. She already got one.

MAYA  
It's a requirement when you go on the  
"A" squad. You give up half your brain  
and the ability to relate to normal  
people

LIV  
Now her... I wouldn't feel too bad about  
leaving to die.

MAYA  
Better hope that never happens.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander is on the phone.

XANDER  
Buffy. No. I can't. Something wicked is  
this way coming and I can't have *him*  
mucking things up.   
(Beat)  
Can't you  
send anyone else? Kennedy? Faith?  
Andrew?   
(Beat)  
No, I was just kidding on that last one.  
Seriously, Buff... Is it really necessary  
that *he* be here?

Xander listens, shakes his head and sighs.

XANDER  
Fine. Whatever. Yeah... I'll be nice if  
he's nice. What's so important about  
this girl anyway? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You  
have no clue do you? Thought so. What's  
her name again? All right. Great. Yep.  
Talk to you later.

Xander hangs up the phone and groans.

XANDER  
Pongo! Set the Tivo to record Passions!   
(Sighs)  
Company's coming...

EXT. CAPE KENNETH ROAD - DAY

A Road sign displays the traditional greeting:  
"Welcome to Cape Kenneth: A Great Place to Live".

An old, sputtering Dodge Desoto FireFlite with  
heavily tinted windows pulls up in front of the  
welcome sign. As it stops, a  
snap-crackle-and-popping sound is heard. Smoke  
starts billowing out of the hood.

VOICE  
BLOODY HELL!

The car jostles around a bit... stops and then the  
driver side door is kicked open. SPIKE leaps out  
of the car, his coat held above his head for  
protection. Spike runs down the road, slightly  
smoking, looking for cover.

SPIKE  
Home sweet bloody sodding' home!

END TEASER

 

ACT I

 

INT. BAR

Spike runs into the bar, smoking just a bit. He  
sighs in relief; takes a look around at his  
surroundings and does a double take.

SPIKE  
Of all the gin joints, in all the  
world...

ANGLE ON:

The rest of the bar is filled with demons,  
drinking unusual cocktails.

SPIKE  
I always seem to find the demon bars.

Spike shrugs and heads for the bar.

SPIKE  
Barkeep! Set 'em up.

The bartender gives Spike the ol' hairy eyeball.

BARTENDER  
What do you want? Bloody Mary? We only  
serve pig's blood.

Spike shakes his head.

SPIKE  
Jack Daniels.

Spike slaps some money on the table.

SPIKE  
Leave the bottle.

BARTENDER  
Rough day?

SPIKE  
You have no idea.

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S CAMPUS

The odd squad is sitting around having lunch. Liv  
is still fuming about Audrey.

LIV  
She's... She's just so.... ARGH!

JORDY  
Yeah, that about sums it up.

MAYA  
Let it go Liv. Chances are she'll either  
be killed by vampires or turn into a  
demon-like creature and you'll have to  
slay her. Won't that be nice?

LIV  
Is it wrong that I find that to be a  
happy thought?

XANDER  
I assume we're not talking about  
raindrops on roses and whiskers on  
kittens?

Liv jumps at the sound of Xander's voice. She  
turns to see him standing behind her carrying his  
white and red cane.

LIV  
Gah!

XANDER  
Sorry? Did I scare you?

JORDY  
Anything sung by Julie Andrews has that  
affect on her.

LIV  
No. You were just Mr. Sneaky guy.

MAYA  
Aren't you supposed to tap that cane  
when you walk around?

Xander fiddles self-consciously with the cane.

XANDER  
Yeah... Keep forgetting to do that since  
I can see anything in my way. Street  
signs are another issue. Made a couple  
wrong turns and ended up at a slaughter  
house.

LIV  
Eww.

XANDER  
That's all right. Needed to find that  
place anyway.

LIV  
Why?

XANDER  
Got a visitor of the vampire persuasion  
coming to town. Needed to pick up some  
pig's blood.

Everyone makes a face.

JORDY  
Who's coming?

XANDER  
Spike.

MAYA  
I keep getting those two confused. Is he  
the blond one or the brooder?

XANDER  
Blond. He was supposed to be here a  
couple of hours ago, but he hasn't shown  
up yet.

LIV  
What's he doing here?

XANDER  
Playing bodyguard. Apparently a ways  
back Angel... the brooder... helped a  
woman whose unborn daughter was marked  
for death. He was able to get some demon court's  
protection for the girl until she came  
of age.

MAYA  
And let me guess... this girl, goes to  
school here and she no longer has  
protection?

XANDER  
Give the girl a kewpie doll.

MAYA  
Kind of a funky coincidence, don't you  
think?

XANDER  
It's life on the hellmouth. Get used to  
the funk.

JORDY  
What's the deal with the girl?

XANDER  
Don't know. Apparently she's supposed to  
do something to save the world and the  
demon population isn't too happy about  
it. So if Spike doesn't show up soon,  
I'm going to need you guys to trail her  
and keep her safe.

LIV  
Who is it?

XANDER  
A girl named Audrey Patrone.

Maya, Jordy and Liv give Xander a look of death.

XANDER  
What? What'd I say?

Maya pulls a "Giles" and starts massaging the  
bridge of her nose.

MAYA  
Should have seen that one coming.

LIV  
Somebody out there really hates me.

Jordy shrugs.

JORDY  
Life on the hellmouth.

Maya sighs.

MAYA  
Get used to the funk.

XANDER  
Something tells me that if I want this  
girl to live, I should start looking  
for...

INT. DEMON BAR

Spike still sits at the bar drinking. Two empty  
bottles of Jack Daniels sits in front of him. The  
bartender is holding a third.

BARTENDER  
Spike? You sure you want another bottle?

Spike drunkenly pulls the third bottle out of the  
bartender's hands and tries to open it.

SPIKE  
'S not that we didn't have a thing. We  
had a thing. 'Sit was a great thing.  
Well greatish. Good. Maybe okay.

Spike clumsily opens the bottle.

SPIKE  
Then that cookie dough boy nancy peach  
shows up and talks about eating her raw.

Spike tries to pour the booze into a glass but  
misses. The bartender guides the bottle to the  
glass and pulls out a towel.

SPIKE  
Then the whole thing went kablooie.

BARTENDER  
Went back to her old boyfriend huh?

SPIKE  
No she started using some new metafloor.  
That's not it. Metafloor? Metaforest?

BARTENDER  
Metaphor?

SPIKE  
That's it! Said something like we had  
something...

Spike's head starts wobbling around like he has no  
control over it...

SPIKE  
Something...

Spike's eyes roll back into his head as Spike  
passes out. Just before his head hits the bar with  
what should be a resounding "thwack" we...

CUT TO:

 

INT. FUNERAL HOME - LATER

It's Haley's funeral reception, and most of the  
high school is there. Audrey reigns court over all  
her cheerwenches.

AUDREY  
...special you know? But not like me. I  
mean Haley could tumble and be tossed with  
the best of them. But when it when it  
comes choreographing routines, I'm the  
poo.

All the cheerwenches nod and murmur agreement like  
the sheep they are.

Liv, Maya and Jordy stand watch over Audrey from a distance.  
While everyone else is dressed nicely Liv is  
dressed in her leather pants and t-shirt and Maya  
is dressed in work out clothes and Jordy looks  
like his usual rumpled mess.

LIV  
Audrey? Audrey Patrone is supposed to  
save the world? Is this some kind of  
sick joke?

JORDY  
Did Audrey just call herself "the poo"?

MAYA  
People keep staring at us.

LIV  
Well if we knew we would be coming here,  
I would have dressed appropriately.

JORDY  
I wouldn't have.

LIV  
Yeah. You're a rebel.

MAYA  
This sucks. When is Spike going to get  
here?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM Xander is on  
the phone.

LUCY  
(filtered)  
Hey Sweetie.

XANDER  
Hey yourself.

LUCY  
(filtered)  
That guy show up yet? I was hoping to  
see Liv before she went on patrol.

XANDER  
Not yet. He was supposed to be here  
before noon.

Spike kicks open the door and drunkenly staggers  
into the room. Xander sighs.

XANDER  
Oh wait. I think hear him at the door.  
Let me call you back.   
(hangs up)  
Hey Spike. Ever hear of knocking?

SPIKE  
Not taking any chance with that hairy  
dog boy of yours.

XANDER  
Are you drunk?

SPIKE  
No. Why you wearing sunglasses? Who do  
you think you are? Corey Hart?

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
I'm blind Spike.

SPIKE  
Oh that's right. Lost another one. Guess  
you're really not having any fun and  
games now.

XANDER  
Yeah. Thanks. Never heard that one  
before.

SPIKE  
But on the plus side, no more pirate  
jokes.

XANDER  
You sure you're not drunk?

SPIKE  
I'm not drunk!   
(blinks hard. spins his head.)  
Why's the spin rooming?

Spike head wobbles a couple of times; his eyes  
roll back into his head and he falls flat on his  
face. Xander just sighs.

XANDER  
I'll make some coffee.

INT. FUNERAL HOME

Liv's on her cell phone.

LIV  
Okay. Yeah. Got it.   
(hangs up)  
Spike's passed out drunk. So it's up to us now.  
If anyone has a gun, I'd appreciate it  
if they'd just shoot me now.

MAYA  
Well nothing bad has happened yet. Maybe  
nothing will happen.

Liv and Jordy just look at Maya.

MAYA  
I'm going to find some wood to knock on;  
then I'm going outside, turning around  
three times; curse and then I'll spit.

Maya leaves.

JORDY  
I'm with the blond.

Jordy follows her.

LIV  
Somebody just shoot me now.

ANGLE ON:

Audrey and her cheersheep.

AUDREY  
To say she's replaceable is an  
understatement. No, I mean an overstatement.  
What kind of statement am I talking  
about?

RASPY VOICE(OS)  
Audrey...

AUDREY  
One of you guys need a zinc cough drop?  
Because if you got a cold, I don't want  
any of it.

All the sheep look at Audrey with confusion.

RASPY VOICE(OS)  
Audrey...

AUDREY  
Seriously... Who's saying that?

All the girls shrug and mutter something to the  
affect of they hear nothing.

AUDREY  
Fine. Whatever. Why don't we all go pay  
our respects to Audrey's mom. Remember  
she's an alcoholic, so don't bring it  
up. It's not polite.

RASPY VOICE(OS)  
Audrey.... Over here...

Audrey sighs with exasperation and turns toward  
the sound of the voice.

AUDREY  
You know this isn't funny.

Audrey looks toward the source of the voice and  
only sees... a coffin.

AUDREY  
Oh this is totally not cool. This is  
like a funeral. Show some respect.

RASPY VOICE(OS)  
Audrey.... Please... It's important.

Audrey looks and sees that no one is near or  
around the coffin. She marches over angrily.

AUDREY  
Whoever this is, this is not...

Audrey lifts open the coffin and is horrified by  
what she sees.

AUDREY  
...funny.

Haley's twisted and charred corpse looks up at  
Audrey with her empty sockets.

HALEY  
(with the raspy voice)  
Whatever you do don't give Maya a spot  
on the squad. I hate that bitch.

Off Audrey's screams of bloody murder we....

GO TO BLACK

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Audrey lies on the couch trembling in a fetal  
position. Xander and the odd squad stand around  
and look at her. Spike is still passed out on the  
floor.

LIV  
By the time I got to her she was pretty  
rambly. She claimed that Haley was  
talking to her.

MAYA  
Well that's a new one.

XANDER  
Audrey? Is that what happened?

AUDREY  
Unh... unh...

JORDY  
Is that a yes or no?

AUDREY  
Unh-hunh.

LIV  
Are you sure it was Haley?

AUDREY  
I dunno.

XANDER  
What'd she say?

AUDREY  
Not to give her spot to Maya because she  
hated her and she thought she was a  
bitch.

Maya rolls her eyes.

MAYA  
Oh yeah. That was Haley all right.

JORDY  
Talking to dead people. That's a new  
one.

XANDER  
Not really. When I was in Africa I ran  
into a couple of Igqirha who could speak  
directly to their ancestral spirits.  
Most of them are born with that ability.

JORDY  
A what?

LIV  
An Igqirha. They're kind of a tribal  
priest and healer whose duties are to  
maintain the rites and customs of  
ancestral worship and also have the  
abilities to eradicate black magic.

Everyone gives Liv a strange look.

LIV  
What? I can't read a book?

Everyone continues to give Liv a strange look.

LIV  
Okay... So I read several books. What's  
the big deal?

JORDY  
You so need to get a boyfriend.

MAYA  
So is Audrey one of those "iggy" things?

AUDREY  
I don't want to be an iggy! I'm not even  
African!

LIV  
I don't think you have a choice, Audrey.

AUDREY  
Oh god. I'm a freak. Even worse... I'm a  
freak like... you people.

Liv clenches her fist and starts to move toward  
Audrey threateningly. Xander gently holds her  
back.

XANDER  
Now Cord-  
(Stops himself)  
Audrey, I know that this is upsetting...

AUDREY  
What do you know about my problems? Do  
you have any idea what happened to me  
today? My day started by getting the  
glue and glitter out of my hair because  
of Freakshow here and ended by me  
talking to the dead body of my best  
friend.

MAYA  
Oh please. You hated each other.

AUDREY  
What do you know of my life? All you do  
is sit on the sidelines and make snarky  
comments. You think just because you  
hang out with Freakshow and have a  
slacker boyfriend, that makes you better  
than me?

XANDER  
Audrey... No one thinks that.

MAYA  
Oh, I think that.

Xander shushes Maya with a "look". Kinda hard to  
do since he has no eyeballs, but you get the idea.

XANDER  
Audrey... Your Mom has asked us to look  
after you.

AUDREY  
My Mom? You think that's going to score  
points with me? Who the hell are you  
anyway?

SPIKE  
(still drunk)  
'S Cory Hart.

Xander shakes his head and sighs.

XANDER  
We have reason to believe that... uh...  
well... not a good way to put this...

JORDY  
Demonic forces have a contract out on  
your life.

XANDER  
That's one way. Look, we can protect  
you...

AUDREY  
Protect me from what? Demons? Evil?  
Yeah. I've heard those stories. Vampire  
champions. Tribunal of Ghouls protecting  
me from evil. You think I buy into that  
crap? My Mom's a nutjob and if you  
believe in that crap so are you.

Audrey gathers her things and heads for the door.

SPIKE  
(slurring)  
Better not go out there pet.

Audrey turns and looks at Spike who is still  
wobbly.

SPIKE  
Heard them talking about you. Big price  
on your head.

AUDREY  
Who's talking about me?

SPIKE  
Demons.

Audrey rolls her eyes.

AUDREY  
Uh-huh. And what do you know about  
demons?

SPIKE  
Plenty.  
(vamps out)  
I am one.

Audrey pales. Xander steps forward.

XANDER  
It's real Audrey. Let us help you.

Audrey looks at Spike again as he features  
returned to normal. She nods her head in  
agreement. Spike stands up.

SPIKE  
Come on luv. I'll take you home.

Spike gets all wobbly and sits down again. He turns a  
little green around the gills.

SPIKE  
Soon as the room stops spinning and I...

Spike runs out of the room.

AUDREY  
Who's he supposed to be?

XANDER  
That's Spike.

Spike's retching noises can be heard.

SPIKE(OS)  
Oh, bloody hell.

Xander gives Audrey a smirk.

XANDER  
He's your protector.

AUDREY  
Great.  
(sighs)  
I'm doomed.

XANDER  
Liv. Suit up. You guys get her home  
before you go out on patrol.

MAYA  
What about that glamour protection  
spell? It's a new moon so...

XANDER  
I've got a couple left in the spell bag.  
Take them with you.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH ROAD

Jordy, Maya and Liv walk together. Audrey walks  
behind them petuantly.

MAYA  
I guess this means Spike's staying with  
us for a while.

LIV  
Mr. Harris doesn't seem to happy about  
it.

JORDY  
Xander told me some things about that  
guy. Not so sure I like having around as  
well.

Maya and Liv exchange glances.

JORDY  
What?

MAYA  
It's just so rare that you voice  
discontent over something.

Behind them Audrey shivers and tries to cover her  
ears.

JORDY  
Well, I'm just a generally contented kind  
of guy.

Audrey stops and looks across the street. She  
takes her hands from her ears and hugs herself  
with her arms as though she's cold. Liv notices  
and turns back after her as she waves Maya and Jordy  
on.

LIV  
Audrey? Come on. It's not safe out.

AUDREY  
I... I can hear them talking.

Liv looks across the street.

ANGLE ON: CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Liv and Audrey look at the Cemetery.

LIV  
What are they saying?

AUDREY  
They're talking about... some... force.  
They feel it coming. It doesn't belong  
here. It shouldn't be here, but it's  
coming.

Audrey shivers and walks away. Liv catches up to  
her.

LIV  
Can you tell me anything else?

AUDREY  
What? You want me to go in there and ask  
them questions? Forget it Freakshow.  
This is your world, not mine.

Liv grabs her arm and stops her.

LIV  
Look, I know what it's like to have  
abilities no one else does. It's scary  
sometimes but it's our responsibility  
to...

Audrey shakes her arm free of Liv.

AUDREY  
Spare me the Tobey Maguire speech. I saw  
the movie and I'm not impressed. Just  
get me home and do that mojo crap.

Audrey walks ahead. Liv sighs and follows after  
her.

INT. AUDREY'S HOUSE

Audrey enters the house followed by the gang. All  
the lights are off.

LIV  
Are your parents home?

AUDREY  
I don't live with my parents. This is my  
uncle and aunt's. They're in Barbados  
until Sunday. That spell thing isn't  
going to stain is it?

Audrey flicks the light switch. Nothing happens.

AUDREY  
It's mohawk carpet and they'll...

Audrey flicks the light switch again. No lights  
come on. Audrey sighs in frustration.

AUDREY  
What's wrong with the lights?

The odd squad exchange knowing glances.

MAYA  
I think you have bigger problems than  
the carpet Audrey.

Jordy sniffs the air.

JORDY  
We're too late.

Liv pulls out her battle axe.

LIV  
Get her out!

Jordy grabs Audrey and shoves her out the door.

EXT. AUDREY'S HOUSE

Audrey stumbles out of the house from Jordy's  
push. Sounds of violence emanate from the house.  
(glass breaking, wood splintering, grunts, yelps)

AUDREY  
What the hell? Are you guys insane? My  
uncle and aunt are going to flip!

Suddenly a demon's head flies through the air and  
lands at her feet. Audrey looks down on it and  
screams. Liv, Jordy and Maya book out of the house  
and past Audrey.

AUDREY  
Where the hell do you think you're  
going?

Liv runs back, grabs Audrey and drags her along  
after her.

LIV  
Sorry Audrey... Gotta run!

Audrey looks back to see a stream of demons run  
out of her house.

AUDREY  
Holy Crap!

END ACT II

ACT III

EXT. CAPE KENNETH STREET

The Odd squad and Audrey are running top speed.  
The standard forces of hell (vampires, demons,  
etc.) are right behind them.

AUDREY  
What the hell is that?

LIV  
Jordy! Take point! Better get your game  
face on!

Jordy grins. He partially transforms on the run.

AUDREY  
Omigod! What is he?

Jordy's grin gets bigger, showing off his  
"werewolf" teeth. Audrey pales.

JORDY  
Where we headed?

LIV  
Cemetery.

AUDREY  
Are you nuts?!

Liv pulls out her pda/cell.

LIV  
Squirrel to Moose! Squirrel to Moose!  
The citizens of Pottsylvania ambushed  
us! Heading toward cemetery!

AUDREY  
This is insane!

MAYA  
Shut up Audrey!

EXT. ENTRANCE TO THE CEMETERY

Jordy runs through the entrance and comes skidding  
to a stop.

JORDY  
Ah.. Liv?

The girls catch up to Jordy and look up.

AUDREY  
Omigod! We're going to die!

ANGLE ON: ODD SQUAD'S POV

A line of demons on the horizon.

ANGLE ON: THE ODD SQUAD

LIV  
Mauseoleum.

Maya and Jordy take off. Liv grabs Audrey by the  
arm and drags her off.

AUDREY  
Who put you in charge?

LIV  
These guys are after you Audrey, not me.  
Unless you want to lead them in a cheer,  
I suggest you run.

ANGLE ON: MAUSEOLEUM

Jordy and Maya arrive first. Liv and Audrey are  
coming up from behind.

LIV  
Get it open! Get it open!

Jordy starts trying to bash the door open. It  
won't budge.

JORDY  
It's sealed!

Liv and Jordy start bashing against the stone door  
together. Nothing doing.

LIV  
Crap!

AUDREY  
uh... Guys?

Liv looks around. The odd squad is surrounded. The  
demons slowly move forward.

LIV  
Double crap!

AUDREY  
I told you this was a bad idea!

MAYA  
Shut up Audrey!

AUDREY  
We're all going to die!

JORDY  
Distinct possibility.

Liv readys her battle axe and pulls out a stake

LIV  
Maya. Audrey. Get behind me and Jordy.

AUDREY  
This is going to suck!

MAYA  
SHUT UP AUDREY!

AUDREY  
Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!

The demons rush in. Liv swings her battle axe and  
cuts throught the torso of the first demon, spins  
and kicks back the next demon and stabs a vampire  
in the chest dusting them.

 

Jordy snarls and dives into the fray. He is a blur  
as he grabs the first charging demon and throws it  
back against the others. He grabs the next  
oncoming demon by the head and swiftly breaks his  
neck.

Liv ducks and dodges a demon's kick; sweeps the  
leg, and heaves her axe into the demon's head. She  
pops up only to get a kick and two punches to the  
head from a vampire. She drops back, throws the  
stake into the vampire's chest, dusting him.

Three demons charge Jordy at the same time. They  
knock him over and start beating the crap out of  
him.

MAYA  
Jordy!

Maya rushes forward.

AUDREY  
What are you doing?!

Maya tries to attack one of the demons. The demon  
stands up, grins a horrible grin. Maya tries to  
punch the demon. The demon grabs her arm and  
breaks it with one simple snap. Maya screams.

Liv looks over and sees the demon about to do a  
killing blow on Maya. Liv throws her battle axe,  
embedding it in the demons chest. Maya looks up at  
Liv gratefully. Liv smiles and gets kicked by a  
demon she didn't see coming.

Liv flies and bounces off the mauseoleum wall,  
landing next to Audrey.

Jordy shakes off the two demons, grabs Maya and  
meets up with Liv and Audrey. Jordy is limping.

JORDY  
What now?

LIV  
I... I don't know.

The demons all laugh and start coming in close.

SPIKE  
Ahem. Excuse me...

All the demons turn and look at Spike, who is in  
he process of lighting up a cigarette. A battle  
axe leans up against his leg. As he speaks, he  
picks up his axe and then walks past and into the  
center of the demon horde.

SPIKE  
I know there's a heavy bounty on the  
bird's head... but just so you know? I'm  
the one who's protecting her now. So if  
you value your kibbles 'n bits, I'd  
start walkin'.

DEMON  
Who the hell are you?

Spike takes a drag of his cigarette and blows  
smoke in one of the demon's face. The demon  
coughs. Spike puts on his "game face" and raises the  
battle axe to his shoulder.

SPIKE  
The name is... Spike.

The horde of demons react in a mixture of awe and  
fear.

DEMONS  
Spike?... Did he say Spike?... *The*  
Spike?... As in 'William the Bloody'?

SPIKE  
So if any of you pooftas want a peice of  
her, you've got to get through me first.  
Anybody have a problem with that?

The demons all back off quietly and away from Spike  
and the odd squad.

DEMONS  
Uh... no. No problem. We were just  
leaving... (etc.)

The demons disperse. Liv and Jordy fall to the  
ground exhausted. One of the vampires approaches  
Spike in awe. Spike looks at him with an annoyed  
look.

SPIKE  
What?

VAMPIRE  
Uh... Can... Can I have your autograph?

Spike sighs.

SPIKE  
No.

Spike swiftly cuts the vampire's head off, turning  
him to onion soup mix. The remaining demons  
quickly disperse. Some haul ass even.

AUDREY  
That's it? I'm safe?

SPIKE  
Sorry ducks. Those were just easily  
swayed demons who subscribe to "Soldier  
of Fortune" magazines. When whatever it  
is comes after you... you'll know it.

AUDREY  
(confused)  
So... that means... what?

SPIKE  
I'm your bodyguard by night, half-pint  
will guard you by day. Better get used  
to the idea love.

Audrey face is a mixture of revulsion and anger.

AUDREY  
You? And Freakshow? Ugh! My life is  
totally over!

Audrey stomps off in a huff. Liv and Jordy are  
still huffing and puffing from the exertion of  
protecting Audrey.

LIV  
You're welcome!

JORDY  
How are you?

MAYA  
(Winces)  
I think I broke my arm.

SPIKE  
You two get her to a hospital. I'll take  
Miss Drama Queen home after I do  
something very important.

Jordy and Liv help Maya up.

LIV  
What's that?

A wave of nausea crosses Spike's face. He bends over out of sight and starts making retching noises.

LIV  
Oh...

More retching noises from Spike

LIV  
Oh! Oh that's just disgusting...

The odd squad turn away and start walking. Spike continues to do his... well we won't go there.

END ACT III  
ACT IV

 

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S - HALLWAY

Liv stands in the hallway looking at the "Memorial  
Wall".

AUDREY(OS)  
He says thank you by the way.

Liv turns to see Audrey standing behind her.  
Audrey obviously wants to be any where else but  
talking to her.

LIV  
Who?

Audrey nods to the wall.

AUDREY  
Him.

LIV  
But... he's...

Audrey rolls her eyes.

AUDREY  
Yeah.. something about his soul being  
stuck here; exorcism released him; been  
trying to find a way to tell you...  
blah.. blah.. blah..

Liv starts looking around the hallway.

LIV  
Tell me? So... he's...

AUDREY  
Still around? Nah. He just finished  
doing the Patrick Swayze thing in the  
corner.

LIV  
Oh.

Awkward silence ensues. Liv and Audrey give each  
other an almost civil look

LIV  
What about...?

Audrey scoffs and rolls her eyes.

AUDREY  
What? You think Vanessa and Haley want  
to talk to you now that they're dead? Pfft.  
Get real Freakshow.

Audrey turns and walks away from Liv. Liv gives  
Audrey an evil glare and clenches her fist so hard  
her knuckles pop.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander sits next to Pongo and peppers him with  
questions as Pongo flips through tv channels.

XANDER  
The First?

PONGO  
Signs point to no.

XANDER  
The Consul.

Spike comes down the stairs, hungover.

PONGO  
Signs point to no.

SPIKE  
Got any blood in this house?

XANDER  
Fridge. The Master?

PONGO  
Signs point to no.

Spike pours himself a mug of blood.

XANDER  
The Mayor?

PONGO  
Signs point to no.

SPIKE  
I feel like my brain just gave birth to  
cotton.

XANDER  
Well you certainly drank enough. Glory?

PONGO  
Signs point to no.

SPIKE  
Don't suppose you have any otter blood?  
Helps take the edge off.

XANDER  
And just where exactly am I supposed to  
pick up otter's blood?

SPIKE  
(Slowly, as if to a child)  
From an otter?

Xander "looks" at Spike; shakes his head and turns  
his attention back to Pongo.

XANDER  
Adam?

PONGO  
Signs point to no.

XANDER  
(frustrated)  
Snyder?

PONGO  
Signs point to no.

SPIKE  
What are you and puppet-man trying to  
do?

XANDER  
Trying to figure out who's gunning for  
us and if it involves Audrey.

SPIKE  
So a big bad's coming and you're the one  
who has to figure it out?

Xander tenses up.

XANDER  
Yes. That about sums it up.

Spike shrugs.

SPIKE  
Great.

Xander visibly relaxes as Spike walks toward the  
stairs.

SPIKE  
We're doomed.

Xander gives Spike an evil glare and clenches his  
fist so hard his knuckles pop.

Xander turns back to Pongo, who is blissfully changing channels.

XANDER  
The Vizier?

PONGO  
Signs point to...

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

PONGO(VO)  
No...

Lightning crashes and thunder rumbles. A gash in  
the wall of reality tears open and human form  
tumbles through. The form falls to the floor,  
coughing and gasping for air as the rip in reality  
closes in upon itself. His clothes are in tatters  
and his body is horribly scarred. The figure collapses  
to the floor and lets out a horrible cry.

As it rolls over, we see the horribly scarred face  
of the Vizier.

VIZIER  
Home...  
(coughs)  
Sweet...

GO TO BLACK

VIZIER(VO)  
Home.


	3. The Velma

TEASER

EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH

TITLE: Somewhere in Africa

It's night out as the camera pans around the  
savannah, showing all sorts of life (animals and  
what not). The camera settles on a small hut  
standing alone in the middle of no where.

OLD MAN  
(subtitled)  
Hurry! There isn't much time!

INT. HUT

The walls of the hut are covered in arcane  
drawings. An old African man is helping a young  
African man pack. They are frantic.

YOUNG MAN  
(subtitled)  
Honorable Igqhira... Are you positive  
that N-

The old man shoots the younger man a look of  
warning

OLD MAN  
Ixwhele! Do not speak its name!!

YOUNG MAN  
...that he who cannot be named will  
return?

The old man gives the young man an additional  
glare as he continues to throw strange artifacts  
into the younger man's satchel.

OLD MAN  
Do you doubt me as well, Ixwhele?

YOUNG MAN  
It's just that the legend of N-

OLD MAN  
Do not say its name!

The young man giggles.

OLD MAN  
Oh... So now I'm amusing as well as  
doubted.

YOUNG MAN  
I'm sorry Igqirha. It's just every time  
you say that I think of those books...  
you know the one with boy, the scar and  
the glasses.

The young man holds up his hands in the form of  
glasses and smiles. The old man shakes his head.

OLD MAN  
(subtitled)  
I know the elders of the tribe doubt my  
prophecies, but I have no time to deal  
with their slow witted thinking. They  
have become modern and now ignore the  
voices of their ancestors.

YOUNG MAN  
But master Igqhira... you are the  
guardian of the Olos Nah. Could you  
not...

OLD MAN  
No time! No time! You must warn him  
before it is too late.

YOUNG MAN  
But I could guard it for you! Take it  
far away.

OLD MAN  
The powers of the Olos Nah are too  
dangerous to be handled by a novice. Now  
stand here.

The old man guides him to a certain spot on the  
floor. The old man hands him a slip of paper.

OLD MAN  
This is his name and where you can find  
him.

The old man also hands him what appears to be a  
bucket.

OLD MAN  
You'll need this once you get there.

YOUNG MAN  
What is it?

OLD MAN  
Just a bucket.

The young man gives him a confused look.

OLD MAN  
For motion sickness. Trust me.

The old man begins to chant. In a fancy light show the  
young man disappears into thin air. The old man  
steadies himself and then begins to run around  
frantically in the hut...

OLD MAN  
If I only had enough time... I can  
perhaps prevent it happening before it  
is...

A bolt of energy hits the old man and he screams  
in pain as he is slowly incinerated into nothing.  
The Vizier enters with a smirk on his face.

VIZIER  
Too late.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

It's a quiet night in the cemetery, interrupted  
only by a giant flash of light and the Young Man  
from Africa appearing from out of no where.

The young man dizzily falls to his knees tries to  
get up only to fall to the ground. He leans on the  
bucket for a little bit, deciding whether or not  
to be sick. After a moment or two he is finally  
able to stand. He turns around to see a group of  
men behind him. All of them grin at the young man  
evilly.

MAN  
You okay? We saw something that looked  
like lightning over here.

YOUNG MAN  
I am fine. Please help. Looking for...

The young man pulls out the piece of paper given  
to him.

YOUNG MAN  
(butchering the name)  
Alanchandar Hair-rist.

The young man looks up and gasps as the group of  
men have vamped out.

YOUNG MAN  
(subtitled)  
You are not hu-

The vamps move in quickly and subdue the young  
man.

YOUNG MAN  
AAAHHHH!!!

Just as the vamps are about to bite into him we...

CUT TO:

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S GYM

It's cheerleader practice time. Audrey is leading the girls in a new routine.

CHEERLEADERS  
Ah-huh! This my (grunt) All the girls  
stomp your feet like this!

The girls continue doing a booty shakin' routine  
to Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl". Liv and Maya  
watch on in absolute horror as they butcher the  
song to pieces. Both are in their school uniforms,  
with Maya wearing her arm in a cast/sling.

MAYA  
Is that what I look like?

LIV  
No, you usually have a nauseated look on  
your face.

MAYA  
I'm not sure who I hate more. Audrey or  
Gwen Stefani.

LIV  
Do you think Audrey realizes that Gwen  
is making fun of cheerleaders?

MAYA  
She is?

LIV  
I think so.

MAYA  
Do you even know what a hollaback girl  
is?

LIV  
Um... no.

MAYA  
You are so uncool it is almost scary.

LIV  
I know. I'm a rebel.

MAYA  
Gimp.

LIV  
Airhead.

MAYA  
Worm.

SPIKE  
That's lovely. You two going to have a  
throw down or what?

Liv and Maya look over and see Spike smoking a  
cigarette and watching the cheerleading routine.

SPIKE  
I'm just saying it's a natural thought  
process... two girls arguing. Catholic  
school uniforms... Tossing each other  
around...

Spike give them a dirty-minded look and grin. Maya  
and Liv respond with a look of disgust.

SPIKE  
Just me then?

MAYA  
Just so you know Spike... When you die  
you're going to a very special kind of  
hell. The one with child molesters  
and...

SPIKE  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, been there. Nice  
during the winter months.

Maya shakes her head in disgust. Liv picks up her  
school bag.

LIV  
You're late.

SPIKE  
Sorry half-pint, I've just got this  
thing about going out into daylight and  
bursting into flames. Think I should see  
a doctor?

Liv tries to think of a comeback.

LIV  
I'd see a... ah.. um...

Maya leans in and tries to feed her a comeback.

MAYA  
(sotto)  
Proctologist.

LIV  
Proctologist... uh for.. um...

MAYA  
(sotto)  
The stake that I'm about to ram up  
your...

LIV  
Maya!

Spike smirks.

SPIKE  
You're not one for the quippage or puns  
are you?

MAYA  
She's better at slicing and dicing the  
undead.  
(threatening)  
Want to see her in action?

SPIKE  
I'd like to see her in those leather  
pants again.

Liv blanches. Spike laughs. Maya glares.

MAYA  
Special. Kind. Of. Hell.

SPIKE  
What are you going to do about it Luv?  
Unless you've got a special power... and  
I mean other than quacking like a  
duck... I'd leave now before that other  
arm mysteriously breaks.

Maya gives Spike an angry look, grabs her book bag  
and stomps off. Liv follows her and stomps past a  
smirking Spike.

As Spike chuckles to himself, Liv turns around and  
bashes Spike's head into the wall. It bounces  
nicely.

SPIKE  
OW! Bloody hell!

LIV  
You... You... Big... Meanie!

Liv runs off after Maya. Spike gathers himself up.

SPIKE  
Damn it all. Hate this bloody town.  
END TEASER

ACT I

EXT. CAPE KENNETH - MAIN STREET

MAYA  
Big meanie?

LIV  
I couldn't think of anything quippy.

MAYA  
Isn't that a part of the whole slayer  
super power package?

LIV  
Apparently not.

Maya smiles and nudges Liv with her good arm.

 

MAYA  
Maybe there's a manual on it.

LIV  
I wish. How's the arm?

MAYA  
Big ol' throbbing mess of pain. But the  
painkillers make it all worthwhile. I  
just have to hide them from my mom. Last  
night she found my bottle and spent four  
hours watching the weather channel.

Liv gives Maya a guilty look and then looks away.

MAYA  
I saw that.

LIV  
What?

MAYA  
The look of guilt. You can't blame  
yourself for this Worm.

LIV  
Just seems that everyone I care about  
lately seems to get in the line of fire.  
And hurt.

MAYA  
Don't worry about me. Wherever you go,  
I'll be by your side... kickin' the ass  
of the major bad.

Liv doesn't look so sure.

SFX: Doorbell ringing.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - DOORWAY

Xander opens the door to find a police detective  
standing there.

POLICE OFFICER  
Alexander Harris?

XANDER  
Yes?

The detective flashes a badge.

POLICE OFFICER  
Officer Muldoon. We found a dead body on  
the Franklin street cemetery last night  
and we were hoping you could help us  
identify it.

Xander frowns.

XANDER  
Why me?

POLICE OFFICER  
Because he was carrying your name and  
address.

Xander's look becomes troubled. The detective  
pulls out a picture and holds it up to Xander.

POLICE OFFICER  
Do you know this person?

Xander gives him a grim look.

XANDER  
Sorry officer  
(takes off sunglasses)  
but I don't think a picture is going to  
help.

The detective reacts to his damaged eyes.

POLICE OFFICER  
Oh sir.. I apologize I...

Xander smiles and puts his sunglasses on. He waves  
away the detective's apology.

XANDER  
It's okay. Hang on a second.  
(calling)  
Luce?

Lucy comes to the door.

LUCY  
What is it?

XANDER  
Does this photo look like anyone we  
know?

Lucy takes the photo and grimaces.

LUCY  
Oooo. What happened to him?

POLICE OFFICER  
Bled to death. No M.E. report yet, but  
if you ask me some animal ripped his  
throat open.

Lucy and Xander exchange a knowing look.

XANDER  
Do we know him?

LUCY  
You might. He's wearing an outfit you  
might see out of Africa.

POLICE OFFICER  
Africa?

XANDER  
I spent a couple of years in Africa with  
the Peace Corps. What's he look like?

POLICE OFFICER  
Early 20's. About 5'10", thin. 150  
pounds tops. Shaved head. Had a strange  
tattoo on his back.

XANDER  
What was it?

The police detective hands another photo to Lucy

POLICE OFFICER  
Umm.. Kind of like a stick figure  
jumping in the air?

LUCY  
Wearing a banana on his head.

POLICE OFFICER  
I thought it was a court jester's hat.  
That sound familiar to you at all?

Xander frowns and shakes his head.

XANDER  
I wish it did. It could be a family I  
knew from Africa that was trying to  
contact me.

POLICE OFFICER  
The guy also had a bag full of some  
weird looking artifacts. How he got it  
through customs, I'm not sure.

XANDER  
Any chance I can take a look at those?

The detective gives Xander an odd look.

POLICE OFFICER  
You mean...

XANDER  
I mean touch them. See if they feel  
familiar.

POLICE OFFICER  
There is still a question of whether or  
not this is a homicide. I'll check with  
my lieutenant and let you know.

XANDER  
Thanks.

The police officer leaves and Xander shuts the  
door behind him. Lucy hugs Xander and gives him a  
cute pout.

LUCY  
So I guess our date is off.

XANDER  
Absolutely not. I can work around this.

LUCY  
Oooo. Take charge guy. What's the plan?

XANDER  
Uh... dinner...

LUCY  
Uh-huh...

XANDER  
A moonlit stroll through the town  
square...

LUCY  
Mmm-hmm....

XANDER  
Then we break in the city morgue and try  
to talk to a corpse.

LUCY  
See this is nice. Romantic evening  
followed with total ick.

XANDER  
Or we could break into the police  
station and see what mystery African guy  
was carrying...

LUCY  
Ahhh... the romance. This is why I have  
to beat the other women off of you with  
a stick.

XANDER  
There's other women? Where's the women?

Lucy gives Xander a passionate kiss.

XANDER  
Never mind the other women. Commence the  
beating... uh.. Of the women... the  
other women... with a stick. Man, that  
didn't come out right.

LUCY  
I got the gist. Date's off?

XANDER  
Rain check?

Lucy gives him a quick kiss.

LUCY  
Rain check.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - LATER

The entire Odd squad, including Audrey and Spike  
are there.

XANDER  
So to sum up: African guy killed while  
trying to track me down; weird tattoo  
which needs to be identified; and at the  
police station there is a bag full of  
African knick knacks that might help  
figure out what is going on. Any  
questions?

JORDY  
Can we get ice cream later?  
(Everyone gives him a strange look)  
I miss Chao-Ahn.

XANDER  
Liv, I want you to head out on patrol  
and see if you can track down the  
vampires who killed this guy. Lucy is  
going to sneak Jordy, Audrey and I into  
the morgue to see if Audrey can talk  
with this dead guy. Spike...

SPIKE  
Just what makes you think you can order  
me around?

XANDER  
Because I thought you'd like to break  
into the police station and steal from  
the evidence room.

SPIKE  
(quickly)  
I'm in.

MAYA  
So I'm going with Liv on patrol, right?

Xander and Liv exchange a "look".

XANDER  
Maya... I think it's best that you stay  
behind.

AUDREY  
Excuse me? Why does gimpy here get to  
stay while I put my life in mortal  
danger? It's not my fault I go all Haley  
Joel Osment whenever there's a dead body  
around.

MAYA  
Look, I can handle...

XANDER  
In the past two weeks you've been  
knocked unconscious and gotten a broken  
arm. Maybe you should just be  
"research-girl" for a while.

MAYA  
How long is a while?

JORDY  
Maya...

MAYA  
What? You're taking his side?

JORDY  
Taking my side, which is the 'keep my  
girlfriend in one piece and unbroken'  
side.

Maya shoots Jordy an evil glare.

MAYA  
Oh so while you guys are all out saving  
the world, I'm stuck here with the moldy  
books and Pongo.

Audrey holds her hand up in the air.

AUDREY  
I'll stay with the moldy books.  
(beat)  
What's a 'Pongo'?

Pongo the wonder puppet pops up beside Audrey and  
waves his arms enthusiastically.

PONGO  
Outlook is good!

Audrey gives Pongo a blank stare and then looks  
back to the group.

AUDREY  
Yeah. I'm okay with the morgue.

MAYA  
So I'm just stuck here, right?

LIV  
Maya... We just want you to be...

MAYA  
You too? Fine. Whatever. Go.

Maya turns and walks into the kitchen. Spike  
smirks and starts heading for the door.

SPIKE  
Nice to see you still have the same  
touch with women, Harris.

Xander grimaces. Lucy gives him a supportive hug.

LUCY  
She'll come around. She's just being  
stubborn.

XANDER  
I hope so.

LUCY  
How about that moonlit stroll?

Xander smiles.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

Jordy approaches Maya.

MAYA  
What do you want?

JORDY  
For you to be safe.

MAYA  
You don't think I can take care of  
myself?

JORDY  
I think you have a broken arm.

MAYA  
Oh like that would stop you or Liv from  
going out. You're supposed to support  
me.

JORDY  
And I fully support the concept of a  
non-damaged you.

Liv approaches Maya with a couple of pieces of  
paper.

LIV  
Maya, Mr. Harris wants you to track down  
the tattoo on that African guy.

Maya snatches the papers out of Liv's hand.

MAYA  
Fine. Whatever. I guess no super powers  
means I'm just a librarian now.

JORDY  
Who happens to have the mighty power of  
search engine navigation.

Maya shoots Jordy a look.

JORDY  
So we're not making with the funny  
anymore?

LIV  
Maya you have...

MAYA  
A broken arm. What are you, a broken  
record?

LIV  
Why are you taking this out on me?

MAYA  
What? You don't think I know Miss 'queen  
of the guilt complex' had something to do  
with this?

LIV  
I just want you to be...

MAYA  
Whatever. Go on your secret missions.  
I've got moldy books and Pongo sitting  
to accomplish.

LIV  
Maya

MAYA  
No. I get it now. I'm just the Velma.

JORDY  
The what?

MAYA  
You're Shaggy, she's Scooby. Xander and  
Lucy are Fred and Daphne. You guys get  
to pair off for hijinxy fun while I'm  
off wearing earth tones and  
babysitting... Scrappy. I'm the research  
girl with no hope of fitting in. The odd  
wheel out.

JORDY  
I think you're way out of context here.

LIV  
Yeah, we just want you to be...

MAYA  
Don't say it. Don't say that word.

AUDREY  
Excuse moi? I'd just like to say  
something.

The odd squad turns and looks at Audrey.

AUDREY  
Just for the record. They're right and  
you're wrong. I mean... come on... other  
than being a smart ass what else do you  
have to offer?

Audrey smirks. Maya smirks back. Audrey turns and  
walks away. Maya grabs a nearby stake and makes to  
attack Audrey. Jordy and Liv grab her and hold her  
back.

MAYA  
Oh come on. You know you want me too.

LIV  
Let it go Maya.

Maya drops the stake. She shakes loose Liv and  
Jordy.

MAYA  
Better get going.

LIV  
Maya...

MAYA  
Go. Just... go.

Maya turns away and goes upstairs.

JORDY  
Velma? Where the hell did she get that?  
I'm mean she doesn't even wear earth  
tones or glasses.

Liv looks up the stairs with concern.

LIV  
I really don't know, Jordy.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM

Maya is pulling books out for research. She stops  
and wipes some tears from her face. She takes a  
deep breath and continues to pull more books.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Liv is walking through the graveyard. She's  
talking into her cell/pda.

LIV  
Squirrel to Natasha. Come in Natasha.

Liv only gets static.

LIV  
Maya... come on. Talk to me.

INT. XANDER'S FIRE HOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Maya's cell lays on a desktop, it is turned off.

PAN TO:

Pongo standing in front of Maya. Behind Maya is a  
large stack of books sitting on the main work  
table. Pongo is very agitated.

MAYA  
Okay Pongo... Listen carefully...

PONGO  
Outlook not good...

Maya holds up the diagrams in one hand for Pongo  
to see.

MAYA  
Somewhere in these books is the  
information regarding these two  
diagrams.

PONGO  
Signs point to yes.

Maya puts down the diagrams and holds up the  
remote control.

MAYA  
The OC is on in ten minutes. If you want  
to watch the show, you better bring me  
the right books.

Pongo freaks out and dives into the stack of  
books. Volumes of books fly everywhere as Maya  
sits down and smirks.

MAYA  
Search engines are for wusses.

INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT

Lucy, Xander, Audrey and Jordy exit the elevator.  
Jordy is fiddling with his cell.

LUCY  
I don't think that's going to work down  
here Jordy...

Lucy motions to a fallout shelter sign.

LUCY  
If radiation can't get through, I doubt  
a cell signal will.

XANDER  
Don't worry about her Jordy. She'll come  
around.

AUDREY  
That's probably when she'll dump your  
ass.

Jordy cocks an eyebrow at Audrey.

JORDY  
You think so?

AUDREY  
Drink the kool-aid Jordy. You dissed her  
and you're a total emo. I mean she would  
be a total 'leet if it wasn't for you  
dragging her down to the levels of the  
pippins.

Jordy rolls his eyes at Audrey.

JORDY  
Audrey, is it true you have to have a  
lobotomy to be on the A squad?

AUDREY  
lobota-what?

XANDER  
Did you understand any of that?

LUCY  
There was something about Jim Jones a  
lobotomy and being dissed, but the rest  
is a blur.

XANDER  
Great. I'm officially old now.

LUCY  
Tell me about it.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Pongo races up to Maya and drops a stack of books  
in front of her. Maya smiles and hands over the  
remote.

MAYA  
Thank you Pongo.

Maya takes a long look at the stack of books and  
sighs.

MAYA  
Time to embrace the inner geek.

As Maya opens her first book...

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Three vampires charge at Liv. Liv does a spinning  
kick, knocking a vampire against the wall. She  
stakes the second vampire; blocks a two punch  
combo from the third vampire; ducks under the  
vampire's scissor kick and stakes him. The  
remaining vampire tries to make a break for it,  
but Liv throws him up against a large gravestone.

LIV  
Uh-uh. I left you alive for a reason.

VAMPIRE  
Technically I'm undead.

LIV  
Oh... A smart ass.

Liv slams a stake into the vampire.

VAMPIRE  
Oww!

The vampire looks around. He doesn't turn to dust.

VAMPIRE  
You missed.

LIV  
No I didn't.

Liv twists the stake. The vampire howls some more.

LIV  
I need to ask you some questions...

JORDY  
(VO)  
Look familiar?

INT. MORGUE

Lucy is keeping lookout on the door. Jordy and  
Xander has pulled out one of the corpse drawers  
and unzipped the body bag revealing the dead young  
man from Africa. Audrey is a little freaked out  
and is hugging herself.

XANDER  
Maybe if I saw his aura before. Audrey?  
This is where you come in.

AUDREY  
(scared)  
He's... He's already talking to me.

Audrey takes a few steps closer.

JORDY  
What's he saying?

AUDREY  
That he was sent by his Iqghira,  
T'Challa.

XANDER  
He's from Nigeria.

AUDREY  
Yes. He's come to warn you of an enemy  
you have faced together.

JORDY  
How many were there?

XANDER  
About two or three.

JORDY  
Oh. Then it shouldn't be hard to...

XANDER  
(sighs)  
...dozen.

JORDY  
(Realization)  
Oooooh.

XANDER  
Can he tell us who?

AUDREY  
One who cannot be named.

JORDY  
Great. We're fighting Voldemort.

Audrey looks at the dead body with confusion.

AUDREY  
Okay. Now he's laughing. He says to say  
its name is to invite its presence.

XANDER  
Figures.

AUDREY  
The Ighira called him the pretender and  
had powers over the dead. He could grant  
these powers to any of his followers.

XANDER  
What kind of powers?

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

A figure is cloaked and hooded in a dark robe. It  
sits inside a circle of lit candles.

CLOAKED FIGURE  
Pro trucido quisnam ingredior amoung  
silenti etc, exsisto existo ex vestri  
tumbus.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Liv is still "questioning" the vampire. She's  
twisting the stake again.

VAMPIRE  
Oooooww! I'm telling you the truth.

A vampire bursts through the ground behind Liv.

LIV  
I believe you.

The new vampire heads toward Liv. The vampire sees  
it coming and tries to distract Liv.

VAMPIRE  
Does that mean you'll let me go?

LIV  
I don't think so.

Liv pulls the stake out and then stakes the  
vampire in the heart, dusting him.

LIV  
Not with your buddy coming up behind...

Liv turns around and stabs the new vampire square  
in the heart.

LIV  
ME!

Liv pulls the stake back and waits for the results  
which are.... nothing. Hmm.. Guess it really  
wasn't a vampire now was it?

LIV  
What the...?

The "thing" backhands Liv and sends her flying  
across the graveyard. Liv looks up and takes a  
good look-see at the thing that just hit her. It  
stumbles forward mindlessly and its eyes are  
completely white.

LIV  
Oh, crap.

INT. MORGUE

Audrey is now closer to the dead body. She's very uncomfortable  
and nervous.

AUDREY  
Its followers are called the abatha...  
abatha-something.

XANDER  
Abathakathi.

AUDREY  
Yes.

JORDY  
What's that?

XANDER  
African equivalent of a witch.

JORDY  
Like Willow?

XANDER  
Definitely not like Willow. What kind of  
powers does it grant?

AUDREY  
It allows that abathi-things to create  
izi-.... I can't pronounce it.

XANDER  
Slowly..

AUDREY  
Izi-thun-zela.

JORDY  
What's that?

Xander shakes his head.

XANDER  
I've never heard of them.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Maya is looking at a book showing the image Xander  
was having in his vision.

MAYA  
(reading aloud)  
The Izithunzela are spirits of evil  
souls bound to the bodies of the  
recently departed by the darkest of  
magics.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

The cloaked figure chants again

CLOAKED FIGURE  
Pro auditor of silenti etc, exsisto  
existo ex vestri somnus quod tentatio

INT. MORGUE

LUCY  
Someone's coming!

Xander and Jordy zip up the body bag and are  
trying to push the drawer in.

LUCY  
Hurry up!

JORDY  
It's stuck.

AUDREY  
Oh god. Are we going...

Detective Muldoon walks through the door and  
everyone freezes.

MULDOON  
What the hell is going on here?

XANDER  
Well... ah... the truth is my cousin...

Xander puts his hand on Jordy's shoulder

XANDER  
..visited me for a couple of months when  
I was in Africa...

The body bag behind Jordy, Audrey and Xander  
suddenly sits up.

LUCY  
Uh... Xander?

XANDER  
...and I thought he might be able to  
identify the body....

Muldoon's eyes pop out of his head. Lucy steps  
back to the door.

LUCY  
Xander?

The bag rips open and the young man is now  
sporting the same white eyes as the izithunzela  
that attacked Liv. Xander, Jordy and Audrey turn  
to look around as the zombie-like creature leaps  
at Audrey and throws her to the ground. It jumps  
on top of her and begins to strangle her.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

A cloaked and hooded figure sits in a circle of  
lit candles.

CLOAKED FIGURE  
Qui have obduco in. Ex vestri tumbus  
exsisto existo quod ingredior. pareo  
meus to order.

Five animated bodies with the white eyes pop out  
of the ground and stand at attention. The cloaked  
figure rises.

CLOAKED FIGURE  
Follow me.

EXT. CEMETERY

Liv charges the Izithunzela. She jumps into the  
air and hits it with a flying kick. The monster  
falls back some but continues after Liv. Liv follows  
up with three solid punches to the head. The  
izithunzela backhands Liv and knocks her to the  
ground. Liv falls hard. She rolls back away from  
the monster and pulls out her battle axe.

LIV  
All right. If you're a zombie, let's see  
how well you do without your...

Liv swings and decapitates the izithunzela.

LIV  
(smiles)  
... head.

The body stands there for a moment and then  
punches Liv, sending her flying into a grave  
stone. Liv groans as she pulls herself up.

LIV  
(in pain)  
Apparently it does pretty well.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

MAYA  
(reading aloud)  
The izithunzela are impervious to damage  
except from weapons forged in iron or  
have been blessed by a holy man. Even  
then a strike peircing the head or heart  
is the only action that will permanently  
destroy the izithunzela.

INT. MORGUE

Jordy wolfs out and tackles the izithunzela,  
knocking it off of Audrey. Xander grabs Audrey and  
pushes her back to the end of the room.

The izithunzela throws Jordy off, bouncing him off  
a wall.

XANDER  
Lucy! The bag!

Lucy takes off the satchel she's carrying and  
throws it to Xander. Detective Muldoon comes to  
his senses and pulls his gun.

POLICE OFFICER  
Freeze! Nobody move!

XANDER  
Detective...

POLICE OFFICER  
I said don't move.

The izithunzela plods forward toward Audrey.  
Muldoon points his gun at the creature.

MULDOON  
I said... don't move.

The creature moves forward. Muldoon starts  
emptying his clip into the monster, while also  
moving forward. The monster jolts with each bullet fired,  
but by the time Muldoon has emptied his clip, the  
izithunzela has already grabbed his throat.

MULDOON  
Holy sh-

The Izithunzela snaps Muldoon's neck.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

MAYA  
Once a Izithunzela has killed, its  
victim is immediately turned into one of  
its own... Oh man. These things suck.

Maya picks up her cell and turns it on.

MAYA  
Natasha to Moose and Squirrel.

INT. MORGUE

Static bursts from Xander's cell on his belt as  
Jordy charges the izithunzela and throws it off  
the body of Detective Muldoon. As Jordy battles  
the Izithunzela, Lucy tries to get to Muldoon.  
Xander stops her and pulls a sword out of the bag.

LUCY  
Xander! He's hurt.

XANDER  
No. He's dead.

Audrey grows pale and points at Muldoon's body.

AUDREY  
And it's about to get worse.

Muldoon rises. His eyes are now pearly white.

LUCY  
Holy crap!

XANDER  
Jordy! Let's get out of here!

EXT. CEMETERY

Liv flies through the air and lands on a ground.  
She jumps up and charges the headless izithunzela.  
Behind her is a crushed cell/pda.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

MAYA  
(on cell)  
Guys? Anyone? Can you hear me?

No response. Maya is filled with dread.

MAYA  
Okay. This is not good.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE

The cloaked figure approaches Xander's house,  
followed by five of the zombie like creatures. It  
looks like an empty lot. The cloaked figure shakes  
it's head and grunts.

CLOAKED FIGURE  
Oh, Willow... You should know better.

The cloaked figure waves its arms around. Xander's  
Firehouse shimmers into view.

CLOAKED FIGURE  
If there is anyone who can recognize a  
good glamour spell...

The figure pulls back its hood revealing..

AMY  
It would be me.  
(to the zombie creatures)  
Attack the house.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Maya is still trying to raise the group on the  
cell phone.

MAYA  
Xander? Jordy? Liv? Come on guys, I that  
there's something that might be about to  
attack...

An izithunzela breaks down the front door. Two  
more spill in after the first.

MAYA  
Crap!

EXT. CEMETERY

Liv swings her axe and another body part of the  
izithunzela goes flying. As we pull back, we see  
that Liv has pretty much chopped the izithunzela  
into bits... bits that are still moving around.  
Liv leans against a gravestone and pants.

LIV  
Why do I feel like I'm in the middle of  
a Monty Python movie?

A burst of static is heard.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Liv!

Liv turns and sees the crushed cell/pda. Liv picks  
it up and tries to make it work.

LIV  
Maya?

All we hear is static. Liv takes off at full  
speed.

INT. HALLWAY TO MORGUE

Xander and Jordy push a large vending machine in  
front of the morgue doors. Pounding is heard on  
the other side. Lucy is helping Audrey move down  
the hallway.

XANDER  
That should do it! Come on!

Xander takes off down the hallway.

AUDREY  
Where are you going?

LUCY  
Shouldn't we try to find a way to get  
rid of those things?

Xander turns around and looks at the group.

XANDER  
If they're attacking us here... Then  
most likely they're also going to  
attack...

LUCY  
Liv...

JORDY  
Maya...

XANDER  
Let's go!

Everyone takes off down the hallway.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Maya looks at the oncoming Izithunzela and runs  
into the kitchen and dives behind the kitchen  
island.

MAYA  
(to cell)  
Guys? A little help here would be nice.

She gets only static in return.

MAYA  
Great.

She hears the izithunzela getting closer. She  
looks up and sees a cast iron frying pan. She  
grabs the pan and jumps to her feet. As she turns  
she comes eye to eye with an izithunzela. She  
screams and without thinking, embeds the frying  
pan into the monster's skull. The izithunzela  
falls to the ground like a stone.

MAYA  
Hey...

Maya looks around and sees the remaining  
izithunzela coming toward her slowly.

MAYA  
Crap.

Maya makes a break for it and runs upstairs.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM

Maya runs into the room and throws open the  
weapons' cabinet. It's filled with all sorts of  
weapons.

MAYA  
Okay... Iron... Iron... Of course...  
this is all steel.

We hear the sounds of the izithunzela slowly come  
up the stairs.

MAYA  
Crap!

Maya then looks down at a couple of vials of holy  
water. She picks up one of the vials

MAYA  
Blessed by a holy man, eh?

Maya takes down two of the handheld crossbows from  
the wall and awkwardly loads them with her good  
hand.

The izithunzela appear at the top of the stairs.

Maya pours holy water over the quarrels; grabs one  
of the hand held crossbows and aims.

MAYA  
Let's hope this works.

Maya fires and hits one of the monsters in the  
heart area. Maya holds her breath as it stalls and  
then falls over.

MAYA  
Yes!

Maya grabs the other handheld crossbow, aims and  
hits the other izithunzela in the head. It drops  
to the ground as Maya does her victory dance.

MAYA  
Yes! I rock!

AMY  
(OS)  
I'd hold off on the victory celebration,  
sweetie.

Maya turns to see Amy and two more izithunzela  
behind her.

AMY  
It's not over yet.

INT. STREETS OF CAPE KENNETH

Liv is running like a bat out of hell toward the  
firehouse. She screaming into the cell.

LIV  
Mr. Harris! Maya! Anyone!

INT. LUCY'S CAR

Lucy is driving like a bat out of hell. Xander is  
on his cell.

XANDER  
Liv? Liv? Can you hear me?

From the cell we hear a burst of static.

LIV  
I'm (static) fine! Get (static) Maya  
(static) trouble.

Lucy hangs a hard left.

LUCY  
Hang on!

AUDREY  
Any chance you guys could drop me off at  
home first?

Everyone looks at her with disgust.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM

Maya is held captive by two of the izithunzela.  
Amy is looking at her with interest.

AMY  
So what are you? A slayer?

MAYA  
I'm... not a slayer. I'm just me.

AMY  
Uh-huh. Well you did pretty well there.  
Of course, now you're going to die, so  
don't get a big head or anything.

MAYA  
Yeah, before they kill me and I become  
one of the walking dead... you mind  
telling me what this is all about?

AMY  
Oh is this the part where I'm supposed  
to tell you the entire nefarious scheme  
while you stall for time?

MAYA  
Kind of hoping.

AMY  
Yeah. Well I'm not your typical James  
Bond kind of villain. So if you don't  
mind?  
(to the izithunzela)  
Kill h--

Suddenly a very large knife is put to Amy's  
throat. Spike steps behind Amy with a smirk on his  
face.

SPIKE  
I thought I smelled a rat.

AMY  
Oh, like I haven't heard that one  
before. You're still around are you?

SPIKE  
Yep. Want to have those uglies over  
there release the girl before I ruin  
your singing voice?

AMY  
You going to let me go?

SPIKE  
Sounds like a deal.

AMY  
Well then... I'll see you around.

Amy snaps her fingers and she and the izithunzela  
disappear in a flash of light. Maya collapses to  
the floor.

SPIKE  
You okay?

MAYA  
Yeah. Thanks.

SPIKE  
No problem ducks.

Maya and Spike share a smile. Maya nods to the  
three bags at Spikes' feet.

MAYA  
You find those artifacts?

Spike nudges one of the bags forward.

SPIKE  
That would be what you guys are looking  
for.

MAYA  
What's the other two bags?

SPIKE  
Stuff I wanted.

Maya and Spike share a smile.

LIV  
(OS)  
Maya!

SPIKE  
Up here!

Liv and Jordy run up the stairs and practically  
tackle Maya.

LIV  
Oh my god. We saw the damage down there  
and...

JORDY  
You're okay right?

MAYA  
I'm fine.

LIV  
It's a good thing that Spike got home in  
time to kill those things.

SPIKE  
Actually...

Maya looks at Spike and shakes her head. Spike  
gives her a confused look.

SPIKE  
I... did... get.. home... early. yeah.  
Anywho...

Spike kicks the artifact bag over to the odd  
squad.

SPIKE  
I'll be in my basement.

LIV  
I can't stand him.

MAYA  
I don't know. I think he's okay.

Liv gives Maya and odd look.

MAYA  
C'mon. You want to know what those  
things are?

JORDY  
You know?

MAYA  
Please. I'm the queen of research.

The group laughs as they go downstairs.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander and Maya are looking at the torn up room.  
Jordy, Liv and Lucy are trying to clean up.

LUCY  
Hey does this mean you're going to have  
to hire those cute construction workers  
again?

XANDER  
Well yeah...

LUCY  
'Cuz maybe I should stick around here  
and make sure they do the job right.

Xander shakes his head and smiles.

XANDER  
Yeah. I'm sure. And them being hot and  
sweaty have nothing to do with it.

LUCY  
Absolutely not.

Liv and Jordy have picked up most of the books.

JORDY  
Where do you want these?

XANDER  
You guys mind taking them upstairs while  
I talk with Maya?

Lucy, Liv and Jordy share a look and go upstairs  
while saying they don't mind. Xander and Maya  
"look" at each other. Maya is a little

MAYA  
I... uh found out what all those symbols  
meant.

XANDER  
Let me guess... One was about these  
izithunzela.

MAYA  
Yeah. The other one was a symbol of an  
Orisha... some type of African... deity  
I guess.

XANDER  
An Orisha? Which one?

MAYA  
He goes by a couple of names, but he  
mostly goes by Ellegua.

Xander sighs.

MAYA  
You know who that is?

XANDER  
Yeah. We've met.

MAYA  
Is he the big bad?

XANDER  
No. But I have a pretty good idea who it  
is.

Xander scans the wreckage of the room. Shakes his  
head and smiles.

XANDER  
So how was the rest of your evening?

Maya shrugs comically.

MAYA  
Oh... you know. The usual. Moldy books,  
demon lore, reliving a demon version of  
Die Hard.

XANDER  
So nothing happened like... oh...  
stopping three of those zombie creatures  
on your own?

MAYA  
How'd did you...

XANDER  
The blind man sees all.

MAYA  
Yeah. Did you know that's getting a  
little creepy?

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
Actually Spike told me. Pretty  
impressive, especially with a broken  
arm.

Maya gives Xander a sardonic look.

MAYA  
Not bad for a Velma, huh?

XANDER  
A what?

MAYA  
(bitter)  
The Velma. You know. The useless Scooby  
know-it-all.

XANDER  
Is that what you think? That we think  
you're useless?

MAYA  
Well.. I guess that's what happens when  
you have no powers. Except for Spike who  
says I quack like a duck.

XANDER  
Take it from the Zeppo. You're a bigger  
part of this group than you think.

MAYA  
What's a Zeppo?

XANDER  
Ever hear of Groucho, Chico and Harpo?

MAYA  
Yeah. Marx Brothers.

XANDER  
Zeppo was the one you never heard of.  
The one that wasn't important. The one  
that wasn't really part of the group.  
That was me. Or what I thought I was.

MAYA  
Yeah... well you're the almighty seer  
now, so I guess that upgraded you to at  
least the Chico level.

XANDER  
You think this sight thing is what makes  
me a part of this group? What made me go  
to Africa and become a watcher? What  
made me become Liv's watcher? Nah. Not  
to sound egotistical, but there's more  
to me than that. Just like there's more  
to you being mad at us for trying to  
keep you "safe" tonight.

Maya gives Xander a confused look.

XANDER  
How bad is it?

MAYA  
What?

XANDER  
Your mom's drinking.

Maya looks away and swallows hard.

MAYA  
What did... What did Jordy tell you?

XANDER  
Jordy didn't tell me anything. I've  
heard the jokes. Hell, I've made those  
jokes.

Maya says nothing.

XANDER  
Is she abusive?

MAYA  
She... She doesn't hit me if that's what  
you mean.

XANDER  
Sometimes the words hurt more. Right?

Maya nods. Xander gently touches Maya's shoulder.

XANDER  
I think out of the entire odd squad you  
and I have the most in common.

MAYA  
You're a teenage cheerleader who likes  
to wear short skirts?

Xander smiles, but ignores the joke.

XANDER  
There's a reason why we want you to be  
safe Maya. It's not because you don't  
have powers... it's because if something  
happened to you... we'd lose something  
pretty special.

MAYA  
Is that the 'good' kind of special or  
the 'short bus to school' kind of  
special?

Xander smiles again, but ignores Maya's joke.

XANDER  
We all depend on you Maya. You're what  
keeps us balanced. You're more than  
Liv's friend, Jordy's girlfriend and the  
bane of Audrey's existence. You're  
family.

Maya swallows hard and wipes away a couple of  
tears.

XANDER  
Plus you have a broken arm! For crying  
out loud! Why do you think we made you  
stay here?

MAYA  
I know. I just felt...

XANDER  
Abandoned.

MAYA  
Yeah.

XANDER  
You over that now?

MAYA  
Yes.

XANDER  
Thank Zeus.

Maya laughs.

MAYA  
Thanks. I mean it.

XANDER  
No more jokes?

MAYA  
No... but I'm going to need a shot of  
insulin if this keeps up.

Xander smiles and pats Maya on the back

XANDER  
It's late. I'll go find Jordy and have  
him walk you home.

MAYA  
Okay.

Xander turns to go upstairs as Maya rushes up and  
gives him a big hug.

MAYA  
Thanks again.

XANDER  
You're welcome.

Maya breaks off the hug and runs away. Xander  
smiles and goes up the steps.

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	4. Mr. Harris Goes to Washington

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crossover with the West Wing. Not specifically in this story but written after binge watching the West Wing one evening.

TEASER

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Spike is sitting in front of the TV flipping  
channels like a mad man. Xander and the rest of  
the Odd squad are in research mode.

SPIKE  
Who is this poof?! I can't get rid of  
him! He's on every bleedin' channel.

JORDY  
You don't know who that is?

SPIKE  
How the bloody hell should I know who  
that is? What is this? A reality show  
with people yappin' all the time?

XANDER  
Oh he's a pretty important guy Spike.  
I'm sure you've heard of him.

SPIKE  
How do you know who he is? You can't  
even watch the telly anymore.

XANDER  
He's the President of the United States,  
Spike. That's kind of a voice you don't  
forget.

LIV  
He's pretty popular around here. He used  
to be governor of our state.

Spike tilts his head and watches the TV for a  
moment.

PRESIDENT  
(On TV. Filtered)  
And in this time of great abundance...  
can we really ask the children who go to  
bed hungry if it's all right to pay $200  
for a hammer? $600 for a toilet seat?  
No! That is why in my final term I  
promise that I'll be issuing reforms for  
our milita-

Spike turns off the TV.

SPIKE  
Talks a hell of a lot, doesn't he?

XANDER  
He's a politician Spike. They're all a  
bunch of...

Xander places his hand against the TV. He tilts  
his head.

SPIKE  
All a bunch of what?

The blood drains from Xander's face.

LIV  
Mr. Harris?

Xander sits down and rubs his head.

SPIKE  
What the hell is wrong with you?

XANDER  
(weakly)  
Vision.

MAYA  
I thought they didn't cause you pain  
anymore.

XANDER  
They don't. Call Buffy.

SPIKE  
What for?

XANDER  
We need to track down an old friend.

Off the group's confused reaction we cut to:

EXT. WHITE HOUSE

TOBY(VO)  
Did you see the reaction to his  
statement last night?

INT. WHITE HOUSE WEST WING

Leo McGarry and Toby Zeigler walk briskly through  
the entrance and through security.

LEO  
I thought Norton and Vasquez's heads were  
going to pop off.

TOBY  
Do you think we have a chance?

LEO  
I don't think we're going to run the  
table if that's what you're asking.

TOBY  
I'm not asking about the table, I'm  
asking about half the senate going  
ballistic on our asses because we're  
going to make the largest cut in  
military spending since...

LEO  
We got angry people on both sides of the  
fence. We just need to make them  
understand that we are looking at  
unnecessary spending.

TOBY  
These are the guys who added a rider on  
a deficit reduction bill for twenty  
million dollars to study salmon  
migration.

LEO  
I'm sure it was very important study.

TOBY  
You know what salmon do when they  
migrate?

LEO  
Swim upstream?

TOBY  
This is what I'm saying!!

LEO  
We'll address it at the staff meeting.

TOBY  
Twenty million dollars!

LEO  
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Leave me alone would  
ya?

TOBY  
Line item vetoes!

LEO  
Later.

Toby walks off in a huff. Margaret, Leo's  
assistant, is suddenly at Leo's side.

MARGARET  
You don't have your pager.

LEO  
No I don't. Why? You page me?

MARGARET  
I've been paging you for the last twenty  
minutes.

LEO  
Which I would have known if I had my  
pager. What is it?

Margaret gives Leo a wary look.

MARGARET  
Don't kill the messenger Leo.

LEO  
Oh why the hell not, Margaret?

MARGARET  
General MacNamara.

LEO  
Oh what does that blowhard want?

MARGARET  
I don't know, but he's sitting in your  
office.

LEO  
Did he have an appointment?

MARGARET  
No but...

LEO  
But what? I'm a busy man. How many  
appointments do I have today?

MARGARET  
Lots but...

LEO  
I know for a fact that at ten I have  
three meetings scheduled. If I had a  
smarter assistant, I'd probably be able  
to whittle it down to two, but...

MARGARET  
But he knew the phrase that pays...

LEO  
The phrase that pays?

MARGARET  
I'm not sure exactly what you call it.

LEO  
What is the phrase that pays?

MARGARET  
That there's an old friend from home  
that he'd like you to meet.

Leo stops and gives Margaret a look of wonder.

LEO  
He said that? How'd he...?

MARGARET  
I don't know. He just did.

LEO  
Where is he?

MARGARET  
Waiting in your office.

INT. LEO'S OFFICE

General MacNamara sits in full dress uniform. He  
addresses someone off screen.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
You better be right about this.

VOICE(OS)  
Trust me sir. I wouldn't have brought it  
this far if...

Leo walks into the room. The General stands up.

LEO  
Hank, you better have a good reason for  
pulling a stunt like this.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
Leo, I wouldn't do this if it wasn't  
important.

LEO  
How did you know about our...

GEN. MACNAMARA  
I know a lot of things Leo. I know too  
much for my own good.

LEO  
So what's so important?

GEN. MACNAMARA  
We have reason to believe that the  
President's life is in danger.

Leo gives the general a look as though he's out of  
his mind.

LEO  
You're kidding me, right? Why are you  
bringing this to me? Take it to the  
President's security detail! It's their  
job for crying out loud.

VOICE(OS)  
Trust me Mr. McGarry...

Riley Finn steps up to the plate. He's gathered a  
few more scars on his face, but he's still got  
that clean cut look.

RILEY  
The security detail isn't trained for  
this kind of problem.

END TEASER

 

ACT I

INT. LEO'S OFFICE

Leo is looking at the general and Riley as though  
they both have grown a second head.

LEO  
Let me get this straight. A hush-hush  
military group with no governmental  
oversight that investigates and disposes  
of boogeymen and monsters...

RILEY  
Hostile Sub-Terrestials.

Leo give Riley a look and shakes his head.

LEO  
...has received information that the  
President's life is in danger from the  
supernatural?

GEN. MACNAMARA  
You heard us right, Leo.

LEO  
Is this a joke Hank? 'Cuz I'm not  
laughing.

RILEY  
Mr. McGarry, I know this is hard to  
believe, but a reliable source has  
tipped us off regarding a potential  
attack and it is important to act on  
this.

LEO  
And who exactly is this reliable source?  
One of your hostile-sub whatevers?

The General and Riley squirm uncomfortably.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
Well Leo...

The General gives Riley a look.

RILEY  
It's a friend of mine.

LEO  
A friend.

RILEY  
Well... A friend... of my ex-girlfriend.

LEO  
Oh well, that's just perfect.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
(to Riley)  
I told you this was a waste of time.

RILEY  
Mr. McGarry, I've been working  
undercover for the USA for over ten  
years now. I've seen things that no  
normal person should ever have to deal  
with. I've violated every level of  
protocol to bring you this information. Chances  
are... My career is over. I know you  
take your job seriously. Well so do I.  
My job is to protect the United States  
from hostile forces, and that's why I'm  
here. Look... I know this guy. He's on  
the level. He wouldn't steer me wrong.

LEO  
I don't know whether or not to salute  
you or shoot you.

The general rolls his eyes.

LEO  
I want to meet him.

RILEY  
I thought you might say that.

INT. MURAL ROOM

Xander is sitting in a chair, dressed in his suit  
and carrying his collapsed white cane with a red  
tip. Bonnie, one of the white house administrative  
aides is checking in on him.

BONNIE  
Is everything okay Mr. Harris? Can I get  
you anything to read... I mean.. um...

XANDER  
It's okay. I'm fine thank you.

BONNIE  
Do you know who you are supposed to be  
meeting with?

XANDER  
I think they're coming right now.

BONNIE  
What?

Leo, Riley and the General walk in behind Bonnie.

LEO  
Bonnie, can we have a few moments  
please?

Bonnie looks at Xander wondering how he knew they  
were arriving. Xander just smiles in return.

BONNIE  
Of course.

Bonnie leaves and closes the door behind her.

RILEY  
Xander, this is Leo McGarry the White  
House Chief of Staff. Mr.McGarry this is  
Xander Harris he is...

LEO  
The man who can see ghosts and goblins.

Xander gives Leo a grim smile.

XANDER  
I think we can rule out the ghosts. And  
goblins tend to smell, so we can  
probably rule them out too.

Leo takes a second look at Xander

LEO  
You're... you're blind?

XANDER  
Not by choice.

LEO  
Are you telling me a blind man has  
'seen' the President of the United  
States being assassinated?

XANDER  
Take a look at your classical  
literature, Mr. McGarry. All the great  
seers were blind.

LEO  
And what classical literature are we  
talking about exactly?

Xander gives a sheepish grin.

XANDER  
Okay. You got me. I've never read any  
classical literature.

Leo rolls his eyes.

LEO  
Why should I believe this guy?

RILEY  
Xander, can you...?

Xander holds his hand out as if to shake Leo's  
hand.

XANDER  
Mr. McGarry, would you mind taking my  
hand?

Leo looks at Xander suspiciously then grasps his  
hand.

LEO  
You're not going to get fresh with me  
are...

Suddenly the room twists and we are....

INT. OVAL OFFICE

Secret Service detail is running everywhere.

SECRET SERVICE  
Eagle is down! Eagle is down! Lock down  
the building!

Leo and Xander stand in the middle of the room  
holding hands. The secret service people are  
ignoring them.

LEO  
What the...

Leo tries to pull away but Xander tightens his  
grip.

XANDER  
Hold on.

LEO  
What is this?

XANDER  
This is what I saw. Look.

Xander points and Leo looks to see President  
Bartlett lying on the ground, his eyes wide open  
and looking dead. Blood flows over the presidential  
seal on the carpet.

LEO  
My God. Stop this. Stop this now.

Xander lets go of Leo's hand.

INT. MURAL ROOM

Leo has turned white as a ghost and is a little  
wobbly. Riley helps him into a chair.

LEO  
Jesus. What the hell was that?

RILEY  
That's what will happen to the President  
if we don't intervene.

LEO  
My God.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
I don't mind telling you Leo, I had to  
change my pants after what that boy  
showed me.

LEO  
What are you? Some kind of human Tivo  
that only shows horror films?

XANDER  
Mr. spook-o-vision. That's me.

LEO  
What was it? How do we stop it?

XANDER  
Um... yeah. That's where we run into a  
gray area.

LEO  
How gray?

XANDER  
Uh... Charcoal.

Leo groans and puts his head between his hands.

XANDER  
Based on what I saw... I know that he  
was alone when it happened. Or he was  
with someone he trusts.

LEO  
Trusts?

GEN. MACNAMARA  
We could be dealing with a demon that  
changed it's appearance and has taken on  
the persona.

LEO  
So it can be anybody?

RILEY  
Virtually. Xander here can see...

LEO  
I thought you were blind?

XANDER  
It's a long story.

RILEY  
A vampire and an incarnation of the  
first evil ripped out his eyes  
fulfilling an ancient prophesy giving  
him a... second sight if you will.

XANDER  
That would be the short version.

LEO  
Uh-huh.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
Leo, you understand that this has to be  
kept under wraps?

LEO  
What? That an illegally funded portion  
of the military that fights the  
supernatural has discovered a plot to  
kill the president? Gee thanks for the  
newsflash Hank.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
I can have members of my team join the  
protection detail.

LEO  
No. That's going to cause too much  
attention. Any sudden change of  
personnel is going to get the rumor mill  
started.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
Leo, if we don't provide some kind of  
additional protection... somebody who  
understands the kind of threat we  
face...

Riley coughs. The general and Leo give him a look.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
Got a cold Agent Finn?

RILEY  
It's just that Xander and I might have  
an alternative to our team, General. One  
that should be able to contain the...  
issue.

LEO  
Oh? And what exactly is this  
alternative?

INT. BULLPEN

Liv, Maya and Jordy are getting a tour from Donna  
Moss. The odd squad are dressed in their  
traditional catholic school uniforms.

DONNA  
So what school are you kids from?

LIV  
St. Bufalari from Cape Kenneth, New  
Hampshire.

DONNA  
Really? The president's from there you  
know.

MAYA  
Well, yeah. He was our governor.

DONNA  
Did you vote for him?

LIV  
In our mock election. I actually voted  
for Mickey Mouse. That's okay right? I'm  
not going to kicked out or anything.

Donna gives Liv a smile.

DONNA  
Your secret is safe with me.

LIV  
(sotto)  
Do you think it's her? No one can be that  
perky.

MAYA  
Her? Perky? Look in the mirror lately?

LIV  
Shut up.

Jordy shakes his head.

JORDY  
She's cool.

MAYA  
How do you know?

JORDY  
She smells human.

MAYA  
Okay... can we say 'Eww'?

DONNA  
So what kind of contest did you guys  
win?

LIV  
We wrote the best essays in our school.

DONNA  
What was your essay on?

Liv is caught flatfooted.

LIV  
Um... 'How cool is democracy'?

Jordy and Maya roll their eyes. Donna gives Liv an  
odd look.

DONNA  
Really. That's... interesting. Would you  
guys like some key chains with the  
presidential seal on them?

JORDY  
Sure!

Maya leans into Liv's ear.

MAYA  
(sotto)  
Nice one Mugsy.

LIV  
Shut up.

As Donna is handing out the key chains, Jordy gets  
a confused look on his face and turns his head.  
Donna looks at Jordy and then what he is looking  
at which just happens to be a door closing.

DONNA  
Something wrong?

JORDY  
Uh. No. Thought I heard something.

Leo, Riley and Xander walk up behind Donna.

LEO  
Donna.

DONNA  
Hey Leo, did you meet our contest  
winners?

LEO  
Not yet, but I've just finished reading  
their essays and talking to their...

Leo looks at Xander and Riley and shakes his head.  
He quickly puts on a big fake smile.

LEO  
Teachers, and I think we should do  
something extra special for these kids.

DONNA  
Like what?

LEO  
I'd like them to stay the week. Give  
them full access. Since Liv... Which one  
is Liv?

LIV  
That's me.

LEO  
Since Liv was the the overall essay  
winner she and Mr. Finn will be  
shadowing the President all week.

DONNA  
What?

LEO  
As for Jordy and Maya, I'd like them to  
interview the entire senior staff for  
their school newspaper with Mr. Harris.  
How's that sound kids?

Liv, Maya, Jordy and Donna are floored.

LIV  
Uh...

DONNA  
Shouldn't that go through Toby and CJ?

LEO  
Would you work that out with them Donna?  
I... I've got a couple of things going  
on.

Donna frowns, but nods her head.

DONNA  
Sure. Sure. Not a problem.

LEO  
Miss Fontaine? Mr. Finn? Why don't you  
come with me? Donna, why don't you make  
arrangements with the senior staff?

DONNA  
Right. Um. I'll be right back.

Donna turns and walks away.

DONNA  
That must have been some essay.

Leo takes an appraising look at the Odd Squad.

LEO  
So. You guys are going to save the  
President huh?

Liv turns a shade of green.

LEO  
You okay?

XANDER  
Where's your bathroom?

LEO  
Down the hall on the left.

Liv takes off like a shot holding her hand in  
front of her mouth.

LEO  
Please tell me that's the not the one  
who's going to be guarding the  
president.

RILEY  
Uh... no sir.

XANDER  
That's our big gun.

Leo groans.

LEO  
Wonderful. Mr. Finn? Let's go get our  
"big gun".

Riley and Leo walk after Liv.

MAYA  
Let me get this straight. We're now  
responsible for saving the life of the  
President?

XANDER  
Yep. Liv is going to play super-secret  
service with Riley. We're going to  
interview as many staff members as we  
can and see if we can flush the killer  
out.

MAYA  
Us? We're all that stands from  
protecting the free world? No secret  
service? No big army guys with rifles?

XANDER  
Just us.

MAYA  
We're doomed.

JORDY  
I think the vice-president's in good  
health, right?

XANDER  
Take it easy. We can do this. I've got  
this sight thing. Jordy's got his  
werewolf senses and...

Xander looks at Maya. Maya looks at Xander  
sarcastically.

XANDER  
And you've got an innate sense of comic  
timing.

MAYA  
Like I said: We're doomed.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR

Liv is walking along with Riley and Leo.

LEO  
You okay? You need something to eat?

LIV  
I think food is a bad idea right now,  
Mr. McGarry.

LEO  
I've never seen a little girl throw up  
so much.  
(looks at Liv and then Riley)  
How is a girl that small supposed to  
protect the commander in chief?

RILEY  
Trust me sir. She's a slayer.

LEO  
You say that like it's supposed to  
mean something to me.

RILEY  
Trust me sir. She's got what it takes.

LEO  
Uh-huh.

Leo sticks his head into the Outer Oval office  
Secretary.

RILEY  
(sotto)  
You can handle this right?

LIV  
Um. Okay. Sure.

RILEY  
Oh boy.

LEO  
(OS)  
Charlie? Debbie? Can I see you in my  
office please?

CHARLIE  
(OS)  
Can it wait?

LEO  
It's about an old friend from back home.

Debbie Fiderer and Charlie Young scoot out of the  
outer oval office and into Leo's office with  
seconds to spare. Leo, Liv and Riley.

DEBBIE  
What's going on Leo?

LEO  
Charlie Young, Debbie Fiderer, this is  
Olivia Fontaine and Riley Finn. They're  
from the Secret Service.

Liv's eyes bug out. Riley nudges her back to  
reality.

CHARLIE  
She's secret service? What are you? 15?

LIV  
Almost sixteen.

RILEY  
She's in our undercover division.

LEO  
We have reports that the President's  
life is in danger from someone inside  
the white house. They will be posing as  
a teacher and student who will be  
following the President's every move for  
the rest of the week. No one, and I mean  
NO ONE is to know their real purpose  
here.

DEBBIE  
Not even the...

LEO  
Not even the President. I also want you  
to clear off his schedule this week.  
Only the stuff we cannot absolutely  
avoid.

DEBBIE  
What excuse should we...

LEO  
I don't know.

LIV  
Um.. Excuse me?

LEO  
Yes?

LIV  
I'm pretty good with computers. I could  
muck it up pretty good.

Leo smiles.

LEO  
This is a pretty expensive and secure  
piece of software Miss Fontaine...

LIV  
All I need is a magnet and some duct  
tape.

DEBBIE  
Does this mean I'll lose all my data and  
be without a computer for a week?

LIV  
Probably.

DEBBIE  
Oh, I like her. She's a keeper. Come  
with me sweetie.

Debbie ushers Liv out of the office like a mother  
hen.

CHARLIE  
Leo... Can you tell me anything?

LEO  
No. Just keep an eye on him. Anything  
weird, let these two know.

CHARLIE  
What about the detail...?

LEO  
I've talked to Ron, but no one else is  
to know. Got that?

Charlie nods but looks nervous.

RILEY  
Don't worry Mr. Young. Anything that  
happens to the President will have to  
come through me first.

CHARLIE  
I'm sorry, but that's still not a  
comforting thought.

LEO  
Charlie. I need you to keep your head in  
the game. I know how you feel about the  
old man. I've been with the guy forty  
years. I'm not going to let anything  
happen to him. Now before anything else  
happens, we need to get our cover story  
straight with CJ.

INT. WHITE HOUSE BRIEFING ROOM

CJ walks in for the morning briefing.

CJ  
Good morning everyone.

The press gives their typical "Good Morning CJ"  
response.

CJ  
Let me start off with the most obvious.  
For those of you wondering where the  
President's schedule is today... so am  
I. Due to what could best be described  
as bizarre computing accident, the  
server and any backups of the President's  
schedule for this week were complete  
erased.

WOMAN REPORTER  
Can you describe how it was erased?

CJ  
You're asking the wrong person. The IT  
guy tried to explain it to me in English  
but what it all boiled down to was "Bad juju.  
Much Magic."

MALE REPORTER  
So what are you doing about the  
schedule?

CJ  
For security sake we are canceling most  
of the President's personal and  
non-policy oriented appointments as we  
rebuild his calendar.

WOMAN REPORTER  
Does that include any talks with  
Congress regarding the cuts in military  
spending?

CJ  
No the President will be meeting with  
Senator Cole from the Armed Services  
committee regarding our recently  
announced plans.

Danny Concannon, the bane of CJ's existence,  
raises his hand. CJ sighs.

CJ  
Danny?

DANNY  
CJ, Can you tell us anything about some  
high school students who are  
interviewing staff members this week?

CJ flips through some papers on her podium.

CJ  
Yes they are Olivia Fontaine, Jody  
Framkin and Maya DuCoin. They are essay  
winners from St. Bufalari's High School. Olivia  
and her teacher will get to shadow the  
President this week, while the other two  
will interview staff members for their  
school newspaper.

DANNY  
Any reason why they get access to  
everyone and we don't?

CJ  
Yes. They're much cuter and don't ask  
annoying questions.

INT. TOBY'S OFFICE

Jordy sits in Toby's office alone. Toby walks in  
and spies Jordy and eyes him suspiciously.

TOBY  
Who the hell are you?

JORDY  
I'm no one of consequence. You?

TOBY  
Likewise. Get the hell out of my office.

Donna pops her head into the office.

DONNA  
Toby! There you are. This is Jordy  
Framkin.

TOBY  
We've met. What's he doing here?

DONNA  
He's interviewing you for his school  
newspaper.

Toby gives Donna a look of death, but Donna is  
pretty much used to it.

TOBY  
Really. Who put this together? Because  
you know, I'm only the White House  
communications director and this kind of  
thing is usually run by me.

DONNA  
Leo.

Toby scratches his head neurotically.

TOBY  
Uh-huh. Great. Wonderful. And he's here  
because?

DONNA  
He wrote an essay. Be nice.

Donna leaves. Toby sighs.

TOBY  
What was your essay topic?

JORDY  
The internal cover up of the President's  
medical condition and the affect on  
American society.

TOBY  
Really?

JORDY  
No. It was about how a bill becomes a  
law. I plagiarized it from School House  
Rock.

TOBY  
Really.

JORDY  
I wrote it in iambic pentameter.

TOBY  
Ah. I see. Are you trying to be funny?

JORDY  
Little bit.

TOBY  
It's not working.

Toby pulls out a cigar and removes the wrapper.

JORDY  
I'll work on it.

Toby sighs and lights up the cigar.

JORDY  
Should you be smoking in front of me?  
Isn't that a negative reinforcement of  
bad habits on today's youth?

Toby looks at Jordy and raises his eyebrows.

TOBY  
That must have been some essay.

INT. CJ'S OFFICE

CJ sits behind her desk, with Xander and Maya in  
the typical interview position.

CJ  
So you won a contest?

MAYA  
I wrote an essay.

CJ  
What was it on?

MAYA  
How the media represents women in  
politics.

CJ  
And how does the media portray women in  
politics?

MAYA  
Um... a little bitchy.

XANDER  
Ahh. Maya...

CJ laughs.

CJ  
That's okay. That's actually pretty  
accurate. I find that most of the press  
either casts us as either being power  
hungry or stupid.

MAYA  
Which are you?

XANDER  
Maya!

MAYA  
You don't mind do you? I'm actually just  
trying to embarrass him.

CJ  
Well you're doing a pretty good job.

CJ gives Xander a long hard look.

CJ  
(To Xander)  
I'm sorry, but have we met somewhere  
before?

XANDER  
Uh, it's possible. Unfortunately I am no  
longer good with faces.

They all share an uncomfortable laugh.

MAYA  
What did you do before becoming the  
press secretary for the White House?

CJ  
Well before this, I was the press  
secretary on the campaign and before  
that I did publicity out in California.

XANDER  
Oh, hey I'm from California. Where you  
from?

CJ  
LA. You?

XANDER  
Sunnydale.

CJ  
That would be the big hole in the  
ground, right?

XANDER  
Right.

CJ  
Never been there myself, but I did come  
close one time. I was up there near  
Oxnard for a bachelorette party and...

CJ looks at Xander. Both turn white as a ghost.

MAYA  
What? What happened?

CJ and Xander stand up quickly and start gathering  
their things.

CJ  
Uh.. gee.. Sorry, I just remembered I've  
got a... thing.

XANDER  
Right. No Problem. We've got a... thing  
too.

MAYA  
What thing?

XANDER  
(sotto)  
She's clean. Let's go.

Xander hustles Maya out the door.

MAYA  
What the hell happened in Oxnard?

XANDER  
Nothing. Nothing at all.

MAYA  
Are you a rotten liar. Spill it Harris.

XANDER  
Unh-uh. No way. No power on this earth.

INT. OVAL OFFICE

President Bartlet is signing a ton of paperwork as  
Debbie shuffles each page. They are a well  
organized team.

BARTLET  
Are you telling me that the entire  
schedule is gone?

DEBBIE  
Kaput. Except for Bertram Cole, he  
rescheduled and will not be denied.

BARTLET  
Cole. That Candy-Ass has the nerve to...  
never mind. Since my schedule is gone,  
does this mean I get to go home early? I  
haven't done that in twenty years. Abby  
might die of shock.

DEBBIE  
The First Lady is in Israel.

BARTLET  
Well then the shock isn't worth it.  
What's next?

DEBBIE  
Mr. Riley Finn and Miss Olivia Fontaine.

BARTLET  
What the hell do they want?

DEBBIE  
They want to bask in the glory that is  
you.

BARTLET  
That sarcasm?

DEBBIE  
Yes. Miss Fontaine won an essay contest  
at her school and now she and her  
teacher will be shadowing you for the  
rest of the week. So you better be on  
your best behavior.

BARTLET  
I guess this means I can't wear  
sweatpants to the office, watch ESPN and  
eat cheetos while they're here.

DEBBIE  
You never do that.

BARTLET  
I only do that when my schedule suddenly  
disappears. Anything I need to know  
about these people?

DEBBIE  
They're from some hack state up North.

BARTLET  
Which one?

DEBBIE  
New Hampshire.

BARTLET  
Well why didn't you say so!!

Bartlet pushes himself away from the unfinished  
paperwork and marches to the doorway.

BARTLET  
Charlie! Let these fine people from the  
great state of New Hampshire in here! We  
have many things to discuss and orate  
about!

DEBBIE  
Mr. President, we have some more...

BARTLET  
I'll finish it later. Citizens of my  
home state are here to visit!

Debbie sighs and picks all the paperwork as  
Charlie ushers in Riley and a very nervous Liv.

CHARLIE  
Mr. President, this is Riley Finn and  
Olivia Fontaine from Cape Kenneth, New  
Hampshire.

BARTLET  
Ahhh... Cape Kenneth! Beautiful little  
town. I went there for a couple of weeks on  
vacation when I was governor. Has it  
changed much?

Liv is frozen to the spot.

RILEY  
Ahh... no not at all sir. Still the same  
quiet little town.

BARTLET  
Good. Good. So you must be Olivia, what  
grade are you in?

LIV  
Eep.

RILEY  
uh.. she's a little nervous.

CHARLIE  
She's already thrown up twice in the  
outer office.

BARTLET  
Really? Would it help you to know that  
the White House and the Oval Office was  
designed to be intimidating to foreign  
heads of state? Why if I'm not mistaken  
the Dalai Llama once threw up in the  
mural room.

CHARLIE  
I thought he had the flu.

BARTLET  
Yes, but now Olivia knows that she and  
the Dali Llama have something in common.

Liv smiles nervously.

BARTLET  
There we go! Finally a sign of life.  
Sit! Sit! Tell me, where do you go to  
school, Olivia?

Riley and Liv sit down.

LIV  
Liv.

BARTLET  
I'm sorry?

LIV  
Everyone calls me Liv.

BARTLET  
Right.

LIV  
I go to St. Bufalari's.

BARTLET  
Saint? She's a saint now?

LIV  
I thought she was always a saint.

CHARLIE  
Who's a saint?

BARTLET  
Bufalari. Quite an odd bird Bufalari. Do  
you know what she is a saint of Mr.  
Finn?

Riley is caught off guard.

RILEY  
Uh... no.

BARTLET  
Pay attention Finn, there's going to be  
a pop quiz later.

Liv mutters something to quiet to be heard.

BARTLET  
I'm sorry dear, what did you say?

LIV  
She's the patron saint against demon  
possession.

Riley, Charlie and the President Bartlet are  
impressed.

BARTLET  
A+ for you Ms. Fontaine! Yes she was!  
St. Bufalari was an Augustinian nun at  
Amelia and the sister of Blessed John of  
Rieti...

Bartlet continues on his lecture. Charlie leans in  
and whispers to Riley.

CHARLIE  
You might want to take notes, he wasn't  
kidding about that pop quiz.

INT. BULLPEN

Josh Lyman is breezing through the hallway looking  
at three different types of documents, barely  
looking at where he is going.

JOSH  
DONNA!

Donna appears, as if by magic (but not really)  
right beside him.

DONNA  
No need to shout.

JOSH  
Don't sneak up on me like that.

DONNA  
I didn't sneak. I just was.

JOSH  
Well whatever it was don't do it again.

DONNA  
Fine.

JOSH  
Do you have a copy of the President's  
schedule?

DONNA  
No one has a copy of the President's  
schedule.

JOSH  
I know that. I want to know why.

DONNA  
It went whoosh.

JOSH  
Someone flushed it down the toilet?

DONNA  
It was erased from the system.

JOSH  
Erased.

DONNA  
Yes

JOSH  
From the system.

DONNA  
Again yes.

JOSH  
How?

DONNA  
I asked the IT guys.

JOSH  
And?

DONNA  
Whoosh.

JOSH  
I don't suppose anybody printed out the  
schedule? You know... for safety's sake?

DONNA  
You could suppose but you'd be wrong.  
Besides if we actually printed out the  
schedule it'd be the size of a telephone  
book.

JOSH  
(sarcastic)  
God I love computers.

DONNA  
By the way you're late for your  
interview.

JOSH  
What interview?

DONNA  
The interview with the essay winners  
from St. Bufalari's high school.

JOSH  
Why would I want to interview a high  
school student?

DONNA  
They're interviewing you.

JOSH  
Why do I want to be interviewed by them?

DONNA  
Because they're essay winners.

JOSH  
That's some prize.

DONNA  
One of them gets to shadow the President  
for the week.

JOSH  
What? You're kidding. Who put this thing  
together?

DONNA  
Leo.

JOSH  
Leo? Leo did this? Doesn't this seem  
weird to you?

DONNA  
If you think this is weird, you should  
see the kids doing the interviews.

JOSH  
Something's not right here.

DONNA  
Well I'm sure your giant head will  
somehow figure it out. In the meantime  
you need to be interviewed by the kids;  
here's the memo you wanted regarding the  
democratic party fundraiser and your  
mother called twice about Thanksgiving.

JOSH  
Twice?

DONNA  
Once to find out if your were coming and  
the second time to remind you that she  
lives in Florida now, not Connecticut.

JOSH  
(grumbling)  
You forget one time and they never  
forgive you.

DONNA  
They're waiting for you in your office.

JOSH  
Who?

DONNA  
The kids.

JOSH  
Right. Right.

INT. JOSH LYMAN'S OFFICE

Josh enters his office. Xander, Jordy and Maya are  
waiting for him.

JOSH  
Sorry I'm late. This whole calendaring  
snafu has thrown us into a tailspin. I'm  
Josh Lyman.

Josh shakes everybody's hands.

XANDER  
This is Jordy Framkin and Maya DuCoin.

JOSH  
And you are?

XANDER  
Xander Harris. I'm a guidance counselor.

Josh sits down, looking at the memo; checking his  
computer for e-mail and rummaging through his  
desk.

JOSH  
Nice to meet you. So you kids won a big  
essay contest, huh? What were your essay  
topics?

MAYA  
'Chauvinism in the White House: Why only  
one woman is on the Senior Staff.'

JORDY  
'Why Americans think Rush Limbaugh is  
right.'

Josh looks up from the memo he's reading and give  
the kids a nervous smile. Maya and Jordy squint at  
him with a look of intimidation. They smell fear.  
Josh laughs lightly.

JOSH

Those must have been some essays. DONNA!

MAYA  
So what exactly do you do here?

JOSH  
I'm the Deputy Chief of Staff. I manage  
our legislative agenda and shape  
domestic policy.

JORDY  
What exactly is a legislative agenda?

JOSH  
It's keeping track of the bills and  
resolutions on the floor of congress  
that we either want to have squashed or  
passed.

Donna enters the room and give Josh a glare.

DONNA  
What?

Josh hands her the memo

JOSH  
The fundraiser will serve dinner and  
drinks before nine?

DONNA  
Yes.

JOSH  
This says "serve diner and dinks before  
mimes". If that actually happens, I'll  
RSVP.

DONNA  
It was a typo.

JOSH  
No those were typos. Fix that,  
will you? Important people are going to  
be reading that.

Donna takes the memo and walks out.

MAYA  
So you manage congress?

JOSH  
Pretty much.

JORDY  
Doesn't that violate the checks and  
balances inherit in the system?

JOSH  
No.. It's not like that.

MAYA  
But if there's a bill you don't like,  
you have it squashed.

JOSH  
Sometimes before it reaches the floor.

JORDY  
And that doesn't violate the checks and  
balances inherit in the system?

Josh is a little on the intimidated side.

JOSH  
No... It's... It's just politics.

Maya and Jordy sigh simultaneously and make some  
copious notes.

MAYA  
(While writing)  
Seems to me you're interfering in the  
legislative process.

JOSH  
We're not interfering with the  
legislative process.

MAYA  
No, you're just ignoring the  
constitution.

Jordy and Maya look at each other and make copious  
notes.

JOSH  
(to Xander)  
What do you feed these kids?

Xander laughs.

XANDER  
I load them up with sugar and caffeine,  
tie them to a chair and force them to  
watch C-SPAN.  
(to Maya and Jordy)  
C'mon guys. Lighten up.

Maya and Jordy give Xander a look as though he's  
undermining the government. Difficult to describe how  
that looks exactly, but that's what it is

MAYA  
"Lighten up"?

JORDY  
Fine. So this "Deputy" thing. Does it  
come with a badge?

Josh laughs.

JOSH  
No. It's a just a title.

MAYA  
So the title isn't important?

Josh smiles and shrugs.

JOSH  
Chicks seem to dig it.

Maya gives Josh a fierce look.

MAYA  
Really? "Chicks", huh?! Do you think the  
League of Women voters would find it  
offensive that you refer to women as  
"chicks"?!

JOSH  
Oh come on!

Maya and Jordy look at each other, shake their  
heads and make more copious notes.

JOSH  
That was just a joke!  
(to Xander)  
Can you make them stop?

Jordy gives Josh a fierce look.

JORDY  
Oh... so now you want to stop the  
freedom of the press?!

Josh gives Xander a look of panic. Xander sighs.

XANDER  
If only I could.

INT. BULLPEN

Maya and Jordy exit with Xander following them.

MAYA  
That was fun.

JORDY  
You should have seen me with the bald  
guy. I actually made a vein in his  
forehead pulsate.

XANDER  
You pick up anything?

JORDY  
I swiped an ashtray with the  
presidential seal.

XANDER  
Anything demony?

JORDY  
No. You?

XANDER  
No.

JORDY  
That eliminates the Staff members who  
can approach the President by  
themselves.

MAYA  
What about that guy?

Xander peers into an office where Will Bailey is  
pounding away on his laptop surrounded by boxes of  
documents, about 20 different bicycles and  
campaign posters for Sam Seaborn. Will looks up  
at Xander.

WILL  
Can I help you?

Xander ignores the question moves the kids along

XANDER  
Yeah, he's harmless.

JORDY  
Great.

XANDER  
So now the only thing to do is to watch  
for outside threats.

Jordy stops and turns around.

XANDER  
What is it?

In front of Jordy is a desk where some papers have  
dropped onto the floor. Jordy frowns.

MAYA  
What's wrong?

JORDY  
Nothing. Just... thought I heard  
something.

INT. JOSH LYMAN'S OFFICE

Donna enters and sees Josh who is completely wiped  
out.

DONNA  
You okay?

JOSH  
Those kids were brutal! It was like  
being torn apart by pit bulls!

DONNA  
You should have seen Toby when that boy  
with the hair was done with him.

JOSH  
They interviewed Toby too?

DONNA  
And CJ. Something must have happened  
between CJ and that teacher. They've  
been trying to avoid each other ever  
since.

JOSH  
What teacher?

DONNA  
That Harris guy. The one who was in  
here.

JOSH  
He said he was a guidance counselor.

DONNA  
That's weird.

JOSH  
Something's not right about these guys.

DONNA  
Maybe it's because you called the League  
of Women Voters a bunch of chicks.

Donna hands Josh a couple sheets of paper.

JOSH  
I didn't call the.... never mind. What's  
this?

DONNA  
The make-do schedule we have available.

JOSH  
Great. They cancel everything else but  
Bertram Cole from the Senate Armed  
Forces Committee.

DONNA  
Who's he?

JOSH  
The devil himself.

INT. SENATOR COLE'S OFFICE

An Aide is talking with a secretary on the phone.

AIDE  
Did you confirm?

SECRETARY  
Yes. He has a meeting with the President  
at 7:00.

AIDE  
Check to make sure their agenda matches  
ours and that they expect Senator Cole's  
staff to come along.

SECRETARY  
Right.

The Aide walks back to two giant doors and knocks.

AIDE  
Senator Cole? Senator Cole?

INT. SENATOR COLE'S OFFICE

It's pitch black in the office. We hear only the  
sound of Senator Cole's voice

SENATOR COLE  
What is it Ally?

AIDE  
(OS)  
We've confirmed your meeting with the  
President at seven.

As we pull up to the Senator's desk we see a large  
ugly demon working on a realistic latex mask. The  
demon smiles a toothy grin.

SENATOR COLE  
Excellent.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. CJ'S OFFICE - EVENING

CJ walks into her office and sees Danny sitting at  
her desk with his feet up.

CJ  
Get out of my chair Danny.

Danny gets out of her chair with a smile. This is  
an old game for them.

DANNY  
So those kids doing the interviews,  
they're from St. Bufalari's right?

CJ  
Yes. Why?

DANNY  
Checked them out.

CJ  
Is it a slow news day Danny? Because the  
rest of the country seems to be  
interested in military spending.

DANNY  
Found out some interesting things.

CJ  
What? Another Conspiracy? Don't tell  
me... they never went to St. Bufalari's.

DANNY  
Oh they go there. Only thing is these  
kids aren't on the school newspaper.

CJ  
How do you know that?

DANNY  
There is no school newspaper. Just as  
there is no teacher named Riley Finn or  
Alexander Harris working at the school  
and for the big finale... no essay  
contest at the city, county, state or  
national level that would give them  
access to the White House, the senior  
staff and the President.

CJ  
You're just a little bit jealous, aren't  
you?

DANNY  
It was a slow news day.

CJ  
Right. So why are they here?

DANNY  
That's what I'm asking.

CJ gives Danny a troubled look. Danny smiles and  
walks toward the door.

DANNY  
You'll look into it?

CJ  
I'll look into it.

Josh walks into CJ's office.

JOSH  
Hey Danny.

DANNY  
Josh.

Danny leaves.

JOSH  
Hey.

CJ  
Hey.

JOSH  
There's this rumor going around the  
office about you going to this place in  
Oxnard. You know anything about it?

CJ  
Josh, there is no power on this earth  
that is going to make me tell you that  
story.

CJ suddenly gives Josh a steely glare.

CJ  
What have you heard?

JOSH  
Not much. Just you. Oxnard. Some sort of  
bachelorette party... Are you sure you  
don't want to share this with me?

CJ  
No power on this earth!

JOSH  
Fine. What do you know about these kids?

CJ  
The high school kids?

JOSH  
Yeah... these two brats cornered me in  
my office and beat the crap out of me.

CJ  
Those kids beat the crap out of you?

JOSH  
They weren't mean to you?

CJ  
I just had the girl.

JOSH  
What do you know about them?

CJ  
Well Danny just told me that there is no  
school newspaper, that the teachers  
aren't really teachers and that there  
wasn't a contest.

JOSH  
So there were no essays?

CJ rolls her eyes at Josh's silly question.

CJ  
That I haven't confirmed.  
(going nuts)  
JOSH! OF COURSE THERE WASN'T ANY  
ESSAYS!!

JOSH  
Don't yell at me. Who put this together?

Toby walks in.

TOBY  
Hey what do you know anything about the  
kid with bad hair interviewing the  
senior staff?

JOSH  
It's more than just a kid.

TOBY  
There's more of those... things?

JOSH  
There are kids... plural as in three,  
two adults and one of the kids is following  
the President around all week.

TOBY  
What?

CJ  
Not only that, but their story doesn't  
check out.

TOBY  
You mean the story you told the press  
this morning.

CJ  
That would be the one.

TOBY  
And you got this story from?

CJ  
Leo.

JOSH  
Something doesn't add up.

TOBY  
That's great Spanky, but I think the  
rest of the little rascals are way ahead  
of you on this one.

JOSH  
Why is everyone being mean to me today?

TOBY  
Who's being mean?

JOSH  
You are.

TOBY  
This isn't mean. This is me being  
pleasant. What's your problem?

CJ  
Josh got beat up by the kids in his  
interview.

TOBY  
You mean to tell me that the  
Katzenjammer twins beat you up in the  
interview?

JOSH  
Shouldn't we be talking to Leo?

Toby scratches his head and nods.

TOBY  
We should be talking to Leo.

Toby walks to the door as CJ and Josh follow him.

CJ  
Were they really that bad to you?

JOSH  
I'll give you the details if you tell me  
about Oxnard.

TOBY  
Oxnard? What the hell is this about  
Oxnard?

CJ  
No power on this earth!

INT. WHITE HOUSE ENTRANCE

Maya is collapsed on the couch. Xander and Jordy  
are keeping an eye on the security checkpoint.

MAYA  
We've checked the kitchen, the  
commissary, the mural room the map room,  
the steam trunk distribution venue...

XANDER  
I know. We've seen it all. Just keep an  
eye peeled.

MAYA  
Yeah, well the only thing my eyes are  
going to see are the back of my eyelids.

Jordy is looking off in the distance.

XANDER  
Jordy? What is it?

Jordy shakes his head.

JORDY  
I don't know. I think I'm coming down  
with something. I keep hearing and  
smelling things that aren't there.

MAYA  
Maybe it's Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

XANDER  
Nah, I saw him upstairs and he's just  
interested in watching American Idol.

Maya gives him a look.

MAYA  
You're kidding right?

Xander just smiles but stops as he "sees"  
something going on at the checkpoint.

XANDER  
What's going on over there?

Senator Cole is going through the checkpoint with  
his staff.

MAYA  
I think that's the guy who finagled an  
appointment with the President.

XANDER  
Senator Cole?

MAYA  
That's him.

XANDER  
From the Armed Services Committee?

MAYA  
That's him.

XANDER  
That governs military spending.

Jordy is looking at Senator Cole with keen  
interest. He nods.

JORDY  
That's him.

MAYA  
That's him as in...

JORDY  
He's not human.

XANDER  
Let's go.

Xander starts down the hallway with Jordy and Maya  
following him.

MAYA  
Xander? Cane?

XANDER  
Oh. Right.

Xander unfolds his cane and taps like a normal  
blind person.

JORDY  
So what's the plan?

XANDER  
Um...

MAYA  
We have no plan.

XANDER  
I'd just thought we'd grab him.

MAYA  
Because that's a sure way not to attract  
any attention.

XANDER  
Then we just have to get to the Oval  
office first and warn Liv and Riley.

JORDY  
And if they beat us?

Xander pulls out his cell/pda.

XANDER  
I do have a backup plan.  
(into cell)  
Moose to Peabody. Come in Mr. Peabody.

INT. LEO'S OFFICE

Leo comes into his office to find Josh, Toby and  
CJ waiting for him.

LEO  
You guys just look like you drank coffee  
laced with Drano.

TOBY  
Newsflash. The coffee around here is  
Drano.

LEO  
That explains a lot.

CJ  
You know what I'd liked to have  
explained? Why three kids and two adults  
are running around with a fake story  
about winning a contest.

JOSH  
And getting to hang out with the senior  
staff and the President.

Leo looks them over, gets up and closes the door  
to his office.

LEO  
You know?

TOBY  
We know the essay contest was fake. We  
know you lied to us. It's not the first  
time, but I thought you were over that.

LEO  
Who else knows?

JOSH  
Donna suspects.

CJ  
Danny knows.

LEO  
Danny? Danny knows?

CJ  
It's a slow news day.

TOBY  
Which it won't be if the press finds out  
we've lied to them! Again! You want to  
tell us what the hell is going on Leo?

Leo sighs and sits down at the desk.

LEO  
Ok. But you won't believe it.

TOBY  
Try me.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE

Xander, Jordy and Maya rush up to the entrance in  
time to see Senator Cole and his team enter the  
Oval Office through the Outer Oval office where  
Debbie and Charlie work.

JORDY  
We're too late!

XANDER  
No. It's okay.

MAYA  
Hello! Demon! Oval Office! Bad! Very  
Very Bad!

XANDER  
No. It should be all right. In my vision  
the President was alone when he was  
attacked. There's a whole bunch of  
staffers going in with that guy. As long  
as they stay in there, he should be  
safe.

JORDY  
Uh... Xander?

Jordy points to the Oval Office entrance. The  
entire staff who came in with the Senator has come  
out of the office, including Liv and Riley. Xander  
and crew rush into the outer office. (The  
Senator's staff has left to go elsewhere)

INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE

XANDER  
What are you doing?

RILEY  
The President asked to speak with the  
Senator alone and since...

XANDER  
The senator's a demon!

RILEY  
What?

Xander pulls out and yells into the phone.

XANDER  
Moose to Peabody! Now! Now!

Jordy wolfs out as Liv kicks the door open.

INT. LEO'S OFFICE

Josh, CJ and Toby sit at Leo looking  
flabbergasted.

TOBY  
You're kidding me right?

JOSH  
Leo, be straight with me. You're not  
drinking again are you?

LEO  
No. I'm not kidding and I'm not  
drinking. Although after today I'm not  
so sure a drink would be a bad idea.

CJ  
Are you telling me that there is a....

Shouts are heard from the other room

TOBY  
What the hell?

Everyone rushes to the door and opens the Oval  
office door to find...

INT. OVAL OFFICE

Everyone rushes into the room to find Spike  
(vamped out) holding the Senator up in the air  
with one hand. Riley has one of his shock guns  
pointed at the Senator. Liv and Jordy have jumped  
on top of the president. Xander and Maya are  
holding the doors to the office shut from the  
Secret Service.

BARTLET  
What the hell is going on here?!

SPIKE  
Oh, just saving your life mate!

Secret Service begin running into the room. Leo  
heads them off.

LEO  
Back off gentlemen! The president is in  
no danger.

BARTLET  
Somebody please tell me why I have two  
kids sitting on my chest?

CJ  
What are you doing to the Senator?!

SPIKE  
This is no Senator, luv.

Spike rips off the mask revealing the demon's  
face. Everyone gets dead quiet.

JOSH  
Why do I feel like I'm on an episode of  
Scooby Doo?

TOBY  
Senator Cole is a monster?

CJ  
But he's a democrat!

SENATOR COLE  
Put me down!

SPIKE  
Don't think so mate.

Bartlet is finally able to distangle himself from  
Liv and Jordy.

BARTLET  
Leo? Is there something you need to tell  
me?

Leo sighs.

LEO  
Somebody get General MacNamara up here.

Spike lights up a cigarette with one hand.

RILEY  
Spike, there's no smoking in the White  
House.

BARTLET  
With all due respect young man, shut the  
hell up.  
(to Spike)  
Can I bum one of those off you?

INT. OVAL OFFICE - LATER

Bartlet is sitting behind the big desk. Everyone  
else from the preceding scene, plus the general,  
is scattered around the room. Spike is keeping an  
eye on the Senator. Bartlet looks like he's about  
to blow a gasket.

BARTLET  
That's the most preposterous thing I've  
ever heard!!

GEN. MACNAMARA  
Mr. President...

BARTLET  
Hank, I've known you for a long time,  
but what exactly have you been smoking?

XANDER  
It's true sir.

BARTLET  
Who the hell are you?

XANDER  
Xander Harris, sir. I'm a watcher.

BARTLET  
Would you mind telling me how a blind  
man can watch anything?

XANDER  
It's a title. Liv is a Slayer. I'm kind  
of a... counselor for her.

BARTLET  
What the hell is a slayer?

LIV  
That would be me.

BARTLET  
And what are you exactly?

LIV  
A girl with super powers who is destined  
to fight evil.

BARTLET  
This is a joke right? A little girl with  
super powers?

RILEY  
This is not a joke sir.

BARTLET  
Are you still from New Hampshire?

LIV  
Yes sir.

BARTLET  
Well it can't be all bad.

ANGLE ON: TOBY AND JORDY SITTING OFF TO THE SIDE

The President is still arguing with the rest of  
the staff/Xander. Toby leans nervously towards  
Jordy. Spike is nearby smoking a cigarette.

TOBY  
(To Jordy)  
So you... You're a werewolf.

JORDY  
Yep.

TOBY  
With the "grr", the fur and the whole  
full moon thing?

JORDY  
I've got a therapy program that keeps it  
in check.

TOBY  
Therapy program. Of course. Did somebody  
tell Lon Chaney?

JORDY  
Who's Lon Chaney?

TOBY  
You're a werewolf and you don't know who  
Lon Chaney is?

SPIKE  
Kids. No respect for history.

TOBY  
Tell me about it. What are you supposed  
to be?

SPIKE  
Vampire. But I've got a soul.

TOBY  
Oh. I see. And that makes it all better  
then doesn't it?

SPIKE  
For the most part. And if it eases your  
mind, Bela took his cues from me.

TOBY  
Really? Is.. is that supposed to be  
comforting?

ANGLE ON: THE PRESIDENT

BARTLET  
How can Bertram be a demon?! He and I go  
to the same church every Sunday. He may  
be a total pain in the ass, but his  
heart is in the right place! No offense  
Bertram.

SENATOR COLE  
None taken, Mr. President.

XANDER  
Mr. President, he could be a demon who  
took the Senator's place.

SENATOR COLE  
Young Man, just because I'm not human  
does not mean I can't love this country  
just as much as you. That very argument  
is prejudicial, something that I've  
fought very hard against my entire  
sixteen years in office.

MAYA  
Demons can be catholic?

SENATOR COLE  
Reformed demons can, thank you very  
much.  
(To Spike)  
You should know something about that,  
now wouldn't you? Plus you think I'm the  
only one out there in congress? All  
demons lust for power... Congress is the  
place for it.

JOSH  
There are more demons in congress? Can  
you supply me with a list?

Everyone looks at Josh as though he's nuts.

JOSH  
What? I shouldn't take advantage of  
this?

CJ  
This has got to be the most bizarre  
evening I've ever had.

JOSH  
More bizarre than Oxnard?

CJ  
No power on this earth!

BARTLET  
Okay. Okay. I've had enough talk about  
visions, vampires, demons and little  
girls with super powers. I understand  
you all wanted to protect me, but what  
you people fail to realize is that this  
office is bigger than just one man.  
Believe me, if I die in office, we've  
got a whole backup plan ready.

SPIKE  
What plan is that?

JOSH  
The constitution.

SPIKE  
Oh. That rag.

BARTLET  
So if you don't mind, I'd like my little  
world to get back to normal. While I  
appreciate all the help of the  
supernatural, I'd rather do without it.  
And if I die, then I don't have to deal  
with the cover up.

LEO  
Mr. President...

BARTLET  
Look. It's late. I'm tired and I'm just  
one step away from chucking this gig to  
the vice president because I've had all  
the supernatural crap I can take for one  
day. So let's leave it at this ladies  
and gentlemen. By executive order, this  
day has never happened. What happened  
here in this office will not be told to  
a living soul. If any of the fifteen  
people in this office...

XANDER  
Uh... sixteen.

BARTLET  
What?

XANDER  
Sixteen people are in this office.

BARTLET  
I think I know how to count young man.

JOSH  
I count only fifteen people.

Jordy looks over at the office door and notices it  
is ajar. He begins looking around the room.  
Looking down he sees two footprints standing in  
the carpet.

JORDY  
No... he's right. Someone else is in  
here.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. OVAL OFFICE

BARTLET  
Young man, there's no one else in here.

JORDY  
No... There's one more.

SPIKE  
Are you daft?

Suddenly a letter opener jumps from the desk and  
starts floating in midair, right by Bartlet.

RILEY  
Knife!

Riley jumps in between the President and the  
knife. Jordy tackles the president to the ground.  
Riley gets stabbed in the shoulder and is then  
thrown against the wall by an invisible force.  
Spike rushes forward but is punched in the face  
and knocked to the ground.

XANDER  
Liv! She's going to the President!

GEN. MACNAMARA  
She?

Liv moves in front of the President, but promptly  
gets decked.

TOBY  
What the hell is going on here?

Xander runs to Riley and grabs his "shock gun" and  
fires it. A vague female form is seen as the  
General pulls out his side arm and aims at it.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
Shoot her again!

Xander fires again and as the form appears. The  
general fires one shot and a female body suddenly  
appears and falls to the ground, shot through the  
head. The general shakes his head and drops his  
gun.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
Oh sweet Jesus. Marcy.

LEO  
Where the hell did she come from?

MAYA  
She was invisible.

LEO  
Yeah, I kinda got that part.

RILEY  
General?

GEN. MACNAMARA  
She was in one of our programs. She was  
a specially trained assassin. Covert  
jobs. I didn't think...

The General's voice trails off.

JOSH  
Wait... So we've had the wolfman,  
Dracula and the invisible woman show up?  
Can we just have Frankenstein here so  
all my favorite monsters can be here  
tonight?

CJ  
General, what did you do to that poor  
girl?

GEN. MACNAMARA  
She was already that way when we found  
her.

XANDER  
She's from Sunnydale, isn't she?

The general nods his head.

RILEY  
You knew her?

XANDER  
She... It's a long story.

SPIKE  
Wait, is that the bird you and your  
friends all ignored so she just  
disappeared?

XANDER  
Yeah, well that's the short version.

CJ  
Okay... if we can just skip over the  
whole invisible woman thing, what the  
hell was she doing attacking the  
president?

XANDER  
Government cuts. Am I right General?

GEN. MACNAMARA  
I... I got a report from her division  
head. Apparently with the President's  
directive to cut costs she took it upon  
herself...

BARTLET  
My God. Are you kidding me? She came  
after me because of budget cuts?

TOBY  
Sure as hell explains why a hammer costs  
$200 dollars.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
We had grounded her three years ago  
after a bad mission. Too unstable. When  
the rumors started that her division  
would be cut...

BARTLET  
Jesus God.

SENATOR COLE  
I told you these cuts were a bad idea.

BARTLET  
Shut up Bertram.

Bartlet shakes his head.

BARTLET  
All right. I've had enough of this for  
the evening. General, you've done so  
well at keeping this whole supernatural  
division a secret I expect that you can  
handle the removal and internment of one  
dead assassin.

GEN. MACNAMARA  
Yes sir.

Bartlet turns to his staff as Riley and the  
General confer.

BARTLET  
You people go home. Forget this ever  
happened. If you can... drink as much as  
possible.

JOSH  
You don't have to tell me twice.

Toby, CJ and Josh head toward the door and leave.

Bartlet turns toward Xander, Spike and the Odd  
squad.

BARTLET  
As for you guys, a grateful but  
disgruntled President thanks you for  
your very weird service to me and this  
country. What do you want from us to  
keep quiet?

XANDER  
Sir, it was just an honor...

Spike interrupts.

SPIKE  
I could use a pardon for the several  
thousand people I killed when I was a  
soulless vampire.

Everyone gives Spike a weird look.

SPIKE  
What?

Everyone shakes their head at Spike.

JORDY  
How about more of those cool key chains?

BARTLET  
You're kidding me, right?

MAYA  
You'll keep a national secret for key  
chains?

JORDY  
It's not like anyone will believe us.

MAYA  
Good point. I'll take the keychains too.

BARTLET  
Fine. It's a deal.

XANDER  
Thank you Mr. President.

BARTLET  
Thank you. Now get the hell out.

The gang starts to file out. Xander shakes hands  
with Riley.

RILEY  
It was good seeing you again.

XANDER  
Same here.

Awkward pause ensues.

XANDER  
You know what I mean.

Riley smiles.

RILEY  
Keep assface over there in line would  
you?

SPIKE  
Stick in your ear, Finn.

Liv approaches the President.

LIV  
Mr. President?

BARTLET  
Yes, Olivia. I mean... Liv.

Liv extends her hand.

LIV  
Circumstances withstanding, it was an  
honor to meet you.

Bartlet shakes her hand.

BARTLET  
My dear, if half that supernatural crap  
they told me is true... then you have a  
very large burden on your shoulders and  
quite frankly it's the first time I've  
ever met someone else whose job I don't  
envy.

Liv smiles.

BARTLET  
If fate of the world rests in your  
hands... well I can't think of a better  
person to take care of it.

LIV  
Likewise sir. Must be a New Hampshire  
thing.

Liv walks out of the office with the rest of the  
group.

BARTLET  
Hear that Leo? That little girl thinks  
we can save the world?

LEO  
Yeah. Know what I think?

BARTLET  
What?

LEO  
We're doomed.

BARTLET  
And on that note, I'm going to bed. Make  
sure someone cleans up that mess.

LEO  
You going to tell Abby about this?

BARTLET  
Leo... nobody talks about this ever. Get  
my drift?

LEO  
Yes sir. Just wanted to make sure she  
didn't think you were going off the deep  
end.

BARTLET  
I took that leap when I let you convince  
me to run for this job. I tell 'ya Leo,  
when I think about all the work you did  
getting me elected all the crap we went  
through to get where we are today...

LEO  
Yeah, yeah, yea... You could beat my  
head in with a baseball bat.

BARTLET  
Yeah, that about sums it up.

Both men walk out the door together.

INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE.

XANDER  
Come on guys. Let's go home.

JORDY  
Guys, let's take a moment. We just saved  
the President's life.

Liv rolls her eyes and smacks Jordy upside the  
head.

LIV  
And got paid in key chains.

JORDY  
Okay... Moment over.

MAYA  
Let's get out of here. This place is  
freaking me out.

LIV  
Yeah, I'd rather be back home.

JORDY  
On the hellmouth.

MAYA  
Fighting for our lives against the  
forces of evil.

SPIKE  
Beats hanging out with politicians.

MAYA  
I hear that.

The gang heads off as Xander is about to follow  
them...

CJ  
(OS - Sotto)  
Mr. Harris!

Xander turns to "see" CJ hanging out down the  
hallway. They meet halfway in between. Both are  
very uncomfortable.

XANDER  
Ms. Cregg...

CJ  
Regarding that night...

XANDER  
Yeah.. uh...

CJ  
Right... see... um...

XANDER  
Maybe...

CJ  
Things better left unsaid...

XANDER  
Oh God yes.

CJ  
So... if anyone asks...

XANDER  
No power on this earth. Believe me.

CJ  
Because...

XANDER  
No power on this earth.

CJ  
Right. Gotcha. Nice... uh... seeing  
you... um... no offense, but if we ever  
happen to see each other walking down  
the street someday....

XANDER  
We both agree to run away screaming.

CJ  
Great. Let's never do this again.

XANDER  
Have no problem with that... um do you  
still have that tattoo....

CJ glares at him.

CJ  
What did we just say?!

GO TO BLACK.

XANDER(VO)  
Um. Right. Never mind.

END ACT IV


	5. Crossroads

TEASER  
INT. THE HUT IN AFRICA  
A small clay urn sits in the middle of an arcane diagram  
scrawled on the floor. The Vizier walks around the diagram, chanting his chant  
and occasionally throwing what looks like dirt into the middle of the circle.  
Several figures, dressed in black ceremonial robes, stand silently around the  
circle watching the Vizier.

VIZIER  
Vetus parentes, audite meus vox! Intus  
is vas lies a porta quod must exsisto  
patefacio. Solvo vinculum ut seperates  
nostrum universitas per unus ultra quod  
permissum atrum unus per!

Black smoke issues from the pot. The smoke slowly  
takes the form of a very large and cloaked figure.  
All the other smaller cloaked figures bow down  
before him.

CLOAKED FIGURE  
You have done well Vizier. There are few  
who are able to free me from this  
prison.

VIZIER  
You spend 900 years in a hell dimension,  
you pick up a few tricks. Now there is  
the matter of payment for my services...

CLOAKED FIGURE  
Your services were paid in full when I  
showed you the way back to this  
dimension.

VIZIER  
Look... the deal was that I get you out  
of the little pot, and then you would  
help me get back at...

Tendrils shoot out from within cloaked figure and  
grab the Vizier by the throat, raising him up in  
the air..

CLOAKED FIGURE  
Your petty vengeance means nothing to  
me.. There is only one person on this  
planet who I care enough to vanquish,  
and he shall be your only concern.

VIZIER  
(choking)  
And who would that be?

VOICE(OS)  
Xander Harris...

INT. DEMON BAR

Xander sits in a booth of a demon bar he turns and  
"sees"...

WHISTLER  
...the blind man who sees everything.

Xander grimaces.

XANDER  
Yeah. Thanks for pointing out the irony.

END TEASER

 

ACT I

INT. DEMON BAR

Whistler sits down in a booth across from Xander.  
He's carrying two shot glasses and a large pint of  
beer.

WHISTLER  
Kind of dangerous to be hanging out  
here, don't you think?

XANDER  
I can usually scope out trouble before  
it hits me.

WHISTLER  
That foresight thing can be pretty  
handy.

XANDER  
But it doesn't tell me everything I need  
to know now, does it? I understand  
you're the go-to-guy for information.

WHISTLER  
Depends on what you're looking for.

XANDER  
I'm trying to track down an old...  
friend.

WHISTLER  
Kind of using that term a little loosely  
aren't you?

XANDER  
Yeah... well I'm just being polite.

Whistler downs a shot and takes a sip of beer.

WHISTLER  
You know the ritual don't you?

XANDER  
The ritual I got. I just need the  
location.

Whistler plays with his shot glass.

WHISTLER  
You trust this guy? He's a bit of a  
trickster.

XANDER  
It's not a matter of trust. He... It...  
whatever that thing is... it owes me. So  
you going to tell me where to go, or  
shall I hit mapquest?

WHISTLER  
A wise man once said... It's all about  
the journey.

XANDER  
Uh-huh. So am I taking a left or a right  
once I hit the end of that fortune  
cookie wisdom?

WHISTLER  
Just don't add "in-bed" to everything I  
say, and we should get along fine.

Whistler grins and drinks his remaining shot in  
one gulp. Xander doesn't smile. Whistler shakes  
his head.

WHISTLER  
You're looking for a crossroads.

XANDER  
Where?

WHISTLER  
You know that's not how it works.  
There's no shortcuts. There's no  
directions. Just the path you walk.

XANDER  
So am I looking for the crossroads in  
that movie with Ralph Macchio or the one  
in that song by Eric Clapton?

Whistler shakes his head.

WHISTLER  
The crossroads has always been a place  
of an ancient kind of magic dating back...  
well dating back well before I came  
around. And I've been around for a while.  
What that magic is used for can either  
be for good or evil.

XANDER  
Aren't we a fountain of melodrama? I'm  
not interested in magic. I'm just  
looking for.... him.

WHISTLER  
Hmm. I can't tell you the destination.  
Just that you've already started your  
journey and that you're not going to be  
happy with what you find.

XANDER  
Gee what a shockster that is.

Xander shakes his head; gets up and starts to walk  
away.

WHISTLER  
Harris.

Xander turns back to Whistler.

WHISTLER  
Big things are coming down the pike. You  
should prepare yourself for some tough  
choices that will be presented to you.

Xander nods, turns and walks away...

XANDER  
... In bed.

Xander pushes open the door to the bar as we...

CUT TO:

 

EXT. A BROKEN DOWN BAR SOMEPLACE IN AFRICA

TITLE: Somewhere in Africa- September 2003

Xander is thrown through the air from the entrance  
of the bar where he lands on a dusty road of a  
small African town. He is dressed for adventure  
and is wearing his old eye patch.

Xander stands up and dusts himself off. He looks  
back at the bar.

XANDER  
What'd I say?!

A book flies out of the entrance and hits Xander  
right in the good eye. Xander falls to ground  
holding his face.

XANDER  
Ow! Hey! Not the eye! Jeez!

He picks up the book which is a English to Bantu  
phrasebook. Xander stands up and shakes the book  
in the air.

XANDER  
I'll have you know this was the best  
book they had on Amazon.com!

VOICE(OS)  
Perhaps this internet thing is not all  
that it is cracked up to be.

Xander turns to see the Igqhira from the previous  
episode. He is dressed in traditional garb and is  
giving Xander the hairy eyeball.

XANDER  
You understand English?

IGQHIRA  
No. Not at all. I don't understand a  
word you're saying. This is Star Trek  
and I have a universal language decoder  
that makes it seem like we are talking  
the same language.

Xander gives Igqhira a look of bewilderment. The  
Igqhira rolls his eyes.

IGQHIRA  
Yes. I understand English. That was  
sarcasm. You do understand sarcasm,  
don't you?

XANDER  
Uh.. yes.. maybe you can help me...

Xander pulls out a wrinkled piece of paper.

XANDER  
I'm looking for a T'Challa Fatu Fofanau.

IGQHIRA  
And who exactly are you?

XANDER  
I am Xander Harris. Exactly.

IGQHIRA  
And why should I take you to T'Challa  
Fatu Fofanau?

XANDER  
I work for an advance group for the  
peace corps. It's our job to screen  
remote villages for medical and  
engineering assistance. He's supposed to  
help me locate some remote sites where  
we can work.

IGQHIRA  
Ooooh... You're full of crap. You know  
that, right?

XANDER  
What?

IGQHIRA  
Drop the act. What do you want?

XANDER  
I'm... I'm with the Watcher's coun...

The Igqhira spits on the ground and walks away  
from Xander. Xander scrambles to keep up.

IGQHIRA  
I have no interest in serving your  
'council'.

XANDER  
Wait... you're..?

IGQHIRA  
I am the one you seek.

XANDER  
Okay.. but... see there's a slayer  
someplace around here and the council  
needs your help locating her.

The Igqhira turns quickly and faces Xander with a  
venomous look.

 

IGQHIRA  
Really. How interesting. Now they want  
our help. Years ago the shadow men left  
this world. The real watchers. My  
ancestors. The British came in with  
their arrogance and their books and  
patronizing ways. They took away our charge,  
telling us we were not suited to handle  
his responsibility. Our people who had  
handled this "responsibility" for over a  
thousand years before you and your  
council came along. So do you really think  
that by walking into town and waving the  
words "Watcher", "Council" and "Slayer" around is  
really going to impress me?

XANDER  
Well... not now.

The Igqhira turns to walk away.

XANDER  
Look... the council used to be run by  
those guys, but it's different now.

IGQHIRA  
Why? Who runs it now? Americans?

XANDER  
Uh... some of them.

The Igqhira just glares at Xander

XANDER  
That doesn't improve your opinion of us,  
does it?

IGQHIRA  
No.

The Igqhira walks away again. Xander follows him  
like a puppy

XANDER  
Wait! Um... You actually know the guy  
who runs the council now. An old friend  
of yours.

IGQHIRA  
And who would that be?

XANDER  
Rupert Giles. You went to Oxford with  
him.

The Igqhira stops again and looks at Xander with a  
wary look. The Igqhira is trying to place the  
name.

IGQHIRA  
Rupert Giles? Rupert...? You mean  
Ripper?

XANDER  
Yes! Ripper!

IGQHIRA  
The demon worshiper?

XANDER  
Yes!

The Igqhira shakes his head and walks away even  
faster.

XANDER  
Wait! I mean no! At least not any more.

IGQHIRA  
The Rupert Giles I know was a strung out  
bassist and a practioner of the black  
arts. The man dropped out of the  
university to become a grocer! This is  
the man who leads the council?

Xander grabs Igqhira's arm.

XANDER  
The Giles I know learned from his  
mistakes, was fired from the council  
because he broke too many rules trying  
to protect his slayer. The Giles I know  
sent me here to find a girl who's about  
to be demon kibble if we don't find her  
soon. He also thought you might give a  
damn.

IGQHIRA  
I will not be a party to the council's  
agenda. This is not the first time the  
council has come to my country to steal  
a young child from her family then let  
her die at the hands of monsters. I  
won't be a party to it.

XANDER  
Things are different now. There isn't  
just one slayer... there's many. Do you  
know how many demons would like to get a  
part of her? This isn't about taking a  
child away. It's about making sure  
she's trained to protect herself. That's  
why I'm here.

IGQHIRA  
So... you're telling me that you came  
all this way from your blessed U.S. of A  
just to protect this girl? Why did they  
send you?

XANDER  
I volunteered.

IGQHIRA  
Why?

XANDER  
Well you know... Africa. It's a dry heat  
and...

The Igqhira shoots a look of "cut the crap" to  
Xander. Xander hangs his head.

XANDER  
I've never been anywhere outside my  
hometown except for a summer job at a  
strip club thirty miles from home. When  
my home became a giant hole in the  
ground and my friends took off for parts  
well known... I took the country less  
traveled. I've... I've got nowhere else  
to go.

Igqhira gives Xander a look that is a mixture of  
pity and acceptance.

IGQHIRA  
What are you exactly? A martial arts  
expert? A warlock? An occultist?

XANDER  
No, I'm a.... a carpenter.

Igqhira nods.

IGQHIRA  
Great.

Igqhira walks off.

IGQHIRA  
We're doomed.

Xander runs to catch up.

XANDER  
Hey! Wait up!

LIV(VO)  
Wait up!

EXT. DEMON BAR - PRESENT

Xander is walking away from the bar. Liv is  
dressed in her standard patrol gear (fatigues and  
kevlar) trying to catch up to him. Xander stops  
and turns to her.

XANDER  
Aren't you supposed to be on patrol?

LIV  
I am patrolling.  
(Points to bar)  
Demon bar...  
(Points to herself)  
Demon killer... See how that works?

XANDER  
You're trailing me aren't you?

LIV  
Yep.

XANDER  
I thought I told you I didn't need any  
help with this.

LIV  
You did.

XANDER  
I told you to go on patrol with Jordy.

LIV  
You did.

XANDER  
So why are you here?

LIV  
I was ordered to.

XANDER  
And whose orders supersedes your  
watcher?

LIV  
My mommy.

XANDER  
Ah.

LIV  
Who, by the way is very worried about  
you.

XANDER  
You know... when I was out hanging with  
Buffy, we never disobeyed Giles.

Liv rolls her eyes in disbelief.

LIV  
Yeah. Whatever. Where we going?

XANDER  
"We" aren't going anywhere. You're going  
on patrol while I do my... thing.

LIV  
Sorry. Mommy's orders. Your thing is now  
officially my thing.

XANDER  
You're just saying "mommy" because it  
makes me sound less in charge-y, aren't  
you?

LIV  
Pretty much. Again, I say: Where we  
going?

XANDER  
To find a guy who can give me  
directions. But first we have to find  
Audrey.

Liv makes a face.

LIV  
Really? 'Cuz I should be going on patrol  
right now...

Xander smirks.

XANDER  
What about Mommy's orders?

Liv pouts.

LIV  
I hate it when this kind of thing  
happens. Why do we need Audrey?

XANDER  
Because the guy I need to talk to is  
dead.

LIV  
Can't we just get a ouiji board?

XANDER  
Tried it with Jordy.

LIV  
And?

XANDER  
Apparently the information I need is up  
my nose with a rubber hose.

LIV  
So... I guess we need to find Audrey  
then.

XANDER  
Right.

LIV  
We're not going to have to dig any dead  
bodies up are we?

XANDER  
I make no promises.

LIV  
Ahh.. Another wacky Friday night.

XANDER  
You know a girl your age should be out  
with friends... dating... partying...

LIV  
Slamming wooden stakes into the bodies  
of the undead.

XANDER  
Yeah. You know... Fun stuff. So where  
would Audrey be on a Friday night?

LIV  
Are you kidding? How long has it been  
since you were in high school? It's game  
night.

EXT. ST. BUFALARI'S STADIUM

Audrey is leading the squad in a cheer. The  
football team is losing horribly. The crowd looks  
like they would rather be someplace else. Spike is  
leaning up against the wall smoking a cigarette  
and bored out of his mind. He looks over and sees  
Xander and Liv approaching and his expression  
lights up with hope.

SPIKE  
What's that? Watcher and Slayer  
approaching? Danger about? Demons to  
slay? Apocalypse-a-coming?

XANDER  
Sorry, Spike. We just need Audrey's  
help. Why? Are you getting bored of watching  
young nubile women who are way... way  
too young for you?

SPIKE  
Oh, bullocks. I swear to God, if I see  
one more bloody human pyramid...

XANDER  
You'll cut a bloody swath through  
Europe? Oh, wait... You already did  
that.

Spike gets a dreamy expression on his face.

SPIKE  
Yeah... Good times.  
(sighs)  
Good times.

Xander and Liv give him a disturbed look. Spike  
gets a little flustered.

SPIKE  
You know. A good time if I had no soul.

XANDER  
Soul or no soul Spike, you still creep  
me out.

Spike gets a big grin on his face.

SPIKE  
Thanks!

AUDREY(OS)  
What they hell?

Audrey approaches the group with a look of  
disgust.

AUDREY  
What's the dork squad here for?

XANDER  
I was hoping we could take advantage of  
your special skills for research  
purposes.

LIV  
That would be your talking to the dead  
skills, not your booty shakin' skills.  
Just in case there was any confusion.

AUDREY  
I'm in the middle of a game here! The  
guys out there depend on me and my squad  
for morale and support!

LIV  
The "guys" are down thirty points in the  
first quarter. I think you've helped  
enough.

Audrey rushes at Liv violently. Spike calmly holds  
her back.

AUDREY  
Listen Freakshow! I don't care if you do  
have superpowers! I'm taking you down!

LIV  
Bring it on cheerwench!

XANDER  
Ladies... Let's keep it down shall we?

SPIKE  
Aww. Can't we let them go at it? I  
haven't seen a good catfight in ages.

Xander scowls at Spike.

XANDER  
Audrey? Will you help us please?

AUDREY  
What's in it for me?

LIV  
What! Oh, You've got to be kidding.

AUDREY  
If I have to give up the postgame party  
to hang out with Freakshow and  
Dye-job...

SPIKE  
Hey!

AUDREY  
... I better be getting something out of  
it.

LIV  
You little bi-

Xander quickly slaps his hand over Liv's mouth.

XANDER  
What do you want?

AUDREY  
I want Freakshow or Dog-boy chaperoning  
me at practice.

LIV  
No way!

AUDREY  
Too many of the girls have a case of the  
drools over Dye-job here.

Spike suddenly gets interested in the  
conversation.

SPIKE  
Really? Which ones?

Xander smacks Spike's shoulder in disgust.

SPIKE  
What?

AUDREY  
It's beginning to be a problem. Last  
week they dropped me on my head three  
times.

LIV  
Awww. Did the floor get damaged?

Audrey scowls at Liv.

AUDREY  
Is it a deal?

LIV  
No!

XANDER  
Yes.

LIV  
What?!

Xander silences Liv by putting his hand on her  
shoulder.

XANDER  
But... only if Spike takes over after  
practice and you agree to help us on a  
regular basis.

AUDREY  
Regular?

XANDER  
As needed?

Audrey shrugs.

AUDREY  
Fine. I'll go get my stuff.

LIV  
I don't see why I have to babysit her.

XANDER  
Just... Just don't kill her okay?

Spike flicks his cigarette to the ground and  
stamps it out.

SPIKE  
So. Where we off to?

XANDER  
To see an old friend.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH GRAVEYARD

The gang is standing in front of a simple  
gravestone with the name "Clemmonswarth" inscribed  
on it.

LIV  
(mournfully)  
Clem.

XANDER  
You okay?

LIV  
Yeah... just... miss him. That's all.

SPIKE  
Poor bloke. Never did know when to keep  
his nose out of other people's business.

XANDER  
(to Audrey)  
Is he... here?

AUDREY  
Is he a human sharpei minus the fur?

XANDER  
That's him.

AUDREY  
He says thanks for finding a home for  
all of his cats.

SPIKE  
God. Him and those bloody cats.

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
Can he tell me where we can find a place  
called the crossroads?

Spike gives Xander a sharp look.

SPIKE  
The crossroads?

AUDREY  
He says he's never been there, but he  
never has had a reason to.

SPIKE  
Bloody hell, Harris, what the hell are  
you up to?

LIV  
You've been there?

SPIKE  
Went there to find out how to get my  
soul back. Nearly had my kibbles and  
bits barbecued trying to get back.

AUDREY  
If you guys are that desperate looking  
for the crossroads with Britney Spears,  
I have a special edition DVD.

LIV  
That is just scary on so many different  
levels.

XANDER  
That's enough. Audrey, can he tell us  
anything more?

AUDREY  
Head North with only what you carry.  
That's all he knows.

XANDER  
All right then. Liv, take Audrey home  
and play guard duty.

LIV  
Oh man!

AUDREY  
Like it's a party for me, Freakshow.

SPIKE  
What makes you think I want to follow  
you around Harris?

XANDER  
Would you rather babysit Audrey?

Spike wastes no time in making his decisions.

SPIKE  
(quickly)  
Go on now girls! Get!  
(to Xander)  
Well what are we waiting for? C'mon  
Harris, get the lead out.

Spike immediately starts heading North. Xander  
grins and starts to follow. Liv is not pleased at  
all.

LIV  
I'm telling mom!

AUDREY  
Well? Let's get this prison sentence  
over with.

LIV  
Fine. Let's get you home.

AUDREY  
Um.. yeah. Listen, I left my books at a  
friend's house. Can we stop there first?  
I've got a paper due on Monday.

LIV  
Great. Whatever. Let's go.

Audrey puts on a sly grin.

AUDREY  
Great.

LIV  
Where is this place?

EXT. PARTY HOUSE

It's a lavish house gone wild with drunk  
teenagers. Audrey and Liv stand in the front lawn.  
Liv is highly annoyed.

LIV  
You left your books here?

AUDREY  
Oh my goodness! There's a party going  
on. Who da thunk?

Audrey starts walking to the house. Liv grabs her  
by the arm.

LIV  
Come on Audrey. Let's go home.

Audrey shakes off Liv and continues to walk to the  
house.

AUDREY  
Forget it Freakshow. Between you and  
Dye-job, I haven't had any fun in weeks.

LIV  
Audrey, it could be dangerous...

AUDREY  
Yeah... really don't care. Oh and if  
you're going in there you might want to  
do something about the outfit. GI Jane  
was so 1997. It doesn't blend.

Audrey heads off into the party atmosphere as Liv  
looks over her outfit. Liv shakes her head and  
removes her flack jacket revealing a somewhat  
punkish halter top.

LIV  
The things I do to save the earth.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. IGQHIRA'S HUT

Igqhira storms into his hut in a huff. (hut-huff..  
hee-hee), with Xander following him close behind.

IGQHIRA  
You could have told me that their first  
daughter was a slayer.

XANDER  
I didn't think that would be an  
obstacle.

IGQHIRA  
(sarcastic)  
Yes. I'd have to agree. Never mind their  
first daughter was slaughtered by a  
demon. The fact that their little girl  
is destined to be a human sacrifice  
because the tribe thinks she is an  
abathakathi is quite the obstacle.

XANDER  
A bath of what?

IGQHIRA  
Abathakathi. Witches who practice dark  
magic. They tend to be a problem around  
here, so the natives tend to kill them.

Xander gets serious.

XANDER  
We've got to stop them.

IGQHIRA  
We cannot interfere with this girl's  
destiny.

XANDER  
This girl's destiny is to be a slayer.

IGQHIRA  
And that's a better alternative?

XANDER  
Better than being a human sacrifice.

IGQHIRA  
Your interference will have grave  
consequences. The girl is destined to  
die. Saving her now will only postpone  
the inevitable and could... make things  
worse.

XANDER  
I can't believe you are condoning  
this...

IGQHIRA  
I do not! But these people believe she  
is cursed and must be sacrificed to  
appease the gods.

XANDER  
Do you believe that? Do you really  
believe their gods want this? I've seen  
you talk to the dead. Ask them.

IGQHIRA  
The dead do not impose the will of the  
gods upon the living.

XANDER  
Look... There must be someone...  
something we can use to find out what's  
going on here.

The Igqhira sighs.

IGQHIRA  
What we are about to do is tantamount to  
breaking open a bee hive the size of the  
Chrysler building.

XANDER  
I've been stung before.

Igqhira grabs a bottle and a wooden box and puts  
them into his satchel and grabs his walking stick.

IGQHIRA  
Come with me.

XANDER  
Where we going?

IGQHIRA  
If you want to know what the gods' will  
is, you must ask them directly... and  
hope they don't strike you down for your  
petulance.

XANDER  
Iggy... Speak English.

IGQHIRA  
We're going on a walk.

EXT. A COUNTRY ROAD IN AFRICA

It is night as Xander and Igqhira walk down the  
road. Xander is having fun torturing his new  
friend.

XANDER  
Are we there yet?

IGQHIRA  
No.

XANDER  
Are we there yet?

IGQHIRA  
No.

XANDER  
Are we...

IGQHIRA  
Shut up! Shut up! For the love of all  
that is holy! SHUT UP!

XANDER  
No! You did it all wrong! This is where  
you threaten to "pull this car over and  
tan my hide". However, the "I'll turn  
this car around right now" threat would  
also be accepted.

IGQHIRA  
Exactly how did you and your people  
become the most powerful nation?

XANDER  
Capitalism.

IGQHIRA  
I weep for the future.

XANDER  
Hey Iggy?

IGQHIRA  
What?

XANDER  
Are we there...

Xander stops and looks around. The Igqhira sighs  
in relief.

IGQHIRA  
At last.

ANGLE ON: THE CROSSROADS

Xander and the Igqhira stand at the crossroads.  
Igqhira starts rummaging through his pack. Xander  
is confused.

XANDER  
Uh... this wasn't here a second ago.

IGQHIRA  
No.

XANDER  
Just kind of "whoosh" appeared out of  
nowhere. How'd that happened?

IGQHIRA  
Well there's a precise mathematical  
theory on how it works.

XANDER  
Really?

IGQHIRA  
No. It's magic. "Whoosh"

XANDER  
Ahhh... That wacky magic... Hey what are  
you doing?

IGQHIRA  
Presenting offerings to Ellegua.  
(Holding up a bottle of booze)  
Rum.  
(Holding up a box of cigars)  
Cigars. Hand wrapped.

The Igqhira places the offerings on the ground and  
takes out a candle.

XANDER  
Is this for the god of bachelor parties?  
Because I think we need to throw a thong  
and two tassels on the pile.

Igqhira turns on Xander, infuriated.

IGQHIRA  
This is not something to be disrespected  
Harris. Ellegua is not to be...

A happy and joyous voice booms out...

VOICE  
Honorable Igqhira!

Xander and Igqhira turn to the voice and find a  
very large African man dressed in tribal garb  
already smoking on a cigar and pouring himself a  
shot of rum.

ELLEGUA  
What brings you to my neck of the woods?

Igqhira drops to one knee in reverence. Xander  
justs stands there with his hands in his pocket.

XANDER  
Hey. How's it going?

IGQHIRA  
Honorable Ellegua, we ask you to grant  
us...

ELLEGUA  
Lay off the ritual, Igqhira. What you  
have brought me today is truly a fine  
offering.

IGQHIRA  
(flustered)  
Ellegua, ah...you... ah... honor us  
with...

XANDER  
You have to forgive Iggy. He's a  
traditionalist.

IGQHIRA  
Harris! Show some respect! This is a  
god!

XANDER  
Okay, but is he a god with a little "g"  
or a big "G"? 'Cuz it makes a  
difference.

Ellegua lets out a huge belly laugh.

ELLEGUA  
Who's the white boy? I like him. He  
looks like a pirate.

XANDER  
Xander Harris. Professional White Boy  
and demon hunter.

IGQHIRA  
Honorable Igqhira. Please forgive the  
impertinence of...

Ellegua lets out another big belly laugh.

ELLEGUA  
I like him. He's got spunk. So tell  
me... why do you summon me here today?

XANDER  
I've come here about a girl at a local  
village. She's believed to be cursed.  
That she's in a-bath-of-khaki.

IGQHIRA  
Abathakathi.

XANDER  
Right. What he said. But she's a really  
a Slayer.

ELLEGUA  
A slayer? Some would believe that is a  
curse.

IGQHIRA  
(to Xander, snide)  
Told you.

XANDER  
Her tribesmen have been told by you and  
your fellow um... gods that she is to be  
sacrificed.

IGQHIRA  
While we do not wish to question your  
judgment....

XANDER  
Oh I'm questioning it. I'm questioning  
it big time.

IGQHIRA  
What he means to say is...

ELLEGUA  
We have not requested a sacrifice.

XANDER  
(to Igqhira, Snide)  
Told you.

ELLEGUA  
There is a demon out there who has been  
imitating my brethren. Getting its hands  
on the blood of a slayer would bring it  
much power.

IGQHIRA  
A blood sacrifice? For what purpose?

ELLEGUA  
A purging ritual

Igqhira gets a troubled look on his face.

XANDER  
So... a demon? I can handle a demon.

ELLEGUA  
Not this demon Xanda-man.

IGQHIRA  
A blood sacrifice in a purging ritual  
means that it is seeking to remove all  
human attributes. Maybe they didn't tell  
you all this at the watcher's council  
but all...

Xander nods in understanding.

XANDER  
I know. I know. "All the demons that  
walk the earth are tainted. Human hybrids,  
like vampires." blah. blah. blah. Soooo  
I'm guessing this purging ritual is kind  
of like the Ascension ceremony where a  
human becomes a demon, except that it's  
a demon removing any kind of human  
aspects it may have. Right?

Ellegua and Igqhira look at Xander in shock.

XANDER  
What? I've been doing this gig for  
almost eight years guys... I've picked  
up a couple of things. So... How do we  
kill it?

IGQHIRA  
You can't.

XANDER  
Ohhhh.... come on. All we need is what?  
A couple of tons of explosives and a  
school building? A crane with a wrecking  
ball? A spell that combines the best  
attributes of all of us into one person?

ELLEGUA  
If you have witnessed an ascension  
ceremony... I can guarantee you that  
what you are facing will not be stopped  
by any weapon forged by human hands.

XANDER  
Oh! How about a bazooka?

Ellegua laughs.

ELLEGUA  
You have never faced this kind of evil,  
Xanda-Man. But Iggy can handle the  
job...

Igqhira glares at Xander. Xander smiles back.  
Ellegua pulls out a small clay urn and tosses it  
to Igqhira.

ELLEGUA  
...if he uses this.

Igqhira catches the urn and examines it. His eyes  
pop open in amazement.

IGQHIRA  
(in awe)  
Olos Nah.

XANDER  
An ooloos what?

Igqhira has forgotten everything and walks away  
examining his clay pot. Xander watches him walk  
away in amusement.

XANDER  
Iggy! Are you just going to walk away  
and not thank the nice tribal god for  
the little ashtray he made for you?

IGQHIRA  
(distracted)  
Hmm? Oh yes. Thank you.

XANDER  
I tell you. These iggy-high-rahs today.  
No respect for their tribal gods.

ELLEGUA  
Xanda-man... because I like you, a word  
of warning...

XANDER  
Word or warning? Damn it. There's a  
catch isn't there? There's always a  
catch.

ELLEGUA  
The girl you seek to protect... her  
destiny is an early death. You may be  
able to prolong it or exchange it... but  
her death is inevitable.

Xander laughs...

XANDER  
Oh, is that all? I thought you were  
going to tell me something about losing  
my soul, losing another eye. You know...  
something important.

ELLEGUA  
You think this is funny?

XANDER  
I think destiny is funny. You know how  
many times we've found prophecies  
talking about death and destruction only  
for us to overcome it in some  
crazy-zany-wacky plan? Trust me when I  
say this... destiny is my punk-ass  
bitch.

Ellegua gives off another one of his belly laughs  
as he picks up his box of cigars and rum.

ELLEGUA  
You are very funny Xanda-man. You would  
be advised to keep your sense of humor.  
You'll need it.

Ellegua walks into the night with a slightly  
confused Xander watching him go.

XANDER  
What's that supposed to mean?

INT. A COUNTRY ROAD IN NEW HAMPSHIRE - PRESENT

SPIKE  
Are we there yet?

XANDER  
No.

SPIKE  
Are we there yet?

XANDER  
No.

SPIKE  
Are you regretting that I'm coming  
along?

XANDER  
I was hoping you might have some insight  
on where this thing is.

SPIKE  
Tough Luck, Harris. Last time I just  
kind of stumbled upon it.

XANDER  
Well if you want to go relieve Liv, be  
my guest.

SPIKE  
Yeah... because I'd just love another  
night of watching boring cheergirl  
whimper about how her social life is  
over.

XANDER  
And annoying me is much more  
entertaining.

SPIKE  
Definitely.

INT. PARTY

LIV  
Audrey, we shouldn't be here.

AUDREY  
Look Freakshow, I'm tired of this whole  
hide from the world routine. I'm not  
going to spend the rest of my life  
cooped up because of some stupid ability  
to talk to the dead. I'm tired of  
talking to the dead. I'd rather talk  
with someone other than you, dye-job,  
the dead and the rest of the funky  
bunch. Just sit tight and don't tell  
anyone you came with me. Georgia! Omigod!  
That is a killer outfit! I just saw it  
on sale at TJ Maxx. Gag!

Audrey is off like a shot. Liv watches Audrey go  
and rolls her eyes. Liv finds an empty couch and  
sits back on it and sighs heavily.

VOICE(OS)  
Not having any fun?

Liv turns and sees a somewhat preppy and good  
looking guy her age standing behind the couch.

LIV  
Not my idea of a good time.

GUY  
Not mine either really.

The guy sits down next to Liv on the couch.

LIV  
What is it about the weird inner desire  
of rich kids to have a party whenever  
their parents leave the house?

GUY  
Uh.. beats me.

LIV  
Probably your typical spoiled brat whose  
feelings of social inadequacy force him  
to invite people he barely knows over to  
his house in order to feel popular.

GUY  
Yeah... I mean how pitiful is that?  
Or... uh... Or! It could be that...  
uh... some kids from school found out  
that the perfectly nice rich kid's  
parents were going to be out of town and  
uh... just kind of.. showed up with a  
couple of kegs.

Liv gives the guy a strange look.

GUY#2  
Dude! Great party!

GUY  
Uh... yeah.

GUY#2  
You rock! Woooooo!

LIV  
Your house, huh?

GUY  
Uh... yeah.

LIV  
Sorry I didn't realize...

GUY  
It's okay. I'm Tucker by the way.

LIV  
I'm Liv.

TUCKER  
I know. You're in my advanced chem  
class. Uh... Or rather *our* advanced  
chem. To say it was mine is saying that  
I own chemistry which really belongs to  
everyone who studies... the uh...  
sciences.

Tucker and Liv enjoy an awkward pause.

LIV  
Uh... nice house.

TUCKER  
Thanks. It's my parents. uh... not that  
it would belong to anyone else.

LIV  
Right.

TUCKER  
Of course it won't be a house much  
longer if my "friends" have their way  
with it.

LIV  
Oh... I'm sure they won't do anything  
too bad. Nobody's going to destroy  
anything.

TUCKER  
I certainly hope so.

Audrey, somewhat tipsy wanders up to Tucker.

AUDREY  
Tuck? It was getting cold in the study  
so the girls and I lit a fire to keep  
warm. Hope you don't mind.

TUCKER  
Oh okay. Thanks.

Audrey wanders off in search of more free booze.

LIV  
See? She even let you know what was  
going on. And Audrey's a sociopath.

TUCKER  
Yeah I guess you're...

Tucker suddenly goes pale.

TUCKER  
Uh... One problem.

LIV  
What's that?

TUCKER  
There's no fireplace in the study.

Tucker jumps up and starts to run off but stops  
and turns to Liv.

TUCKER  
Uh... listen. Don't run off... yet.

LIV  
Um. Okay.

TUCKER  
Just stay there. Okay? Be right back.

Tucker dashes out of the room. Liv smiles to  
herself but is interrupted by the chirp of her  
cell/pda.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Natasha to Squirrel. Natasha to  
Squirrel. What's up Worm?

Liv pulls out her cell/pda and speaks into it.

LIV  
I'm stuck at an after game party. You?

Maya grabs Liv's shoulder from behind, startling  
her.

MAYA  
I'm standing right behind you.

Maya is now sporting a new cast, sans sling. She  
plops down next to her friend on the sofa.

LIV  
What are you doing here?

MAYA  
Well with Jordy on patrol and my arm  
still in a cast, I thought it would be  
good to continue the mockfest tradition  
of extracurricular school gatherings.  
Did you see that the cheerleaders  
started a fire?

LIV  
Yeah, Tucker just went off to play  
fireman-person.

MAYA  
Who's Tucker?

LIV  
The guy who lives here.

MAYA  
Ooooo. Poor guy. Hope the insurance is  
paid up. Aren't you supposed to be  
tailing Xander?

LIV  
Spike's with him. I ended up babysitting  
Audrey.

MAYA  
Well... could be worse.

LIV  
Exactly how could it be worse?

INT. OUTSIDE THE PARTY HOUSE

Amy steps into frame, dressed in her black cloak.  
An army of her undead izithunzela falls in behind  
her. Amy smiles grimly.

AMY  
Party time.

END ACT II

ACT III

EXT. A ROAD

SPIKE  
We're never going to find it.

XANDER  
Shut up Spike.

SPIKE  
When I found it, I was in Africa.

XANDER  
Uh-huh.

SPIKE  
When you found it, it was where?

XANDER  
Africa.

SPIKE  
I'm thinking we should be going to  
Africa, don't you?

XANDER  
It doesn't work this way.

SPIKE  
Get it through that bloody thick skull  
of yours Harris! We are never going  
to...

Xander stops walking. So does Spike. They look at  
each other...

ANGLE ON: THE CROSSROADS

Xander and Spike step up to the crossroads and  
look around.

SPIKE  
This is it, isn't it?

XANDER  
Feels right.

Xander pulls out a bottle of rum and a box of  
cigars.

SPIKE  
It's long way from a place he calls  
home.

Xander places the bottle of booze and the cigars  
on the ground.

SPIKE  
I sure hope you know what you're doing,  
Harris.

Xander pulls out a candle, lights it and places it  
by the bottle of rum.

XANDER  
(quietly)  
Me too.

SPIKE  
I heard that.

 

XANDER  
Should be any time now.

SPIKE  
So what's got your knickers in a twist?

XANDER  
I don't know what you're talking about.

SPIKE  
It's the girl isn't it?

XANDER  
No.

SPIKE  
Something about this big bad that's  
coming our way has got your head all  
twisted 'bout, Harris. You're not seeing  
straight. And it's got something to do  
with the slayer.

XANDER  
Look, what makes you think you know me?  
That you have any idea what's going  
down? I'm the prophecy guy, not you.

SPIKE  
So what's going to happen?

XANDER  
Don't have a clue.

SPIKE  
(snorts)  
Prophecy guy. Doesn't take much to see  
that it's Amy behind this mess.

XANDER  
It's more than just her Spike. She never  
had this kind of power. I know it. It's  
just... I had that vision telling me it  
was something I had faced before and all  
this time I thought it was something the  
scoobies faced. Now I find out it's  
something I faced. And if it is what I  
think it is...

SPIKE  
What?

XANDER  
"We're going to need a bigger boat."

SPIKE  
What?

XANDER  
"Houston. We have a problem."

SPIKE  
Okay, you'll need to translate, because  
I don't speak dork.

VOICE(OS)  
He means it's bad juju...

Spike and Xander turn to see Ellegua lighting up  
one of the cigars.

ELLEGUA  
...a creature of such dark magics and  
evil that it staggers the imagination.  
(takes a long puff on the stogie  
and smiles)  
Mmmm... Havana.  
(to Xander and Spike)  
Xanda-man! Bloody William! To what do I  
owe the pleasure?

XANDER  
I've come to collect on a favor.

ELLEGUA  
Favor? What favor do I owe you?

XANDER  
Short memory? Iggy and I took down that  
demon pretending to be one of your  
brethren.

ELLEGUA  
Seems to me we got what we both wanted.  
You got your slayer alive and kicking  
and I got my reputation cleared. Looks  
like it was mutually beneficial.

XANDER  
Then... Then I'll owe you one.

SPIKE  
This isn't the bloke you want to owe  
favors to Harris. Trust me on that one.

XANDER  
When the hell have I ever trusted you?

SPIKE  
Your blind loyalty to your friends is  
giving you a blindspot the size of a  
mountain Harris. A favor to this guy is  
the equivalent to a deal with the devil.

ELLEGUA  
Spike... is that any way to talk about  
an old friend?

SPIKE  
After what I did for you? Uh-uh. We're  
*NOT* friends mate.

XANDER  
This is my deal Spike. If I don't learn  
something about what's coming...

SPIKE  
I knew it! It's the slayer isn't it?

XANDER  
Something is coming for me and everyone  
around me Spike. I have to know how it's  
going to affect her.

ELLEGUA  
Like the girl before her, Xanda-man, you  
cannot change her destiny. Exchange  
it... maybe... but sooner or later the  
ones you love will come to harm. You  
sure you want that favor?

Spike give Xander a hard look. Xander nods.

SPIKE  
You're a bloody idiot.

XANDER  
Yeah? Well... somethings never change.

ELLEGUA  
The demon your looking for is Nuggano  
Eyia. He was imprisoned outside your  
world through the Olos Nah and has now  
been released.

SPIKE  
What does it want?

ELLEGUA  
What it always wanted... to purge itself  
of its human aspects.

SPIKE  
Is that all?

ELLEGUA  
Well that and to destroy the light of  
heaven, the fires of hell and anything  
in between.

SPIKE  
Yeah. That's some bad juju.  
(to Xander)  
So where do we find that bigger boat?

XANDER  
Does it... does it still need...?

ELLEGUA  
Yes. In order for the ritual to be  
completed, it needs the blood of a  
slayer. And the one it wants... well  
let's just say this boy knows how to  
hold a grudge.

SPIKE  
(snide, to Xander)  
I knew it. It's all about the slayer  
isn't it?!

XANDER  
When is it coming for her? For me?

ELLEGUA  
Oh...  
(checks his watch)  
Right about now.

INT. THE PARTY

Izithunzela break through the door and multiple  
windows. Teenagers scream and run in horror. Liv  
jumps over the couch, grabs an Izithunzela and  
throws into another group of izithunzelas,  
knocking them back out of the house. Maya runs up  
behind her.

MAYA  
See... and you thought it would be a  
quiet night.

LIV  
Joy.

Audrey appears at Liv's side, much annoyed and  
still drunk.

AUDREY  
What the hell did you do?!

LIV  
I didn't do anything!!

AUDREY  
This is the first party I've been able  
to go to in weeks and its ruined!

MAYA  
Hey guys? Demonic forces attacking!  
Let's keep things in perspective. You  
wouldn't happened to pick up any iron-y  
type weaponry would you?

AUDREY  
What good is being sarcastic to a  
monster?

MAYA  
Iron-y not irony.

AUDREY  
What are you talking about?

Liv reaches into her boot and pulls out a solid  
piece of pipe.

LIV  
Just this.

MAYA  
Kind of simple don't you think?

Liv bashes an attacking izithunzela in the head.  
The creature drops like a stone.

LIV  
Sometimes the simple things are the  
best.

MAYA  
I stand corrected.

Another izithunzela heads toward them.

AUDREY  
Focus! Focus!

Liv turns in time and bashes the izithunzela in  
the head.

LIV  
This is actually not very challenging.

MAYA  
Uh... Worm?

Liv turns around and sees a hoard of izithunzela  
slowly coming towards them.

LIV  
Aw crap.

AUDREY  
Oh god. We're all going to die!

LIV  
Shut up Audrey!

MAYA  
Any ideas?

Liv looks around and sees the wet bar filled with  
liquor bottles.

LIV  
Just one...

EXT. AFRICAN VILLAGE

A young girl, LATEESHA, is tied to a table. She is  
crying hysterically. People are gathered around  
the table chanting. A tribesman dressed in robes  
approaches her.

TRIBESMAN  
Kali Nuggano! xuu-a baa-saambwa e xali  
omuxaana abathakathi!

From the darkness a cloaked figure appears.

CLOAKED FIGURE  
Enywe musaambwa bo xuu-fukiilila.

Lateesha's mother runs forward but is held back by  
other tribe members. She is crying hysterically.

MOTHER  
Se wase omu-xanna! buu-lombi!

XANDER(OS)  
Excuse me!

Xander walks into the fray looking through his  
phrasebook. The tribe gives him a wide berth and  
eye him suspiciously.

XANDER  
(reading from the book...  
subtitled)  
Do not eat this fish! It has much  
pancakes! Give the frogs to me and no  
one has to be massaged!

CLOAKED FIGURE  
Sanna-nu?!

XANDER  
Uh...  
(reading more from the book...  
subtitled)  
I am the newspaper delivery boy! Give me  
my subscriptions!

CLOAKED FIGURE  
Xwiira bulesya!

The tribesmen start to approach Xander menacingly.

XANDER  
I've got to get another phrasebook.

Igqhira steps forward in front of the cloaked  
figure.

IGQHIRA  
(Subtitled)  
Do not listen to this pretender! He is  
not our Orisha!

CLOAKED FIGURE  
(Subtitled)  
Xwiira bulesya!

Igqhira holds the clay urn up to the sky

IGQHIRA  
Baa-kiika! Xuulila wase laka! Xuxwacala  
xungu eesa! Xwi-yanaga oumuoone setaani  
y Olos Nah!

Suddenly rain clouds begin to gather and lightning  
strikes the clay urn, causing it to glow

IGQHIRA  
Xwi-yanaga oumuoone setanni y Olos Nah!

The cloaked figure gives out an unearthly scream  
as it is pulled into the clay urn. Winds blow as  
thunder and lightning strikes all around the village.  
The tribe members scatter in fear. Xander rushes  
forward and unties Lateesha, setting her free. As  
the demon disappears into the urn, Lateesha runs and  
hugs her mother.

MOTHER  
(subtitled)  
Are you okay?

LATEESHA  
(subtitled)  
I can do without being tied up ever  
again.

XANDER  
Lateesha?

Lateesha turns and eyes Xander warily.

XANDER  
My name is Xander Harris. I'm here to  
train you. To help you become a slayer.

Lateesha gives Xander a confused look.

LATEESHA  
(subtitled)  
I have no idea what you're saying.

The Igqhira steps forward and stands between the  
slayer and her new watcher. Xander rubs the bridge  
of his nose in frustration.

XANDER  
And you don't speak English. Great.

LATEESHA  
(subtitled)  
Honorable Igqhira, who is this man?

IGQHIRA  
His name is Xander. He is your Watcher.

LATEESHA  
(subtitled)  
The newspaper delivery boy with one eye  
is my watcher?

Lateesha gives Xander the hairy eyeball. Xander  
gives her a big smile.

XANDER  
(through his teeth)  
She's not buying it is she?

IGQHIRA  
No. Not one bit.

Lateesha shakes her head.

LATEESHA  
(subtitled)  
Great.  
(turns to walk away)  
We're doomed.

INT. THE SMOKING REMAINS OF TUCKER'S HOUSE

Fire trucks and police cars are everywhere. Kids  
are being treated for smoke inhalation. The  
firemen are busy putting out the remains of the  
fire. Liv and Maya watch somewhat in awe. Audrey  
is bored out of her mind.

Xander and Spike approach the girls and stand next  
to them. They both silently survey the wreckage  
for a moment. Xander cocks an eyebrow.

XANDER  
So.  
(beat)  
What did you girls do tonight?

MAYA  
Took the night off. Hung out with a few  
friends.

LIV  
Oh. I met a cute guy.

MAYA  
And then you burned down his house.

LIV  
Well... not on purpose.

SPIKE  
It's not fair. I go on a hike with  
Oracle-boy and you guys get to burn a  
house down.

AUDREY  
Whatever. Can I go home now?

SPIKE  
It's just not fair.

AUDREY  
Shut up and take me home.

Audrey stomps off. Spike sighs.

SPIKE  
(to Liv)  
Next time, you meet the tribal god and  
I'll burn down the houses.

Spike follows Audrey, grumbling all the way.

MAYA  
Well tonight has to rank high on the  
weird-o-meter.

XANDER  
Night's not over yet.

TUCKER (OS)  
Liv!

Xander and Maya exchange glances as the handsome,  
yet somewhat sooty, Tucker runs up to Liv.

TUCKER  
Are you okay?

LIV  
Yeah. Um... ah... Sorry your house  
burned down.

TUCKER  
Well, it's not your fault.

Liv emanates guilt from every pore.

TUCKER  
I'm just glad you weren't hurt. I mean  
what are the odds that homeless people  
would attack the party and burn the  
house down? Granted I'm going to  
grounded until I'm 30. But you have to  
marvel at the odds of that happening.

MAYA  
Well look on the bright side... it  
burned all the evidence of the party.

LIV  
You're really reaching for that one,  
aren't you?

Tucker touches Liv's arm and gently pulls her away  
from Xander and Maya so they can have a little  
privacy.

TUCKER  
Listen um... Liv, if I survive my  
parents... I was hoping you'd be my lab  
partner in chem. Is that okay?

Liv gives Tucker a big goony grin. Maya rolls her  
eyes. Xander looks on, somewhat sadly.

MAYA  
(sotto to Xander)  
Lab partners? Can we say Geek love?

LIV  
Sure. I'd be happy to be yours. uh...  
partner. Lab partnerUm... Do you have a  
place to stay?

Xander and Maya snort and giggle at Liv's  
discomfort. Liv shoots them a glare and turns back  
to Tucker.

LIV  
Um... do you have a place to stay?

Tucker gives her a strange look.

TUCKER  
Yeah. My room.

LIV  
That... that wasn't your house?

TUCKER  
Oh, no.

We pull back to see a huge mansion behind the  
burned remains.

TUCKER (VO)  
That was the guest house.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Lucy sits on the sofa as Xander and Liv come into  
the room.

LIV  
Hey mom!

LUCY  
Hey kiddo! How was your evening!

LIV  
Oh, you know. The usual. A few vampires.  
Hoard of undead zombies. Oh! and I met  
the cutest guy!

XANDER  
And then she burned down his house.

LUCY  
You burned down his house?!!

LIV  
Well it was just the guest house and it  
was all in the line of slayerness duty.

LUCY  
Still... not exactly how you land a guy  
pumpkin.

LIV  
Well he didn't know it was me. Omigod!  
he was so cute he asked me to be his lab  
partner and...

LUCY  
Honey, you can tell me about it  
tomorrow. Bed.

Liv sighs in exasperation.

LIV  
I'm not twelve anymore Mom, you can't  
just tell me to...

Lucy gives her daughter the resolve face.

LUCY  
Bed.

LIV  
Okay...

As Liv heads upstairs, Xander sits down on the  
sofa.

XANDER  
So, Liv tells me that you're worried  
about me.

Lucy cuddles up to Xander.

LUCY  
I've just noticed you've been... tense  
lately. Ever since that trip to the  
morgue.

XANDER  
It's just... I don't know. Ever since  
that vision with... Lateesha. I've been  
getting a bad vibe from all of this.  
More than usual. It was bad enough when  
I found out that Amy was involved but  
now with this... this *thing*.

LUCY  
(gently)  
Hey.

Lucy gives Xander a tender kiss. He relaxes  
slightly.

LUCY  
You worry too much. You just need to  
have faith in yourself. Whatever it is  
or whatever turns up... I'm sure you can  
handle it.

Lucy snuggles up to Xander some more.

XANDER  
(troubled)  
I hope so.

LUCY  
Come on... What's the worst that could  
happen?

CUT TO:

EXT. GRAVE SITE IN AFRICA

TITLE: AFRICA - July, 2004

Xander stands in front of a freshly dug grave  
looking pretty down in the mouth. A shovel and a  
pickax lay on the ground in front of him. The Igqhira  
approaches him from behind.

IGQHIRA  
Giles is looking for you. He's worried.

XANDER  
I've already talked with Giles. I'm  
done. I quit.

Igqhira sadly shakes his head.

IGQHIRA  
You knew this day would come.

XANDER  
Is that supposed to make me feel better?

IGQHIRA  
You trained her as best you could.

XANDER  
She deserved better.

IGQHIRA  
Yes, but she got you instead.

XANDER  
Thanks for uplift.

IGQHIRA  
This would be the part of the  
conversation where I shake my finger and  
say I told you so.

XANDER  
And this would be the part where I tell  
you to take a flying fu-

Igqhira holds up his hand and stops Xander.

IGQHIRA  
Listen to me Watcher. You have done your  
duty. Your charge has fulfilled her  
destiny.

XANDER  
Go to hell.

IGQHIRA  
The girl was a slayer. Did you think  
that being her watcher would change her  
future?

XANDER  
I've changed the future. I've defied  
prophecies. She wasn't given a chance.  
Her death was pointless.

IGQHIRA  
You saved her from being a sacrifice to  
a false god. She saved lives and  
defeated much evil. For every step she  
has made another will be able to make  
two more. She was a positive force in  
this world and has moved on to the next.  
Her path will not end here. Nor will  
what she has done. Saying her death is  
pointless is to discount her life.

Xander gives Igqhira a look of disgust.

XANDER  
Iggy? Get lost.

IGQHIRA  
Your journey is not over, Watcher. What  
you have started here is just a small  
step on the path of...

XANDER  
Forget it Iggy. I've been fighting this  
battle since I was fifteen. I've lost my  
home. My girl. My eye. And now I've let  
an innocent girl die. Someone else can  
fight the good fight. I've done enough  
harm. So save me the fortune cookie  
wisdom and let me do what I came here  
for.

IGQHIRA  
And what is that?

Xander pulls out a wooden stake and waves it at  
him.

XANDER  
My last good deed.

Xander throws the stake into the ground by  
Igqhira's feet. Xander picks up a nearby shovel  
and starts to dig.

XANDER  
I'm not going to let her wake up as one  
of them. You can either leave or dig.  
Doesn't matter that much to me.

Igqhira shakes his head and walks away. Xander  
starts to dig.

As we pull back we see a figure cloaked in black  
hidden and silently observing Xander. As we turn  
around to the front of the figure we see the face  
of Amy as she smiles and observes Xander's  
actions.

AMY  
Just like he said it would be...

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM - PRESENT

Amy stands with several Izithunzela around her. A  
tear in the fabric of reality appears and the  
Vizier and the cloaked figure step through. Amy  
kneels on the ground.

AMY  
Master.

VIZIER  
Who's this? What is she doing in my  
sanctum?

CLOAKED FIGURE  
She is my abathakathi. My witch.

VIZIER  
She has no right to be here!

CLOAKED FIGURE  
(threatening)  
She does now.

The vizier recoils a bit.

CLOAKED FIGURE  
(to Amy)  
Have you captured the slayer?

AMY  
No master. But I have brought the one  
you have told me of. She will be the  
slayer's undoing...

VIZIER  
(to cloaked figure)  
Does everyone around here talk like they  
are out of Star Wars?

One of the izithunzela steps forward. It is a  
young African girl with a scar around her neck,  
her eyes are milky white and of course... it is  
Lateesha, Xander's former slayer. The Vizier looks  
at the walking corpse, recognizing what it is...

VIZIER  
That... That's the body of a slayer.

AMY  
I found her after she was re-buried by  
the Watcher. The powers of the slayer  
still reside within her... reduced but  
still there.

A tendril reaches out from within the cloaked  
figure and caresses Lateesha.

CLOAKED FIGURE  
Yessss.... Yesss.... she will be his  
undoing....

Dark laughter erupts from the cloaked figure as  
we....

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	6. World Without...

TEASER

EXT. CEMETERY

Liv, Maya and Jordy patrol the graveyard.

MAYA  
Nice job today at school, Liv. I thought  
I told you to wait until midterms before  
you shut down the school.

LIV  
It wasn't even me!

JORDY  
Exactly how did this wonderful event  
happen?

LIV  
Well Tucker was working with the  
hexaclorathane and when we were talking  
he accidently mixed in the napathalene  
and magnesium. Then I started laughing  
and knocked over the Bunsen burner  
and... well... kaplooie.

JORDY  
All in all... pretty boring story.  
Except for the kaplooie.

MAYA  
What exactly were you two crazy kids  
talking about?

Liv giggles.

LIV  
He was telling me a joke about the  
atomic weight of sodium and a Bunsen  
burner.

Liv starts laughing at the memory of the joke.

LIV  
You see... the sodium fell in love with  
a Bunsen burner and...

Liv loses control and starts laughing  
hysterically. Jordy looks at Maya.

JORDY  
I'm sure it is very funny in context.

MAYA  
I'm sure.

LIV  
(barely intelligible)  
"Just a phase..."

Liv starts laughing uncontrollably until she  
starts snorting. She stops with a look of horror.

LIV  
Oh god.

Maya and Jordy giggle.

LIV  
Did I just snort?

MAYA  
You did.

LIV  
Oh god. I'm becoming my mother.

MAYA  
We'll just chalk it up to "geek love".

LIV  
Hey! Stop that! No jinxing the budding  
crush!

JORDY  
So is "Tucker" his first or last name?

LIV  
Neither. It's part of his middle name.

MAYA  
Part of his what?

LIV  
(dreamy)  
Shamus Tuckerian Bourdillion Traherne.

Jordy and Maya blink hard at the name.

MAYA  
Whoa. Now for the big test: Is he  
demonic?

Liv has the biggest grin on her face.

LIV  
(giddy)  
No. I checked him out.

Jordy and Maya exchange a dirty look and laugh.

LIV  
I mean... I had him...

Jordy and Maya laugh harder. Liv pouts.

LIV  
No! stop that! He's human. He's  
French-Irish.

JORDY  
With a name like that he'd have to be.

In the background a girl's voice is heard  
screaming.

MAYA  
Oop! No more time for geek girl's love  
life!

Jordy and Maya start running off toward the sound  
of the scream. Liv pouts before she starts running  
after them.

LIV  
Hey! Quit jinxing the crush!

EXT. ELSEWHERE IN THE CEMETERY

A girl in grubby clothing runs for her life. A  
pack of five vampires are chasing after her. The  
girl looks back to see how close they are getting  
and suddenly trips over a tree root and falls to  
the ground, knocking her head on a gravestone. She  
struggles to get up but is surrounded by the  
vamps.

VAMPIRE  
All right boys... it's snack time.

A blast of water hits the vampire's face which  
promptly causes it to sizzle. The vampire screams  
in pain.

ANGLE ON:

Maya with her super soaker.

MAYA  
Didn't anyone tell you to wash up before  
you eat?

VAMPIRE  
Get he-

The vampire promptly explodes into dust revealing  
Liv who has staked him from behind.

LIV  
Hi. My name is Liv. I'll be your slayer  
for this evening...

Three of the vampires charge Liv while the  
remaining one goes after Maya.

Liv blocks off two of the vampires attacks from  
the flanks and scissor kicks the third vampire and  
sends him flying. She backhands the first vampire  
and then spins and stakes the second.

Maya blasts away at her oncoming vampire who just  
keeps taking the pain until he's standing right in  
front of her and she has run out of water. Smoke  
and sizzling sounds emanate from the vampire's  
body.

MAYA  
Gee. That sure was a lot of holy water.

VAMPIRE  
Felt good. Been ages since I had a hot  
shower.

MAYA  
How long has it been since you've had a  
werewolf?

VAMPIRE  
(Confused)  
A what?

Suddenly Jordy leaps out from nowhere and tackles  
the vampire, snarling like crazy.

MAYA  
Oh, that was just too easy.

LIV  
(OS)Maya!

Maya turns toward Liv as Liv takes out another  
vampire.

LIV  
Check the girl!

Liv blocks an attack from the remaining vampire as  
Maya runs to the wounded girl. Jordy is going to  
town on the vampire... more than normal. The  
vampire has been beaten into submission, but Jordy  
still beats the crap out of him. Maya looks up  
from the girl who is bleeding pretty badly.

MAYA  
Jordy! Hurry up! I need your help.

Jordy continues to snarl and beat the living crap  
of his opponent. Maya gently lays the girl down  
and approaches Jordy from behind.

MAYA  
Jordy! Just stake him already!

Jordy turns on Maya, growls and moves toward her.

MAYA  
Jordy!

Jordy snaps his jaws and snarls. Maya eyes widen  
as she back off.

MAYA  
Jordy!

Jordy wakes up as though from a dream. He shakes  
his head and quickly stakes the vampire.

JORDY  
Sorry... Kind of lost it there.

MAYA  
Hello understatement, nice to meet you.

Jordy nods to the girl lying down.

JORDY  
Is she okay?

Liv stakes her final vampire and gives Jordy a  
look.

LIV  
What happened to you?

JORDY  
I... I don't know.

MAYA  
Hey guys?

Maya is looking over the girl, who's a bit woozy  
and bleeding from her temple.

MAYA  
She's bleeding pretty bad.

Liv pulls out a first aid kit and starts taping  
some gauze to the girl's wound.

LIV  
Hey. You okay?

GIRL  
(woozy)  
'S fine.

MAYA  
Yeah, well the blood running out of that  
head of yours says differently.

LIV  
She's going to need stitches.

GIRL  
No. No hospitals.

MAYA  
Yeah, I don't think there's any room for  
argument on this one.

GIRL  
I can't. They'll send me back.

LIV  
It's okay. My mom works there. We won't  
send you anywhere you don't want to go.  
What's your name?

GIRL  
Kelly...

LIV  
Come on Kelly. Let's go.

Liv and Maya help the Kelly to her feet. Liv half  
supports and half carries Kelly as they walk.

MAYA  
Hey Jordy, do you think that...

Maya stops as she gets a look at Jordy. He keeps  
staring at the girl they just rescued with a scary  
intensity.

MAYA  
What's wrong?

JORDY  
That girl.... I'm just getting a really  
weird sense about her.

MAYA  
What? Something evil?

JORDY  
No. Something... Something very...

INT. HOSPITAL

Lucy is cleaning up Kelly's wound. The odd squad  
sits behind Lucy observing.

LUCY  
...familiar. Have I seen you here  
before?

Kelly shakes her head, but says nothing.

LUCY  
So... you got a name? Or should I just  
keep calling you "sweetie" and "dear  
heart".

Kelly just looks at her with an untrusting look.

LUCY  
Or you can just sit there mute while I  
prattle on for hours. You know it's not  
the first time we've had runaways around  
here. You don't get that many here in  
New Hampshire, but every once in a blue  
moon...

KELLY  
Who says I'm a runaway?

LUCY  
Well the dirty clothes and the grubby  
look isn't exactly this year's fashion  
plate. But I'd have to say your look of  
loneliness, fear and quiet desperation  
are the real telltales.

KELLY  
I'm not scared.

LUCY  
Oh... not even when that gang was  
chasing you?

KELLY  
That wasn't a gang.

The odd squad exchange glances.

LUCY  
Oh. What was it?

Kelly looks away sullenly.

KELLY  
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

MAYA  
Was it a gang of bumpy faced people with  
long teeth who have an aversion to  
sunlight.

Kelly's eyes get big.

KELLY  
Yeah.

JORDY  
Uh. Yeah. We get a lot of them around  
here.

Kelly takes a look at the group and decides to  
trust them.

KELLY  
I'm not a runaway.

Lucy gives Kelly "the look".

KELLY  
Well... I am, but I'm actually looking  
for... something.

LUCY  
What?

KELLY  
My parents. Well... my real parents.

LIV  
You're adopted?

KELLY  
Not really. Fostered. I heard my father  
might be living out here so I hopped a  
train in L.A. and started making my way  
here to see if I could find him.

LUCY  
That's quite a distance. You're from  
California?

KELLY  
Yeah. Sunnydale, originally. But that  
was before it became...

Again with the glances exchanged.

LIV  
...a big hole in the ground.

KELLY  
Yeah.

Lucy is a little afraid to ask the question.

LUCY  
You wouldn't happen to know exactly  
who...

KELLY  
Alexander Lavelle Harris. At least  
that's what it says on my birth  
certificate.

The group's faces drop as she pulls out a piece of paper  
and waves it slightly. Kelly notices the looks and  
cocks an eyebrow.

KELLY  
What? You know him?

LIV  
Hol...

MAYA  
...ly...

JORDY  
Crap.

END TEASER

Author's Note:  
Okay.... I know this little plot line has been done before and by much better writers than me, but when I have I ever disappointed you guys?

Okay. Don't answer that.

Anywhoops... this is my take on this little hackneyed plot device. Just... just keep reading...

 

ACT I

INT. HOSPITAL

JORDY  
He's going to freak.

LIV  
Major wiggage.

MAYA  
How do you guys know? He "sees all",  
doesn't he? He's probably prophecized it  
weeks ago.

JORDY  
Yeah, he's good with the upcoming  
disasters and what-not. The personal  
stuff... not so much.

MAYA  
Why's that?

LIV  
He only gets what the PTB wants him to  
see.

MAYA  
PTB?

LIV  
Powers-That-Be.

Maya rolls her eyes.

MAYA  
How PC. Can start calling demons  
"Hellish Americans"?

Xander enters the room and smiles.

XANDER  
Hey guys. What's up?

The odd squad just looks at each other.

XANDER  
Oh god. What's wrong now?

INT. HOSPITAL OBSERVATION ROOM

Xander watches Kelly through a one way mirror. She  
sits on the other side playing with her hospital  
gown. She has obviously bathed and is all cleaned  
up. Xander slowly sits down. He's  
hyperventilating.

XANDER  
Oh God. Ooooooh God.

LUCY  
You okay?

XANDER  
Ask me after a few more "Oh God's".

LUCY  
Do you want me to run a blood test to...

XANDER  
No. She's mine.

LUCY  
You can tell?

XANDER  
It's... It's hard to describe. It's an  
aural thing. Like you and Liv? You two  
have this... bond that permeates through  
your aura.

LUCY  
Really? You never told me that.

XANDER  
The Chinese have a word for it. I'd say  
it out loud except the last time I said  
it Chao-Ahn smacked me across the face.  
It's... like a thin red line that  
connects you.

LUCY  
So you and Kelly?

It's the first time he's heard the name. He  
digests that for a second.

XANDER  
Kelly?

Lucy nods.

XANDER  
Um. yeah. There's a line. It's no where  
near as strong but... there's something  
there.

Xander stands up and looks through the glass. Lucy  
puts her arms around him from behind and looks  
over his shoulder.

XANDER  
What... What does she look like?

LUCY  
She's gorgeous.

XANDER  
Really?

LUCY  
Yep. She's got your eyes.

XANDER  
Can I have them back? 

Lucy chuckles slightly and then frowns.

XANDER  
What?

Lucy is hesitant to bring this up...

LUCY  
You never told me that you and Faith had  
a... thing.

XANDER  
How did...?

LUCY  
She's got pouty ruby lips and flowy dark  
hair. Kind of a dead giveaway.

XANDER  
Well, it's the same old story. Boy meets  
slayer. Slayer scratches a sexual itch  
with said boy. And then later the Slayer  
tries to kill boy in a psychopathic  
rage. Since then, boy and Slayer avoid  
all eye contact. Which is easier now  
that I have no eyes.

LUCY  
You tell the best stories.

XANDER  
And that's one of my happier  
relationships. Present one excluded of  
course.  
(sighs)  
What do we do now?

LUCY  
Why don't you meet her? Take her home.

XANDER  
Oh God. Are you kidding?

LUCY  
She just wants to meet you. Otherwise  
I'm going to have to call social  
services.

Xander goes into panic mode.

XANDER  
I... I can't be anyone's father.

LUCY  
Hey. Dumbass. What do you think you've  
been to Liv for the past year?

Xander digests that for a second.

XANDER  
Yeah?

LUCY  
Yeah.

XANDER  
I guess we should contact Faith.

LUCY  
Do you want me to...

XANDER  
No. I'll call her.

LUCY  
You ready?

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
No.

But Xander opens the door and walks through  
anyway.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

Xander enters. Kelly sizes him up.

KELLY  
Hey.

XANDER  
Hey yourself.

KELLY  
(trying to be funny)  
Are you my daddy?

XANDER  
Looks that way.

KELLY  
Okay, because you owe me a heck of a lot  
of back pay on my allowance.

Xander chuckles.

XANDER  
Yeah. You're my kid all right. Am I what  
you expected?

KELLY  
Was hoping for Tom Cruise, but I can  
deal with the disappointment. Um. Am I  
what you expected?

XANDER  
I'll be honest. Up until twenty minutes  
ago, I didn't know I had a kid.

KELLY  
What about... my mother?

XANDER  
Not sure she knows you exist either.

Kelly gives him a confused look.

KELLY  
Okay... and I say this with all due  
respect... "Wha-huh?"

XANDER  
It's a long story involving your mother,  
me, a battle between good and evil...  
oh, and a coma.

KELLY  
Hel-lo, Movie of the week.

They both laugh together... ending in an awkward  
pause.

XANDER  
So...

KELLY  
So. What now?

Xander gives her a good hard look.

XANDER  
Come on. Let's get you out of here.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM.

Xander, Kelly and the Odd Squad enter the  
firehouse and Kelly takes an appraising look.

XANDER  
What do you think?

KELLY  
Bitchin' place.

XANDER  
Thanks. You hungry?

KELLY  
Starved.

The two head into the kitchen and start opening  
cupboards.

XANDER  
I'm afraid that I don't have much...

Kelly finds what she's looking for.

KELLY  
All right! Twinkies!

Kelly rips a package open and stuffs an entire  
twinkie in her mouth all at once. Xander gives her  
a small smile. Kelly sees that he's "looking" at  
her and gets weirded out.

KELLY  
(talking with her mouth full)  
What?

XANDER  
Just... I... don't know.

KELLY  
You know, for a blind guy you sure stare  
at me a lot.

Xander smiles and goes to the fridge and pulls out  
a small yellow bottle and hands it to Kelly.

XANDER  
Try this...

KELLY  
Oooooh, baby! Sweet chocolatey Yoohoo!

Kelly pops open the bottle and guzzles it. Xander  
smiles.

MAYA(OS)  
Oh yeah. That's his kid all right.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

The Odd squad sits in their usual spots, observing  
the interaction between Xander and Kelly in the  
background.

JORDY  
Right down to the Twinkie technique.

MAYA  
Never thought that was genetic.

JORDY  
Well it's kind of an  
involuntary/instinctive thing. Like breathing  
or swallowing.

LIV  
I don't know...

MAYA  
What? You think the Twinkie technique is  
a product of environment?

LIV  
I think this whole thing stinks. There's  
something not right about this.

Maya and Jordy share an amused look.

MAYA  
I think someone is having paternal  
issues.

Liv rolls her eyes.

LIV  
Yeah. Like you guys aren't lacking any  
father figures.

Jordy makes a sound like a cat and then hisses.

LIV  
That better be a hairball Rover.

JORDY  
Okay... Definitely lacking the funny  
today.

MAYA  
Come on Liv. It's Xander. The guy can  
smell a lie just by "looking" at you.

JORDY  
*Smell* a lie by "looking"?

MAYA  
Shut up.

XANDER(OS)  
No! Whoa Don't drink that!

Kelly makes some retching noises offscreen.

KELLY(OS)  
Gross! What is that? It tastes like  
feet.

Liv watches Xander and Kelly with concern.

LIV  
I think Mr. Harris is seeing only what  
he wants to or is supposed to see.  
Seriously guys... I know the hellmouth  
has freaky coincidences, but this one?  
This is like an episode of Passions. And  
she just happens to meet us in a  
cemetery while on patrol? That's not  
normal. Even for us.

Jordy furrows his brow. Maya frowns.

JORDY  
She's got a point.

MAYA  
What should we do?

INT. DESERTED WAREHOUSE

A group of cloaked vampires kneel in front of two  
vampire leaders, Khaos and Aionios.

KHAOS  
Keep the girl under observation. Let us  
know when she makes her move.

AIONIOS  
Everyone else keep an eye open for the  
Defiler. Alert us immediately when she  
shows up.

KHAOS  
Go. Perform your duties.

The vampires disperse. Khaos and Aionios remove  
their hoods revealing  
"Master"/fruit-punch-mouth-like faces.

AIONIOS  
Soon she will be in our grasp.

KHAOS  
And his restoration will be complete.

Khaos pulls out a cigarette and holds it up to his  
mouth. It's now that we see his hands are cloven.  
Khaos pats his cloak down. His arrogant facade now  
seems gone.

KHAOS  
Got a light?

Aionios pulls out a lighter and tries to light it  
with his cloven hands, but the lighter flies off  
across the room. They both sigh.

AIONIOS  
It's moments like these that I miss  
having thumbs.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

The Odd squad sit and talk quietly. Xander and  
Kelly are in the kitchen getting to know each  
other.

LIV  
So you guys know the plan?

MAYA  
No, Worm. We haven't been listening to  
you obsess over every detail for the  
last half hour.

JORDY  
I just kinda zoned out after about five  
minutes. Are we doing anything other  
than checking out her story and checking  
around town for those vampires that were  
chasing her?

LIV  
Uh... no. That's pretty much it.

JORDY  
Coolness. I'll take the West side, you  
take the east?

LIV  
You got it.  
(To Xander)  
Hey, Mr. Harris. Jordy and I are going  
on a second sweep.

XANDER  
Be careful.

KELLY  
Bye guys!

Liv tries to smile and waves back at Kelly. Before  
Jordy can leave, Maya pulls him aside.

MAYA  
Hey. Cujo. What was the deal with you  
back at the cemetery?

JORDY  
I'm... I'm not sure. I just... lost it.

MAYA  
Yeah. You never lose it. Well once...  
but...

JORDY  
I don't know what happened, but I'm  
fine.

MAYA  
Did you forget to drink 'feet' or do the  
chanty thing today?

JORDY  
No I did all that.

MAYA  
Maybe you should talk with Harris.

JORDY  
Look... it was just a one-time deal.  
Okay? Lay off!

Maya gives Jordy a look of concern. Jordy shakes  
his head.

JORDY  
I'm fine. Look... tell you what. I'll  
drink an extra potion before I go and  
I'll do some more meditation when I get  
back. 'kay?

Jordy gives Maya a smile. Maya smiles back as  
Jordy pulls her into hug.

MAYA  
Okay. But be warned, I never cried at  
the end of Old Yeller.

They smile.

JORDY  
Got it.

They smooch.

KELLY(OS)  
Hey you two! Get a room!

MAYA  
Great. Comments from the peanut gallery.

JORDY  
Well, maybe if we're lucky she's evil  
and we'll have to kill her.

MAYA  
You say the sweetest things.

EXT. CEMETERY

Liv patrols solo through the graveyard. She's  
talking on her pda/cell.

LIV  
Find anything?

MAYA  
(filtered)  
I'm currently trying to hack my way into  
California's records to verify Kelly's  
birth certificate, but I did find  
something weird.

LIV  
What's that?

MAYA  
(filtered)  
I asked Pongo if Kelly was Xander's real  
daughter and he hesitated and wouldn't  
answer.

LIV  
What?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Maya is sitting on the floor pulling on a puppet  
arm that goes beneath the couch.

MAYA  
Then he crawled underneath the couch and  
he won't come out and won't answer any  
more questions. I think I fried his  
puppet brain. Pongo! Come out here!

Pongo makes a puppet groaning sound and tries to  
pull his arm away.

LIV  
(filtered)  
You fried his brain with a question?

Maya drops the puppet arm and frowns.

MAYA  
I don't think it was the question that  
did it. What scares me is that I think  
it was the answer.

EXT. CEMETERY

Liv frowns.

LIV  
I don't like the sound of that.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Once again... master of the  
understatement.

LIV  
Let me know what you find from public  
records and-

Liv stops for a second and looks off in the  
distance.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Liv? Okay... you know I hate it when you  
break off in mid-sentence.

LIV  
I'm fine. I'll check back in 20.

MAYA  
Liv? Where are you-

Liv turns off the PDA and slowly moves behind a  
clump of trees where there are two vampires hidden  
watching an access road that runs along the  
cemetery. They are both wearing robes.

VAMP1  
The time is at hand.... soon the time  
for restoration will be here and the  
Defiler will meet her undoing.

The second vamp rolls his eyes and tugs his

VAMP2  
Yeah. Whatever. Is there some point  
where I have to start talking like that?  
Because if so, stake me now.

VAMP1  
You have only just joined our Order. You  
do not know our master's power. Once you  
have passed the level of initiate-

VAMP2  
Uh-huh. Whatever. I'm just here for the  
free blood. And what is with this robe?  
It feels like burlap.

VAMP1  
They are like the robes our master first  
wore... eons ago. When the sire of our  
sires walked the earth before he  
forsaked his human attributes.

Liv creeps closer to the vamps, listening to

VAMP2  
You mean like those freaky hooves Khaos  
and Aionios have for hands? 'Cuz if  
that's what happens after a couple of  
centuries, I'd prefer to keep my  
opposable thumbs.

LIV  
(to herself)  
Hooves?

Liv inches forward and steps on a twig making a  
snapping sound.

VAMP2  
What was that?

VAMP1  
Intruder! Intruder!

The two vampires rush toward Liv. Five more  
vampires show up around her.

LIV  
Crap.

VAMP1  
Ahhh... The slayer.

LIV  
Sorry just "a" slayer actually. Little  
"a" not a big one. I've still got the  
powers of the chosen ones though, so you  
might just want to you know... run away  
before I destroy you all.

The vampires all laugh.

VAMP2  
Seven to one odds? I don't think-

The vamp turns to dust, revealing FAITH standing  
behind him with the stake she just used.

FAITH  
So why are all you big bad vamps picking  
on half-pint? I mean that's just mean.

VAMP1  
It's her. The other Slayer. The-

Faith rolls her eyes and throws her stake into the  
vamp's chest... dusting him.

FAITH  
Ya' know, I've been around almost as  
much as B, but I always get billed as  
the other slayer. I'm like the  
Dangerfield of slayers. It

LIV  
What do you think? Five to Two? Is that  
fair?

FAITH  
Better tie one arm behind our backs to  
make it even.

The girls fly into battle. Before the vampires can  
even react they dust one each. Faith takes on two  
of the vampires as Liv takes on one. As one of the  
vampires charges Faith, she responds with a  
scissor kick and a quick staking. The other  
vampire is able to land a punch but is quickly  
staked as well.

Liv blocks a kick and punch, before dropping and  
sweeping the leg. The vamp falls on his face and  
Liv wastes no time in staking him from behind.

FAITH  
Not bad half-pint. Need to work on your  
stalking skills a bit.

Liv pouts.

LIV  
Vampire hearing sucks.

Faith smiles and gives Liv a reasurring pat on her  
back

FAITH  
Enh. No biggie. You've come a long way  
in short period of time. Of course,  
you'll never be better than me and  
eventually you'll be known as the third  
string slayer, but you'll live it down  
eventually.

Liv and Faith laugh as they walk along.

FAITH  
So where's the apocalypse? Harris left a  
garbled message on my voicemail that I  
needed to get down here as soon as  
possible. You got another boyfriend with  
demonic heritage that got turned into a  
vampire?

LIV  
Okay. First of all... NOT my boyfriend.

FAITH  
Not what I heard.

LIV  
It was a crush. That ended when the guy  
came back as the undead.

FAITH  
Riiiight. I've heard that one waaaay too  
many times. Except usually they were  
already undead. And they came back from  
hell not from the grave. And sometimes  
there was a soul involved.

Faith shakes her head in confusion

FAITH  
I've got to start hanging out with some  
normal people. So if there's no  
apocalypse, what the hell am I doing  
here?

Liv frowns.

LIV  
Mr. Harris didn't tell you?

FAITH  
He just said it was some kind of "family  
matter".

Liv sighs.

LIV  
Come on. There's someone I think you  
should meet.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

Faith sits at the kitchen island with a stunned  
expression on her face. Her mouth opens and moves  
around, but nothing is coming out. Xander and  
Kelly sit on the other side of the kitchen island,  
both are somewhat on the amused side.

FAITH  
She's... She's...?

XANDER  
Our daughter.

Faith's eyes bug out and she begins to massage her  
temples. Kelly gets a sly grin.

KELLY  
Mommy... I was thinking I could stay  
with you during the summer.

FAITH  
Holy sh-

Kelly gives Faith a look. Faith catches herself.

FAITH  
-hish kebob. Are you F-  
(catches herself again)  
-reakin' kidding me here Harris?

XANDER  
Let's just say I "see" her in you.

FAITH  
No. No way. No way this is happening.  
You mean when you and I... and...  
then... coma?

KELLY  
There's a sentence in there somewhere, I  
know there is.

FAITH  
(blurts it out)  
She's not mine.

Kelly looks hurt. Xander winces. So does Faith.

XANDER  
Kelly, why don't you go hang out with  
Maya and Liv?

KELLY  
Whatever.

Kelly sulks as she walks away.

XANDER  
Kelly... come on.

KELLY  
Whatever!

Xander turns angrily on Faith.

XANDER  
What the hell is wrong with you?

FAITH  
Wrong with me? Are you telling me your  
buying this crap?

XANDER  
She's part of you and me Faith.

FAITH  
Dude there is no way she is my kid.

XANDER  
Yeah? Well as much as I hate to admit  
what happened, it did and she's the  
result.

FAITH  
Yeah. No way. No how. That kid is not  
mine.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Despite their best efforts, Kelly can hear  
snippets of the conversation and it is not the  
happy parts. Maya and Liv look on with a mixture of  
doubt and sympathy. Kelly plays with a charm on  
her necklace.

LIV  
Not exactly the best family reunion.

MAYA  
If it helps, I've known both my parents  
since birth and the constant rejection  
is still there.

KELLY  
Yeah. Your Mom ever say that you weren't  
hers?

MAYA  
Uh... no.

KELLY  
Then shut your pie-hole.

LIV  
That's a nice necklace.

Liv leans forward and fingers the charm on it.

KELLY  
Yeah. My foster mom gave it to me. It's  
supposed to protect me.

MAYA  
Do you want us to call her? Let her know  
you're okay?

KELLY  
You can try. You got a phone that talks  
to the dead?

MAYA  
Well, actually...

Liv nudges Maya.

MAYA  
Uh... no. We don't.

LIV  
What happened to her?

KELLY  
Those guys who were chasing me. That's  
what happened.

Liv and Maya share a look.

FAITH(OS)  
Look you prick...

Liv and Maya look over at the Kitchen.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

FAITH  
Don't tell me you haven't thought about  
it!

XANDER  
Yeah because that just happens to be a  
happy memory for me!

The argument dissolves into Xander and Faith  
yelling at each other at the same time.

MAYA  
If you gave Faith a bottle of Vodka, I  
could be at home right now listening to  
my parents.

Liv looks over at Kelly... or rather where she  
was. Liv looks to the front door and sees that it  
is ajar.

LIV  
Guys...?

Xander and Faith continue to tear into each other  
verbally. Liv puts her fingers in her mouth and  
lets off a high pitched whistle.

LIV  
Guys!

XANDER & FAITH  
WHAT?!

LIV  
Kelly's bolted.

Xander and Faith look around.

XANDER  
Oh that's swell.

FAITH  
Don't start with me Harris.

XANDER  
I think we've gone beyond start. I think  
we're in the throes of heated debate.

Xander grabs his coat and pulls a sword out of the  
weapons cabinet.

XANDER  
Let's go Faith. Time to pick up the kid  
from school.

Faith rolls her eyes in frustration and starts to  
follow until Liv steps in front of both of them.

LIV  
Mr. Harris, before you go we've noticed  
some strange-

XANDER  
Look, whatever the apocalypse of the  
week is, just deal with it. If you can't  
kill it, page me.

In a huff both Xander and Faith leave.

LIV  
Crap.

MAYA  
What now?

Liv thinks for a second.

LIV  
You break into California's database  
yet?

MAYA  
Almost there.

LIV  
Check out her foster parents. I'm going  
to do some more digging. Have Jordy head  
over to the cemetery where we were  
ambushed. I'll meet him there.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH STREETS

Xander is stomping through the streets with Faith  
sullenly trailing him. They get to a crossroads  
and Xander stops and "looks" around.

FAITH  
You know where she went?

XANDER  
No.

FAITH  
So the plan is just to stomp around all  
over the place and hope to run into her?

XANDER  
You got a problem with that?

FAITH  
I'm not the one with the problem.

XANDER  
What's that supposed to mean?

FAITH  
It means in the some-odd years since  
"it" happened, you and I still have some  
unresolved issues.

XANDER  
Yeah well some things are better left  
unsaid.

Faith grabs Xander by the arm and spins him  
around.

FAITH  
Look... our "working" relationship,  
isn't exactly working at the moment.

XANDER  
Faith, as much as I'd love to hash out  
the fact that you tried to kill me,  
there's a kid running around at night in  
hellmouth-infested- vampiredom. It  
doesn't matter whether or not what if  
you think that kid is yours or not.  
She's in trouble or will be. So if you  
want to get off your road to redemption  
kick for a moment, I'd kind of like to  
get on with the finding of OUR child.

Xander stomps off.

FAITH  
(gently)  
Harris.

Xander stops and turns to look at Faith.

FAITH  
Is she... really?

XANDER  
Look... there's a bond between us and  
her. It's an aural thing. I've seen it  
between Lucy and Liv. We have that with  
her. It's not as strong... but it's  
there.

FAITH  
I just don't... I don't how. I mean  
could this be... some weird slayer  
thing? Some alternate reality where she  
just popped in from? You know... like  
that place without lobsters?

XANDER  
Okay... First of all, it's a "world  
without shrimp". And second, is it that  
hard to believe that she's our kid?

Faith looks away and swallows hard.

FAITH  
It's... It's hard to believe that  
anything good might have come out of  
what I did to you.

Xander is stunned.

Xander and Faith just stare at each other.

EXT. CITY STREET OF CAPE KENNETH - ELSEWHERE

Kelly is wandering the streets, not looking where  
she's going. She runs into the two cloaked figures  
that are Khaos and Ainonis.

KHAOS  
Hello my dear.

AIONIOS  
This would be the part where you scream.

She looks at them with an unreadable expression  
and then screams in horror.

EXT. CITY STREET

Xander and Faith look at each other and take off  
at top speed. They run around the corner to see  
the two cloven handed vampires with Kelly. Khaos  
has his hooves positioned around Kelly's neck and  
head.

AIONIOS  
Hello Faith.

XANDER  
Friends of yours?

FAITH  
I don't think we've met.

KHAOS  
Drop the sword Watcher and stand down.

AIONIOS  
We wouldn't want anything to happen to  
the little girl now would we?

Vampires slowly trickle in around Xander and  
Faith.

XANDER  
Let her go.

Khaos rolls his eyes.

KHAOS  
How heroic. Let's cut the crap shall we?  
We'll let her go and you get captured.  
That's how it's supposed to work, right?

Faith and Xander look at each other. Xander drops  
his sword.

AIONIOS  
That's a good boy.

Khaos releases Kelly as the vampires tie up Xander  
and Faith.

XANDER  
Kelly! Run!

Kelly sneers at him.

KELLY  
Why?

Xander's face drops.

KELLY  
Oh, I'm sorry. Is this the part where I  
tell you it's a trap?  
(gives them and evil smile)  
Suckers.

Xander looks over at Faith who glares back.

XANDER  
Don't say it. Just don't say it.

FAITH  
Dumbass.

XANDER  
Yeah. That pretty much sums it up.

The vampires standing behind Xander and Faith hit  
them hard knocking them out as we...

GO TO BLACK.

END ACT II

ACT III

EXT. CEMETERY

Jordy and Liv are walking through the cemetery,  
scanning the area. Liv is carrying her large leather satchel filled with weapons galore.

JORDY  
What are we looking for?

LIV  
Anything. Did you see anything  
suspicious?

JORDY  
Not a thing. Of course, knowing what we  
are looking for would be helpful.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Bo peep to lost sheep. This is Crrr-azy  
Cooter comin' at cha! Come back.

Liv rolls here eyes; pulls out her cell/pda and  
shoots Jordy a glare.

LIV  
You had to take her to that movie.

Jordy shrugs.

JORDY  
I'm a sucker for anything narrated by  
Waylon Jennings.

LIV  
(to phone)  
You find anything?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Maya has a stack of papers and a book opened up.

MAYA  
Yeah... I found lots. The birth  
certificate was a dead end. Sunnydale's  
sinking kind of killed any records from  
there.

LIV  
(filtered)  
Swell.

MAYA  
But the foster parents are a different  
story. They've got a paper trail that  
starts right after the sinkhole  
happened. Oh, and "Kay Kistos"? Kelly's  
"foster mom"? Yeah. She doesn't exist.

EXT. CEMETERY

Jordy and Liv give each other a knowing look.

JORDY  
So how did she get past Xander's  
spook-o-vision?

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Don't know. But I haven't even told you  
the most damning evidence.

LIV  
What's that?

MAYA  
(filters)  
The lawyers that handled the foster  
parents' application for Kelly? Wolfram  
and Hart.

JORDY  
Oh... this is so a trap.

LIV  
We better find them before it's-

INT. DESERTED WAREHOUSE

KHAOS  
-not too late! The planetary alignment  
will hold for another thirty minutes. We  
must finish the preparations

Vampires in robes run around the room setting up  
arcane relics. In the middle of the ceremonial  
site is a big old pile of ashes. Khaos and Aoinios  
stand supervising the activity. Kelly stands by  
them smirking. Xander and Faith hang upside down  
from the ceiling from ropes.

FAITH  
Let me guess... Cloven hands... big ass  
pile of ashes... you guys wouldn't be  
any relation to Kakistos out for revenge  
would you?

XANDER  
Kissing-Toast? Did you just say that  
Heckle and Jeckle here are related to  
toast?

Faith rolls her eyes. Khaos ignores Xander.

KHAOS  
Gold star for you, Slayer. Soon our  
master will rejoin us and the Order of  
Kakistos will be reborn.

AIONIOS  
Excuse the rhetoric. We've been waiting  
quite a while for this.

XANDER  
I don't get it. How did...?

Xander motions over to Kelly.

KHAOS  
We fool your "senses"? An associate of  
ours was able to do a little  
mystical/genetic makeover on the girl  
over there. What was his name?

AIONIOS  
Buckwheat? Alfalfa? Something along  
those lines. All those human names sound  
alike. It wasn't hard getting the DNA.  
However the personality-resemblance  
upgrade cost a pretty penny.

KHAOS  
Oh but it was well worth it. Plus we got  
it on the installment plan.

XANDER  
(to Kelly)  
And what did you get out of it?

KELLY  
Duh. Money.

XANDER  
(to Faith)  
Look honey. She's evil. Must take after  
you.

Faith scowls at Xander.

KHAOS  
Such a sweet little girl. All she needed  
was a cheap little charm used by poker  
players to prevent people know when they  
are bluffing and... well here you are.

AIONIOS  
Soon the slayer will be dead and our  
master reborn. Killing the watcher is  
just a bonus.

KELLY  
Wait... You're going to kill them?

FAITH  
Duh. Vampires. What did you think they  
were going to do?

KELLY  
I just... they just said for a ceremony.  
You didn't say anything about killing  
them!

FAITH  
(to Xander)  
Look honey. She's terminally stupid. She  
must take after you.

KELLY  
Hey... I'm all about a swindle but  
killing? No way. I don't want any part  
of this.

KHAOS  
Oh no. We insist you take your reward.

Aionios motions to the vampire standing beside  
Kelly who grabs her head and twists until we hear  
the sickening crunch. Xander and Faith both turn  
their heads away. Khoas and Aionios laugh.

AIONIOS  
You realize we just voided our warranty.

KHAOS  
But by not paying her, we just saved on  
the installment plan.

They laugh again. A vampire approaches from the  
ceremonial area.

VAMPIRE  
Masters. The preparations for the  
ceremony are-

The vampire stops talking in mid-sentence. Khaos  
and Aionios look at each other in confusion.

AIONIOS  
Are what?

Khaos coughs and points at the vampire's chest  
where an arrow is showing. The vampire dissolves  
into dust.

AIONIOS  
Oh crud.

Glass breaks as smoke grenades fly through them. A  
thick smoke envelopes the warehouse.

KHAOS  
No! Not now! Not when our victory is  
close at hand.

XANDER  
Or in your case hoof.

From the smoky room we hear the sounds of  
violence, snarling and the sounds of vampires  
screaming as they fall into dust.

Liv breaks out of the smoke while battling a  
vampire. She stakes the vamp, sees Xander and  
Faith and flings her battle axe across the room,  
slicing through the ropes holding Xander and  
Faith.

The minion vampires rush forward as Xander and  
Faith free themselves. Xander picks up the battle  
axe as Faith leaps into the fray hand to hand.  
Vampire dust starts flying everywhere.

KHAOS  
I think now would be a good time to save  
our hides.

AIONIOS  
I agree.

The two vampires book out of the warehouse.

Jordy steps out from the smoke in partial werewolf  
mode. He snarls as two more vampires approach. They  
quickly run out of the building as Liv, Xander and  
Faith finish off the remaining vampires.

Jordy huffs and puffs. He looks down at his  
partially transformed body and concentrates. He  
looks worried.

LIV  
Jordy? Are you okay?

Jordy concentrates some more and his features  
return to normal. He smiles.

JORDY  
I'm fine.

Liv gives him a dubious look.

JORDY  
Seriously.

Liv looks over toward the corner where Xander and  
Faith are standing over Kelly's body.

LIV  
Oh no.

Liv rushes over toward them.

LIV  
Mr. Harris.... I'm... I'm sorry. I tried  
to tell you, but-

XANDER  
It's okay Liv.

LIV  
I'm... sorry she wasn't your daughter.

Xander looks sadly down at the body. He puts an  
arm around Liv.

XANDER  
So am I.

END ACT III

ACT IV

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

Liv, Maya and Jordy walk through the graveyard.  
They're dressed in their Sunday best.

JORDY  
Looks really different in daylight.

LIV  
I don't like it.

MAYA  
What? Not creepy or life threatening  
enough for you?

LIV  
No. I don't like this.

Liv gestures offscreen.

LIV  
It's just-

ANGLE ON: GRAVE SITE

Xander and Lucy stand together holding hands, also  
dressed nicely. Faith stands a little apart from  
them, dressed in a black... leather. Lucy kisses  
Xander on the cheek and walks toward the Odd  
Squad.

LIV  
(OS)-weird.

LUCY  
Hey kids. C'mon. I'll take you home.

LIV  
Mom... I don't get it. I mean... the kid  
almost had them killed and they're...  
well they're not acting like I expected  
them too.

Lucy puts her arm around her daughter and kisses  
her forehead.

LUCY  
Someday, you might understand.

Liv rolls her eyes.

LIV  
Somehow I sense we're about to do a lot  
of Mother-Daughter bonding activities.

JORDY  
Cool.

Lucy, Liv and Maya give Jordy a weird look.

JORDY  
It's been three months since I had a  
good excuse to see Steel Magnolias.

LUCY  
You're a pretty strange kid, you know  
that, right?

MAYA  
Is Xander going to be okay?

Lucy puts her arm around Maya and gives her a  
little hug as they walk off.

LUCY  
Yeah... he'll be all right.

MAYA  
Somehow I sense we're about to do a lot  
of mother-surrogate daughter bonding  
activities.

JORDY  
Does this mean we can rent Fried Green  
Tomatoes too?

Lucy laughs as the group walks off together.

EXT. KELLY'S GRAVESITE

Xander and Faith stand at the grave looking at the  
tombstone.

XANDER  
How you doing?

FAITH  
Five by freaked.

XANDER  
Yeah.

Faith wipes a tear from her face.

XANDER  
You okay?

FAITH  
No. It's not everyday you find out you  
have a genetically brewed daughter  
programmed to betray you to the highest  
bidder.

XANDER  
So why the tears?

FAITH  
You ever think about it?

XANDER  
About what?

FAITH  
What would have happened if I took your  
offer?

XANDER  
You mean when I... ?

FAITH  
Yeah.

XANDER  
Honestly? No.

Faith looks at him.

XANDER  
That train of thought usually derails  
when I remember...

Xander unconsciously rubs his throat. Faith looks  
away guiltily.

FAITH  
Yeah. I guess it would.

They stand in silence for a moment.

FAITH  
I do.

Xander gives her a curious look.

FAITH  
I think about it all the time. I think  
about all of the chances I had. The  
Christmas I spent with B. You reaching  
out. Fang and his endless speeches. I  
think about what would have happened if  
I took one of those chances before...

More tears run down Faith's face as she moves the  
dirt around the grave with her foot.

FAITH  
Now I've got one more possibility to  
think about.

Xander gingerly put his arm around her shoulder.

FAITH  
Maybe... there's a world where I did  
take your offer. Where maybe you and I  
did have that kid.

Xander smiles grimly.

XANDER  
World without shrimp.

Faith laughs cynically through her tears.

FAITH  
I'm mean sure... the kid was bad. She's  
had me in her blood. No matter what kind  
of genetical programming she had... she  
would have still been bad. But she's got a  
bit of you Harris. So she couldn't have  
been all bad. Right?

XANDER  
Faith...

Faith stops Xander with a look.

 

FAITH  
She and I? We had a connection. And  
maybe in that shrimp world... well... we  
would have still hated each other's guts  
but... the least I can do is give her a  
good cry.

Faith begins to sob for a few seconds and tries to get contol of herself.  
Xander gently turns her  
toward himself and they move into a loose embrace  
with Faith crying on his shoulder.

XANDER  
It may be too late now Faith... but if  
you need a friend. I'm here. I may not  
have shown it, but I always have been.

Faith gently pulls herself away and wipes the  
tears from her eyes.

FAITH  
God. When did I turn into a wuss?

XANDER  
Nothing to be ashamed about.

FAITH  
(appreciative)  
Thanks. Listen... I... uh...

XANDER  
Yeah. I know. Gotta motor, right?

Faith gives Xander a look filled with regret and  
sorrow. She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek  
and then thumbs away some of her lipstick. She  
gives him a sad smile.

FAITH  
Later Harris.

Faith walks away. Xander stands and looks at the  
grave.

ANGLE ON: HEADSTONE

Kelly Harris  
\---  
Another time...  
Another place...

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	7. Pongo's Big Adventure

PREVIOUSLY ON THE WATCHER....

From "Closure"  
INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE  
Fred is introducing new "technology" to Angel and the team.

FRED  
This tool will revolutionize the way we investigate ethereal matters.

Wesley holds up what appears to be a "Magic Eight Ball".

WES  
You must be joking. This actually works?

INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - LATER  
Angel and Xander sit alone in Angel's Office.

ANGEL  
So is this it? Are you done with the demon world and all its black magic?

XANDER  
I don't know. Seems I can never get away, no matter where I run to.

Angel picks up the Magic Eight ball.

ANGEL  
Here.  
(tosses ball to Xander)  
Next time you find yourself dealing with a creature of the night, this might be of use.

From "Training Day":

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander looks at the table and spies the Magic Eight Ball. He picks it up and tosses it from one

hand to the other.

XANDER  
Oh mysterious and all-knowing magic  
eight ball! Will the swedish bikini  
team be dropping by tonight with  
pizza and beer?

The Answer: Signs point to No.

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
Could've guessed the answer to that one.  
(beat)  
Am I doing the right thing here?

The Answer: Yes, definitely.

From "That Old Familiar Feeling":

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Lucy, Liv, Maya, Xander and Brad stand among the remains of smashed magical relics.

XANDER  
Where's the eight ball?

BRAD  
Eight ball? It's over there  
(points to a broken eight ball lying on  
Maya's puppet)  
I smashed it. Was that bad?

Xander stumbles over and picks up the broken parts of the eight  
ball.

XANDER  
This is not good.

MAYA  
Brad! What were you thinking?

BRAD  
How was I supposed to know?

XANDER  
What am I going to do now?

VOICE(OS)  
Reply hazy. Ask again later.

The entire group stops and looks over at...

ANGLE ON:  
The puppet.

LIV  
(freaked)  
Did... Did...

BRAD  
(also freaked)  
Did that thing just talk?

The puppet gives a "puppet smile" and waves at the group. It's  
voice is somewhat cartoonish.

PUPPET  
Signs point to yes!

The group stands dumbfounded. Except for Liv who faints and  
falls flat on her face.

From "Solo":

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

Xander and Liv talk while watching Pongo.

XANDER  
He's not evil, Liv. He's a creature called  
Ekul Reklawyks. Dawn looked him up for me.

LIV  
What's a Ekool Reklaw-whatever you called  
it?

XANDER  
It's actually part of a gestation stage for  
an Oracle spirit. At this point they can't  
make any prophecies, but they are keyed in  
on what is the truth. Usually they don't  
take physical form in our dimension, so I  
guess you can say we're lucky to have him.

LIV  
Can we just stuff him back in the eight  
ball?

END PREVIOUSLY

 

TEASER

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BASEMENT

Spike lies asleep in bed. He rolls over and  
snuggles up with a pillow. Only problem? Not a  
pillow, it's Pongo. As Spike snuggles up to Pongo,  
Pongo (also asleep) snuggles back.

This of course wakes up Spike who opens his eyes  
sees the Puppet and wigs.

SPIKE  
Bloody hell!

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

Pongo flies and bounces off the wall at the top of  
the steps.

SPIKE(OS)  
If you ever do that again I'm  
stuffing you through the sodding paper  
shredder!

XANDER(OS)  
Spike! What the hell is going on  
down there!

Xander comes barreling down the steps, knocks  
Pongo over and sends him flying into the kitchen,  
knocking off Pongo's nose. Xander doesn't notice  
and continues to stomp down into the basement.

SPIKE(OS)  
That idiot puppet of yours was  
snuggling up to me again!

XANDER(OS)  
Ohhh... Was Spikey feeling lonely?

Pongo pulls himself off the floor and dust himself  
off. When he realizes his nose is gone he panics.

PONGO  
Outlook not good!

SPIKE(OS)  
You better keep a lid on the puppet  
Harris or I'll rip out your spleen and  
have it for lunch!

Pongo finds his nose, dusts it off and puts it  
back on his face.

XANDER(OS)  
Glad to see that soul of yours is  
working out so well for you.

Pongo goes over to the coffee machine, pulls out a  
jar of coffee and loads it up in the machine.

SPIKE(OS)  
Bugger off!

XANDER(OS)  
Look, if you're not happy about  
living here-

SPIKE(OS)  
Bloody right I don't like living  
here! Between you, dog-boy and the  
puppet I can't get a good day's sleep  
around here!

XANDER(OS)  
Oh like having you around is a  
stroll in the park!

SPIKE(OS)  
What's that supposed to mean?!

Pongo starts the coffee machine and heads toward  
the main room and turns on the TV which almost  
drowns out the sound of Spike and Xander's  
bickering.

NEWSCASTER  
(filtered)  
-rise in gang activity, Lt. Lockley had  
this to say...

WOMAN'S VOICE  
(filtered)  
It is not uncommon for small towns such  
as this to be used as a so-called port  
in the trafficking of drugs like... oh  
say PCP...

Jordy comes down the steps and approaches Pongo.

JORDY  
Hey Pongo... um I've been having this...  
problem lately.

PONGO  
It is decidedly so.

Jordy doesn't like the sound of that.

JORDY  
Is there-

XANDER(OS)  
All I'm saying is would it kill you  
to pick the towels off the floor?!

Spike and Xander come into the kitchen. Xander  
goes to the coffee machine and Spike goes to the  
fridge and pulls out a bag of blood.

SPIKE  
Would it kill you to write down  
wheetabix on the shopping list when you  
finish it off?!

Xander fixes a cup of coffee and Spike nukes a  
"mug 'o blood" in the microwave.

XANDER  
After what I saw you do what you do with  
that stuff? Yeah. I really got a craving  
for 'blood 'n cereal'.

JORDY  
Oh sorry. That was me. But it was more  
milk and cereal than blood.

SPIKE  
Why don't you stick to eating Alpo and  
leave my stuff alone?

XANDER  
Jordy, why am I getting calls from  
Sister Margaret regarding you cutting  
class?

Jordy shrugs. Spike snorts.

JORDY  
It was mostly slayer-

SPIKE  
Like you're a good example.

Xander shoots Spike a glare.

XANDER  
Jordy? What's the rule?

JORDY  
Do as you say, not as you did.

XANDER  
So there. So was all of it slayer  
related?

JORDY  
Um... Pretty much none really.

Xander shakes his head.

XANDER  
Jordy...

NEWSCASTER  
(filtered)  
And now we go to Andrea Cambern on  
location for what appears to be a very  
prognostic anniversary.

Pongo turns to the TV where a Woman Newscaster is  
standing outside the Frick and Frack Novelty  
store.

WOMAN NEWSCASTER  
(filtered)  
Thirty years ago today, a decision  
making toy was born and has since provided  
years of enjoyment and fun. That toy...  
The magic eight ball.

The woman holds up a magic eight ball and the  
camera does a close up. Pongo looks at the screen  
and begins to shake and he grabs his head like it  
is about to pop. He gets closer and closer to the  
screen and all sound fades out as he stares at the  
eight ball on the telly. Just when the shaking is  
about to be at it's worst...

PONGO  
Outlook not so good.

Pongo snaps out of it.

WOMAN NEWSCASTER  
...ensuring fun for generations to come.

Spike slams his blood mug down on the table next  
to Xander's.

SPIKE  
It's not the bloody same!

Xander is waving around a box of wheat chex.

XANDER  
It's wheat! It got an "X" at the end!  
What's the difference?!

PONGO  
Outlook not good!

NEWSCASTER  
(filtered)  
So what would the eight ball say about  
you and I getting together tonight,  
Andrea?

JORDY  
Hey guys? I've gotta get going. Can we  
do this later?

WOMAN NEWSCASTER  
(filtered)  
I'd say "Don't count on it", Jerry.

Pongo taps Jordy on the leg trying to get his  
attention.

PONGO  
Outlook not good!

Jordy pushes Pongo away.

NEWSCASTER  
(filtered)  
Well maybe Wally could use it to improve  
his forecasting?

XANDER  
Jordy, are doing okay? You seem really  
out of sorts lately.

JORDY  
I'm fine.

Pongo is bouncing around trying to get everyone's  
attention.

PONGO  
Outlook not so goooood!

XANDER  
You sure you don't want to talk?

JORDY  
I'm fine!

Pongo starts beating the TV with the remote.

PONGO  
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD!!

SPIKE  
Will somebody shut that bloody thing  
up?!

XANDER  
What is it Pongo?

Pongo sighs in frustration and points at the TV.

PONGO  
Outlook not so good!

Jordy looks at the TV.

WEATHERMAN  
(filtered)  
....with highs in the upper 60's this  
evening. Tomorrow will be partly cloudy  
with a thirty percent chance of rain...

JORDY  
Looks like Wally the weatherman is wrong  
about the forecast again.

Pongo starts waving his arms around in frantic  
puppet mode.

PONGO  
Sources say No! Sources say No!

Suddenly a seam in Pongo's arm pops open and some  
fluff leaks out.

XANDER  
Jeez Pongo... that's like the third seam  
this week.

SPIKE  
Can't we neuter him or something?

XANDER  
He's a puppet, not a puppy! What exactly  
are we supposed to... neuteralize?

SPIKE  
I say we start with the head and go from  
there.

Pongo sighs in frustration. Jordy starts to head  
out the door.

JORDY  
I better get going...

XANDER  
Jordy-

JORDY  
I'm fine!

Jordy slams the door behind him. Xander sighs and  
picks up his mug.

SPIKE  
What's wrong with Lassie?

Spike crumbles some wheat chex into his mug and  
stirs it.

XANDER  
I don't know. He's been acting strange  
for the past week.

SPIKE  
Maybe we should neuter him.

XANDER  
(not funny)  
Ha.

Both Xander and Spike sip from their respective  
mugs, make a face of disgust and spew the contents  
from their mouths.

They exchange mugs. Xander takes a sip of his  
actual coffee to clear his mouth, makes another  
face of disgust and spits it out.

XANDER  
God! That's horrible.  
(looks in cup)  
What's that floating in there?

SPIKE  
Wheat Chex. Told you it wasn't the same.

Pongo stares wistfully at the TV.

PONGO  
(mournfully)  
Outlook not so good.

And another seam on the other arm pops open  
sending out more fluff.

Pongo sighs as we...

END TEASER

 

ACT I

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Pongo frantically goes through the yellow pages  
like a mad... uh.. puppet. Finally he comes across  
a large ad for Frick and Frack's Novelties. He  
grabs the phone and dials the number.

VOICE  
(filtered)  
Frick and Frack's Novelties. Home of the  
rubber chicken. Can I help you?

PONGO  
Signs point to yes.

VOICE  
(filtered)  
Uh... great. Is there something specific  
you are looking for?

PONGO  
Yes. Definitely.

An awkward pause ensues.

VOICE  
Are you going to tell me what you want  
or do I have to guess?

Pongo opens his mouth to try and say something but  
he can't force the words out. So instead he  
says...

PONGO  
Yes.

VOICE  
(filtered)  
Look bud. I don't have time to be  
messing around. Are you going to tell me  
what you want?

Again with the Pongo hesitation.

PONGO  
Sources say no.

Without a word from the other side the line goes  
dead. Pongo starts beating the phone on the floor.

PONGO  
Outlook not good! Outlook not good.

Suddenly a hand pulls the phone out of Pongo's  
mitts. Pongo is turned around to see a very  
serious Spike

SPIKE  
See hear young... thing. This is a  
phone. Not a toy. Xander would be very  
upset to learn that you've been making  
phone calls so you better stop-

Spike thinks about that for a moment.

SPIKE  
Pfft. Why should I care? Here...

Spike hands the phone back to Pongo.

SPIKE  
If you need help with international  
calls, let me know.

Spike hops on the couch and starts channel  
surfing. Xander comes down the stairs.

XANDER  
Hey Pongo. We're out of needles and  
thread. Actually... we've never had  
thread or needles. So...

Xander holds up a roll of duct tape.

XANDER  
We'll improvise.

Pongo gives the tape roll a look of horror.

PONGO  
Sources say no!

Xander picks up Pongo and places on the kitchen  
island and starts patching Pongo with duct tape.

PONGO  
Sources say no.

XANDER  
Yeah well, I say yes.

Spike is flipping through channels and stops on a  
TV commercial.

ANNOUNCER  
(filtered)  
Come on down to Frick and Frack's for  
the finest in tricks and gags that will  
amaze and astound your friends!

Pongo starts vibrating again and another seam pops  
open. Pongo points at the TV.

PONGO  
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD!

XANDER  
Pongo!

Just as Spike changes the channel.

WEATHERMAN  
(filtered)  
...with a thirty percent chance for  
rain. Tomorrow...

Xander gives Pongo an exasperated look.

XANDER  
Okay Pongo. We get it. Bad weather  
forecast.

PONGO  
Sources say no! Sources say no!

Spike tosses the remote on the table

SPIKE  
How the hell am I supposed to watch the  
telly with that stuffed poofta going off  
every five minutes?

XANDER  
Gee Spike. I feel your sorrow. How will  
you ever enjoy another episode of  
Passions?

SPIKE  
Fine. I'll just do some work in the  
basement.

Spike pulls a pick-axe out of the weapons cabinet.

SPIKE  
Don't mind the noise.

Xander is to engrossed in patching up Pongo to  
notice.

XANDER  
Whatever.

Spike heads downstairs as Xander patches the final  
seam on Pongo.

XANDER  
There. Isn't that better?

PONGO  
Sources say no.

XANDER  
Look, when I get a chance I'll pick up  
some-

A loud thump is heard from the basement, followed  
by a couple more.

XANDER  
Oh crap!

Xander runs downstairs.

XANDER(OS)  
You are not digging a tunnel to the  
main sewer line!

SPIKE(OS)  
I thought you told me to spend more  
time out of the house.

Pongo hops off the kitchen island; grabs the phone  
and hits redial.

VOICE  
(filtered)  
Frick and Frack's Novelties. Home of the  
rubber chicken. Can I help you?

AUDREY(VO)  
Yes...

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S - LIBRARY

Audrey sits at the library table with her friends  
talking on her cell phone.

AUDREY  
I'm calling in to voice a complaint? I  
ordered a new ipod that was supposed to  
come in a metallic rose pink but instead  
came in a metallic light pink and I'd  
like to know why your company is so  
fashion impaired to make such a large  
fashion error?

We pan over to the next table where Maya and Liv.  
Both have their heads lying down on the table  
looking at Audrey in sheer boredom.

MAYA  
Worst. Job. Ever.

Liv can barely keep her eyes open.

LIV  
Tell me again how she's supposed to save  
the world?

MAYA  
My most recent theory is that an evil  
demon attempts to suck her brain out and  
dies of starvation.

AUDREY  
Hello! They are two totally different  
colors. Are you blind?

Liv rolls her eyes.

LIV  
But what of her useless knowledge of  
clothing trends? All that information  
would be lost for the ages. Everyone  
would be forced to wear flared jeans and  
velour for the rest of their lives.

MAYA  
Oh. The horror. If she'd only use her  
fashion powers for good instead of evil.

LIV  
The world would be a better place.

Jordy approaches and sits down at he table.

JORDY  
You two look mellower than usual.

MAYA  
We're playing "World without Audrey".

JORDY  
How's that going?

LIV  
The world would be safer and happier but  
less fashionable.

JORDY  
I can live with that.

LIV  
You'd have to wear flared jeans for the  
rest of your life.

JORDY  
Okay, that I'd have to think about.

MAYA  
Where were you this morning?

JORDY  
Caught in the house of dysfunction.

LIV  
Again?

JORDY  
Spike and Xander, I can usually handle,  
but Pongo was in rare form this morning.

MAYA  
What crawled up his fluff?

JORDY  
Something about the weather.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Pongo is on the phone again. He is very agitated.

VOICE  
(filtered)  
No! Stop calling here!

PONGO  
Outlook not so good!

VOICE  
(filtered)  
You call here again I swear to God I'm  
calling the police!

PONGO  
Outlook not so good!

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S - LIBRARY

Jordy is continuing with his story.

JORDY  
...so I missed the first part of Trig  
and O'Donnel gave me detention.

MAYA  
Again?

LIV  
Jordy!

Liv flops over on the table hitting her head  
against it. Hard.

JORDY  
What?

MAYA  
Today was your turn to play bodyguard  
for Audrey during cheerleader practice.  
Remember?

LIV  
(depressed)  
Tucker and I were supposed to go over  
the restriction digestion and gel  
electrophoresis on transgenic plants  
with southern hybridization.

MAYA  
Okay... you just made that up right?

Liv pouts.

LIV  
Now we can't go over the results of the  
purified plasmids using the restriction  
enzymes and the agarose gel!!

JORDY  
Can I fear her and be in awe of her at  
the same time?

LIV  
This sucks.

MAYA  
Can't you just bring Tucker to practice?

LIV  
Hello? Bouncing cheerleaders vs. me? I  
don't need the competition.

JORDY  
Why don't you just do it later at your  
house?

MAYA  
She's not allowed to do any lab  
experiments at home after the great  
volcano experiment of 1998.

LIV  
(pouting)  
It was just a small fire.

MAYA  
You made MAGMA!

JORDY  
Magma?

Liv rolls here eyes.

LIV  
It wasn't real magma.

Maya sulks.

MAYA  
Tell that to my Malibu Barbie dream car.

JORDY  
Why don't you go to Xander's? He won't  
mind as long as you set something of  
Spike's on fire.

XANDER(OS)  
Won't mind what?

Xander surprises everyone by sitting down at the  
table.

MAYA  
What are you doing here?

XANDER  
Apparently when you get detention three  
days in a row it's a state law for the  
parent or guardian to be called in and  
be tortured by nuns.

JORDY  
Sorry.

XANDER  
You and I are sooooo having a talk when  
we get home.

LIV  
So can I use your place for an  
experiment with Tucker?

XANDER  
What's a "Tucker"?

MAYA  
Budding crush.

LIV  
No jinxing!

Xander frowns.

XANDER  
Potential boyfriend?

LIV  
Did you hear me with the "no jinxing"? I  
definitely said "no jinxing".

MAYA  
Definite potential.

LIV  
Is anybody listening to me?

XANDER  
I better have him checked out.

LIV  
Checked out? But...

XANDER  
Liv, trust me on this... The boyfriend  
factor when it comes to slayers? Usually  
not a good track record. And let's just  
say that Brad-

LIV  
*NOT* my boyfriend.

XANDER  
Okay... still not a great start.

LIV  
Are you telling me that since I'm a  
slayer my love life is destined to suck?

XANDER  
Well... there's always the exception.  
I'll give him the once over and then  
check with Pongo.

JORDY  
If he's gotten over the weather report.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Pongo is vibrating something fierce. His seams are  
splitting all over the place. The vibrations get  
worse and worse until his puppet body explodes  
violently sending fluff and felt everywhere.

As the dust clears a naked man with blue skin and  
gold hair stands on the remains of the puppet. He  
looks at his hands and body in amazement.

PONGO  
Outlook... not so good.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Pongo now in... well somewhat human form is  
examining his new body in amazement. Suddenly he  
hears footsteps coming up from the basement. Pongo  
gasps, grabs the remains of his puppet shell and  
dives behind the kitchen island as Spike appears  
at top of the stairs. Pongo desperately tries to  
pull the remains of the puppet shell on him  
(trying to pull the puppet head over his own) as  
Spike passes by. Spike is fussing with his leather  
duster and doesn't notice.

SPIKE  
Puppet man. I'm heading off to the  
grocer's for smokes and weetabix.

Spike walks through the main room to the front  
door.

SPIKE  
If Harris asks where I went...

Spike throws his coat above his head and kicks the  
door open.

SPIKE  
Tell him I said to sod off.

The door slams shut behind him as Pongo stands and  
sighs in relief. He looks down at the remains of  
his puppet shell and then looks at his own body.

PONGO  
Very doubtful.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - EVENING

Tucker and Liv are walking up the street to  
Xander's house. Both carry somewhat weird  
containers with chemical goop. Tucker is also  
attempting to carry small potted palm tree.

LIV  
Thanks for meeting with me later.

TUCKER  
No problem! I'm looking forward to  
seeing the results.

LIV  
You okay handling the tree?

Tucker grunts as he shifts the palm tree

TUCKER  
Sure. No problem. It's not heavy at all.  
It's uh... not much farther is it?

LIV  
About another mile.

Tucker groans. Liv giggles and stops in front of  
the walk of Xander's house.

LIV  
I'm kidding. This is it.

Tucker laughs.

TUCKER  
Well aren't you tricky?

LIV  
That's me. I'm tricky. I'm the  
trickster.

Liv laughs nervously and the snorts. She stops  
with a horrified look on her face. Tucker smiles.

LIV  
For the record? That didn't happen.

TUCKER  
If you say so, but... uh.. I thought it  
was kind of cute.

Liv's grin could light up a power grid.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Pongo, now wearing what must be the loudest  
clothes in the universe, is examining himself in  
the mirror. He's quite happy with the new look.

PONGO  
Yes. Definitely.

Pongo pulls out the add from the phone book for  
Frick and Frack's; heads toward the weapons  
cabinet and pulls out a short sword.

PONGO  
Outlook not so good.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE

Liv is looking through her key chain for the right  
key.

TUCKER  
Whose place is this?

LIV  
My mother's boyfriend.

TUCKER  
That's nice of him considering...

LIV  
Considering what?

Tucker smiles and shrugs.

TUCKER  
The last two times we've been together  
something caught on fire.

Liv smiles.

LIV  
Well what he doesn't know won't hurt  
him.

TUCKER  
Yeah it'll just cause property damage.

Liv laughs and unlocks the door.

LIV  
(as she opens the door)  
Yeah, well the third time's a cha-

Liv looks through the door and sees Pongo in his  
blue-skinned/clashing clothes glory holding a  
sword with the puppet carcass lying at his feet.

LIV  
GAAA-AAAH-AAAH!

Pongo screams in shock.

PONGO  
Aaaagggghhh!

Liv slams the door shut.

LIV  
(quickly)  
Uh...listenyoubettergobecause  
there'sabigsewerleakinthere  
andyoureallyshouldn'tbesubjected  
toanythinglikethat.I'llcallyou  
tomorrow.Thanks.Bye.

And with that Liv is through the door, slamming it  
shut behind her. Tucker stands there stunned.

TUCKER  
Okay.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Liv is going into full slayer anger mode.

LIV  
Do you have any idea how much I'm going  
to hurt you?!!

Pongo screams in fear and dives out the window.  
Liv scowls.

LIV  
I told them not to jinx the crush!

Liv looks down at the ground and picks up the  
puppet carcass.

LIV  
Uh-oh.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH STREET.

Pongo runs in fear knocking over Tucker as he  
screams down the street. All of the goop in  
containers and the palm tree fly everywhere.  
Tucker watches as the blue-skinned/badly clashing  
Pongo run away.

TUCKER  
This has got to be the strangest day  
I've ever had.

Author's Note: Just wait.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy is giving Xander a look of death. Xander is  
confused.

XANDER  
What?

LUCY  
You let her do *WHAT*?!

XANDER  
A science exper-

LUCY  
ARE YOU INSANE?!

XANDER  
It's just a-

LUCY  
Did I ever show you the results of the  
"Volcano" experiment?

XANDER  
But-

LUCY  
I've got a crater in the basement floor  
and pieces of a pink plastic corvette  
embedded in the wall!

If Xander could blink? He would at this moment.

XANDER  
Crater?

Xander's cell phone chirps

LIV  
(filtered)  
Mr. Harris! Mr. Harris! We've got a big  
problem!

Lucy and Xander share a look of dread.

XANDER  
Oh boy.

Lucy sighs and sags her shoulders in defeat.

LUCY  
I'll go call the Haz-Mat team. I've got  
them on speed dial.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander stands in front of the broken window with a  
confused look on his face. Lucy and the rest of  
the odd squad stand behind him.

XANDER  
A blue demon wearing a Hawaiian shirt  
and plaid shorts killed Pongo and  
escaped through my window.

LIV  
I'm not saying it had the best fashion  
sense. I'm just telling you what I saw.

LUCY  
But on the bright side... no crater  
filled with magma.

LIV  
(small voice)  
It wasn't really magma.

Lucy scowls at Liv.

LIV  
I was just a kid.

XANDER  
That reminds me. No science experiments  
at my house.

LIV  
Drat.

Jordy holds up the remains of Pongo.

JORDY  
Check it out. Puppet carcass.

MAYA  
Eww.

JORDY  
It's just fluff and felt.

MAYA  
Yeah, but still... "carcass".

Xander takes the remains from Jordy and drops it  
on the table like it was hot.

XANDER  
Huh.

LUCY  
What?

XANDER  
That wasn't a demon that killed Pongo.  
That was Pongo.

LIV  
Oops.

MAYA  
I thought you saw it kill Pongo.

LIV  
I saw a blue thing holding a sword over  
a puppet carcass! What would you think?

LUCY  
How did he become a person or...  
whatever he is?

XANDER  
I don't know, but we better find him.  
You guys split up. Liv take the East  
side of town, Maya and Jordy'll take the  
West.

LIV  
Where exactly are we supposed to look?

XANDER  
I don't know. Think like a puppet.

Xander picks up the puppet carcass and heads to  
the door.

LIV  
Where are you going?

XANDER  
I'm going to see a man about a puppet.

The odd squad snickers. Xander frowns.

XANDER  
That sounded much cooler in my head.

INT. DEMON BAR

Whistler sits in his usual booth, looking at  
racing forms and drinking a pint of dark beer.

XANDER(OS)  
Got a minute?

WHISTLER  
Depends on what you need.

XANDER  
Information.

Xander pulls out the puppet remains of Pongo and  
tosses them on the table.

XANDER  
What can you tell me about this?

Whistler pokes at the remains as Xander sits down  
across from him.

WHISTLER  
I'd say you've got a dog with a teething  
problem.

XANDER  
It used to be an Ekul Reklawyks.

WHISTLER  
In this?

XANDER  
Yep.

WHISTLER  
How did it get in there?

XANDER  
It used to be in a magic eight ball.

WHISTLER  
A what?

XANDER  
Magic eight ball. You know the thing you  
shake and...

WHISTLER  
Yeah okay. And how did it get in there?

XANDER  
Beats me. Got it from Angel when he  
worked at that evil law firm.

WHISTLER  
Evil law- (sighs) Never mind. So how did  
this happen?

XANDER  
From what I could tell? It just popped  
out.

WHISTLER  
So why are you talking to me?

XANDER  
I want to know why.

Whistler inspects the puppet carcass.

WHISTLER  
Good question. Usually an Ekul remains  
in the gestational stage for several  
centuries. Another pair wasn't due for  
at least three more. This one couldn't  
be more than fifty years old.

XANDER  
Did you say pair?

Whistler looks up with concern.

WHISTLER  
You don't have the other one?

XANDER  
No.

WHISTLER  
Okay... this is bad. If an Ekul is  
separated from its mate for an extended  
period of time after it gestates... well  
the affairs of the world will be in a  
state of wonkiness.

XANDER  
Is that the technical term?

WHISTLER  
Yes. Well the one you have should  
have...

XANDER  
I don't have him either.

WHISTLER  
Okay.... let me lay this out for you.  
One: Something mucked with this Ekul  
accelerating its growth. Two: An Ekul on  
its own and unprotected is a bad thing.  
Lot of things that go bump in the night  
would love to get their mitts on this  
thing. Third: You've got to find its counterpart.  
Then bring them to me. I know a place  
where they can be safe.

XANDER  
Where do I find them?

WHISTLER  
Hey... you're the man with the vision.  
I'm just a guy who knows things.

Xander looks at the shredded puppet carcass.

WHISTLER  
Afraid of what you'll see?

Xander looks away.

WHISTLER  
It's the girl isn't it?

Xander says nothing. Whistler picks up his drink  
and his racing form.

WHISTLER  
Bit of advice... When it comes to seeing  
your destiny or the destiny of others,  
treat it like a band-aid. Do it quickly.

Whistler walks away, giving Xander a soft slap on  
the shoulder as goes by.

Xander takes a long look at the puppet carcass and  
reaches out with his index finger to touch it.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Jordy and Maya are kissing each other  
passionately. Maya sits on a gravestone her arms  
wrapped around Jordy's neck. Jordy's are wrapped  
around her waist. They break off the kiss, gasping  
for air.

MAYA  
Shouldn't (gasp) we be (gasp) looking  
for (gasp) Pongo?

JORDY  
(gasp) Probably.

They look into each other's eyes and immediately  
start making out again. Maya breaks it off holding  
Jordy back gently. She leans her head against his  
chest. Both are still out of breath.

MAYA  
Wait. We really (gasp) should be  
looking.

JORDY  
Right. (gasp) You see anything?

MAYA  
No. You?

JORDY  
No.

In less than a second they are back to making out  
again. Jordy begins to kiss Maya's neck as she  
softly moans.

MAYA  
Mmmm. That's ni-

Jordy lets off a soft growl. Maya's eyes pop open.

MAYA  
(scared)  
Jordy?

Jordy snarls.

MAYA  
OW! Jordy!

Maya shoves Jordy away. He falls to the ground and  
shakes his head as though he was in a trance. He  
looks up to see Maya holding her neck. Maya is in  
full panic mode.

JORDY  
Maya?

MAYA  
Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!

JORDY  
What's wrong?

MAYA  
You ASSHOLE!!

JORDY  
What?!

MAYA  
You BIT ME!!

Jordy is all business. Jordy reaches over to move  
Maya's hand. She slaps him away.

JORDY  
Let me see.

MAYA  
Get the hell away from me!

JORDY  
Maya. Let me look.

Maya takes her hand away and Jordy looks. He  
breathes a sigh of relief.

JORDY  
You're okay. It didn't break the skin.

Maya smacks Jordy across the face.

JORDY  
Ow!

MAYA  
You asshole! You told me you had it  
under control!

Jordy steps closer to Maya and tries to hold her.

JORDY  
I thought I did.

Maya shoves him away.

MAYA  
Well you don't!!

Maya and Jordy stand there looking each other.  
Maya drops her gaze and and looks at the ground.

MAYA  
I hate this town.

The PDA/Cell phone chirps.

XANDER  
(filtered)  
Guys... I got it. Meet me at-

EXT. FRICK AND FRACK'S NOVELTY SHOP

XANDER  
(VO)Frick and Frack's Novelty Shop. I'll  
explain everything there.

INT. FRICK AND FRACK'S NOVELTY SHOP

Two older bespeckled gentlemen putter around the  
shop. One is working on something off camera. Both  
have German accents.

WERNER  
Hans? Is it almost ready?

Hans smiles evilly.

HANS  
Patience Werner. Soon we shall be the  
most powerful beings on the planet.

Both cackle as we close in on the object sitting  
in front of Hans.

It's a Magic Eight Ball. And it's beginning to  
vibrate.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. FRICK AND FRACK'S NOVELTY SHOP

Hans and Werner sit on either side of the table.  
Watching the eight ball vibrate and bounce.

WERNER  
Is it supposed to do that?

HANS  
I'm not sure.

PONGO(OS)  
My sources say no.

Hans and Werner turn to see Pongo standing in the  
store trying to look badass.

HANS  
I'm sorry sir, but our store is closed.

Suddenly there is a sword point ed at Hans' throat.  
Hans and Werner exchange a worried look. Nervous  
smiles cross their faces.

WERNER  
But we'd be happy to serve you.

PONGO  
Yes. Definitely.

XANDER(OS)  
Special Agent Pongo! Stand down.

Hans, Werner and Pongo turn to see Xander and the  
rest of the odd squad standing behind them. Xander  
flashes his wallet as though he's some kind of law  
enforcement dude.

XANDER  
FBI. Special Agent Mulder, artifacts  
division. You boys are in violation of  
the magic eight ball statute of 1978.

HANS  
The what?

XANDER  
You'll have to excuse Agent Pongo, he's  
been under deep cover infiltrating a  
bizarre sex cult that worships these  
damn things.  
(to Liv)  
Agent Scully. Please take possession of  
the artifact.  
(to Jordy and Maya)  
Agents Dogget and Reyes, please take  
Agent Pongo to deprogramming.

Hans and Werner exchange blank looks as Liv grabs  
the eight ball and Jordy and Maya pull Pongo away.

HANS  
Werner. They are taking our Eight ball  
away.

WERNER  
We should probably stop them.

Suddenly Hans and Werner's bodies grow to the size  
of giant wrestler. Their heads however still  
remain very little.

LIV  
Oh crap.

XANDER  
So much for the non-violent approach.

PONGO  
Outlook not so good.

LIV  
Duh!

Hans and Werner rush forward at Xander and Liv.

HANS  
You get the girly-girl. I'll get the  
girly-man.

XANDER  
Hey! Who's a girly man?

Hans punches Xander and sends him flying into the  
wall.

XANDER  
(a little dazed)  
Okay... Guess that'd be me.

Maya turns to Jordy with a questioning look.

JORDY  
I.. I don't know if I can.

MAYA  
Oh crap.

WERNER(OS)  
Hold still girly!

ANGLE ON:

Werner as he knocks Liv to the side, knocking  
loose the eight ball. Werner catches it in his  
giant hand.

WERNER  
I've got it!

HANS  
Nothing can stop us now!

PONGO(OS)  
My sources say No!

ANGLE ON:

In slow motion, Pongo leaps into the air... His  
Hawaiian shirt and plaid shorts flutter in the  
breeze as he flies up to the level of Werner and  
Hans' heads and lops them off with his shiny  
sword.

HANS  
Oh.

WERNER  
Crud.

The eight ball flies into the air. Liv races to  
catch it.

LIV  
I got it! I got it!

She jumps and grabs the ball in mid-air.

LIV  
I got it.

...but she lands on two cardboard boxes which  
explode with more magic eight balls. She drops her  
ball in the aftermath and it becomes lost in the  
pile

LIV  
Oh God. Oh God.

Everyone starts digging through the pile.

XANDER  
Where is it? Where-

There is a popping sound, a flash and suddenly a  
half naked woman with blue skin and black hair  
appears from nowhere.

XANDER  
Never mind.

ORACLE WOMAN  
Outlook not so good?

Pongo smiles and takes the hand of his  
"sister-being" and pats it calmly.

PONGO  
Outlook good.

The two blue skinned oracles smile at each other.

Meanwhile Liv sits on a pile of magic eight balls  
and shakes her head.

LIV  
Weirdest. Day. Ever.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

The odd squad, Spike, Whistler and Xander discuss  
the evenings events and help Pongo pack up to  
leave.

JORDY  
Pongo, no. You cannot take the remote  
control.

Pongo frowns.

PONGO  
Outlook not so good.

SPIKE  
(to Xander)  
So if he's Pinocchio that must make  
you...

XANDER  
Shut up Spike.

SPIKE  
Did you wish upon a star and have a chat  
with a little cricket?

XANDER  
Again with the shut up.

WHISTLER  
I don't get it. You sure they were  
Nikrat demons? They don't have the juice  
to accelerate the growth of an Ekul.

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
That's okay. I have a pretty good idea  
who does.

WHISTLER  
Well then I guess we better get going.

Liv gives Pongo a quick hug and a smile.

LIV  
Goodbye Pongo. I'm sorry I was so-

Pongo suddenly takes Liv in his arms and kisses  
her passionately. Liv is swept away by the kiss.

The rest of the odd squad watch stunned as  
they go on... and on... and on...

Pongo's "sister" is not amused.

SPIKE  
Well, I guess Pinocchio really is a boy.

XANDER  
Uh... Pongo?

Pongo gently pulls himself away from the kiss. Liv  
is totally discombobulated.

LIV  
Wow.

Pongo releases her and Liv just falls to the  
floor. Maya gives Pongo the hairy eyeball as he  
steps forward.

MAYA  
Uh... I'll miss you too Pongo.

Pongo steps forward arms set for a big hug. Maya  
just extends her hand.

MAYA  
Let's just shake on it.

As they shake, Whistler steps forward and puts his  
hand on Pongo's shoulder.

WHISTLER  
C'mon buddy. We got a flight to catch.

Everyone ad-libs goodbyes except for Liv who is  
still a puddle on the floor.

MAYA  
So where do you think they are heading?

JORDY  
Greece. Rome. I'm thinking some place  
with a lot of laurel leaves and columns.

Jordy tries to put his arm around Maya's waist.  
She steps away from him. They share a look.

JORDY  
What do you think Liv?

Liv sits on the floor, a puddle of emotional mush.

LIV  
Wow.

EXT. LOS ANGELES - US POST OFFICE

TITLE - Los Angeles, CA. US Post Office - Two days  
later.

Whistler and his two blue friends stand outside  
the building.

WHISTLER  
I know, it doesn't look like much. Trust  
me. It's home.

Pongo and his sister look at each other and shrug.

PONGO  
Signs point to yes.

Whistler smiles and walks into the building and  
the two budding oracles follow.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

Amy and the Vizier watch Whistler and the young  
oracles enter the building via a mystical window.

The vizier and Amy smile at each other.

VIZIER  
Scratch one Oracle.

Amy smirks.

AMY  
Scratch one-

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

AMY(VO)  
-werewolf.

Jordy opens the door from the outside and drops  
his book bag at the door.

JORDY  
Sorry I'm late. I had detention-

Jordy looks up to see Xander, Liv and Maya  
standing in the kitchen. Maya's eyes are bloodshot  
from crying and is holding onto Liv for support.

Oz stands in front of them. Packed suitcases are  
on the floor.

JORDY  
(stunned)  
-Again.

Nobody says anything.

JORDY  
So.

Insert awkward pause here.

JORDY  
What's going on?

OZ  
We thought it might be best if you come  
with me for a while.

JORDY  
What's "a while"?

OZ  
Until it's safe.

Jordy drops his head.

JORDY  
I'm sorry, I-

XANDER  
It's not your fault Jordy.

LIV  
And you'll be back.

Jordy lifts his head to look at Maya.

Maya walks over and they hug each other tightly.

JORDY  
I'm sorry.

MAYA  
You better write me or I'm going to to  
have to kick that fuzzy butt of yours when  
you get back.

They smile. They kiss gently.

JORDY  
I'll be back.

MAYA  
I'll be here.

OZ  
C'mon Jordy.

Jordy and Maya kiss one more time. Maya steps away  
as Oz and Jordy pick up the suitcases and head out  
the door. Jordy turns and looks back on the odd  
squad and gives them a small smile.

He turns and walks out the door following Oz. As  
soon as the door shuts Maya bursts into tears. Liv  
holds onto her friend as she sobs into her  
shoulder.

GO TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	8. Hero Inside

TEASER

EXT. CAPE KENNETH - MOCKINGBIRD LANE

Xander and Lucy walk down the street with their  
arms around each other.

LUCY  
I don't see what the big deal is.

XANDER  
Oompa-Loompas are short, orange, have  
green hair and sing amusing anecdotes.  
That... that was just wrong.

LUCY  
I should have never told you what they  
looked like.

XANDER  
Just because I'm blind doesn't mean I  
can't have oompa loompa standards.

LUCY  
Right. Got it. Orange with green hair.  
I'll write the MPAA and make sure that  
Tim Burton gets fined for the violation.

XANDER  
While you're at it, can you find out the  
status of my complaint about Planet of  
the Apes?

LUCY  
You are a very strange man.

XANDER  
What gave it away?

LUCY  
Whenever you mouth opens, strangeness  
just comes out.

They stop in front of Lucy's house and walk to the  
door.

LUCY  
Not that I mind strangeness. In fact  
strangeness would be quite welcome to  
come inside for some "quality" time.

XANDER  
What about Liv?

Lucy unlocks the door and then leans her back  
against it. She smiles seductively.

LUCY  
After patrolling she'll be sleeping over  
at Maya's.

XANDER  
Really?

LUCY  
So... you interested in coming inside  
Mr. Harris?

XANDER  
Let me think about that for a second.

They grab each other and kiss against the front  
door. Lucy fumbles with the doorknob and they  
stumble into...

INT. THE BRONZE

Xander stumbles into the Bronze. Lucy is nowhere  
to be seen. Instead of his standard sunglasses,  
Xander has his old eyes back. Soft music plays.  
Xander sighs.

XANDER  
Welcome once again to the weirdness that  
never ends.

Spike walks across the room. Well "walk" is being  
generous. Strings are tied to every appendage as  
though he was a marionette. He walks like a  
puppet.

XANDER  
Hey Spike. Nice strings. Think you can  
tell me how to get back to reality? 'Cuz  
I got a hot date tonight and...

Spike "walks" right by Xander without  
acknowledging his presence.

XANDER  
Hmm. Spike's ignoring me. Things are  
looking up. Why can't that happen in  
reality?

Audrey appears beside Xander.

AUDREY  
Okay... Are you just dense or playing  
dumb? Can't you see what that is?

XANDER  
I usually avoid anything that has to do  
with him.

Cordelia appears on the other side of Xander  
wearing the exact same outfit as Audrey.

CORDELIA  
(to Audrey)  
He's not deficient. He's just in denial.

AUDREY  
Great, so while the big bad plays ten  
little Indians I'm up a river in Egypt  
without a paddle.

XANDER  
You two know each other?

AUDREY  
What? Just because we're both  
cheerleaders and obnoxious you think we  
know each other? My path is totally  
different from hers.

CORDELIA  
I take it back. He is deficient.

Audrey and Cordelia turn on their heels and walk  
off in different directions.

VOICE(OS)  
Sit. I said sit!

Xander turns to see Maya and Jordy standing by the  
pool tables. Maya has a dog biscuit in her hand  
and is waving it at Jordy.

MAYA  
Jordy.... sit!

Jordy rolls his eyes.

JORDY  
Yeah. That's not going to work.

XANDER  
What are you guys doing?

MAYA  
I'm helping Jordy tame his inner poodle.  
Sit!

Jordy does nothing, he gives Xander a sly smile.

JORDY  
I'm being difficult.

Maya pouts.

MAYA  
Bad Jordy! No Biscuit!

JORDY  
Have you ever tasted a dog biscuit? It  
tastes like ass. I'm not sitting for  
something that tastes like ass.

MAYA  
Sure. You'll drink something that tastes  
like feet, but won't eat something that  
tastes like ass. Why can't you be more  
like Liv?

Xander looks over to see Liv waltzing around the  
dance floor. By herself. Wearing flannel pajamas  
and combat boots.

XANDER  
What's Liv doing?

JORDY  
Learning to deal.

XANDER  
I don't get it.

MAYA  
You don't need to.

VOICE(OS)  
That part doesn't go there.

Xander turns to see WESLEY and GILES dressed in  
mechanic's uniforms. They stand in front of a  
large and incomprehensible machine. Cogs, tools,  
springs and pipes are spread around them. Wesley  
is holding up a large cog with a confused look on  
his face.

WESLEY  
Then where is it supposed to go?

GILES  
Next to the XHT-3811.

Wesley nods and puts the cog in its proper place  
on the machine.

XANDER  
What are you guys working on?

Wesley and Giles turn and give Xander a cold look.

WESLEY  
We're just trying to get things back on  
track.

XANDER  
Can I help?

Wesley and Giles' looks turn from cold to angry.

GILES  
(annoyed)  
Haven't you done enough damage already?

WESLEY  
We'll be lucky if this ever works again.

XANDER  
Damage?

Willow walks up beside Xander drinking a soda.

WILLOW  
They're talking about what we did.

XANDER  
Did what?

WILLOW  
Well... I only did it once with you. You  
on the other hand must have done it  
three or four times at least.

WESLEY  
Oh... much more than that. You're just  
the continuous fly in the ointment,  
aren't you Harris? In fact if it wasn't  
for you this whole thing would be  
working perfectly.

GILES  
Ah! Here's the problem.

Giles reaches into the machine and pulls out a  
wrench. He hands it to Xander.

GILES  
I believe this belongs to you?

WESLEY  
I'm afraid you'll all have to be  
punished for this.

XANDER  
For what exactly?

WILLOW(OS)  
Isn't it obvious?

Xander turns and looks to see Willow, her face and  
white shirt are covered in a spray of blood.

WILLOW  
Haven't we been punished enough?

GILES  
Not until everything is in its proper  
place.

Willow sighs.

WILLOW  
That will take forever.

GILES  
Well, we're not leaving until we get it  
right.

VOICE(OS)  
It's all my fault.

Xander turns to see Buffy and Dawn sitting at the  
bar. Buffy is pouting. Dawn is rolling her eyes.

BUFFY  
If it wasn't for me none of this would  
have happened.

DAWN  
Tell me about it..

XANDER  
Buffy! Dawnster! At last people who  
won't be cryptic.

DAWN  
(to Buffy)  
Told you he'd recognize me.

BUFFY  
That won't last forever. Soon we'll all  
be against him.

XANDER  
And it looks like I'd be wrong.

DAWN  
You'll always remember me, won't you  
Xander?

XANDER  
Why wouldn't I?

BUFFY  
You know how it is. Things change. Just  
like-

Buffy snaps her fingers

EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH

BUFFY(VO)  
-that.

Xander stands in the grassy fields of a savannah.

XANDER  
How far down does this rabbit hole go?

IGQHIRA  
(OS)You haven't even begun to dig.

Xander turns to see three graves that have been  
dug in the ground. The Igqhira stands in the  
third grave with a shovel, digging away. Xander  
frowns.

XANDER  
Who are you digging those for Iggy?

IGQHIRA  
They all belong to you. Who goes where  
is your choice.

XANDER  
Three people? Three people will die?

IGQHIRA  
Only two. The third is the Kosoko's. You  
already dug her grave.

XANDER  
Why is it dug up then?

IGQHIRA  
She's come back to restore the balance.  
To even the score.

XANDER  
How do I stop her?

Igqhira shakes his head.

IGQHIRA  
Haven't you learned your lesson yet?  
These holes will be filled. It's only a  
matter of time.

XANDER  
You've got to give me something better  
to go on.

Igqhira sighs.

IGQHIRA  
I've already given you what I can. The  
rest is up to you.

VOICE(VO)  
Xander?

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE

Xander is lying down on the couch... blind again.  
Lucy hovers over him. She holds an ice pack to his  
head.

LUCY  
Xander?

Xander shudders.

XANDER  
Hey.

LUCY  
You fell and knocked your head and then-

XANDER  
I'm okay.

LUCY  
You sure?

XANDER  
Yeah.

LUCY  
Is there something you want to tell me?

Xander gives her a wary look.

XANDER  
What do you mean?

LUCY  
Because you were talking the whole time.

Xander gives her a look of horror.

LUCY  
Whose graves were being dug? And why  
didn't you tell me this before?

END TEASER

 

ACT I

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

Xander and Lucy sit across from each other. The  
expression of Lucy's face ranges from shocked to  
bewildered.

XANDER  
...-and that's when I woke up.

Lucy sits there stunned.

LUCY  
David Lynch is going to be pissed when  
he learns that you have better dreams  
than he does.

XANDER  
He can have them for all I care.

Lucy hesitates.

LUCY  
You never answered my question.

XANDER  
I don't know who they are for. I just  
know I can't let them be filled.

Lucy looks down and plays with her coffee cup.

LUCY  
Is one of them supposed to be for Liv?

Xander reaches across the table and takes her  
hand.

XANDER  
I'm not going to let that happen.

LUCY  
Promise?

XANDER  
I swear on everything that is holy.

Lucy gives him a small smile.

XANDER  
I won't let that happen.

LUCY  
What about the third grave? The one that  
belonged to the kokomo?

XANDER  
Kosoko.

LUCY  
Yeah. What's that supposed to be?

XANDER  
The kosoko is a digging tool.

Xander hesitates.

XANDER  
It's used to dig graves.

INT. BUFALARI'S HALLWAY

The bell rings. The hallway fills with kids on  
their way to the next class. Liv and Tucker exit  
the same room laughing.

TUCKER  
Well, at least nothing exploded this  
time.

LIV  
No, we just melted Pyrex.

TUCKER  
What can I say? When we're together we  
are just one hot couple.

Tucker and Liv react with awkward attraction.

TUCKER  
That... sounded different in my head.

LIV  
Couple?

TUCKER  
(coughs)  
Well a couple of people being lab  
partners.

LIV  
(disappointed)  
Oh. Right. Partners.

TUCKER  
Unless...

LIV  
(hopeful)  
Unless?

TUCKER  
You... um... doing anything Friday?

Liv smiles.

LIV  
Maybe. I have a flexible work schedule.

TUCKER  
Well, I know girls don't like to be  
asked at the last minute.

LIV  
Well most girls aren't as flexible as  
me.

Tucker looks at Liv with a raised eyebrow. Liv  
blushes

LIV  
(stammers)  
That is... I'm flexible.. about... time  
management.

TUCKER  
Maybe I should just give this part of  
the conversation the band-aid treatment.

They stop in the hallway and face each other. Liv  
is holding her breath in excitement.

LIV  
Okay.

TUCKER  
You want to go to the dance with me  
Friday?

LIV  
Dance?

TUCKER  
Yeah. You know. Homecoming.

Liv looks up behind Tucker to see the Memorial  
Wall. Still there is the glossy 8x10 of Brad  
Valentine's smiling face.

TUCKER  
Liv?

Liv looks at Tucker crestfallen.

INT. BUFALARI'S Gymnasium.

Maya and Liv sit and watch the cheerleader  
practice. Maya is dressed in her workout outfit  
and is apparently taking a break.

MAYA  
He asked you out?! When?!

LIV  
(crestfallen)  
Yesterday.

Maya hits Liv on the shoulder.

MAYA  
Why didn't you tell me?! Okay... Short  
notice but we have two days to rally. We  
gotta get you a dress, shoes, get your  
hair done-

LIV  
I'm not going.

MAYA  
What?

LIV  
I told him I couldn't go.

Maya looks at her friend as though she just grew a  
second head.

MAYA  
You said "no"?

LIV  
I know but-

MAYA  
Do you understand how this dating thing  
works? When a guy you like asks you out  
you say "Yes".

LIV  
It's homecoming Maya. Remember? Demon  
horde? My date with demonic heritage and  
was turned into a supernaturally gifted  
vampire?

Maya shrugs.

MAYA  
All right. So you had a bad time.

Liv gives Maya a glare.

LIV  
I think the name "Maya" no longer suits  
you. I'm just going to call you  
"Understatement" from now on.

MAYA  
Look Worm. All I'm saying is you don't  
always get a second chance at the brass  
ring.

LIV  
I know. I just... I don't want to see  
him get hurt... or worse. I don't think  
I can live through that again.

SPIKE(OS)  
Half-pint's right.

Liv and Maya turn and look to see Spike standing  
in the shadows.

SPIKE  
When you mix love together with the  
hellmouth, you might as well go directly  
to doom. Do not pass go, do not collect  
two hundred quid. You should know that  
of all people Pet.

MAYA  
My relationship with Jordy is not  
doomed.

SPIKE  
Think so? The pair of you going to be  
together forever? Breed little  
were-puppies for a living? Wise up  
little girl. The world's tough on love  
as it is. You add a little hellmouth,  
you might as well douse yourself in petrol  
and light yourself on fire.

Maya pouts comically.

MAYA  
(baby talk)  
Aw. Dark and dreary little outlook on  
life there, Spike. You sure you're not  
just upset because someone else might be  
eating your "cookies"?

Spike scowls. Maya smirks. Liv giggles.

SPIKE  
Big talk from a girl who almost became a  
can of Alpo.

Maya's smile fades and contorts to one of anger.  
She slaps Spike across the face.

MAYA  
Jerk!

Maya stomps off. Liv glares at Spike and runs  
after her friend. Spike smiles and rubs his face.

SPIKE  
There was no part of that that wasn't  
fun.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - JORDY'S ROOM

Posters from the bands Dingoes eat my Babies,  
Widespread Panic, Blue Hippos, Otto's Chemical  
Lounge and Love is a Punk Ass Bitch decorate the  
walls. On one wall is a poster of a handsome green  
gentlemen with horns that says "Lorne! Live at the  
Lucky Seven Casino".

The room itself is a pit of strewn clothes, books  
and other teenage paraphernalia.

Maya lies on the bed wearing an old shirt of  
Jordy's.

XANDER  
(OS)Hey.

Maya looks up and sees Xander standing in the  
doorway.

XANDER  
You're looking extra mope-a-licious.

MAYA  
Yeah.

Xander sits down on the bed next to her.

XANDER  
Liv said you weren't at school today.

MAYA  
Yeah. Didn't feel like going.

XANDER  
That his shirt?

MAYA  
Yeah. Smells like him.

XANDER  
Do I want to know what Jordy smells  
like?

MAYA  
Musty with a touch of feet.

Xander makes a face.

MAYA  
You get used to it.

XANDER  
I fear you.

Xander sighs.

MAYA  
You miss him too?

XANDER  
Well, yeah. It was kind of nice to have  
someone around who wasn't a puppet or  
undead.

MAYA  
Just a werewolf.

XANDER  
Yeah, but he doesn't shed all over the  
furniture.

Maya cracks a smile.

MAYA  
You think he's coming back?

XANDER  
He'll come back. What scares me is why  
he left.

Maya looks away.

MAYA  
Tell me about it.

XANDER  
Well I don't mean what happened between  
the two of you..

Maya gives Xander the "look".

XANDER  
No! I mean not that a werewolf hickey  
isn't anything to be scared about. I  
mean that... I think that they are  
taking us out one by one.

MAYA  
What? By a mystical sniper?

XANDER  
Something like that. It's been a while  
since the army of the dead has attacked  
and all of a sudden-

MAYA  
Pongo and Jordy are out of the picture.

XANDER  
Right. A puppet truth detector and a  
werewolf who could control his changing  
ability.

MAYA  
They're trying to weaken us.

XANDER  
They are weakening us. I just don't know  
how they are doing it. And I should see  
it. I'm the guy who's supposed to be on  
top of these things. Hell, I'm the guy  
who supposed to see "everything", but  
right now I can't even tell where that  
strange smell is coming from.

MAYA  
It's Jordy's herb stash for his potions.  
It's under the bed.

Xander reaches underneath the bed and pulls out a  
plastic bag full of herbs. He leans in for a  
whiff.

XANDER  
Whew! And I thought it smelled bad in  
potion form. This has got to be the most  
foul-

Xander stops and tilts his head.

MAYA  
What?

XANDER  
(sighs)  
Oh God.

Xander yanks out his cell.

XANDER  
Liv. Get over to stadium right now. I'll  
meet you there.

LIV  
(filtered)  
Why?

XANDER  
Audrey's in trouble. Whatever you do,  
don't leave her alone.

Xander gets up and hurries out the door. Maya  
rushes to catch up.

XANDER  
Do you remember where we put that bag of  
magical goodies Spike stole from the  
evidence room?

MAYA  
On the bottom shelf of the weapons  
locker. Why? What's going on?

XANDER  
I know who the sniper is.

MAYA  
Who?

EXT. BUFALARI STADIUM - Homecoming Game

The cheerleaders are taking a break to watch the  
football team get creamed. Spike is on security  
detail watching the stands.

AUDREY  
(OS)Spike...

Spike turns and looks at Audrey with annoyance.

SPIKE  
What now?

AUDREY  
I know that you're supposed to be  
guarding me, but do you think you could  
at least... guard from farther away?

Spike turn away, scanning the perimeter. His back  
towards Audrey.

SPIKE  
Look pet. It's bad enough I have to-

And there is nothing more coming from Spike.

AUDREY  
What? Don't tell me there's another  
horde of demons on the way to kill me  
again.

Spike slowly turns around to face Audrey. His eyes  
have turned totally white. Audrey takes one look  
at Spike and runs for it.

AUDREY  
Or maybe it's just the one demon here  
who's trying to kill me!

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. OUTSIDE BUFALARI STADIUM

Audrey is running for it as Spike is chases after  
her. She runs down a service corridor only to find  
a dead end.

AUDREY  
Crap! This is only supposed to happen in  
movies!

Audrey turns to see Spike all white-eyed and under  
the control of someone else. She starts to pray.

AUDREY  
God? It's me Audrey. I swear if you get  
me out of this I promise to be a better  
person and not to be mean to-

Suddenly we hear a loud "thwack". Spike stumbles  
and falls to the ground unconscious. Audrey looks  
up to Liv standing over Spike with a large metal  
pipe. Audrey immediately goes back to her usual  
self.

AUDREY  
About freakin' time you got here!

And with that she stomps off. Liv sighs

LIV  
"Gee Liv. You saved my life from an out  
of control vampire. Thank you so much."  
Not a problem Audrey it's all part of  
the rewarding job of being a slayer.

Liv looks around at the somewhat cruddy alley.

LIV  
My life sucks.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Spike comes to lying on Xander's couch. He's tied  
up.

SPIKE  
What the-? Bloody hell, why am I tied  
up.

Xander, Maya, Audrey and Liv are in the living  
room standing guard over Spike.

AUDREY  
Hello! You tried to kill me!

SPIKE  
Who?

XANDER  
You.

SPIKE  
What?

MAYA  
Fall asleep next to any strange looking  
plants lately?

SPIKE  
Have you all gone mad?

Xander tosses a bag of Jordy's herbs and the  
remote control to the TV on the table in front of  
Spike.

XANDER  
They used you to drug Jordy and  
accelerate Pongo's growth.

Spike looks at everyone suspiciously.

SPIKE  
No one here's been singing any folk  
songs lately, have they?

Xander shakes his head.

XANDER  
I should have realized before Spike. You  
shouldn't be here. You are our  
vulnerable spot.

SPIKE  
What?

XANDER  
Go ahead and untie him.

Liv starts setting Spike free.

XANDER  
The big bad? They got some major mojo  
over the dead. They took control of you  
and did something to Jordy's herbs and  
put some sort of rune on the inside of  
the remote control to affect Pongo. From  
what I've "seen" they've been taking  
control of your body while you slept.

SPIKE  
Bloody hell.

LIV  
But what about the other Oracle?

XANDER  
Whistler said that they always come in  
pairs. I guess the acceleration on Pongo  
affected her as well.

SPIKE  
So, what's the plan? How do we stop them  
from turning me into the sleepwalker  
from hell?

XANDER  
Not a thing. You're too dangerous to  
have around.

Xander slides a leather bag across the floor to  
Spike.

XANDER  
You're leaving.

SPIKE  
Are you nuts? That's probably been the  
plan the entire time! Get rid of me and  
then it's just you and the slayer.

XANDER  
You're too dangerous to have around  
Spike. If tonight hasn't proven that I  
don't know what has.

SPIKE  
You're insane Harris. Can't you see  
what's going on here?

XANDER  
I see more clearly than I ever did. You.  
Can't. Be. Here.

A flicker of doubt crosses Spike's face. Xander  
walks over to Spike and puts his hand on his  
shoulder.

XANDER  
You're too much of a liability. If you  
stick around here we're done for.  
Understand?

Spike gives Xander a strange look.

SPIKE  
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind  
man.

Xander nods.

XANDER  
Now get the hell out.

Spike sneers.

SPIKE  
Don't have to tell me twice.

Spike picks up the bag and is out the door.

AUDREY  
Wait... so now I just have Freakshow  
guarding me?

LIV  
(sarcastic)  
Gee Audrey! We'll have so much fun! We  
can sleep over and be the best of  
friends.

XANDER  
Zip it!

Audrey and Liv look at Xander in amazement. Xander  
walks over and puts his hand on Liv's shoulder.

XANDER  
With Spike gone we can't be at each  
other's throats... Understand?

LIV  
Right.

XANDER  
I'm calling the council for  
reinforcements, but for the next few  
days-

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

The Vizier and Amy watch Xander & Co. via their  
"Spy" portal.

XANDER  
(filtered)  
-it's just us. But I have a-

The Vizier waves his arm and the scene continues  
muted.

VIZIER  
He did not kill the girl.

AMY  
No matter. She is practically powerless.  
And with Spike gone...

VIZIER  
The slayer has no more supernatural  
backup. Back where I come from, we have  
a saying about situations like these.

AMY  
What's that?

VIZIER  
Het gemakkelijke plukken.

AMY  
Which means?

VIZIER  
Easy pickin's.

The Cloaked Figure steps out of the shadows. With  
a tentacle, it pulls back it's hood to reveal what  
could best be described as a giant black squid  
head with multiple iridescent eyes. Its name is  
Nuggano Eyia. He's pretty ugly.

Loyal readers... Meet the season's new big bad.

NUGGANO  
Send the izithunzela after the girl.  
Hold back the Kosoko. She is for the  
Watcher and his slayer alone.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Audrey is foaming at the mouth in anger as Xander,  
Maya and Liv sit on the couch and watch her rant.

AUDREY  
I mean it's supposed to be my crowning  
achievement in High School. Instead I  
have to go all Marlon Brando on it.

MAYA  
Can you make it stop?

XANDER  
Sorry. I zoned. What's the problem now?

MAYA  
She's Marlon Brando.

AUDREY  
That's not what I said! This is so not  
the Academy Awards where "So and so  
couldn't be here so I accept this award  
on her behalf." This is the rank of  
queen we are talking about!

XANDER  
Oh sweet mother of God.

LIV  
Hey. I wanted to tranquilize her, but  
you wouldn't let me.

AUDREY  
I can't help it if you all are socially  
lacking when it comes to High School  
rituals! This was supposed to be my  
night!

Audrey continues to blather on. Xander gets a  
dreamy expression and smiles.

MAYA  
What are you so happy about?

XANDER  
Just wondering what would have happened  
if I was better friends with Tucker.

Liv pouts.

LIV  
Tucker?

XANDER  
Not the "blow-up-everything-when-he  
happens-to-be-around-you" Tucker. The  
"let's-train-demons-to-attack-people-in  
formal-wear" Tucker I knew in high  
school.

Suddenly Liv and Maya are wearing the dreamy  
expression smile as well.

LIV  
Oh yeah.

MAYA  
That'd be cool.

AUDREY  
Are you guys paying attention to  
anything I'm saying?

ALL  
No!

Audrey does the impossible... and gets meaner. She  
scowls and slaps both hands down on the table in  
front of her. Xander, Liv and Maya pull back in  
fear.

AUDREY  
Listen up creeps! This is it! I don't  
care if there are horde of demons out  
there hunting for my beautifully tanned  
but highly moisturized hide! I'm done!  
I'm through! I quit! No power on this  
earth is going to make me spend one  
itsy-bitsy tenth more of a second with  
you! If it means I have to die then-

Glass shatters. Wood splinters and the horde of  
izithunzela burst into the firehouse.

AUDREY  
Holy crap!!

XANDER  
Oh thank God! The horde of demons  
finally made it. Let's move people!

 

Xander and Liv grab a couple of leather satchels  
and run for the stairs. Audrey is rooted in fear  
as the horde of izithunzelas slowly approach.

AUDREY  
Oh god. I don't wanna die.

Maya grabs Audrey's arm and drags her to the  
stairs.

MAYA  
I wish you'd make up your mind!!

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - STAIRCASE

Our heroes race up the steps.

LIV  
Are you sure you want to do this?!

XANDER  
You're asking me this now?!

LIV  
Okay... so bad timing.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM

The crew runs across the room to the fire pole.  
Liv is about to jump on the pole, but Xander stops  
her.

XANDER  
Wait a second. We want to get as many in  
as we can.

AUDREY  
What the hell is going on here?!

XANDER  
(to Liv)  
You didn't tell her the plan?

LIV  
Where's the fun in that?

XANDER  
You think this is fun?

MAYA  
Uh... guys?

Maya points to the encroaching horde of zombies  
coming up the steps.

MAYA  
Can we go now?

XANDER  
Go!

Grabbing the bags everyone slides down the pole  
to...

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Liv lands first, pulls out her battle axe and  
starts clearing a path. Xander pulls out a sword  
from the weapons satchel and starts doing the same  
as he pulls out his cell.

XANDER  
(into cell phone)  
Moose to Sherman. Invitations are out.  
No need to RSVP.

Xander tosses a bag to Maya.

XANDER  
Weapons and spells

Xander tosses the other bag to Audrey.

XANDER  
Bag of African artifacts. Guard them  
with your life.

AUDREY  
Oh crap! We're going to die aren't we?

Liv manages to clear a path to the door. Maya  
grabs and drags Audrey through it.

MAYA  
Shut up Audrey!

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - FRONT ENTRANCE

The crew runs out to see... Well a ton of  
destroyed izithunzelas and Spike smoking a  
cigarette wearing a strange looking charm around  
his neck..

XANDER  
You're early.

SPIKE  
Got bored.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

The Vizier looks like he's about to burst a blood  
vessel.

VIZIER  
What the hell-

EXT. XANDER'S STREET

AUDREY  
-are you doing here?!

Everyone is running full blast away from Xander's  
house.

SPIKE  
You didn't tell her?

LIV  
It's more fun this way.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - FLASHBACK

Xander walks over to Spike and puts his hand on  
his shoulder.

XANDER  
You're too much of a liability. If you  
stick around here we're done for.

Suddenly the view switches to...

INT. SPIKE'S CRYPT FROM SUNNYDALE

Spike and Xander are alone. And Xander still has  
his hand on Spike's shoulder.

SPIKE  
Bloody hell! This is my...

XANDER  
No time to talk. This is a vision only  
you and I are sharing. We're being  
watched in my house. Take the bag.  
There's a charm in there that will  
protect you from being possessed. I've  
got a premonition that we are going to  
be attacked tomorrow night. Hide out  
around here and wait for my signal.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - FLASHBACK

XANDER  
Understand?

Spike gives Xander a strange look.

SPIKE  
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind  
man.

EXT. OUTSIDE XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - PRESENT

AUDREY  
That was just an act?! How come nobody  
told me?

Xander gives Liv a look.

LIV  
Told you it was more fun this way.

MAYA  
Uh guys? Does anyone notice that they  
are coming after us?

They all look back to see the izithunzela slowing  
coming out of the house.

AUDREY  
(to Liv)  
So he told you everything the same way?

LIV  
Yeah. We were able to move most of the  
important stuff out in time.

AUDREY  
In time for what?

Xander pulls out a remote device.

XANDER  
This.

Xander pushes the jolly-like candy button and...

ANGLE ON: XANDER'S FIREHOUSE

In one spectacular explosion Xander's firehouse is  
reduced to rubble.

AUDREY  
Holy-

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

AMY  
Crap!

VIZIER  
What should we do?

Amy gives the Vizier a look.

AMY  
Call in the cavalry.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE REMAINS OF XANDER'S FIREHOUSE

Everyone looks at the charred remains of Xander's  
home.

SPIKE  
Bloody hell! When did you have time to  
do that?

XANDER  
Right before you moved in. I figured  
sooner or later I'd get overrun, so...

SPIKE  
I could've been blown to kingdom come.

XANDER  
Nah. I was careful.

LIV  
Um... Mr. Harris?

Liv points to down the street. Another horde of  
izithunzela moves along.

XANDER  
Crap! There's more.

SPIKE  
Wouldn't happen to have another home  
would you?

XANDER  
No.

MAYA  
So what's the plan?

XANDER  
Stiff upper lip. Weapons ready... and  
run like hell.

Everyone takes off at full speed down the street.

SPIKE  
I thought you were supposed to be  
getting visions of these things!

XANDER  
Well, I saw the first horde!

MAYA  
What about the third?!

The all look ahead to see another horde coming at  
them.

LIV  
Aw Crap! These guys are everywhere!

AUDREY  
How can one town have so many bodies?!

XANDER  
Cemetery. Let's go.

Everyone dashes off except for Spike who rolls his  
eyes.

SPIKE  
Cemetery. Yeah. We'll be safe there.

XANDER(OS)  
Spike!

Spike starts ambling after them.

SPIKE  
I'm coming you stupid ponce!

EXT. CAPE KENNETH - CEMETERY

The gang runs at full speed into the cemetery only  
to find themselves surrounded.

XANDER  
Damn it.

SPIKE  
Some seer you are.

XANDER  
Yeah well, bite me.

SPIKE  
I can arrange that.

LIV  
Uh... guys what's the plan?

XANDER  
Well... Kind of winging it now Liv.

The Izithunzela start their attack. Spike, Xander  
and Liv circle around Maya and Audrey.

AUDREY  
"Winging it"? Are you kidding me?! My  
life depends on you "winging it"?

Audrey reaches into the bag of artifacts and  
throws it at Xander's head.

XANDER  
Ow! Hey! If you expect to live through  
this you better-

AUDREY  
Shut up! This is all your fault! I'll  
throw things if I damn well-

Audrey yanks out another artifact from the bag and  
starts to throw it, when it suddenly begins to  
pulse light.

AUDREY  
What the-

Light streams from the artifact and surrounds  
Audrey.

AUDREY  
Oh sweet Jesus I'm going to-

Light explodes from around Audrey's body knocking  
over Xander, Spike, Liv and Maya. All the  
izithunzela are then hit, dissolving them to dust.

AUDREY  
Holy crap!

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

Nuggano is not pleased. Amy and the Vizier are  
stunned.

NUGGANO  
NO!

AMY  
Not good.

VIZIER  
Definitely not good.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

The artifact dissolves in Audrey's hand. She  
stands there stunned. Everyone looks at her  
stunned.

SPIKE  
Bloody Hell!

AUDREY  
Holy crap!

MAYA  
Did Audrey just save our lives?

LIV  
Man she's never going to let us live  
this down.

XANDER  
Okay... quick question! Couldn't you  
have done that BEFORE I BLEW UP MY  
HOUSE?!

AUDREY  
Huh? Wha... What happened?

SPIKE  
Looks like you just got all "Iggy" with  
it..

AUDREY  
I got all what with the what?

XANDER  
She had the same ability to talk to the  
dead as Igqhira. Something about those  
items that were brought over from Africa  
must have triggered it. Congratulations  
Audrey. You're a mystic.

AUDREY  
You mean I'm.. I'm.. I'm a witch?

Maya and Liv burst out laughing. Audrey scowls at  
them.

MAYA  
Hey... you said it. Not me.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

NUGGANO  
Summon my army. We must defeat them  
before the igqhira gains in power.

AMY  
Unfortunately... we are short on bodies  
at the moment.

VIZIER  
It will take time to raise another.

Nuggano lets out something between a nasty gurgle  
and a growl.

AMY  
They used the old igqhira's artifact too  
quickly. They will not be able to  
replace it.

VIZIER  
They also did not destroy the Kosoko

The slayer formerly known as Lateesha, now a  
izithunzela steps forward into the light.

AMY  
Next time... they won't be so lucky.

NUGGANO  
You better hope so. For your sake.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LUCY'S BEDROOM

A couple of boxes of Xander's stuff line the wall.  
As Xander searches through them, Lucy is lying on  
the bed.

LUCY  
You know, I've had a lot of guys try to  
get in my bedroom before, but no one has  
ever tried the old "Oh my house just  
blew up" ploy.

Xander laughs.

XANDER  
Yes. You discovered my secret plan to  
move in with you. I'll blow up the  
majority of my worldly possessions and  
goods just to sleep in your bedroom. I  
don't know why I didn't think of it  
before!

They both laugh.

LUCY  
Really. I am sorry about your place.

XANDER  
If I need to I'll build another.

LUCY  
Need to?

XANDER  
A month or two of me hanging around you  
might change your mind.

LUCY  
Somehow... I doubt that.

Xander pulls out two picture frames. He holds them  
up to show Lucy.

XANDER  
Are these it?

Lucy smiles.

LUCY  
Yes. I shouldn't be surprised those  
would be the first things you'd unpack.

Xander places them on the dresser.

XANDER  
With everything that's happening, a guy  
needs to have his friends. Even if I  
can't see them.

Xander sits on the bed next to Lucy "looking" at  
the frames. Lucy gives Xander a small smile.

LUCY  
Uh... Sparky?

ANGLE ON: PICTURES

The pictures are of course Xander with Buffy and  
Willow in one frame and Xander and Lateesha in the  
other.

Both are upside down.

XANDER(OS)  
What?

LUCY(OS)  
Um... never mind.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM.

Maya and Liv sit in the living room, watching a  
cheesy movie in their pajamas (Liv is wearing her combat boots as usual), eating popcorn.  
They hear Xander and Lucy laughing.

MAYA  
You think they've had sex yet?

LIV  
Let me respond to that with an "Eww".

MAYA  
I'm just saying. They've been together  
for a long time, and now he's living  
here. Chances are...

LIV  
Have you not learned to stop when I say  
"Eww"?

Maya gives her a sad smile.

LIV  
What?

MAYA  
I'm sorry you missed homecoming.

LIV  
Well... Even if I did say yes, I  
wouldn't have been able to go, but it  
did have the traditional evil horde. And  
on the plus side I didn't have to wear  
heels.

Maya laughs.

MAYA  
But still... you gave it up.

LIV  
I chickened out.

MAYA  
You telling me that it wasn't hard to  
say "no"?

LIV  
I just don't want to think about it.

Maya checks her watch.

LIV  
What?

Maya smiles.

MAYA  
Come with me.

EXT. BACK PORCH

Liv steps out onto the darkened back porch. Maya  
stands in the doorway.

LIV  
Okay... what am I supposed to be seeing  
here?

Maya quickly closes the door and locks it.

LIV  
Oh very funny. You better open the door  
before I-

The lights turn on in the back porch. Maya smiles  
and points behind Liv. She turns and sees Tucker  
standing there grinning. The back porch has some  
streamers, a punch bowl and a portable cd player  
with speakers.

TUCKER  
Hey.

LIV  
Hey.

TUCKER  
I like your boots.

LIV  
Thanks. What... What are you doing here?

TUCKER  
Well... Maya reminded me that your last  
homecoming wasn't exactly the best. You  
know. With the gangland attack and  
Brad.... well you know. I'm sorry. I  
should have remembered.

LIV  
Yeah... well I guess I should have told  
you.

TUCKER  
It's okay.  
(Waves to decorations)  
So...this here is kind of my plan to get  
you over your fear of school dances.  
Consider it dance therapy. Kind of like  
Dance Fever, but without Danny Terrio.

LIV  
Danny who?

TUCKER  
Uh... no one. I forget that not everyone  
watched as much TV as I did when I was a  
kid. Oh! I also got you this...

Tucker pulls out a corsage in a clear plastic  
container. Liv smiles as he pulls it out of the  
plastic container and begins to pin it on her  
pajamas.

TUCKER  
If I knew that you were going to wear  
pink flannel with white bunny rabbits, I  
wouldn't have gotten something that  
clashed.

Liv looks at the flower and smiles.

LIV  
It's okay. I like it.

Tucker hits play on the cd player.

MUSIC  
At the dark end of the street...  
That's where we'd always meet

Tucker holds out his hand.

TUCKER  
Can I have this dance?

Liv takes his hand and they move closer together  
and sway along to the slow song.

MUSIC  
Hiding in shadows where we don't belong...  
Living in darkness to hide our wrong

Liv and Tucker look into each other's eyes. Tucker  
leans into kiss her. Liv closes her eyes and they  
bump noses. Liv giggles, turns her head and they  
softly kiss. They pull back and just look at each  
other.

LIV  
I'm having a wonderful time. Thank you.

Liv gives him a smile; moves in closer and leans  
her head against his chest as they dance.

MUSIC  
You and me, at the dark end of the street...  
You and me..

ANGLE ON: XANDER AND LUCY

As they watch from the bedroom window. Lucy is  
smiling. Xander looks sad, but smiles as well.

MUSIC  
I know that time's gonna take it's toll...  
We've got to give back all the love that we stole...  
It's a sin and we know it's wrong  
Oh but our love keeps coming on strong...

 

EXT. AUDREY'S HOUSE - BALCONY

MUSIC  
Steal away, to the dark end of the street...

Audrey sits out on her balcony, surrounded by  
strange artifacts and the leather satchel they  
were stored in. She has a lost look on her face.

SPIKE(OS)  
What's wrong with you then?

Audrey looks over at Spike who's standing against  
the wall.

AUDREY  
How did you get up here? I didn't invite  
you in.

SPIKE  
It's a balcony dimwit. I'm not inside  
anything.

AUDREY  
Oh.

SPIKE  
What's your problem? You just became the  
next big power ranger on the block. You  
should be out shopping for a pair of  
tights and a cape.

AUDREY  
You think becoming more like you and  
Freakshow is a good thing? You are  
deficient.

SPIKE  
Won't say it's going to do wonders for  
your social life. If history has  
anything to say about it... probably end  
up with a sad and painful death. Or in a  
coma. Or in a hell dimension. Choices  
are endless really.

AUDREY  
Is this supposed to be a pep talk?  
Because it isn't very peppy.

SPIKE  
Hmm. Well maybe this will make you feel  
better. I nicked this earlier in the  
evening.

Spike pulls out a plastic tiara out of his coat. He  
places the tiara on her head. She smiles.

AUDREY  
Thanks. Not exactly the same without my  
friend paying homage to the Queen, but  
thanks anyway.

SPIKE  
Cheer up love. For one shining moment  
tonight, you got to be a hero. Try and  
remember how that felt. If you're lucky,  
you might get to do it again. That's  
worth more than a sodding plastic crown  
and the admiration of friends.

Audrey looks thoughtful for a second as this sinks  
in.

AUDREY  
So this hero thing. I get paid right?  
Does it come with a dental plan?

Spike explodes.

SPIKE  
Paid?! Dental?! Are you-?! You are.  
You're completely mad. Bloody hell!

Spike storms off and jumps off the balcony, while  
Audrey remains behind with a confused look on her  
face.

GO TO BLACK

AUDREY(VO)  
Is that a no?

END ACT IV

DISCLAIMER: "Dark End of the Street" lyrics belong  
to Percy Sledge.


	9. The Lesson

TEASER

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT

Xander is busy setting up the basement to be the  
new training room. Audrey is busy painting odd  
tribal pictures on the wall and Maya is setting up  
a laptop. Maya looks up from her work and gives  
Audrey a strange look.

MAYA  
What exactly are you doing Audrey?

Audrey frowns at the wall.

AUDREY  
I'm not a hundred percent sure. I think  
I'm writing ancient African runes of  
protection on the wall. Or I'm just  
making a mess.

XANDER  
Have you got the laptop set up?

MAYA  
Yeah it's booting up now. I had a tough  
time getting a signal down here. I may  
have to move it upstairs.

XANDER  
Great. Let me know when you connect to  
the Watcher's mainframe.

Xander turns and looks at the wall Audrey's  
working on. He tilts his head.

AUDREY  
What?

XANDER  
No. It's okay. It's just that I can  
actually "see" them.

AUDREY  
Really? Am I doing it right?

XANDER  
Actually... they look exactly like the  
runes that were drawn on Igqhira's hut I  
visited in Africa. How are you doing  
this?

AUDREY  
Um... I've been kind of having some...  
weird dreams. This old African dude  
keeps telling me what to do.

XANDER  
(sighs)  
Yep. Been there.

A beeping noise is heard from the laptop. Maya is  
looking at the screen with concern.

MAYA  
Uh... Xander? Do you know where Liv is?

XANDER  
She's on patrol. Why?

Maya turns and gives Xander, "the look".

MAYA  
We've got a problem.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - MAIN FOYER

Liv walks into the house dressed in her standard  
patrol gear.

LIV  
Hey guys! I'm home!

LUCY  
(OS)Honey? Can you come here for a  
second?

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy, Xander and Maya all sit with fake cheery  
smiles on their faces. Audrey sits in the corner  
and could care less.

LUCY  
(false cheer)  
Hi honey! How was patrol?

XANDER  
(false cheer)  
Did you kill lots of vampires?

LUCY  
(false cheer)  
Would you like some hot chocolate?

MAYA  
(false cheer)  
Hey! Maybe later we could make s'mores!

Xander nudges Maya. Liv isn't buying it for a  
second.

LIV  
Okay. What happened?

XANDER  
(false cheer)  
Nothing! Nothing at all!

Now Liv is worried...

LIV  
Oh god! Who died?!

LUCY  
No! No Sweetie! No one died.

LIV  
Okay... So why are you guys acting so  
weird?

XANDER  
Look, I got an e-mail today from the  
council and some friends of mine are  
coming for a... visit.

Liv looks at Xander with suspicion.

LIV  
A visit?

XANDER  
Well... more like a...

LUCY  
Brief!

XANDER  
Yes! Very brief... uh..

MAYA  
Inquiry.

Liv doesn't like the sound of that.

LIV  
Inquiry?

XANDER  
Um... Evaluation.

Liv is beginning to freak.

LIV  
Evaluation?!

AUDREY  
Test! You're being tested! For god's  
sake just say it!

Liv is now officially in panic mode.

LIV  
Test!! What kind of test?!

XANDER  
It's just a standard exam that's given  
to all slay-

Liv's panic reaches full boil.

LIV  
Exam!! There's an EXAM?!!

LUCY  
Honey. Calm down.

LIV  
There's an EXAM!!

MAYA  
Oh... this is not good.

LIV  
I'm not ready!! I haven't studied!! I  
don't even have the lesson plan for  
this!!

XANDER  
Liv. Listen to me. This is just an  
evaluation. They give it to all slayers.  
In fact they'll be bringing up some  
slayers from the Cleveland site, so you  
won't be alone in this.

Liv is trying to process the information through  
her panic.

LIV  
Okay. Okay. I can do this. Won't be  
alone. I have time to prepare.  
(realization)  
I do have time to prepare, right?

Xander laughs nervously.

XANDER  
Yeah... well here's the funny thing...

Sound F/X: Doorbell rings

LIV  
Oh God!

Liv turns a shade of green and runs out of the  
room.

LUCY  
(sighs)  
I'll get the door. Then I'll get the  
pepto.

Lucy walks into the foyer to answer the door. Maya  
collapses on the couch.

MAYA  
(sarcastic)  
That went well.

AUDREY  
What's freakshow's problem anyway?

MAYA  
Test anxiety.

AUDREY  
She hunts vampires and demons on a daily  
basis and she freaks over a test?

MAYA  
Just one of her lovable quirks.

AUDREY  
Freak.

XANDER  
Well at least we know it can't get any-

VOICE  
(OS)Greetings fellow Watcher!

Andrew bounds into the room dressed in an outfit  
somewhere between Giles and Tom Baker's Dr. Who.  
He immediately runs over and gives Xander a giant  
hug.

XANDER  
Oh God.

END TEASER

 

ACT I

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Andrew is still hugging Xander.

XANDER  
Really Andrew, you can stop hugging me  
at any time.

VOICE  
(OS)Geez, Andrew. Down boy.

Xander looks up to see Kennedy and Giles standing  
in the doorway.

KENNEDY  
Don't make me get the hose.

Andrew reluctantly lets go. Xander goes over and  
greets Giles and Kennedy.

XANDER  
G-man! Ken!

Giles rolls his eyes as Xander shakes his hand  
while Xander is hugging Kennedy.

XANDER  
How are you two?

KENNEDY  
Well, I'm doing fine. But there's a  
certain wiccan who's mighty PO'd at the  
moment. Seems like someone hasn't been  
getting their weekly phone call  
recently.

XANDER  
We've had a few setbacks recently.

GILES  
Yes. We noticed that when coming in.  
What exactly happened to your place?

XANDER  
Blew up.

GILES  
Bl-blew up?

AUDREY  
Yeah. You know. Explosives. They go  
"Boom".

GILES  
But why?

XANDER  
Horde of zombie-like creatures invaded.  
Had to go to operation:"Blow up the  
Mayor", if you know what I mean.

GILES  
Y-yes of course.

XANDER  
Don't worry. All the details will be on  
my expense report.

GILES  
Expense report?

We hear what appears to be a muted scuffle going  
on from the outside. Maya approaches the window to  
see what it is.

ANDREW  
Xander, do you think you might have time  
to-

XANDER  
No.

ANDREW  
But I haven't even ask-

XANDER  
Still no.

Maya is looking out the window.

MAYA  
Um... Did anybody tell the visiting  
slayers about Spike?

ANDREW  
(Excited)  
Spike?

We hear a door slam.

SPIKE  
(OS)Somebody want to tell me why three  
girls just tried to stake me while I was  
just...

Spike walks into the room and before he can say  
anything else...

ANDREW  
SPIKE!

Andrew throws up his arms for a hug. Spike hangs  
his head.

SPIKE  
Oh bloody hell.

And Spike is running out the door. Andrew runs  
after him.

ANDREW  
Spike! Wait up!

Giles, Kennedy and Xander all sigh in relief as  
Liv walks cautiously out into the living room.

XANDER  
Liv! You remember Giles, right?

Liv looks at Giles but says nothing.

GILES  
Good to see you again Olivia.

Liv just stares at Giles in absolute fear.

XANDER  
Uh... and this is Kennedy, she was one  
of the potentials at the hellmouth.  
She's now in charge of combat training  
for the council.

KENNEDY  
Nice to meet you Liv. Willow and Xander  
have told me a lot about you.

Liv continues to stare at Kennedy and Giles with a  
look of fear.

KENNEDY  
What they didn't tell me is that you're  
a mute.

GILES  
Is.. is she okay?

XANDER  
She's fine. She.. uh.. just doesn't test  
well.

LIV  
Eep.

KENNEDY  
What was that?

MAYA  
Xander said the word "test".

LIV  
Eep.

MAYA  
It's just one of her nervous tics.

Audrey rolls her eyes as she pages through a  
magazine.

AUDREY  
(quietly)  
Freak.

Giles gives Liv a friendly smile.

GILES  
Olivia, I assure you that this will not  
be the horrible experience you expect.  
This actually just a minor evaluation-

LIV  
Eep.

GILES  
-that replaces the old tradition of the  
council's where-

XANDER  
Giles? Maybe we shouldn't bringing up  
the cruciamentum.

GILES  
Oh. Right. Of course. Well you shan't be  
alone during all of this.

On cue three rather tough looking girls enter the  
room carrying luggage. Liv looks at them and her  
eyes bug out.

MAYA  
(sotto to Audrey)  
Oh my god. They're huge.

AUDREY  
(sotto)  
Great. Freaks on steroids.

GILES  
Here we are... Susan, Arin and Chandra,  
this is Olivia. You will be going  
through your evaluation-

LIV  
Eep.

GILES  
-with her. For the next week we shall be  
test-

LIV  
Eep.

GILES  
-ing you on your knowledge, fighting  
skills and performance in the field.

Susan looks at Liv like she just crawled out from  
under a rock.

SUSAN  
What's with the cricket?

GILES  
She... uh... has a form of test-

LIV  
Eep.

GILES  
-anxiety.

All three girls give Liv a look of disgust.

ARIN  
Take a good look girls. This is the one  
of the chosen.

CHANDRA  
Wait a minute... Is this girl the reason  
we all have to wear Kevlar now?

GILES  
Ah... well... you see that was actually  
a decision...

Susan starts walking off.

SUSAN  
C'mon girls, let's go find a place in  
this dump to crash.

The girls stomp off elsewhere.

XANDER  
Nice girls. What were they before they  
were slayers? Truckers?

KENNEDY  
They're a little rough around the edges  
but they get the job done.

Kennedy turns to Liv and gives her a big smile.

KENNEDY  
So how 'bout it Liv. You ready to see  
how you measure up as a slayer?

Liv turns a shade of green and runs out of the  
room.

GILES  
Uh. Well. That's quite a case of nerves.

We hear retching sounds from the other room. Lucy  
comes down the steps.

KENNEDY  
Either that or a monster food disorder.

LUCY  
Oh don't you worry about Liv. She just  
has a bad case of nerves.

Kennedy sees Lucy and immediately starts checking  
her out with a sly smile. Xander notices.

XANDER  
Giles, you remember Lucy don't you?

GILES  
Yes. Yes. Of course. It's not often that  
someone calls me "thick".

LUCY  
Well that was before I really met you.  
Now I have an entire new list of insults  
for you.

Giles chuckles as Kennedy does some last second  
preening.

GILES  
Oh. Marvelous.

XANDER  
And Kennedy I'd like you to meet Lucy  
Fontaine.

Kennedy gives Lucy a seductive smile and a raised  
eyebrow as she shakes Lucy's hand.

KENNEDY  
Hi.

LUCY  
(weirded out)  
Uh. Hi.

XANDER  
(sotto)  
My girlfriend.

KENNEDY  
(realization/embarrassment)  
Oh! Oh. Nice to meet you. Uh. I better  
go check on the equipment.

GILES  
Right, I'll go make sure the girls  
haven't chewed on any of the furniture.

As Giles and Kennedy.

LUCY  
Okay. What was that?

AUDREY  
Duh. You were being checked out.

LUCY  
I was?

MAYA  
Better watch out Xander. Kennedy might  
steal your girl.

XANDER  
Oh, I doubt I have anything to worry  
about. Right Luce?

Luce is looking out the doorway where Kennedy  
went.

XANDER  
Uh. Luce?

LUCY  
Hmm? What? Oh whatever you say dear.

Xander gives Lucy an odd look as we...

CUT TO:

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

The Vizier and Amy are consulting with some of

AMY  
Five slayers?

VIZIER  
Maybe there's a convention.

AMY  
Or maybe they're getting reinforcements.

Nuggano steps out from the shadows.

NUGGANO  
I don't want to hear possibilities. I  
want to hear options.

AMY  
Maybe it is time to see how good the  
Kosoko really is.

From the shadows the Izithunzela version of  
Lateesha steps out.

VIZIER  
We can set up a trap for each of the  
slayers and pick them off one by one.

NUGGANO  
Excellent. The time grows near for my  
purification. The sooner we have the  
blood of the chosen slayer, the better.

AMY  
Master, might I suggest that any of the  
available slayer's blood would be  
acceptable for the cere-

NUGGANO  
No. The watcher will pay for what he did  
to me... and it will be his slayer that  
I'll use to reach a purified state.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT

Andrew stands in front of the Slayers. Behind him  
is a white erase board with crude drawings of  
various demon-like monsters.

ANDREW  
Now can anyone tell me the proper method  
of killing a Mohra demon?

Nobody raises their hand

ANDREW  
Susan?

SUSAN  
Hack it to tiny bits.

ANDREW  
Um. No. Olivia?

All the slayers glare at her.

LIV  
You break the crystal on its forehead.  
It's the source of their regenerative  
powers.

ANDREW  
Excellent!

Liv beams.

ANDREW  
Gold star for you!

Andrew takes a gold star sticker and places it on  
Liv's notebook. The rest of the slayers roll their  
eyes.

ANDREW  
Now can anyone tell me how defeat a  
Gnarl demon. Susan? Would you like to  
try again?

SUSAN  
Hack it to bits.

ANDREW  
Good idea, but no. Anyone else?

All the girls give Liv an Evil look.

LIV  
Three Stooges Eye poke. Thumbs are also  
acceptable.

Susan rolls her eyes.

SUSAN  
(under her breath)  
Rain man scores again.

Liv shoots her glare.

ANDREW  
And another gold star-

KENNEDY  
(OS)Andrew!

Andrew jumps at the sound of Kennedy's voice.  
Kennedy stands at the foot of the stairs with her  
arms crossed.

KENNEDY  
What did I tell you about that gold star  
crap?

ANDREW  
I was trying to encourage the minds of  
the next generation of-

KENNEDY  
Whatever. Line up maggots. Time to see  
how good you are with the kill.

ANDREW  
But I'm not fin-

KENNEDY  
Andrew. Seriously. Go annoy someone  
else.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

Maya is busy working on the laptop. Andrew is  
being his normal whiny self.

ANDREW  
Ma-YA...

MAYA  
No.

Andrew touches the laptop.

ANDREW  
But I need to-

Maya smacks Andrew's hand away.

MAYA  
No! No! No!

ANDREW  
But-

MAYA  
No!

ANDREW  
I want to help.

MAYA  
No, you just want to check to see if  
anyone read your recent posts on Star  
Wars the TV series.

Andrew pouts.

MAYA  
You better retract that lip before I rip  
it off.

Andrew sucks in his bottom lip, but continues to  
sulk.

ANDREW  
Fine. What are you looking for anyway?

MAYA  
Dead bodies.

ANDREW  
Wouldn't you normally find that in a  
cemetery or morgue?

MAYA  
Not if you're hijacking them for zombie  
horde purposes. You would think people  
would notice approximately 80 dead  
bodies going missing, but there's no  
police reports or even a complaint about  
it listed anywhere in town.

ANDREW  
What about bodies that were supposed to  
be cremated? And if it's coming from a  
chain of funeral homes, they can be  
shipped in from outside the city and no  
one would notice.

Maya gives Andrew a look of surprise.

MAYA  
Xander was wrong about you.

Andrew smiles.

MAYA  
You're not completely useless.

ANDREW  
Hey!

Maya turns back to the computer.

ANDREW  
You really shouldn't make fun of me. I  
used to be an evil genius.

MAYA  
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Xander and Giles sit, deep in conversation.

XANDER  
...and then after he told me it was my  
choice for who went into the two graves,  
I came out of it.

Giles sighs, removes his glasses and polishes  
them.

XANDER  
Oh crap. This can't be good.

GILES  
What?

XANDER  
You're in polishing specs mode. Never  
bodes well.

GILES  
Xander... the vision you've had well...  
it points to something that I've had  
some concerns about for some time.

XANDER  
Concern as in "You should have a doctor  
look at that" or as in "Oh look another  
apocalypse on the horizon".

GILES  
Yes... well, uh the second  
unfortunately.

XANDER  
Wonderful.

GILES  
In the dream you mention a machine that  
you had broken several times and once  
with Willow.

XANDER  
Yeah and the next thing I know she's  
covered in blood.

GILES  
And then Buffy told you it was all her  
fault.

XANDER  
Right.

GILES  
Well... I think the problem is that  
you've... how should I put it... changed  
the course of human events one time too  
many.

XANDER  
Wha-huh?

GILES  
It's something I hadn't thought of for a  
while, but... when you saved Buffy when  
she fought the master... she was  
originally supposed to die.

XANDER  
I thought we had just... got through on  
a prophecy loophole.

GILES  
Yes... but don't you see that one event  
has since created an increasingly more  
serious chain of... well disasters. Both  
personal and dimensional. And when you  
and Willow participated in the spell  
that brought back Buffy...

XANDER  
The mojo we worked resulted in us being  
punished?

GILES  
Yes. Something that has affected even me  
I'm afraid.

Maya comes to the door of the living room.

XANDER  
So what? Are you saying what happened to  
Tara and Anya are just some kind of  
cosmic retribution? That I can expect  
more hellfire and assorted crappy events  
to take place in my life.

Maya frowns.

GILES  
I... I... don't know. It's just a theory  
really. Perhaps it would be wise when  
dealing with your prophetic visions  
that-

XANDER  
No.

GILES  
Xander, I...

XANDER  
I know what you are going to say Giles,  
but if you think I'm going to let  
anything happen to Liv then you can go  
take a ride on the tweed express.

Maya reacts in shock to what Xander just said.

GILES  
Right. Well... it is only a theory.

Maya turns away, but runs into a table. Xander and  
Giles turn toward her.

XANDER  
Maya?

MAYA  
Uh... hi. If this is a bad time, I'll-

GILES  
No. Quite all right. What is it?

MAYA  
Well you remember how when we were  
fighting the living dead last week and  
you made a comment about how many there  
were?

XANDER  
Yeah.

MAYA  
I did some digging and I found one of  
those funky coincidences that probably  
isn't.

GILES  
Ah yes. The hellmouth influence.

MAYA  
"Get used to the funk."

Xander smiles. Giles gives them both a curious  
look.

GILES  
I'm sorry?

Maya holds out a stack of papers to Giles.

MAYA  
Anyway, I started looking around at  
local Morgues and funeral homes. Nothing  
really weird until I did a background  
check on the owner of the largest chains  
of funeral homes in New England. An Eric  
Gittleson.

XANDER  
Why does that name sound familiar?

Giles looks up from the stack of papers.

GILES  
Dear lord. Is that who I think it is?

Maya pulls out a Sunndale year book and holds out  
the open page which Giles examines.

MAYA  
I found your old yearbook in ab ox  
upstairs. Sunnydale. Class of '99.

XANDER  
He graduated with me?

GILES  
Perhaps you remember his friend Darryl?

XANDER  
Ah. Funeral home director, huh? I see he  
didn't stray much from the dead body  
trade since high school.

GILES  
According to this... he does a stiff  
amount of business. uh... no pun  
intended.

XANDER  
Enough to provide for an army of  
zombies. Nice catch Maya.

Maya smiles but eyes Xander warily.

GILES  
What do you propose we do?

XANDER  
Simple. We cut off the big bad's supply  
of undead ammunition at the source.

GILES  
Well... the girls are supposed to patrol  
tonight.

XANDER  
Eric's small time. I think you, me and  
Kennedy should be able to handle it.

Giles gets up.

GILES  
Quite. I'll see go see if I have  
anything intimidating in my tweed  
collection.

XANDER  
Whoa! Giles made a tweed joke!

Giles smiles and goes upstairs.

XANDER  
(to Maya)  
Did you hear that? Giles told a tweed  
joke!

Maya gives Xander a look.

XANDER  
What?

MAYA  
What's this thing about a prophecy and  
Liv?

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
It's not a prophecy. It's a warning.

MAYA  
But Old man tweed just said-

XANDER  
Giles is the doom and gloom man. It's  
his job. My job? It's to make sure that  
Liv is prepared for anything that comes  
her way.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT

It's testing time... The visiting slayers, Kennedy  
and Andrew stand and watch as Liv throws a stake  
at a target and misses horribly. The visiting  
slayers all laugh. Kennedy shoots them a glare and  
approaches Liv.

KENNEDY  
I think you might be a little wound up.

SUSAN  
That's putting it mildly.

Kennedy shoots another glare at Susan.

KENNEDY  
Try to relax and give it another shot.

Liv throws the stake at the target. It goes wild  
and bounces around the room almost hitting Andrew.

ANDREW  
Hey!

The other slayers laugh. Liv scowls.

ARIN  
Nice toss. I can't believe you survived  
being on the hellmouth this long.

SUSAN  
Don't blame her girls. What you're  
looking at here is just the sloppy  
training of a blind old fart.

Liv throws her remaining stakes on the floor and  
moves in on Susan with a look that would kill.

Unfortunately someone beats her to the punch.

Kennedy steps in grabs Susan by the shirt and  
slams the slayer against the wall. Andrew runs out  
of the room scared senseless.

SUSAN  
What's your damage Heather?

Kennedy looks like she's about to rip Susan's  
heart out.

KENNEDY  
If you girls want to have a little  
catfight over who's the better slayer, I  
got no problem with that. In fact I'll  
probably grab a bag of popcorn and  
watch. But if you want to talk trash  
about Harris, you better watch your back  
because I'll be the one taking you down.

Susan sneers at Kennedy.

SUSAN  
Please. He's just-

Kennedy pinches Susan's cheeks together so she  
can't talk.

KENNEDY  
Let me tell you something, that "blind  
old fart" has been fighting the good  
fight since he was fifteen years old.  
He's saved Buffy Summers and my  
girlfriend more times than you've got  
fingers and toes and has helped save the  
world at least twice as much.

Kennedy lets go of Susan and gives her a cold  
look.

KENNEDY  
Oh and let's not forget that when my  
chips were about to be cashed in, he  
stepped into harm's way and saved my  
sorry butt. You know what he got for his  
reward? A crazy-ass preacher ripped out  
his left eye.

Kennedy steps back and gives her group of girls a  
hard look.

KENNEDY  
If I were you? I'd become the best friend  
Xander ever had, because there's no one  
else who's better at guarding your back.

Liv smirks at Susan. Susan looks at her with  
disgust. Liv sticks out her tongue just in time  
for Kennedy to turn around on her.

KENNEDY  
As for you kid, I hope and pray when it  
comes time for the big battle you don't  
fall apart like that, because right  
now... I don't think you have any idea  
what it means to be a real slayer.

Liv glares at Kennedy.

LIV  
How would you know?

Kennedy gives her a grim smile.

KENNEDY  
I was taught by the best.

XANDER  
(OS)  
It never fails.

The girls turn and see Xander standing by the foot  
of the stairs.

XANDER  
You get more than one slayer in the room  
and someone turns it into one big  
speechfest-o-rama.

KENNEDY  
What? Was I channeling "General  
Buffster" again? Damn it.

Xander smiles and shakes his head.

XANDER  
It's getting dark out. Susan and Liv,  
since you like each other so well why  
don't you take the East side of town and  
Arin and Louise can take the West.

Susan and Liv glare at each other as they suit up  
and head upstairs.

KENNEDY  
What assignment do you have for me Mr.  
Watcher-sir?

XANDER  
Going to be checking up on an old  
"friend" from Sunnydale. Interested in  
tagging along?

KENNEDY  
Count me in.

Kennedy heads over to her equipment locker and starts  
getting ready to head out.

KENNEDY  
So exactly how long were you standing  
down here?

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
In time to hear a really nice speech.

Kennedy turns and smiles at Xander.

KENNEDY  
Sound familiar?

XANDER  
Yeah. I had no idea I was so cool.

KENNEDY  
Yeah... well "you always were a little  
slow".

They head up the stairs together.

XANDER  
So you think Liv doesn't know what it  
means to be a slayer?

Kennedy gives Xander a grim smile.

KENNEDY  
If she's lucky... she'll never have to  
find out.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. GITTLESON FUNERAL HOME - ENTRANCE

Giles, Xander and Kennedy quietly enter the room.

KENNEDY  
So what's the deal with this guy?

XANDER  
Well back in the day, the man had a  
thing for chopping up dead girls.

Kennedy makes a face.

GILES  
Well technically it wasn't for him, but  
for his best friend's dead brother.  
Wait. Was he really dead or...?

XANDER  
Let's just say the guy had his  
Frankenstein freak on.

KENNEDY  
What is it with the hellmouth and the  
living dead?

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Susan and Liv are taking on a couple of vampires.

Liv takes two blows to the head ducks, sweeps her  
leg knocking the vamp to the ground.

Susan does a fancy high flying kick which the  
vampire rolls out of the way from. Susan lands on  
the ground and the vampire jumps on top of her.

Liv's vampire pops up from the ground and charges  
at Liv. Liv pulls her stake out, blocks a circle  
kick and stakes the vamp... blowing dust  
everywhere.

Susan throws her vampire off and jumps up only to  
take two hits to the head and a kick to the  
mid-section. Susan falls to the ground and just as  
the vamp is about to attack he explodes into dust  
revealing Liv who had just stabbed him from  
behind.

Susan glares at Liv. She gets up; dusts herself  
off and walks away. Liv walks along with her.

LIV  
You're welcome.

SUSAN  
I had him under control.

LIV  
Whatever.

SUSAN  
Look little miss chosen... I don't need  
your help.

LIV  
What's that supposed to mean?

SUSAN  
Nothing.

LIV  
Fine.

SUSAN  
Great.

LIV  
Look! What exactly is your problem?  
We're supposed to be on the same team  
here!

SUSAN  
My problem is that until that Ibonek guy  
came around we were just a bunch of  
girls with super-powers. Then when  
tweed-man deciphered all these stupid  
prophecies, everyone started talking  
about the little slayer that could out  
of New Hampshire. Now we found out the  
next slayer who was supposed to be  
chosen after is just a dweeb who keeps  
screwing up.

LIV  
What?!

SUSAN  
You call yourself one of the chosen?  
You've screwed up more today than any  
slayer alive. If you're the one that is  
destined to save the world, then color  
me doomed.

LIV  
Okay... A: Never called myself one of  
the "chosen". That title was thrust upon  
me. B: There's a big difference between  
throwing a stake at a target and taking  
down a vamp trying to kill you or your  
friends and finally...

Liv trails off.

SUSAN  
What?

LIV  
Trouble.

Susan turns around and sees about a dozen Ygoop  
demons coming towards them.

SUSAN  
Holy crap, those are some ugly looking  
demons.

LIV  
Ygoop demons. Nasty ones too.

SUSAN  
Okay Smarty-pants. How do we kill these  
suckers?

Liv gives her a grim smile and pulls her battle  
axe off her back.

LIV  
Hack 'em to tiny bits.

Susan pulls out her sword and smiles.

SUSAN  
My kind of monster.

INT. GITTLESON FUNERAL HOME - OFFICE

Eric Gittleson, older with a receding hairline  
now, is going over some paperwork on his desk when  
he looks up to see Kennedy standing in front of  
his desk.

ERIC  
Can I help you?

KENNEDY  
You Eric Gittleson?

ERIC  
Yes.

KENNEDY  
I need to arrange a funeral.

Eric reaches for the phone.

ERIC  
The front office can help you with that.  
Let me get some-

Kennedy smacks the phone across the room.

KENNEDY  
Actually I was thinking of your funeral.

Xander and Giles walk slowly into the room

GILES  
Hello Eric.

XANDER  
Been hacking up any dead bodies to  
experiment on lately?

Eric's eyes get wider.

ERIC  
Uh...

KENNEDY  
Now Xander, you know he doesn't do that  
anymore.

ERIC  
Right! I don't do that anymore.

XANDER  
No you just sell the bodies of the  
dearly departed to the local demon  
population so they can raise up their  
own zombie army and threaten all  
existence.

ERIC  
I... I don't know anything about that.

XANDER  
Liar.

Xander leans forward into Eric's face.

XANDER  
You see I know it's...

Xander stops and tilts his head. Kennedy and Giles  
exchange a look.

GILES  
Xander?

XANDER  
...a trap.

KENNEDY  
What?

XANDER  
Run!

Eric's body shimmers and reforms into that of the  
Vizier.

VIZIER  
Too late.

The vizier gestures and shoots out beams of energy  
at our beloved heroes, knocking them unconscious.  
Two Ypoog demons appear at the door.

VIZIER  
Take the two men. Leave the girl.

INT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Liz is talking on her cell. Susan is covered in  
demon goo and somewhat angry. Liz is relatively  
clean.

SUSAN  
You didn't tell me about the exploding  
demon entrails!!

LIV  
Sorry. Squirrel to Frostbite Falls. You  
listening?

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Hear ya' loud and clear good buddy.  
What's the sitch?

LIV  
We just ran into about a dozen Ygoop  
demons.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

Maya is in front of the laptop listening to the  
radio.

ANDREW  
Ygoop demons? They don't usually reside  
in this dimension, let alone hunt in  
packs.

MAYA  
Liv, we haven't seen those things around  
here in a long time.

LIV  
(filtered)  
Not since Ms. Rosenberg blasted the  
Vizier into a hell dimension.

MAYA  
You mean...

LIV  
(filtered)  
It's possible.

KENNEDY  
(filtered)  
Would this Vizier-thing be a crusty  
looking guy with magical powers who  
likes to initiate the smackdown without  
warning?

MAYA  
Uh... sounds like him why?

INT. GITTLESON FUNERAL HOME - OFFICE

Kennedy sits on the floor licking her wounds.

KENNEDY  
Sucker just blasted me and kidnapped  
Giles and Xander. Can you check their  
GPS signal?

MAYA  
(filtered)  
I've got 'em. There hidden in a cave in  
Beggar's canyon.

KENNEDY  
That's where we're going. Push out the  
maps to the PDA'S and we'll meet there.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Liv is shaking her head.

LIV  
No.

Susan rolls her eyes at Liv.

KENNEDY  
(filtered)  
Beg pardon?

LIV  
Beggar's canyon only has one entrance to  
the cave. It's a trap. Plus the Vizier  
knows about the GPS sensors we all  
carry. He's either planted them or has a  
spell interfering with it.

KENNEDY  
(filtered)  
Kid, let me tell you something: it's  
always a trap. Now march your bony butt  
to the meeting point.

Liv shakes her head and tosses the PDA to Susan.

LIV  
Here you go. Watch your back.

Liv starts marching off. Susan checks the PDA and  
points in the other direction.

SUSAN  
But... the canyon is in the other  
direction.

LIV  
They aren't there. It's a trap. I know  
where the Vizier is and I'm going to  
stop him. Go ahead and play sister  
soldier all you want, but I've got  
better things to do.

Liv breaks out into a run. Susan shakes her head.

SUSAN  
You're going to regret this!

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

Giles and Xander hover in the air as the Vizier  
cackles gleefully at them.

VIZIER  
Well, well, well. Two watchers at my  
disposal. How shall I torture and maim  
them?

XANDER  
How about endlessly prattling on about  
how you're going to kill us? 'Cuz that's  
doing a pretty good job at annoying the  
hell out of me.

The Vizier blasts Xander and Giles with some  
magical lightning. Both scream in pain.

GILES  
So... this... is the Vizier you  
mentioned in your reports.

XANDER  
That'd be the one.

GILES  
I thought he'd be taller.

XANDER  
So what's the game plan Vizzy? Send the  
Slayer's on a false lead and into a  
trap? Because you know that never works.

VIZIER  
Oh you think so? Because my Ygoop demons  
are battling your little girls as we  
speak and when the Kosoko gets there  
they'll be dog meat.

XANDER  
It's never going to work.

VIZIER  
Oh really?

Vizier blasts Giles and Xander again.

VIZIER  
Seems to be working pretty well to me.  
Don't you get it Watcher? Me and Nuggano  
have been planning your downfall ever  
since I got sent to his hell dimension  
by that little witch of yours. For over  
900 years I was stuck there waiting for  
the proper moment to split through the  
barrier that keeps our worlds separate.  
It was then a simple plan to start  
picking off the members of your group  
one by one. Soon your slayers will be  
dead, and right after Nuggano has  
finished his purification ceremony, you  
will be his first sac- ack.

The Vizier's eyes bug out.

VIZIER  
Ack.

Giles looks over at Xander.

GILES  
What's wrong with-

The Vizier falls over. A battle axe is lodged in  
his back. Liv stands over the Vizier's body where  
she hacked him from behind.

GILES  
Oh. Never mind.

LIZ  
That guy always did enjoy the sound of  
his voice.

Xander and Giles fall to the ground.

XANDER  
Ow!

Giles groans and rubs his back.

GILES  
Well, I guess the spell that was holding  
us has lifted.

XANDER  
Glad to see that the British in you  
still speaks the obvious.

LIV  
You two okay?

GILES  
Yes. Where are the others?

Liv gives Xander her hand to help him up.

LIV  
Beggar's Canyon. Only thing is-

Xander grabs hold of Liv's hand and all the color  
drains from his face.

XANDER  
(quietly)  
It's a trap.

LIV  
That's what I tried to tell them.

VOICE  
(OS) No dear.

Giles and Liv turn to see who is speaking. Xander  
doesn't bother.

Amy stands at the entrance of the sanctum.

AMY  
He was talking about me... and a former  
student of his.

The izithunzela formerly known as Lateesha steps  
forward. Xander freezes in horror.

AMY  
This is the trap.

XANDER  
Oh god. It's Lateesha.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM - MOMENTS LATER

Giles looks at Amy and Lateesha.

GILES  
Amy.

AMY  
Giles. Xander. Good to see you again.

XANDER  
Why?

AMY  
What has it always been about? It's  
about power. I got tired working twice  
or four times of hard just even be at a  
fraction of what Willow always was. I  
needed something bigger than her. After  
you all decided to drop Sunnydale into  
the lower strata, I decided to find  
someone... something that would give me  
the power I always wanted.

XANDER  
More Power? This is all about some  
stupid jealousy thing you had about  
Will?

Amy throws her arm out and Xander flies into the  
wall.

AMY  
Idiot. Do you have any idea what I can  
do now? You won't believe the mojo I can  
work.

GILES  
But at what price?

AMY  
Oh the price? It was well worth it.

Xander groans and points at Lateesha.

XANDER  
Why her?

Amy smiles.

AMY  
Let's just say my boss is mighty pissed  
at you.

LIV  
Who is she?

XANDER  
Lateesha.

Liv looks at Xander with recognition.

AMY  
Your old slayer. After you and that old  
witch doctor banished my boss to another  
dimension, my boss made sure that he  
could communicate with me what he  
wanted. As soon as your slayer passed, I  
was there to possess her body to ensure  
your future torment. Speaking of  
which...

Amy gestures and Lateesha rushes in to attack. Liv  
grabs her battle axe from the Vizier's body and  
moves into fighting mode.

Xander and Giles move in to assist, but Amy waves  
her arm and another izithunzela pops from the  
ground blocking them. The izithunzela punches Giles  
and sends him flying into a table full of arcane  
objects and weaponry. Xander kicks the izithunzela  
away and looks around for a weapon.

Liv is attacking Lateesha with all her strength  
and skill, but Lateesha is able to block her axe  
and her blows without feeling any of the pain and  
dish in some punishment at the same time.

As the izithunzela approaches Xander, he looks  
over to where Giles landed and sees a sword. He  
dives for it and comes out swinging.

Liv does a spinning kick, knocking Lateesha back  
and follows it with an overhead swing with the  
battle axe. Lateesha catches the blade of the axe  
between her two palms, tosses the blade to the  
side and follows up with a kick to Liv's  
mid-section knocking her against the wall.

Amy watches on and smirks at the battle.

Lateesha starts delivering a series of blows on  
Liv which she can barely block. Eventually she  
stops blocking them and starts taking the  
punishment straight on... her head knocking  
against the wall with each blow.

Xander fends off the izithunzela with the sword.  
He looks over and sees Liv getting the tar beaten  
out of her and takes action. Ducking under a punch  
thrown by the izithunzela, he spins and cuts the  
izithunzela in half through the mid section. He  
impales the top half of the izithunzela into the  
ground using the sword.

Xander tackles Lateesha to the ground. Liv falls  
over unconscious. Lateesha throws Xander off of  
her and begins to strangle him.

Xander looks up at his former slayer with a  
pleading look.

XANDER  
(strangled)  
Lateesha...

The slayer turned izithunzela says nothing but  
continues to choke the living crap out of Xander.

As Xander falls unconscious, Lateesha continues to  
choke until...

KENNEDY  
(OS)Let him go you zombie bitch!

Lateesha turns just in time to see Kennedy  
(covered in Ygoop demon entrails) put a boot to  
her face.

Lateesha rolls away and rises up into a fighting  
stance. Kennedy smiles and rolls her neck.

KENNEDY  
Okay dead girl...

Kennedy goes into a pose as well.

KENNEDY  
Let's see just how good your kung fu is.

Actually... it's quite good.

What follows is a series of punches and kicks too  
fast for the eyes to follow. The only problem is  
that the undead creature doesn't feel the pain and  
Kennedy does. As the battle goes on, Kennedy  
continues to receive the punishing blows.

Bit by bit, Lateesha begins to beat down on  
Kennedy. Kennedy fights back best she can and  
summons her strength into a circle kick.

Lateesha dodges her kick, grabs the leg and with  
one violent twist we hear a nasty cracking sound.  
Kennedy falls to the ground like a rag doll.  
Lateesha, still holding the leg, twists again with  
more of a cracking sound. Kennedy screams in pain.  
Lateesha grabs Liv's fallen battle axe and brings  
it down into Kennedy as though she was chopping  
wood. She raises it again and brings it down and  
some blood flies as she brings the axe back up  
into the air...

Liv comes out of her fog and sees Lateesha about  
to bring down the axe again. She gets up to attack  
Lateesha when-

VOICE  
Stop!

Lateesha stops in mid-swing. Liv looks over to see  
Giles standing behind Amy with a knife at her  
throat.

AMY  
You wouldn't.

GILES  
I think you know I would.

AMY  
Well then. Another day.

Amy gestures and she and Lateesha teleport out.  
Giles rushes over to Kennedy and Liv checks on  
Xander.

LIV  
Mr. Harris?

Xander groans and looks up at Liv.

XANDER  
Are you okay?

LIV  
I'm fine, but...

Liv can't bring herself to finish the sentence.  
Xander looks over to Kennedy and Giles.

XANDER  
Oh God no.

Xander crawls to Kennedy. He pushes Giles away and  
rolls her over. Her lower half of her body looks like  
a pretzel.

XANDER  
Ken... Oh God. Oh God.

Kennedy tries to smile.

KENNEDY  
Think he's listening?

GILES  
Come on. We'll get you to a-

Kennedy coughs up some blood. She smiles bitterly.

KENNEDY  
Don't play with me Giles. I know what's  
coming.

XANDER  
Jesus Ken-

KENNEDY  
Hey. It was either me or you...(coughs)  
and there was no way in hell I was going  
back to Red saying I let you die.

Xander chokes on something that's somewhere  
between a laugh and a sob. Giles looks away. Kennedy  
looks toward Liv.

KENNEDY  
Hey kid.

Liv looks up tearfully at Kennedy. Kennedy coughs  
up some more blood.

KENNEDY  
You wanted to know where I learned about  
being a slayer? I'll tell you right now  
it wasn't from Buffy or Faith. It's from  
the guy who risked his life for me and  
paid the price for it. You want to learn  
how to be a Slayer?

Kennedy thumps her fist on the center of Xander's  
chest. It leaves a blood stain.

KENNEDY  
It's all right here. You get me?

Tears stream down Liv's cheeks.

LIV  
Yes, Ma'am.

Kennedy turns to Xander.

KENNEDY  
You said something about the victims  
coming back as one of them?

Xander nods.

KENNEDY  
Don't let me be a victim.

Giles takes Liv by the shoulder and leads her  
away.

LIV  
But...

GILES  
Slayer or not, You shouldn't see this.

Giles leads Liv out of the room.

XANDER  
I'm sorry Kennedy.

KENNEDY  
You think I didn't know this day was  
coming? Quit being a wuss Harris. At  
least I didn't go down like a punk.  
Let's this over with.

Xander nods. He pulls the knife from Kennedy's  
boot and puts it in her hand.

KENNEDY  
Hey. You know what to tell her, right?

XANDER  
"It didn't hurt a bit."

KENNEDY  
She'll know you're lying.

Xander gives her a grim smile.

XANDER  
She always does.

Kennedy looks at the knife.

KENNEDY  
Man (coughs) this is going to suck.

Kennedy positions the dagger on her chest. Just as  
she thrusts, Xander turns away and we...

GO TO BLACK

We hear a grunt of pain. A coughing noise then  
nothing else.

END ACT IV


	10. Chapter 10

TEASER

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

It's pandemonium in the kitchen. Susan, Arin and  
Louise (visiting slayers from last episode) are  
groaning and moaning as Lucy patches them up with  
the assistance of Maya and Andrew.

ANDREW  
So their entrails exploded into goo upon  
impact? That is so cool! Did they-

SUSAN  
Someone get this dweeb away from me.

MAYA  
Andrew, did I mention that Liv has the  
special edition DVD of "Manos: The Hands  
of Fate" with commentary by Hal Warren  
and John Reynolds?

Andrew inhales in excitement.

ANDREW  
Get out!

LUCY  
Yes. Please do.

Andrew runs out of the room like a little girl.

SUSAN  
Thank God.

LUCY  
I never thought I'd see the day where  
I'd be happy about Liv's obscure B-movie  
collection.

MAYA  
Maybe I should suggest that Andrew take  
it with him so we don't have to  
experience Torgo's giant knees on Liv's  
next "B-Movie Birthday Festival".

ARIN  
You people are pretty strange. You know  
that, right?

MAYA  
Sister, you have no idea.

LUCY  
Remind me to tell you about the time  
Liv-

The kitchen door opens and Liv, Giles and Xander  
walk in. They are all bruised and battered and  
they say nothing.

LUCY  
Oh thank god you're all right! We hadn't  
heard-

Lucy sees the look on Xander's face and stops  
cold.

LUCY  
What happened?

Xander doesn't say anything. Liv rushes over to  
her Mom and starts sobbing into her shoulder. Lucy  
looks over at Giles and Xander.

LOUISE  
What happened to Kennedy?

Again with the no response. Giles takes off his  
glasses to polish them only to notice that the  
lenses are cracked. He tosses the frames on the  
counter. Xander starts to walk out of the room.

LUCY  
Sparky?

Xander turns and gives Lucy a sad smile.

XANDER  
I'm sorry... I...

Xander shakes his head and tries to get a grip.

XANDER  
I've... I've got a phone call to make.

GILES  
She's in-

XANDER  
London.

Giles nods. Xander exits the room. The visiting  
slayers all give each other a wary look.

LOUISE  
Where's Kennedy?

Giles looks away.

GILES  
She's.. She's dead.

The slayers quietly absorb this.

MAYA  
What happened?

GILES  
It... I'm sorry. I can't right now.  
Girls go get your things together.  
You're leaving for Cleveland in the  
morning. I-

Giles can't finish. He gets up and walks out of  
the room.

Liv continues to sob. Lucy holds onto her even  
tighter. Maya wipes a tear from her eye and the  
visiting slayers look around in a mixture of sadness  
and confusion.

Andrew bursts into the room holding two DVD boxes

ANDREW  
You have "The Beast of Yucca Flats" and  
"Gamera: Guardian of the Universe"? This  
is the best collection I've ever seen!

All the girls shoot Andrew a withering look.

ANDREW  
What?

END TEASER

 

ACT I

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Liv sits on the couch channel surfing. Lucy enters  
the room with keys in her hand.

LUCY  
Let's go Sporty Spice. It's off to the  
airport with you.

Liv just looks at her Mom and then back to the TV.

LUCY  
Come on. Do it for Sparky.

Liv turns off the TV and heads toward the door.

LIV  
I'm going to Maya's.

LUCY  
Honey...

Liv turns and faces Lucy. She's getting teary.

LIV  
I can't face her, Mom.

Lucy walks over and gives her daughter a hug. Liv  
starts to cry.

LUCY  
Shhh. Okay. It's okay. I understand.

CUT TO:

INT. CAPE KENNETH AIRPORT

Xander and Lucy stand at the baggage claim. Xander  
is in his own little world.

LUCY  
The... uh plane is supposed to be  
unloading right now.

XANDER  
Okay.

Awkward pause ensues.

LUCY  
How's the pain?

XANDER  
Pills are helping.

LUCY  
Is there a reason why she just  
didn't...?

XANDER  
Zap over?

LUCY  
Yeah.

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
Will's mojo can be a little overwhelming  
during an emotional crisis.  
Trans-Atlantic flight seemed the best  
route.

LUCY  
Is she going to be okay?

XANDER  
Considering there's not a body count  
this time, I think we'll be okay.

Lucy goes pale.

LUCY  
Body count?

XANDER  
Uh... yeah. Um. Long story.

Lucy tries to joke and nudges Xander with her  
elbow.

LUCY  
I swear you people cause more  
apocalypses than anyone I know.

Xander gives her a sad smile.

XANDER  
Ain't that the truth.

Lucy looks over and sees Willow.

LUCY  
There she is!

XANDER  
Where? I don't see her?

Lucy waves at Willow who walks over. Willow is  
tired, sad and has teary red eyes from crying. She  
gives them a tired smile.

WILLOW  
I'm right here silly.

Xander waves his arms around as though trying to  
find something he can't see and acts goofy.

XANDER  
Nope. Definitely not here. Must be  
blocking us from seeing her again.

Willow smiles and smacks Xander in the arm. Xander  
flounders around the room.

XANDER  
Ow! Invisible woman attacking! Danger  
Will Robinson!

Willow laughs and then suddenly bursts into tears.  
Xander goes from goofy friend to comfortador in  
zero seconds flat.

Lucy watches the two friends hug with awkward  
embarrassment. Willow sobs on Xander's shoulder.

XANDER  
I'm sorry Willow.

Lucy looks away, a worried look on her face.  
Willow pulls back and looks at Xander.

WILLOW  
I want to see her.

XANDER  
Wills, I don't think that's a good idea.

Willow gives Xander the "look" and points to her  
face.

XANDER  
Facial expressions kind of lost on me  
nowadays Will.

WILLOW  
You know what it means though, right?

Xander sighs.

Lucy watches them in the background, already  
knowing what is going to happen next.

INT. COUNTY MORGUE

Willow and Xander walk down the hallway to the  
Morgue entrance, with Lucy trailing after them.  
They stop in front of the door.

XANDER  
You sure about this?

WILLOW  
No.

Xander opens the door. Willow takes a deep breath  
and bravely walks through. Xander looks back at  
Lucy who shakes her head. Xander nods and follows  
Willow.

Lucy sits down in one of the chairs in the  
hallway, hugging herself as though she is cold.

From inside the morgue we hear Willow begin to sob  
again.

WILLOW(OS)  
Oh baby!

Lucy closes her eyes turns her head away from the  
morgue.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

Lucy is doing dishes and talking to herself.

LUCY  
What did you expect? It's a morgue. It  
always freaks you out. So why am I  
talking to myself?

Lucy puts the last dish in the drying rack. She  
grips the counter with a pained look on her face.

LUCY  
Because it could've been your daughter.

Xander walks into the kitchen. Lucy puts on a fake  
smile.

LUCY  
How she doing?

XANDER  
She's talking with Giles.

Xander collapses into a chair.

LUCY  
You okay?

XANDER  
Yeah. Turns out Kennedy and her parents  
didn't get along too well when they  
found out about her  
not-so-closet-slash-slayer lifestyle  
so...

LUCY  
Willow has to handle the funeral  
details?

XANDER  
Actually I'm handling the funeral  
details.

Lucy starts rubbing Xander's shoulders.

LUCY  
You're a good friend.

Xander nods.

XANDER  
Yeah. I've got to track down a  
non-demonic funeral home. A church for  
the services and then someplace for the  
wake.

LUCY  
Have it here.

XANDER  
What?

LUCY  
Have the wake here. I'll get a caterer.

XANDER  
You sure? We're talking about a bunch of  
slayers and watchers coming to town and-

Xander slaps his head.

XANDER  
Damn it.

LUCY  
What?

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
Buffy.

INT. CAPE KENNETH AIRPORT.

Lucy stands at the baggage claim looking around, muttering  
to herself.

LUCY  
Okay... Only met her once. She just  
wanted to leave your boyfriend to die.  
"Can you pick her up at the airport?"  
Sure... no problem...

Lucy sighs.

LUCY  
Should be fun.

Lucy turns and sees a flash of blond hair.

LUCY  
Buffy!

Buffy Summers turns and smiles awkwardly at Lucy.

BUFFY  
Lisa!

Lucy's fake smile falters.

BUFFY  
Oh God. I got it wrong.

LUCY  
Well-

BUFFY  
Louise?

Lucy's fake smile totally drops.

LUCY  
Lucy.

BUFFY  
Lucy!

LUCY  
Yes. That would be me.

Lucy and Buffy stare at each other for a moment in  
awkward silence. Lucy gestures to Buffy, who picks  
up her suitcase and follows after Lucy.

BUFFY  
I'm so sorry, it's just been so crazy  
this past year and-

LUCY  
It's okay.

Buffy smiles. Lucy gives her a half-smile.

BUFFY  
Did I ever apologize for...?

Buffy tries to find a nice way to put it.

LUCY  
Deciding to leave my boyfriend to die at  
the hands of an apocalyptic cult until  
my daughter smacked some sense into you?

BUFFY  
Um. Yeah.

LUCY  
No. But Xander forgave you so-

Lucy shrugs. Buffy sighs.

BUFFY  
So... I'm still in the doghouse but  
you're willing to up with me for  
Xander's sake.

LUCY  
I wouldn't say that.

Buffy holds up a foil package with a hopeful  
smile.

BUFFY  
You want my honey roasted peanuts?

Lucy gives Buffy a wary look. Buffy's smile fades.

LUCY  
You think you can buy me off with  
peanuts?

Buffy gives Lucy the big puppy dog eyes.

BUFFY  
Honey *roasted* peanuts. They're good  
'cuz they're roasted. With honey.

Lucy laughs and takes the packet of peanuts. Buffy  
smiles and they continue to walk.

LUCY  
Did you pick that look up from my  
daughter?

BUFFY  
Nope. Part of the slayer arsenal. You  
lure them in with the puppy dog eyes and  
then beat the crap out of them.

Buffy face take a serious turn.

BUFFY  
How's she doing?

LUCY  
She's doing okay. We picked her up from  
her flight and she's resting now at the  
house.

Buffy gives Lucy a knowing glance.

BUFFY  
I'm sorry. I meant Liv.

LUCY  
(sighs)  
She's... She's afraid to talk to Willow.  
Among other things.

Buffy gives Lucy an encouraging smile.

BUFFY  
I'll give her a talk of pep. It helps to  
have someone around who's done this  
before.

Lucy isn't too thrilled about that for some  
reason.

LUCY  
Yeah. Great.

END ACT I

ACT II

The doorbell rings.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - FOYER - Evening

Lucy, dressed in black, opens the door to reveal  
Maya, who is also dressed for a funeral.

LUCY  
Damn it!

MAYA  
Nice to see you too.

Lucy frowns and motions Maya inside.

LUCY  
Sorry sweetie. The caterer hasn't shown  
up yet and I've been trying to stretch  
raw vegetables and Kool aid for over an  
hour.

MAYA  
Anything I can do?

LUCY  
Check my pantry. I think I have a couple  
of cans of cocktail wieners someplace.

MAYA  
I'm not going to run into Andrew am I?  
'Cuz if he starts up with that damn  
Picard vs. Kirk debate...

LUCY  
He and the girls left this morning, but  
as you can see....

Lucy motions to the living room which is jam  
packed with various slayers and watchers.

MAYA  
You better have a lot of cocktail  
wieners.

LUCY  
Shoo. Go find food.

Maya hustles to the kitchen. The doorbell rings  
again. Lucy sighs and opens the door to reveal a  
pissed off Dawn and a large set of luggage.

LUCY  
Dawn?

DAWN  
Is your boyfriend here? 'Cuz he must  
die.

Lucy starts helping Dawn move luggage inside.

LUCY  
(calling out)  
Xander!  
(To Dawn)  
What happened?

DAWN  
Someone was supposed to pick me up at  
the airport two hours ago.

Xander is walking down the hallway, sees Dawn's  
pissed off expression and turns 180 degrees.

DAWN  
Harris! Get your sorry butt over here!

Xander puts on a happy grin.

XANDER  
Dawn! So good to see you.

DAWN  
You were supposed to pick me up.

XANDER  
I was?

DAWN  
I've spent the last hour in a cab  
because you also didn't tell me your  
firehouse was in rubble condition and  
where the wake was supposed to be.

XANDER  
I didn't?

DAWN  
You're a dead man Harris.

XANDER  
Before I'm totally dead, Lucy I want you  
to meet Dawn.

LUCY  
We've met.

XANDER  
You have?

DAWN  
I was kidnapped by the Vizier?

LUCY  
She was rescued by Liv and Willow?

Xander's drawing a blank.

LUCY  
(menacing)  
Our first date.

XANDER  
Right! Right! I remember.

Lucy and Dawn are both giving Xander a steely  
glare.

XANDER  
Um... I'm just going to be...

Xander takes off like a shot. Dawn grins.

DAWN  
He's so skittish. I love that.

LUCY  
I'm glad you made it. Willow will be  
happy to see you.

DAWN  
How's she doing?

LUCY  
Well everyone keeps commenting on the  
fact that her hair isn't black and that  
there are no visible veins on her face  
so....

DAWN  
...it's a good sign. Where is she?

LUCY  
Living room.

DAWN  
I better...

LUCY  
Yeah, I know. Go be comforting.

Maya comes out of the kitchen with a tray of food.

LUCY  
What's that?

MAYA  
Mini-pizza bagels. Found them in the  
freezer and I nuked the hell out of  
them. I found the cocktail wieners, but  
have you ever seen what they are packed  
in? Ewww.

Lucy grins and takes the tray.

LUCY  
Thanks, I'll take it from here.

MAYA  
Where's Liv?

LUCY  
Someplace in the throng.

Maya disappears into the throng. Xander comes up  
to her.

LUCY  
Hey.

XANDER  
Hey. Can you get Liv into the kitchen  
without a big scene?

LUCY  
Why?

XANDER  
Trouble.

LUCY  
What kind?

XANDER  
Usual stuff.

Xander heads off to the kitchen.

LUCY  
(to Liv OS)  
Sweetie? Can you help me in the kitchen?

LIV  
(OS)Sure Mom!

Liv bounces ahead of Lucy into the kitchen. Lucy  
enters the living room.

LUCY  
Hey guys. A little snack food to tide  
you over until the caterer shows up!

BUFFY  
Thanks Lisa.

Dawn makes a coughing noise and nudges Buffy.

BUFFY  
(quickly)  
I mean Lucy.

LUCY  
It's okay.

BUFFY  
No. I'm so-

Buffy's expression goes blank. Suddenly the room  
goes very quiet.

LUCY  
"So" what?

BUFFY  
Spike.

LUCY  
What?

Lucy turns and sees Spike standing motionless in  
the doorway. Dawn pulls a Giles and starts rubbing  
the bridge of her nose.

DAWN  
Oh boy. Here we go again.

GILES  
(Sighs)  
Do tell.

Buffy and Spike square off in the living room.

BUFFY  
I didn't expect to see you here.

SPIKE  
What _did_ you expect?

Willow leans in to Lucy.

WILLOW  
(sotto)  
If you have anything breakable in here,  
you might want to move it.

Lucy frowns; grabs a couple of valuables and beats a hasty exit to the kitchen.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

Shouts from Buffy and Spikes argument can be heard  
as Lucy walks into the kitchen carrying some  
breakable items from the living room. Xander and  
Liv are talking.

XANDER  
...so go suit up.

LUCY  
What's wrong?

XANDER  
Vision. Couple of Gnarl demons are  
plaguing the west side.

LUCY  
A what kind of demon?

Liv scrunches her face in disgust.

LIV  
Eye-pokey demons.

LUCY  
Ewww. Are you going to get anyone...?

Lucy motions to the living room

XANDER  
No. This is about Kennedy tonight. I  
don't want them to think about anything  
else. C'mon Liv, let's get a move on.

Liv runs upstairs to change. Xander grabs his  
coat.

XANDER  
You okay?

LUCY  
I'm fine.

XANDER  
You look tired. Have you eaten anything?  
Because you look like you have that low  
blood sugary thing going on.

LUCY  
I'm fine.

XANDER  
Think you'll be all right with this  
bunch for a couple of hours?

SPIKE  
(OS) Bloody hell!

Lucy gives Xander a half-hearted smile.

LUCY  
No problem.

Spike stomps in from the other room. Buffy is  
trailing after him.

BUFFY  
Don't you walk away from me!

SPIKE  
I'll walk where I'll bloody well want  
to!!

XANDER  
Guys!

Spike and Buffy look at Xander in surprise.

XANDER  
Hello! Wake! This is about Kennedy. This  
is about Willow. You think you two can  
stop bickering like children for a  
couple of hours and pay them some  
respect?

Spike and Buffy hang their heads in embarrassment.

SPIKE  
(quiet)  
She started it.

Buffy sighs in exasperation and then notices  
Xander with his coat on.

BUFFY  
Where are you going?

XANDER  
Couple of demons need to be taken care  
of.

Liv walks into the room dressed in her patrol  
gear.

BUFFY  
Need any help?

XANDER  
No, we can handle it. Go take care of  
Willow. Spike... you can just go.

SPIKE  
What'd I do?

Buffy gives Spike a glare and walks out of the  
room.

XANDER  
You ready Livster?

LIV  
Yes. And please stop calling me that.

XANDER  
Perhaps you prefer "Olivia Oil"?

Xander and Liv head for the door. Liv gives Lucy a  
peck on the cheek before heading out.

LUCY  
Be careful.

LIV  
We will.

XANDER  
Or perhaps "Fabulous Fontaine"?

LIV  
Yeah. Really. Stop it.

Xander and Liv head out the back door. Lucy gives  
them a sad smile and tries to put together another  
appetizer tray.

SPIKE  
It's a bum rap you know.

LUCY  
What is?

SPIKE  
Your situation.

Spike reaches for a cocktail wiener. Lucy smacks his  
hand away.

SPIKE  
Being a girlfriend to the watcher and a  
mother to a slayer.

LUCY  
My situation is just... fine.

SPIKE  
You remind me a lot of Joyce.

LUCY  
Who's Joyce?

SPIKE  
Buffy's Mom. Except for the sarcasm and  
snarky exterior, you're dead on. It was  
bad enough before she knew Buffy was the  
slayer. What with Buffy burning down  
schools and the slaying and all. Even  
after she found out she was all milk and  
cookies... for the most part. She kept  
it all bottled too. I don't know how you do  
it.

LUCY  
Do what? You mean how I deal with the  
fact that the people I love the most are  
always in mortal danger?

SPIKE  
No. How you deal with the fact that one  
day whelp and half-pint are going to  
meet something nasty they can't handle.

Lucy gives Spike a withering look.

SPIKE  
What? You think everyone here is going  
to have a happily-ever-after? The group  
out there's been living on borrowed time  
for years now. Your daughter will  
probably-

LUCY  
Get out.

Spike registers the look on Lucy's face and starts  
to head for the back door. He turns and looks back  
at Lucy.

SPIKE  
If you haven't thought about it luv, I  
suggest you do. No one here is going to  
die of old age.

LUCY  
Get. Out.

SPIKE  
Suit yourself.

Spike exits through the back door. Lucy looks  
around at the crappy appetizers in front of her.

LUCY  
"Have the wake here." It won't be a  
problem at all! When am I going to think  
before I speak?

There's a knock at the door. Lucy opens the door  
to see a woman and two men carrying trays of food.  
Lucy motions them to come in.

LUCY  
Oh thank God, you made it.

WOMAN  
I'm sorry we're late. Our van broke  
down.

LUCY  
That's okay, you can set up the food in  
the dining room through there.

WOMAN  
Guys? Get to it. My name's Chloe. If you  
need anything ask me. I'll talk to my  
boss about getting your bill reduced for  
the lateness. Go take care of your  
guests, I'll take care of anything else.

Without a word the crew goes to work setting  
things up. Lucy watches them for a moment and then  
peers through the door to the living room.

The sheer number of watchers and hot-to-trot  
slayers boggles the mind.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Lucy enters the room and sees Buffy talking with  
Dawn and Giles. Buffy waves Lucy over.

BUFFY  
Lisa!

Dawn rolls her eyes and nudges Buffy again. Giles  
coughs emphatically.

BUFFY  
Lucy! God! I'm soooo sorry.

Lucy smiles.

LUCY  
It's okay. I just wanted to thank you  
and Giles for talking with Liv.

BUFFY  
Oh! Not a problem. It's not like we  
haven't all gone through it before.

GILES  
Yes and Liv is quite the resilient one.  
I expect she'll be back to her old self  
in no time.

DAWN  
Not everyone does. Remember when you  
told Mom and I that you died the first  
time?

Lucy frowns.

LUCY  
Died?

BUFFY  
It was only for a minute.  
(to Dawn)  
You were there when I told Mom?

DAWN  
Hello! I didn't come out of my room for  
a week.

Lucy doesn't like what she's hearing at all.

LUCY  
I'm sorry did you say the first time? As  
in there was a second?

BUFFY  
Yeah, that time it was for a lot longer.  
Willow had to bring on some major dark  
mojo to bring me back that time.

Lucy really doesn't like the sound of that. Giles  
notices and tries to intervene.

GILES  
Yes. Well perhaps now's not the time to-

Chloe approaches Lucy.

CHLOE  
Ms. Fontaine? The food is all set up.

BUFFY  
Oh thank God! I'm starved.

DAWN  
When aren't you?

GILES  
I have to admit at being a bit peckish.

DAWN  
Having the crap beaten out of you tends  
to do that.

GILES  
Hey now-

LUCY  
Why don't you guys get a head start?  
I'll make the announcement after you get  
there.

BUFFY  
Oh! First in line!

Buffy, Dawn and Giles move on in front of the  
crowd.

LUCY  
Hey everyone! The caterer is finally  
here and are set up in the dining room.  
So when you guys are ready to eat...

The mob of people head toward the dining room.  
Lucy notices Willow sitting in a chair by herself  
and approaches her.

LUCY  
How you holding up?

WILLOW  
Oh. You know. Stiff upper lip and all  
that. Well actually it's more like a  
limp upper lip since I burst into tears  
at random and without warning..

Lucy gives Willow a sympathetic pat on the back.

LUCY  
I know how that is. Everyone keeps  
commenting on how well you are taking  
it.

WILLOW  
Yeah well when the person you love dies  
and your hair doesn't go black and you  
don't start down the road of a  
apocalypse, it's usually a plus.

Willow tries to laugh but fails. Lucy gives her a  
small smile. Willow sighs.

WILLOW  
I don't know. It's different this time  
too, you know? When Tara died she was...  
well almost an innocent. Of the fray  
adjacent crowd. With Kennedy... she was  
a slayer.

Lucy swallows hard at the comment.

WILLOW  
Danger is part of the job. I always knew  
there could always be a possibility that  
when I kissed her goodbye before she  
went off on a mission that it could be  
her-

Lucy starts tearing up.

LUCY  
Excuse me I-

Lucy starts heading toward the kitchen. Willow  
realizes what she just said.

WILLOW  
Oh! Lucy! I'm sorry I-

LUCY  
Don't worry about it. I'm just going to-

Tears start rolling down Lucy's face. She rushes  
into the kitchen. Willow stands there crestfallen.  
Dawn and Giles approach with plates of food.

DAWN  
Hey Wills. Brought you some munchies.  
What's wrong?

Willow takes some food from the plate and takes a bite. She frowns.

WILLOW  
Just tasting the foot in my mouth.

GILES  
Actually that's a pig in a blanket.

Buffy approaches with a enormous amount of food  
stacked on her plate.

BUFFY  
(mouth full)  
Where's Lisa?

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

Lucy is leaning up against the counter sobbing her  
eyes out. Chloe enters the kitchen.

CHLOE  
Ms. Fontaine? Are you okay?

Lucy clamps down and wipes away the tears.

LUCY  
I'm okay.

CHLOE  
So the runny mascara thing is the new  
look?

Lucy starts tearing up again.

CHLOE  
Are you sure you're okay?

LUCY  
It's just that the person who died. The  
girl whose wake this is for... It could  
have been my daughter.

CHLOE  
Whoa.

LUCY  
The girl who died saved my daughter and  
my boyfriend's life and I feel horrible  
but I can't help think...

CHLOE  
"What would have happened if she wasn't  
there?"

Lucy nods.

LUCY  
To top it off, my daughter was so upset,  
and so I tried to comfort her but in the  
end she turned to this bimbo for help  
instead of me.

CHLOE  
Wow that's harsh.

LUCY  
I just don't know what to do. The two  
people I care most for in this world  
almost died and I... I don't know how to  
handle this anymore...

CHLOE  
You know most cultures in this world  
don't think of death as an ending. In  
fact there are those who think that  
death is just the beginning of many  
different possibilities. There are those  
who say that the dead have even stronger  
ties to their love ones after they pass  
on.

Lucy is strangely comforted by this.

LUCY  
Really?

CHLOE  
One tribe in South America believes that  
when a soul passes on where a true loved  
one is left behind, that soul will  
remain with the loved one until they  
join him or her in the afterlife.

LUCY  
Really? How do you know so much about  
this?

CHLOE  
I work a lot of these things. Plus I  
happen to be dead myself.

Lucy does a double and then a triple take

LUCY  
You're what?

CHLOE  
Dead. Well undead really.

LUCY  
What?

The two men who came in with Chloe enter the room.

CHLOE  
Are they all ready?

The two men nod and then vamp out. Lucy's mouth  
drops open in shock. Chloe turns and smirks at  
Lucy.

CHLOE  
Well then. Time to snack.

Lucy screams in horror and runs from the room

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy runs out of the kitchen in a panic looking  
for help-

Only to find everyone on the floor asleep.

CHLOE(OS)  
Sleeping potion.

Lucy turns to see Chloe and her two vamps sneering  
at her. Chloe smirks.

CHLOE  
Not all vampires like the chase.

Lucy makes a dash for the door but is easily  
caught by Chloe's hench-pires.

CHLOE  
Don't worry. This will only hurt-

Chloe puts her game face on. She shrugs

CHLOE  
-a lot.

Chloe leans into the Lucy's neck. Lucy tries to  
get away from the hold the vampires have on her  
but it is no use. Chloe licks Lucy's neck. Lucy  
whimpers in fear and scrunches her eyes shut.

Chloe slowly takes a bite.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM - JUST WHERE WE LEFT OFF

Chloe is sinking her teeth into Lucy's neck. Lucy  
cries out in pain-

...and then she cries out in surprise as the front  
window breaks and what can be described as only a  
blur races toward Chloe

Chloe pulls back from Lucy's neck in time to see  
the fist which sends her flying into the wall.

Liv stands over Chloe. With the look Liv has on  
her face it is a wonder Chloe doesn't burst into  
dust right now.

LIV  
Get away from my Mom you undead bitch!

The two vampires holding Lucy look on in shock.

Which is good because it gives Xander a chance to  
stake one of them from behind.

Chloe does a standing kick, knocking back Liv. The  
other vampire recovers and attacks Xander. Lucy  
falls to the ground holding her neck, but watching  
in amazement.

Liv recovers and pushes forward with a spinning  
kick followed by a series of punches which Chloe  
is able to block. Chloe catches Liv's fist and  
uses Liv's momentum to send her flying. Liv rolls  
to her feet right next to Willow who is lying on  
the floor.

WILLOW  
(mumbles, in sleep)  
Tadpoles!

Liv gives her a weird look and goes to attack  
Chloe again.

While normally Xander would not be a match for a  
vampire... Well he's in pissed off mode. Xander  
slams the vampire into the wall and proceeds to  
beat the snot out of him.

XANDER  
Did you-  
(Punch)  
really think-  
(Punch)  
that my-  
(Punch)  
girlfriend-  
(Grab vamp and slams him against  
the wall)  
was a snack?

The vampire head butts Xander and follows it with  
a punch, knocking him to the ground

VAMPIRE  
She will be.

The vampire jumps on top of Xander.

LUCY  
Liv!

Liv turns from her pummeling of Chloe and sees  
Xander in trouble. She leaps across the room;  
pulls out a stake and stabs the vampire in the  
back. The vampire explodes into dust and Liv lands  
on Xander.

LIV  
You okay?

XANDER  
I'm all right.

Liv turns and sees that Chloe has disappeared.

LIV  
Crap!

XANDER  
Check the house. Make sure she's not  
hiding in the house.

Liv is off like a shot. Xander crawls over to Lucy  
who's practically in hysterics. Xander grabs hold  
of her.

XANDER  
You okay?

LUCY  
(sobbing)  
Uh-huh.

XANDER  
Let me see...

Xander checks Lucy's neck as Lucy continues to  
sob.

LUCY  
Damn it!

XANDER  
Shhh. You're okay.

LUCY  
I invited them in!

XANDER  
Hey. It's okay. You're okay.

LUCY  
They could've killed all your friends!

XANDER  
I'm more worried about you at the  
moment. Come here.

Xander pulls Lucy into his lap on the floor. Lucy  
leans on Xander's shoulder while curling up into a  
little ball. He holds her there while she cries.

XANDER  
You're okay.

Lucy sniffs and wipes her eyes.

LUCY  
How did...?

XANDER  
Got a vision.

Lucy nods.

LUCY  
That your friends were in danger.

XANDER  
No. Just you.

Lucy gives Xander a meaningful look. She sniffs.

LUCY  
Really? I mean with all the important  
people here I thought that-

Xander silences her with a kiss.

XANDER  
'Ya see. That's where you're a dumbass.  
You think I could do any of this stuff  
without you?

Lucy looks around at the room at the sleeping  
watchers, slayers. Willow rolls over on the floor.

WILLOW  
(mumbles)  
Silly frog. Nobody wants your eyeballs.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM - LATER

Xander is busy hammering up a piece of large  
plywood to cover the broken window. The rest of  
the watchers and slayers have left leaving only Lucy,  
Liv, Maya, Dawn and Willow to watch.

WILLOW  
Now this brings back memories.

DAWN  
Mr. Fix-it strikes again.

LUCY  
(to Liv)  
You *had* to go through the window?

LIV  
Well...

LUCY  
You couldn't use the door?

LIV  
Easiest access point. Plus... Hello  
element of surprise.

Maya gives Liv a knowing glance.

MAYA  
You just wanted to make a cool entrance,  
didn't you?

Liv grins.

LIV  
It was cool wasn't it?

Lucy rolls her eyes.

LUCY  
You went through the window just to be  
cool?

DAWN  
All the kids are doing it these days.

WILLOW  
Hey, if this is the first time that  
window got broken, count yourself lucky  
missy.

DAWN  
We used to have the contractor on speed  
dial before Xander became Mr. Fix-it.

LIV  
Plus... hello? Handsome work crew will  
be coming in to repair this. You should  
be thanking me.

Xander steps down off the ladder

XANDER  
Sorry to disappoint, but the only guy  
you'll be drooling over is me.

Lucy snuggles up to Xander.

LUCY  
I think I can handle that.

Liv and Maya roll their eyes and give Willow and  
Dawn a knowing look.

LIV  
Okay. This would be the part where we  
need to leave.

WILLOW  
Awww... but look how cute they are.

Liv and Maya take Willow and Dawn by the arms and  
walk them out of the room.

MAYA  
This is just the initial stage. If we  
hang out too long we'll need insulin.

Lucy smiles.

LUCY  
Ungrateful whelps.

LIV & MAYA  
Whatever.

As soon as Liv, Maya and Willow leaves, Lucy gives  
Xander a long passionate kiss.

XANDER  
What was that for?

LUCY  
Mmmmm... Being my guy. Saving my life.  
Fixing my window.

XANDER  
Technically that's just plywood.

LUCY  
Uh-huh. Still pretty cool of you.

Xander takes a deep breath.

XANDER  
Listen. I've got favor to ask. And this  
can't be the kind of favor you  
immediately agree to because I'm a  
handsome devil and then later sit in a  
room talking to yourself about what an  
idiot you were to do the favor in the  
first place.

Lucy scrunches her face.

LUCY  
You know I do that?

Xander smiles and gently taps her chin with his  
fist.

XANDER  
Just one of the many things I like about  
you.

LUCY  
What's the favor?

XANDER  
Willow. Dawn.

Liv nods.

LUCY  
They need a place to stay?

XANDER  
Willow needs her friends, and I can  
really use their help.

Lucy gives Xander a winning smile.

LUCY  
Okay. But only if you take out the  
garbage.

Xander gives a look of mock outrage.

XANDER  
Hey! I save your life; fix your window  
and I still have to take out the  
garbage? Your honor! I object!

LUCY  
Overruled, Sparky. Take out the garbage  
or I'll tell Liv the about the Aquaman  
underoos incident.

Xander goes pale in fear.

XANDER  
Willow!

WILLOW(OS)  
She tricked me!

Lucy gives Xander a wily grin. Xander shakes his  
head knowing he's lost.

CUT TO:

EXT. FONTAINE BACKYARD

Xander walks into the backyard carrying the  
garbage. He exits through the fence gate and drops  
the bags in the trash bin. He hears a soft groaning  
sound from around the corner of the fence. Xander  
goes into stealth mode and picks up a nearby pipe  
to use as a club.

He jumps around the corner... club at the ready  
and...

Makes a look of disgust.

ANGLE ON:

Spike and Buffy are passionately snogging each  
other with Buffy's back against the fence.

XANDER  
What *is* it with you two?

Spike and Buffy jump away.

SPIKE  
Uh.. we were.. uh..

BUFFY  
Just... um... going over-

XANDER  
Each others tonsils?

Spike and Buffy look around embarrassed. Xander  
tosses the pipe on the ground and walks away with  
a disgusted look.

XANDER  
Get a crypt, would ya?

INT. A COMMERCIAL KITCHEN

Chloe stands in the middle of the kitchen facing  
someone we can't see.

CHLOE  
...then the slayer burst through the  
window and I had to make a break for it.  
Heckle and Jeckle got dusted.

VOICE  
(British accent)  
No matter.

Ethan Rayne steps into view.

ETHAN  
There's more than one way to bring down  
a slayer.

Ethan smiles and holds out a wrapped chocolate bar  
to Chloe.

ETHAN  
Chocolate?

GO TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	11. Band Candy II: The Return of Ethan Rayne

TEASER

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT

Xander has a doubtful look on his face.

XANDER  
How is this supposed to work exactly?

ANGLE ON: The corner of the basement.

Willow has put together a meditation corner  
complete with mats, rice paper screens with  
Chinese characters written on them and a small water  
fountain.

WILLOW  
It's supposed to help you attain a  
meditative state necessary for you to  
achieve a better understanding with your  
power of foresight.

XANDER  
And you learned this from?

Willow holds up a book titled "Out of Body  
Experiences in 30 days."

WILLOW  
It's the standard textbook for all  
potential seers.

XANDER  
Yeah. Right. This is some sort of New  
Age crap isn't it?

Willow pouts.

WILLOW  
You were the one who said that you were  
getting tired of only getting a two  
minute warning when danger came  
erupting.

XANDER  
I know but-

WILLOW  
Then park your butt on the floor mister!

XANDER  
Will...

Willow gives Xander the look and points to her  
face. Xander sighs.

XANDER  
Facial expressions are kind of lost on-

WILLOW  
Sit!

Xander obediently sits down on the mat. Willow  
joins him.

WILLOW  
Now assume the lotus position.

XANDER  
What's the-

Willow places her heels on her upper thighs.

XANDER  
Oh hell no!

Willow points to her face again. Xander sighs and  
then groans as he pulls his feet into position.

WILLOW  
Ready?

XANDER  
(sighs)  
Yes.

WILLOW  
Okay. Now drink this.

Willow hands Xander a glass of red liquid.

XANDER  
What's this?

WILLOW  
Cranberry juice.

XANDER  
Cranberry juice?

WILLOW  
The book says that a glass of wine can  
help relax you.

XANDER  
And I'm drinking cranberry juice  
because...

WILLOW  
Spike drank all the wine after his last  
argument with Buffy before she left.

Xander takes the juice and drinks. As does Willow.

WILLOW  
Okay. Now close your eyes.

XANDER  
Ha.

WILLOW  
Oh. Right. Now just focus on your  
breathing.

Xander takes a deep breath and lets it go slowly.  
They sit for a few seconds just breathing.

WILLOW  
Have you found your samadhi yet?

XANDER  
If that's a cramp you get in your leg,  
then yes.

WILLOW  
Okay. That would be a no.

XANDER  
I don't think this is working Willow.

WILLOW  
Xander! You're not even trying.

XANDER  
I'm sitting on a mat, concentrating on  
my breathing and losing all circulation  
to my legs. If that's not trying-

WILLOW  
Mentally Xander! You're not trying  
mentally. You can't just sit there and  
achieve a state conducive to receiving  
visions, you have to practice.

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
Gotcha. Practice.

Xander gives two thumbs up.

XANDER  
I'm 100% on board with this. Let's zen  
away.

Willow smiles.

WILLOW  
Okay... Let's try something else then.  
Focus on the water element. Listen to  
the sound of it lapping over the rocks.

They sit and listen to the sound of running water.

XANDER  
Okay. Now I have to pee.

Willow pouts.

WILLOW  
Me too. Maybe cranberry juice was a bad  
idea.

XANDER  
Ya' think?

Willow stands up.

WILLOW  
Okay. Potty break and then it's back to  
the transcendental training!

XANDER  
Uh, Willow?

Willow looks down at Xander who has rolled over on  
his back. His legs are stuck in the lotus position  
and won't release.

XANDER  
Little help?

Willow helps Xander disentangle his legs. Xander  
sighs in relief.

XANDER  
Ahh... circulation returning. Do we  
really have to do it this way?

WILLOW  
Xander! This is important! Who knows  
what kind of evil is lurking out there  
and how they are going to attack next?  
It could be demons! It could be vampires  
it could be-

EXT. ST. BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - DELIVERY ENTRANCE

Two nuns supervise the delivery of several boxes.  
The first nun is quite formal and making sure that  
the boxes are being will taken care of. The second  
nun is drooling.

NUN 2  
Chocolate. Mmmm.

NUN 1  
Praise be. The Lord once again provides  
us with his bounty.

The second nun gives her a look of disdain.

NUN 2  
"Bounty"? What have you been sniffing?  
Who says that anymore?

NUN 1  
I do. Bounty is a wonderful word. In  
fact it's used quite frequently.

Nun 2 is opening one of the boxes.

NUN 2  
Sure. If you're a paper towel  
manufacturer.

NUN 1  
Nevertheless. Our fund raising for the  
school's new band uniforms has been  
abysmal this year. Now that we have-  
What are you doing?

Nun 2 has pulled out a chocolate candy bar and is  
snarfing it down.

NUN 2  
Quality assurance. I'm making sure this  
candy isn't substandard.

NUN 1  
These boxes of chocolate were a private  
donation from an anonymous benefactor.  
It would be unwise-

Nun 2 makes a sound of rapture and opens another  
candy bar.

NUN 2  
Ooohh baby! This is the good stuff.  
You've got to try this!

NUN 1  
This candy is for fund raising!

Nun 1 rips the candy bar away from Nun 2

NUN 2  
I want the candy! Give me my candy!

NUN 1  
No. This is for the band uniforms.

A worker, whose face we do not see, approaches the  
two nuns.

WORKER  
Excuse me sister, but is everything all  
right?

Nun 2 takes her index finger and puts it in her  
mouth.

NUN 1  
Everything thing is wonderful. We so  
apprec-

Nun 2 sticks her finger in Nun 1's ear. Nun 1  
smacks it away.

NUN 1  
Stop that! We so appreciate the  
donation. Please accept our humble  
thanks and the lord's blessing.

As the worker steps forward, we see who it really  
is. Ethan Rayne. Ethan gives her a smile.

ETHAN  
Trust me sister. The Lord doesn't want  
to bless me.

Nun 1 chuckles at what she thinks is a joke. This  
is interrupted by Nun 2 who is waving her index  
finger in front of Nun 1's face.

NUN 2  
Is this bothering you? Because I'm not  
touching you.

Nun 1 sighs heavily. Ethan gives them both a very  
evil grin.

END TEASER

 

ACT I

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - HALLWAY

Maya is loading up her backpack from her locker as  
Liv approaches carrying a stack of boxes filled  
with band candy.

MAYA  
I think you've seen that Willy Wonka  
movie one too many times.

LIV  
It's not for me. It's for the band.

MAYA  
You're not in the band.

LIV  
But Tucker is. I'm helping him sell it.

MAYA  
Tucker's in the band?

LIV  
Yes.

Maya snorts.

MAYA  
Geek.

LIV  
Okay. That was awfully "Audrey" of you.

MAYA  
Oooo. I'm sorry. What instrument does  
he play?

LIV  
Um... Oboe.

Maya starts laughing hysterically. Liv stomps her  
foot.

LIV  
You can't typecast people from what  
instrument they play!!

MAYA  
Oh yes I can.

Liv pouts.

LIV  
We can't all have ultra-cool slacker  
boyfriends who never write.

Maya frowns.

MAYA  
Liv, I'm just having fun with you.  
Tucker's a great guy.

LIV  
So you'll be my best friend and buy a  
box of chocolate?

MAYA  
I walked into that one didn't I?

LIV  
Sucker.

MAYA  
How did you get stuck pimping candy?

Liv pouts.

LIV  
Every time we're supposed to have a date  
I either have to patrol or some  
unspeakable evil shows up. So...

MAYA  
Guilt pimping.

LIV  
Yeah. Could we not use the word "pimp"?

MAYA  
I calls it likes I sees it.

Liv looks down the hallway.

LIV  
What would you call that?

Maya looks up and sighs as Audrey approaches.

MAYA  
Too many nuns around. I'll tell you  
later.

AUDREY  
What happened to Dye job?

LIV  
What do you mean?

AUDREY  
He's supposed to be my bodyguard? He  
hasn't shown up the last two days.

MAYA  
Judging from the beating he took from  
his ex-girlfriend, he may be out the  
next couple of days.

Audrey rolls her eyes.

AUDREY  
Great. So does that me you two losers  
are going to be at practice today? If so I'm  
going to ask you to remain out of sight  
because too many people think we hang  
out together and my social ranking is  
starting to go into a tailspin.

LIV  
Gosh Audrey, with an attitude like that,  
maybe I'll just let the horde of  
monsters attack and I'll watch from the  
sidelines.

MAYA  
Family fun for everyone.

AUDREY  
Hardy-freaking-har. What's that?

LIV  
Band Candy. Wanna buy a box?

AUDREY  
Gah! Have you not seen my Cameron Diaz  
complexion? My dermatologist has given  
me a strict diet and facial regimen that  
I must stick to keep my face all glowy  
and non-splotchy.

LIV  
You don't have to eat it. Just buy it.  
It's for the band.

AUDREY  
I'm sorry, I'll only buy a box if they  
stop wearing those damn q-tips on their  
heads. Every time I see the play I feel  
like I have to clean my ears.

MAYA  
Obviously you never learned to stop with  
the q-tip when you feel resistance.

Audrey smirks at Maya.

AUDREY  
Oooo. Aren't we testy. What's the matter  
Maya? Did your puppy get gassed at the  
pound?

Maya bristles at the comment.

MAYA  
Shut up Audrey.

AUDREY  
What? Not a word from the poodle? Guess  
the little mutt couldn't handle life on  
the hellmouth after all.

Maya drops her school bag and moves in to punch  
Audrey. Liv steps between them.

LIV  
Ahhh... Maya. Technically we're supposed  
to be protecting Audrey. Not trying to  
kill her.

MAYA  
Yeah. Really don't care.

Maya tries to get by Liv, but Liv catches her.

LIV  
Sister Margaret let you off easy last  
time. You don't want to get expelled do  
you?

Audrey smirks at Maya.

AUDREY  
Better listen to the Freakshow. She is  
the smart loser of the bunch.

Liv scowls as Audrey starts to move off. Liv  
quickly sticks her foot out at the right moment  
and Audrey trips over her boot sending her flying.

Maya laughs as Audrey lands flat on her face.

AUDREY  
You bitch!

Audrey storms off in a huff. Liv gives her friend  
a wide smile.

MAYA  
(wicked witch of the west)  
"I'll get you my pretty!"

LIV  
There was no part of that that wasn't-

NUN 2(OS)  
Gangway!

Liv and Maya are knocked to the side as Nun2 runs  
through the hallway carrying a nun's habit like a  
football.

NUN 2  
Nun coming through! Make way for the  
nun!

Maya and Liv give each other a confused look as  
she runs by.

MAYA  
What the hell was-

Nun1 runs by Liv and Maya sans habit. Her hair is  
in curlers. Nun 1 is not amused.

NUN 1  
Come back here you devil!

Liv and Maya blink hard and then laugh at the  
sight.

LIV  
Okay...

MAYA  
Sister Eugenia appears to have eaten her  
wheaties this morning.

LIV  
And Sister Kimberly wears curlers under  
her habit.

They laugh again and suddenly stop with a look of  
concern.

MAYA  
This is the prelude to something bad  
isn't it?

Liv pouts.

LIV  
I hate the hellmouth.

INT. CRYPT

Looks a little bit like the crypt from Sunnydale.  
Spike has a fridge and "telly" He's passed out on  
top of a beat-up military bunk. Liquor bottles are  
scattered on the floor.

The crypt door pops open and Xander stumbles in.  
Dawn follows in after him, opening the door fully.  
The light from the door hits Spike and he begins  
to smoke. He sniffs the air and rolls over.

SPIKE  
(mumbles)  
No bacon for me, Mother. Eggs will do  
just fine.

Dawn sees the smoke and quickly shuts the door.

DAWN  
Spike?

Spike groans in pain. Xander looks at the  
multitude of liquor bottles lying on the floor.

XANDER  
I see you and Buffy left on your usual  
terms.

SPIKE  
What's that supposed to mean?

XANDER  
Nothing. Liv called me from school and  
said that you haven't been showing up  
for bodyguard duty.

SPIKE  
'Been taking a vacation.

Dawn holds up a tequila bottle

DAWN  
With your friend Jose Cuervo?

Spike looks at the bottle with confusion.

SPIKE  
I was drinking tequila?

Xander and Dawn just look at each other.

XANDER  
What happened Spike?

SPIKE  
She left. Nothing changed even after...

DAWN  
Ahhh... another man left wounded in the  
wake of Hurricane Buffy.

SPIKE  
If I didn't have a soul...

XANDER  
Oooo. He's bringing up the soul again.

DAWN  
Must have been the perfect storm.

SPIKE  
Did you two come here just to annoy me?

XANDER  
Well I know I did.

DAWN  
We just wanted to make sure you weren't  
so depressed that you didn't take a nap  
in the morning sun.

SPIKE  
Pffft. Your sister isn't that great.

DAWN  
Okay... now we're in denial.

XANDER  
Think it's safe to leave him alone?

SPIKE  
If you don't leave me alone I'll bloody  
rip your head off.

DAWN  
Yeah. He'll be fine.

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN - LATER

Willow walks in the back door as Lucy is going  
through some paperwork at the kitchen table.

LUCY  
Hey you.

Willow sighs.

WILLOW  
Hey.

LUCY  
How was your walk?

Willow sits at the table slumps.

WILLOW  
Brisk. Invigorating.

LUCY  
Depressing?

WILLOW  
That too. I really appreciate you  
letting me and Dawnie stay with you guys  
while... you know.

Lucy waves her hand to dismiss the thought.

LUCY  
Hey. You're family.

WILLOW  
I am?

LUCY  
Well... Xander's my guy and since you  
two are his family... well.. you know. Plus  
anyone who is working the extra mojo to  
come up with spells to protect my little  
girl is more than welcome to share my  
room and board.

Willow gives her a little smile.

WILLOW  
Lucy? We... um. We never really talked  
about what happened the other night.

Lucy falters.

LUCY  
What other night?

WILLOW  
You know. The one where you ran out of  
the room crying and I fell asleep  
because a vampire spiked my pig in the  
blanket with a sleeping potion.

LUCY  
Oh... that was just... me overreacting.

WILLOW  
No! That's just it! It wasn't an  
overreaction. And... and I never  
apologized and-

LUCY  
Will, your girlfriend just died. I  
just... I just projected my feelings  
into the conversation.

WILLOW  
But! Hello! Feelings! Valid feelings!  
Just because I actually had a loss  
doesn't discount what you feel.

LUCY  
Willow, I appreciate the thought but-

WILLOW  
Uh-uh. No way missy. You just called me  
family so that means we share.

Lucy looks away.

LUCY  
I just... I thought I had it under  
control and then...

WILLOW  
The hellmouth pulled the rug out from  
under you.

LUCY  
I'm just scared, you know? Now every  
time Liv and Xander go out... I just  
wish-

WILLOW  
GAH! No! No wishing.

Lucy laughs.

LUCY  
Right. Sorry. I forgot Harris Rule  
number eleven. Never ever wish for  
anything out loud.

Lucy and Willow share a smile.

WILLOW  
What was it for?

LUCY  
A switch that would just make everything  
all right.

WILLOW  
Yeah. That'd be nice.

LUCY  
I've got something almost as good  
though.

Lucy gets up and pulls a box of Band Candy from  
the cabinet. (Yeah... you knew that was coming.)  
Willow gives Lucy a skeptical look.

LUCY  
Chocolate for charity!

WILLOW  
Band candy? Um... Did Xander ever tell  
you about...?

LUCY  
C'mon Will. What are the odds that we're  
going to regress to our teenage years?

WILLOW  
Well... Okay. But if I start taking off  
my shirt and body surfing at the local  
dance club, I'm holding your  
responsible.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH - MAIN STREET

Dawn and Xander walk down the street. Behind them  
an old man with a walker is following them.

DAWN  
Do you think we should have stayed and  
talked with him?

XANDER  
I think leaving before he started  
throwing empty bottles at us was the  
best decision. Besides, I've found that  
the best place to be when Buffy is  
having any kind of relationship trouble  
is furthest point away from the  
fireworks.

DAWN  
Coming from the guy who obsessed about  
her in high school.

XANDER  
Yeah well that was high school. Today...  
well.

DAWN  
It's all about the Fontaine girls.

XANDER  
So... what do you think of Lucy?

DAWN  
Well considering it's been more than a  
year and she hasn't tried to kill you or  
hasn't become a demon, I'd say she's  
pretty special in comparison to the  
history of women in Xander Harris' life.  
I mean... hellmouth and mother of a  
slayer withstanding, you guys have a  
pretty normal relationship.

XANDER  
And that's good?

DAWN  
Anything remotely approaching normal for  
you is-

Dawn stops in her tracks.

XANDER  
What?

Dawn motions across the street.

ANGLE ON: CAPE KENNETH TOWN SQUARE

A grown woman sits on the sidewalk playing jacks.  
Grown men and women scurry for hiding places as  
one adult has his eyes covered.

ADULT  
19\. 20. Ready or not here I come!

Dawn and Xander give each other a look.

DAWN  
Weird.

XANDER  
What the hell is going on?

The old man who has been following Xander and Dawn  
catches up to them. He slaps Xander on the  
shoulder and tries to "run" away as fast

OLD MAN  
Tag! Your it!

The old man cackles in his old man laugh.

XANDER  
Okay. Should I tag him back?

DAWN  
Wait a second. He dropped this.

Dawn leans over and picks up a wrapper of the  
ground.

XANDER  
What is it?

Dawn looks at the chocolate wrapper and sighs.

DAWN  
Not good.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Xander and Dawn rush into the living room from the  
front door. Maya and Liv rush in from the kitchen.

XANDER  
Oh good!

LIV  
You're here.

EVERYONE  
We've got a problem.

Everyone gives each other a wary look.

EVERYONE  
You first.

Xander shakes his head.

XANDER  
Okay. Liv go get suited up. Maya... get  
on the Council mainframe and dig up  
everything we have on Ethan Rayne.

LIV  
What's wrong?

DAWN  
Chocolate.

Maya and Liv share a worried look.

DAWN  
We've got a bunch of middle aged people  
out there eating band candy and playing  
red rover in the middle of traffic.

MAYA  
Yeah... about that chocolate thing...

Xander's face drops.

XANDER  
What happened?

LIV  
Well-

Suddenly there is a large explosion from the  
kitchen. What appears to be a missle punches  
through the wall flies across the room between Xander  
and Dawn and embeds itself in the other wall.

DAWN  
What the-?

Xander, Liv and Maya run to the kitchen as Dawn  
pulls the "missle" out of the wall and holds it  
up. It appears to be a melted plastic doll.

DAWN  
You've got to be kidding.

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

Xander and crew rush into kitchen. It's filled  
with smoke.

XANDER  
Lucy!

Xander stops cold as does Liv and Maya at the  
sight before them.

LIV  
We tried to tell you.

ANGLE ON: KITCHEN TABLE

A rudimentary pipe has been fashioned into a  
cannon. Willow and Lucy stand next to it with soot  
on their faces.

Lucy and Willow are acting like six year olds.

LUCY  
Oops.

WILLOW  
(sing-song)  
You're going to be in trouble!

END ACT I

ACT II

 

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

WILLOW  
Xander!

LUCY  
Hi Sparky!  
(to Willow)  
He's my boyfriend.

Willow rolls her eyes.

WILLOW  
Gross! Boys are icky.

XANDER  
Uh... Ladies? What have you been doing?

WILLOW  
Playin' Barbie.

Dawn and Xander exchange a knowing look.

DAWN  
Oh boy.

XANDER  
Okay. Then why is there smoke?

LUCY  
Barbie Lab experiment.

MAYA  
Oh my God! I'm having magma flashbacks!

DAWN  
What are you talking about?

MAYA  
Liv blew up my Malibu Barbie Dream car  
with her volcano experiment.

Dawn holds up the melted Barbie missle.

DAWN  
Like Mother, like daughter.

LIV  
(to Maya)  
Man, you will not let that go will you?

MAYA  
Magma!

XANDER  
Uh... Girls? We have bigger problems  
right now.

Willow and Lucy start bouncing up and down in  
front of Xander.

WILLOW  
Hey Xander! Hey Xander! You know what?

XANDER  
What?

WILLOW  
Chicken-butt!

DAWN  
I think they've been eating the  
chocolate.

XANDER  
(sarcastic)  
'Ya think?

LUCY  
Sparky look!

Dawn and Xander turn back Lucy and Willow

WILLOW  
We got boobies!

Lucy and Willow pull their shirts up to show off  
their chests. (They have bras on guys. Get your  
minds out of the gutter) Maya turns away.

MAYA  
Oh. This is just getting weird.

LIV  
Mom! Don't do that!

LUCY  
And we didn't even have to use kleenex!

Xander sits down, holding his head in his hands.

XANDER  
Oh. We are in so much trouble.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy and Willow are having a tug of war fight over  
a Barbie doll.

WILLOW  
This is my Barbie!

LUCY  
It's mine! I gave it to you!

WILLOW  
You said I could have it!

LUCY  
That was before mine blew up!

WILLOW  
Well, who's fault is that?!

As Lucy and Willow continue to argue, Xander is  
massaging his temples as though in pain. Dawn  
seems very amused. Maya and Liv watch as though it's  
a train wreck.

LIV  
Okay... technically those are my  
Barbies.

Dawn holds up the melted Barbie.

DAWN  
"Were" your Barbies.

MAYA  
How did this happen?

XANDER  
It's the chocolate. Somebody magically  
spiked it. Last time it happened the  
whole town went nuts.

LIV  
This... this happened before?

XANDER  
Not quite like this.

DAWN  
Last time this happened the adults just  
acted like teenagers. Now they appear to  
be...

We hear a "thwack" sound followed by the sound of  
a grown adult screaming like a six year old. Lucy  
runs to Xander and buries her head in his chest.

DAWN  
Well... younger.

MAYA  
I'd qualify that as a "Duh".

LUCY  
Willow hit me!

WILLOW  
No I didn't! No I didn't! She pulled too  
hard and-

Willow holds up Barbie's disconnected head in her  
hand.

WILLOW  
Barbie broke! And then.. and then  
Barbie's body hit her in the eye!

LUCY  
I'm going to be blinded for life!

WILLOW  
Nuh-uh!

LUCY  
Uh-huh!

WILLOW  
Nuh-uh!

LUCY  
Uh-huh!

If Xander had eyes... he'd be rolling them right  
now. He turns to the non-chocolate eating crowd.

XANDER  
Any ideas?

MAYA  
Well you happen to be looking at the  
master babysitter. For a situation like  
this... I recommend extreme action.

CUT TO:

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Lucy and Willow sit wide-eyed in front of the TV. Lucy  
cradles the headless Barbie in her arms. Willow  
has Barbie's head cradled in hers.

TV  
(singing)  
In our secret backyard We can make  
your day more fun and less hard No more  
frowning, let's get learning ABC's and  
123's Everything from words to weather We'll  
discover them together...

Liv watches her "elders" with skepticism.

LIV  
I don't know. Won't this stunt their  
development?

MAYA  
If you want to turn it back to C-SPAN,  
be my guest. I'm not going to be  
responsible for the aftermath.

LIV  
But C-SPAN is cool! I used to watch it  
every Saturday morning!

MAYA  
Freak.

Dawn hangs up the phone.

DAWN  
Talked with Riley. Ethan Rayne escaped  
from the government compound three  
months ago.

XANDER  
Which answers one question.

MAYA  
What other answers do you need?

XANDER  
Why now? Where is he? What's his goal  
behind this?

INT. BAD GUY SECRET HIDEOUT

Ethan leans up against the wall with and his  
trademark evil grin.

ETHAN  
Chaos. Complete and utter chaos.

He turns to Nuggano and Amy who stand with  
Lateesha.

NUGGANO  
And how will that fit in with my master  
plan?

ETHAN  
By tonight all the adults in town will  
have eaten the candy, reverting them to  
a level of a six year old.

AMY  
The slayer will be too busy keeping the  
peace to do anything about the target.  
And while she's distracted, she'll be a  
prime target herself.

NUGGANO  
How do we keep the Watcher from  
discovering our plans?

ETHAN  
The watcher is a fool. He has no idea  
how to control his power and by the time  
he realizes what is going on it will be  
too late.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT

Xander sits quietly in the lotus position  
meditating. The water fountain sits by him  
gurgling. Dawn sits on the pommel horse watching Xander,  
looking bored.

DAWN  
Anything?

XANDER  
I have to pee again.

Dawn sighs.

DAWN  
Well that's what you get for drinking  
all that cranberry juice.

Xander frowns and struggles to get out of the  
lotus position.

DAWN  
I don't think this meditation thing is  
for you.

XANDER  
You think?

Dawn helps Xander get to his feet.

DAWN  
I think we should try something else.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Dawn pushes Xander into an easy chair.

XANDER  
Whoa! What are you doing?

Dawn pulls the lever on the chair and puts Xander  
into a reclining position.

DAWN  
Trust me.

Dawn picks up the remote control and tosses it to  
Xander.

DAWN  
Find something to watch.

XANDER  
What? Ah.. Dawnie? In case you haven't  
noticed, I'm kind of television  
impaired.

DAWN  
Trust me.

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
All righty then.

Xander flips a channel. Lucy and Willow flip out.

LUCY  
Hey!!

WILLOW  
We were watching that!!

DAWN  
Shh! Why don't you girls go ask Maya for  
something to eat.

The "girls" pout as Dawn hustles them out the  
door.

XANDER  
Dawn...

DAWN  
Trust me.

Xander sighs and starts flipping through channels.  
At first it is a mechanical process. As Xander  
relaxes it becomes less mechanical and more  
intuitive. Soon he tilts his head and-

INT. AFRICAN GRAVE SITE

Xander looks around. He is sitting in the easy  
chair and holding the remote, which looks out of  
place in his current whereabouts.

Igqhira is standing in front of the grave sites  
from Xander's previous vision. Igqhira finishes  
shoveling a load of dirt on the second grave.

Xander sits in the easy chair watching him.  
Igqhira turns and faces Xander.

IGQHIRA  
One more to fill.

Xander flinches and-

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Xander leaps out of the chair; trips over the foot  
rest portion of the chair and lands on the coffee  
table, smashing it to pieces.

DAWN  
Xander?

Xander groans and pulls himself up.

XANDER  
I'm fine.

DAWN  
Did it work?

XANDER  
Not the way I intended it to.

DAWN  
What did you see?

XANDER  
You don't want to know.

LIV  
(OS)  
Hey guys?

Xander and Dawn turn to Liv who walks in through  
the front door into the living room holding  
various bits of paperwork.

LIV  
I've got someth-  
(notices the coffee table)  
What happened to the coffee table?

XANDER  
Um...

DAWN  
Zen meditation ritual.

LIV  
Ohhhh-kay.

XANDER  
What did you find?

LIV  
First of all, do you guys know how weird  
it's getting out there? I just saw a  
bunch of middle-aged people playing  
kickball.

XANDER  
It's only going to get weirder. What did  
you find?

LIV  
I tracked down Sister Eugenia and in  
between a couple of games of "hopscotch"  
was able to find out some things  
regarding the shipment of chocolate.

XANDER  
Such as?

LIV  
It was an anonymous donation through a  
dummy charitable organization.

DAWN  
How do you know the charity was a fake?

Liv smiles and hands her some papers.

LIV  
Look at the law firm who set up the  
501a.

DAWN  
Oh my God! It's-

XANDER  
Yeah. Already jumped to that conclusion.  
What else?

LIV  
Unfortunately that line of investigation  
dried up at the sight of W&H, but that's  
not the end of the story.

Liv hands Dawn another sheet of paper.

DAWN  
A signed receipt of delivery from the  
shipping company.

LIV  
And the address of where the truck was  
loaded.

Xander smiles and gives Liv a pat on the back.

XANDER  
That's my girl

DAWN  
Okay, is she a slayer or just a  
miniature version of Peter Falk?

LIV  
A miniature version of who?

DAWN  
Never mind. So what do we do now?

Xander thinks for a second.

XANDER  
Let me see that shipping receipt.

Xander takes the piece of paper and does his head  
tilting thing.

DAWN  
You got something?

XANDER  
You could say that.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM - LATER

Xander, Dawn and Liv walk up the stairs. Lucy and  
Willow are back to watching TV. Maya sits on the  
couch reading.

DAWN  
You sure about this?

XANDER  
Pretty sure. Liv why don't you go get  
ready and-

Lucy steps in front of Xander and Liv, arms  
crossed and pouting.

LUCY  
Where are you going?

LIV  
We're just going out on patrol to make  
sure that no adults eat any more  
chocolate.

Lucy runs over and hugs Liv's leg.

LUCY  
No! You're not going anywhere.

Liv chuckles.

LIV  
C'mon Mom. Time for me to go to work.

Suddenly Lucy bursts into tears.

LUCY  
No!! You can't go!! Because monsters are  
real and if you go then you won't come  
back and I'll be all alone and then the  
monsters will come after me!!

Liv and Xander look down at Lucy... Realization  
crosses their faces. Liv swallows hard.

LIV  
Mom...

LUCY  
You can't go! I won't let you!

MAYA  
Um... Who wants ice cream?

This pulls Willow away from her TV watching.  
Willow runs over and starts bounces around and  
waving her arms.

WILLOW  
I do! I do!

Lucy gives Maya the serious look only a six year  
old in an adult body can muster.

LUCY  
This is more important than ice cream.

Willow rolls her eyes.

WILLOW  
Somebody's acting like a baby.

LUCY  
Am not!

WILLOW  
Are too!

LUCY  
Am not!

XANDER  
Girls!

WILLOW  
Look! It's easy! Just make Xander  
promise-

XANDER  
What?

WILLOW  
-that everything will be okay!

XANDER  
(warning)  
Will-

Willow belts out with radiant smile.

WILLOW  
'Cuz Xander always keeps a promise!  
Right Xander?

Xander is stunned. Lucy gives Xander the puppy dog  
eyes treatment.

LUCY  
Do you promise? Do you promise everyone  
will be safe *for-ever*?

Xander swallows hard at the question. Willow gives  
Xander a look of absolute trust. Maya and Liv look  
like the sky is about to crash down on them. Dawn  
looks away and shakes her head.

DAWN  
Lucy, we can't-

XANDER  
(quietly)  
Yeah. Everyone will be okay.

Dawn shoots Xander a look. He ignores it.

LUCY  
(earnestly)  
Cross your heart?

Xander gives her a small smile and pantomimes the  
crossing of his heart. Lucy wipes the tears from  
her eyes and sniffles. She then looks at Maya,  
hopefully.

LUCY  
Can we have ice cream now?

 

MAYA  
(quietly)  
Yeah. Sure.

Willow and Lucy run into the kitchen cheering.  
Maya looks meaningfully at Xander and follows the  
two "kids" into the kitchen.

DAWN  
Xander...

XANDER  
Yeah. I know.

Liv looks like the weight of the world is on her  
shoulders.

LIV  
This is because of what happened to  
Kennedy, isn't it?

XANDER  
(quiet)  
Yeah.

Xander and Liv share a look.

XANDER  
Go get ready.

END ACT II

ACT III

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE

Xander and Liv exit the house. Liv is dressed in  
her fatigues and battle armor.

LIV  
Are you sure Mom and Willow are going to  
be okay?

XANDER  
Maya and Dawn will look after them, and  
Willow promised not do to do any  
magic...

VOICE  
Hey.

Xander and Liv turn to see Tucker standing on the  
porch.

LIV  
Tucker!

XANDER  
uh... tricks! Magic tricks. 'Cuz they  
never work right and..

LIV  
What are you doing here?

TUCKER  
I was coming by to make sure no one ate  
any of that chocolate I gave you.  
Apparently some wise guy laced it with  
PCP. Plus... um... we had a date  
tonight.

Liv's face freezes in horror.

LIV  
We...?

Tucker tries to cover the hurt.

TUCKER  
Which you seem to have forgotten.

LIV  
It's just... uh...

XANDER  
Sorry, Tucker. Liv forgot she had  
survival training tonight and-

TUCKER  
Survival training? You?

LIV  
Yeah.

Tucker looks at Xander and Liv with a suspicious  
look.

TUCKER  
Look, I don't know what's going on here  
Liv but... well maybe I thought we had  
something we didn't.

Liv and Tucker stare at each other. There isn't a  
word to describe how uncomfortable how Xander  
feels.

LIV  
Tucker, I-

TUCKER  
Forget it.

Tucker turns and walks away.

If you listen really closely you can hear Liv's  
heart breaking. Xander put an arm around Liv's  
shoulder.

XANDER  
You okay?

LIV  
No.

Liv shakes her head and sighs.

LIV  
Come on. Let's go to work.

INT. AUDREY'S HOUSE

There's a knock at the door. Xander opens the door  
and creeps into the house.

XANDER  
Audrey? Spike?

AUDREY  
(OS)  
Mr. Harris! In here!

Xander follows the sound of Audrey's voice to the

INT. AUDREY'S HOUSE - SOLARIUM

Audrey stands in the middle of the room looking  
scared.

XANDER  
Audrey? What's wrong? Where's Spike?

SPIKE  
(OS)  
Up here.

Xander looks up to see Spike lying flat against  
the ceiling smoking a cigarette.

XANDER  
Spike, why are you on the ceiling?

Spike rolls his eyes.

SPIKE  
Because it's a trap, you idiot.

XANDER  
What?

Suddenly Xander flies up to the ceiling, hitting  
his head with a resounding thunk.

XANDER  
Ow! What the hell?

SPIKE  
Told you.

Ethan steps out from behind the door.

ETHAN  
Well, well, well. If it isn't the  
watcher who sees everything.

SPIKE  
Well he didn't see this coming.

ETHAN  
Aren't you one of those little snots who  
used to run around with Ripper's slayer?

SPIKE  
Oh look. He remembers you perfectly.

XANDER  
So what brings you here this time  
Ethan? You just here to raise a little  
hell or is someone paying you to do the  
dirty work again?

ETHAN  
Oh the second one definitely. Though I  
must say that killing you all and  
causing all sort's of pain to Ripper's  
new little watcher's council is just an  
unexpected bonus.

Ethan pulls out a very long knife. He turns to  
Audrey with an evil smile.

ETHAN  
Don't worry dear. This will only hurt  
until you die.

EXT. ST. BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - CAMPUS

A man in a football coach's outfit runs across  
campus. Two vampires are chasing after him.

COACH  
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

He's tackled to the ground outside a gardening  
shed.

VAMPIRE1  
I love it when they call for their  
mommies. Hold him down while I take a  
sip.

VAMPIRE2  
All right, but leave some for-

Vampire2 goes flying through the air and bounces  
off the shed. A combat boot kicks the first  
vampire away from the crying coach. The coach  
looks up to see Liv in a fighting stance.

LIV  
(to coach)  
Run.

The coach runs off as Liv dusts the first vampire  
with a stake. The second vampire charges Liv and  
catches her off guard with a spinning kick and  
follows it up with two punches to the head. Liv  
blocks the third punch and stakes the vampire  
through the heart. As the the vampire explodes  
into dust, Liv twirls the stake like she was a  
gunslinger turning around to face...

A very surprised looking Tucker.

LIV  
Tucker?

TUCKER  
(in shock)  
That was... that was...

LIV  
Oh crap. Tucker, what are you doing  
here?

Tucker really is freaking out.

TUCKER  
Maya. Told me. You. Be here. Might.  
But... That was...

Liv grabs Tucker gently by the arms. Tucker

LIV  
Breathe, Tucker.

TUCKER  
(still breathing rapidly)  
That was...

LIV  
(gently)  
A vampire. That was a vampire.

That really didn't help. Tucker really freaks.

TUCKER  
Okay! I was going to say that was really  
weird, but if you say it was a vampire!  
Okay!! Not a problem!!

LIV  
Don't freak out.

TUCKER  
Little late for that don't you think? I  
mean... I mean...

LIV  
Tucker. Look I would've told you but...  
how do you explain something like this?

TUCKER  
What are you?

LIV  
I'm one of the chosen Vampire Slayers  
whose destiny is to save the world from  
vampires, demons and other supernatural  
phenomena.

TUCKER  
Okay.

LIV  
You have no idea what I'm talking about,  
do you?

TUCKER  
None at all.

Liv rolls her eyes in embarrassment.

LIV  
I'm... I'm kind of like a superhero.

TUCKER  
That kills vampires.

LIV  
Right.

TUCKER  
Okay... I knew there was some strange  
things about you, but they were cute  
things. Like how you would break Pyrex  
containers with one hand whenever you  
got nervous but this...

Liv winces in preparation of a world of hurt.

TUCKER  
This is... kind of cool. I guess.

Liv smiles. Suddenly she finds herself hugging the  
stuffing out of Tucker.

TUCKER  
(somewhat strangled)  
I mean... it's weird, strange and  
somewhat freakish, but it's still pretty  
cool.

LIV  
Really?

TUCKER  
Well I haven't quite wrapped my mind  
around the whole vampire concept but...

Liv hugs Tucker tighter.

LIV  
but what?

TUCKER  
Is... ah... that another vampire?

LIV  
What?

Liv turns just in time to be tackled by a blurred  
form. Liv throws the body off to see that it is  
Lateesha. Lateesha attempts to kick Liv, while she  
is still on the ground. Liv rolls and pops up into  
a fighting stance.

TUCKER  
Liv!

LIV  
Tucker! Get out of here!

Lateesha charges into Liv on the attack. Fists and  
feet fly everywhere, but it's Liv who's taking the  
most damage.

Tucker watches, too afraid to move.

LIV  
Tucker! Go!

Tucker hesitates and then notices the open  
gardening shed. He runs to the door and opens it  
up.

INT. GARDEN SHED

Tucker looks around for some sort of weapon. All  
that is in the shed is a riding lawnmower,  
gasoline, a can of engine starter fluid, some  
rolls of duct tape and some old rags.

TUCKER  
Crap!

Tucker turns and then sees a bag of fertilizer. A  
smile crosses his face.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Lucy and Willow bounce up in front of Maya. Maya  
is reading a magazine on the couch.

WILLOW  
Hey Ma-ya?

MAYA  
Hey Wha-at?

WILLOW  
Can we make our own cereal for dinner?

Maya looks up from the magazine gives Lucy and  
Willow a suspicious gaze.

MAYA  
How are you going to do that?

LUCY  
Crush up Oreos and chocolate chip  
cookies and pour milk over it.

Maya just looks at Willow and Lucy with an  
unreadable expression. Finally she shrugs and  
returns her attention to the magazine.

MAYA  
Knock yourself out.

Lucy and Willow cheer as they run into the  
kitchen.

MAYA  
This is why *all* the kids love me.

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

Willow and Lucy run to the cupboards.

WILLOW  
This is going to be cool!

LUCY  
Maya's the best baby sitter *EVER*!

VOICE  
(OS)  
Hello girls.

Willow and Lucy turn toward the voice. Lucy looks  
confused. Willow's face shows recognition.

WILLOW  
I know you!

ANGLE ON:

Amy stands in the kitchen with an evil look on her  
face.

AMY  
You remember me? I'm flattered.

EXT. ST. BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - CAMPUS

Liv takes a solid kick to the mid-section and goes  
flying. She lands hard on the ground with a grunt.  
She barely has time to roll before Lateesha  
attacks her again.

TUCKER  
(OS)  
Liv!

Liv looks up to see tucker standing away from the  
shed holding something in his hand.

LIV  
Tucker! Get out of here!

Liv blocks two punches and ducks under a kick from  
Lateesha.

TUCKER  
Get her in the shed!

LIV  
What?

TUCKER  
Get her in the shed!

Liv dodges another punch, ducks under another  
kick and rolls over in front of the gardening  
shed. Tucker pulls out a cigarette lighter and  
lights what appears to be a bundle of rags taped  
shut with duct tape. Lateesha charges Liv and  
attacks with a flying kick. Liv ducks and Lateesha  
crashes into the shed. Liv grabs Lateesha and  
shoves her into the shed.

TUCKER  
Duck!

Liv dives out of the way as Tucker throws the  
flaming bundle of rags into the shed.

Suddenly there is a loud explosion and the entire  
shed crashes in on top of itself.

Liv rolls over and looks at the collapsed building  
in shock.

LIV  
Whoa!

TUCKER  
Pretty cool huh?

LIV  
But... how... with the... go boom?

TUCKER  
Fertilizer bomb.

Liv is just amazed.

LIV  
You... you're not like some sort of  
unibomber are you? How did you know how  
to do that?

TUCKER  
Simple chemistry.

Liv gives him a look.

TUCKER  
That and I saw it on an episode of  
MacGyver.

A thumping noise comes from the collapsed  
building.

LIV  
Come on.

TUCKER  
She's still alive?

LIV  
Nope. Still dead. That's the problem.  
Let's get out of here.

Liv moves Tucker along as they run away from the  
rubble.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Maya sits on the couch reading her magazine. Suddenly  
There is a large booming noise from the kitchen

MAYA  
Girls! I told you! No more experiments!

Lucy and Willow run in screaming. Maya jumps up  
from the couch.

MAYA  
What's-

The door into the living room explodes, knocking  
all three to the ground.

Amy makes a dramatic entrance into the room.

AMY  
Oh... this is going to be so much fun.

VOICE  
(OS)  
I doubt that.

Amy turns to see Dawn coming at her with a  
baseball bat. Amy waves her hand and sends her  
flying across the room crashing into the wall.  
Dawn falls to the floor groaning.

AMY  
Who the hell are you?

Dawn picks up the baseball bat and stands up.

DAWN  
The girl who's going to kick your wiccan  
ass.

Amy rolls her eyes and waves her hand again. Dawn  
is thrown against the wall again. Willow looks up  
with the expression only a pissed off six year old  
in an adult's face can muster.

WILLOW  
That wasn't very nice!

MAYA  
Uh... Willow? Let's not piss off the  
witch, shall we?

Willow scrunches her face in anger.

WILLOW  
Too late!

Willow waves her arms

WILLOW  
Discede!

Amy's brief look on her face shows that she knows  
what's going to happen next.

AMY  
Oh F-

Amy disappears in a poof of smoke.

MAYA  
What the-?

LUCY  
That was so *COOL*!

WILLOW  
Magic. I kick booty with it.

DAWN  
Willow? Where did she go?

WILLOW  
Somewhere else.

LUCY  
Can you do that again?! Send me  
someplace!

DAWN  
Um... I don't think that's a good idea.

Lucy pouts.

LUCY  
I never get to have any fun.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH GARBAGE DUMP Amy re-materializes  
thirty feet in the air.

AMY  
-uck.

Amy looks down at the pile of garbage she's about  
to fall into.

AMY  
Cr-

And down she goes...

INT. AUDREY'S HOUSE

Xander and Spike are floating up against the  
ceiling. Ethan has cornered Audrey with his knife.

AUDREY  
Oh god. Oh god.

ETHAN  
Squirm if you want. I love it when they  
squirm.

AUDREY  
Oh God. He's going to kill me.

SPIKE  
Got any other bright ideas whelp?

Xander tilts his head. A smile crosses his lips.

XANDER  
Me? No, but the guys might have a few  
ideas.

SPIKE  
What guys?

Suddenly light floods into the room. All the  
windows are smashed into smithereens as men in  
military garb jump through them. Within seconds  
the room is filled to the brim with  
initiative-type folk and all their guns are  
pointed at Ethan.

SPIKE  
Oh. Those guys.

Audrey looks around at the mess of broken glass.

AUDREY  
Jesus! Haven't you guys ever heard of a  
door?

The soldiers all roll their eyes at each other.

SPIKE  
Feel free to shoot the girl, if you  
want.

Audrey gives Spike a glare.

VOICE  
(OS)  
Sorry about the mess.

Riley Finn wades through the machine guns to stand  
in front of Ethan Rayne and Audrey.

RILEY  
The boys like to make an entrance.

Riley turns to Ethan.

RILEY  
Ethan. Lovely to see you again.

ETHAN  
Agent Finn. I don't suppose that-

Without missing a beat Riley pulls out a stun gun  
and shocks Ethan. Ethan falls to the ground and  
starts flopping around like a fish. Spike and  
Xander crash to the floor.

SPIKE  
Ow! Bloody hell!

Riley gives Xander and Spike a sheepish grin.

RILEY  
Uh. Sorry about that.

Riley turns to the soldiers.

RILEY  
(pointing at Ethan)  
Get him out of here. If he wakes up,  
feel free to beat the crap out of him.

The soldiers salute and go to task.

RILEY  
Thanks Xander. We've been trying to  
track this guy down for months. The  
brass pitched a hissy fit when they  
found out he escaped. Do you need  
anything else from this guy?

XANDER  
I got what I needed. That's a nice  
little toy you got there.

Riley smiles and hands it over to Xander.

RILEY  
Prototype. Constantly recharges itself.  
We're still testing it out.

XANDER  
How is it against demons?

RILEY  
Well, we haven't field tested-

Audrey snatches the stun gun out of Xander's hand  
and presses it against Spike's side

SPIKE  
What are you-

Spike screams in pain as Audrey shocks him. He  
drops to the floor and starts flopping around like  
a fish. Audrey hands the stun gun back to Riley.

AUDREY  
Well look at that. It does work. Now  
since your men went through all the  
double pane windows in the house, I  
assume you'll be paying for it?

RILEY  
Well, ah...

AUDREY  
Great. I'll expect your crew tomorrow.

Audrey leans over Spike and gives him an evil  
grin.

AUDREY  
That's what you get for telling men with  
guns to shoot me. G'Night Spike!

Audrey walks off. Graham and Xander watch Spike  
continue to twitch on the ground. Spike snarls.

SPIKE  
When I get control of my legs, you're  
dead! Do you hear me? DEAD!!

RILEY  
He's still a good guy, right?

XANDER  
For the most part. Can I get one of  
those things?

Riley shrugs and hands over the stun gun. Xander  
examines it.

XANDER  
Now Spike, what was it you said about me  
being a "idiot"?

SPIKE  
Oh bloody-

Xander shocks him.

SPIKE  
GAH-AAHH-AAH!

Xander gives Riley a big smile.

XANDER  
Where can I get more of these?

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

Maya is going through the kitchen cabinets looking  
for something.

MAYA  
So that Rayne guy?

DAWN  
Xander said he was crying like a baby  
when they hauled him away.

LIV  
That was nothing. You should have seen  
Tucker's face when I dusted that  
vampire.

DAWN  
Looks like you got another scoobie in  
the mix.

MAYA  
Yeah. As long as there are bags of  
fertilizer lying around.

LIV  
At least I don't have to make up excuses  
any more.

DAWN  
No. Now you just have your boyfriend  
running around in the line of fire.

Liv frowns as Maya pulls out a bottle.

MAYA  
Here we go.

Maya opens a drawer and pulls out a spoon.

MAYA  
Let's go.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

The three enter the living room where Willow sits  
on the couch surrounded by junk food. Willow  
groans and holds her stomach.

WILLOW  
I think I'm going to barf.

LIV  
I can't believe you let her eat all  
that.

Maya unscrews the top of the bottle and starts  
pouring the medicine into the spoon.

MAYA  
How was I supposed to know the adult  
metabolism couldn't handle that much  
junk food?

DAWN  
Your Mom didn't seem to have a problem.

LIV  
My Mom has the digestive tract of a  
goat.

Maya holds the spoon in front of Willow's mouth.

MAYA  
Okay. Here comes the choo-choo heading  
for the tunnel.

Dawn gives Maya a funny look.

DAWN  
Shouldn't the chocolate be wearing off  
by now?

Willow pouts.

WILLOW  
Yeah... but I like the choo-choo.

INT. FONTAINE - BEDROOM

Lucy sits on her bed looking out the window.

XANDER  
Hey.

LUCY  
Hi.

XANDER  
How you feeling?

LUCY  
Must be getting older, because I'm  
fighting the urge to break curfew and go  
out dancing.

Xander chuckles.

XANDER  
Yeah. That wasn't what I was asking  
about.

Xander gives Lucy a sheepish look.

XANDER  
You know... The whole scene in the  
living room.

Lucy looks serious for a moment and then tries to  
laugh it off.

LUCY  
Oh that was nothing. That was just me-

XANDER  
-being honest.

Lucy and Xander just look at each other for a few  
seconds.

LUCY  
Xander... that promise...

XANDER  
I know.

LUCY  
I don't expect you to-

XANDER  
I know, but it's the same promise I made  
when-

LUCY  
No it isn't.

Xander gives her a questioning look.

LUCY  
The first promise you made was that if  
my daughter died, you'd already be dead  
and the end of the world wouldn't be too  
far behind.

Lucy gives Xander a sad smile. Tears begin to  
gather in her eyes.

LUCY  
When Kennedy... When Kennedy died, I  
remembered you said that. And it almost  
came true so-

Tears roll down Lucy's face as Xander moves in to  
embrace her.

XANDER  
I'm sorry.

Lucy sobs into Xander's shoulder. Lucy practically  
crushes him in her arms.

LUCY  
Please... don't ever let me be alone.

XANDER  
I won't...

GO TO BLACK

XANDER  
(VO)  
I promise.

END ACT IV


	12. Fitting In

TEASER

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

A vampire crawls up from the ground, bumpy faced  
and snarling.

LIV  
(OS)  
Hi.

The vampire looks up to see Liv and Maya looking  
down at him.

LIV  
Sorry to make your undead life so short  
but...

Liv stabs the vampire in the chest and he explodes  
into the dust.

MAYA  
That was fast.

LIV  
I like it when it's easy like that.

MAYA  
Well it is only Monday. Have you talked  
to Harris yet?

LIV  
About Tucker? No.

MAYA  
Oh you're worrying way too much about  
it. I think it's kind of cute that he  
wants to join the squad.

LIV  
Yeah. I mean it's a pretty big step in  
our relationship, don't you think?

MAYA  
Well I mean after you came out of the  
closet... so to speak, the rest should  
be easy.

LIV  
You think?

MAYA  
Are you kidding? Xander will probably be  
ecstatic to have another guy hanging out  
at the house.

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY

XANDER  
No.

Xander is leaning against the counter massaging  
the bridge of his nose. Liv is dressed for school  
and Lucy is drinking coffee and reading the newspaper  
at the kitchen table.

LIV  
Oh, come on! What's the big deal?

XANDER  
The deal? The deal is that he doesn't  
have powers, can't fight and as he's  
your "boyfriend" will be more of a  
distraction than assistance in the  
field.

LIV  
But Maya doesn't have any powers.

XANDER  
Maya is a force to be reckoned with and  
knows when to lay low. What's this  
Tucker guy going to do? Carry around a  
bag of fertilizer on patrol? Plus with  
Jordy gone, you've got enough people to  
protect here without having one more  
body to be worried about. You don't need  
the distraction.

Xander rubs his forehead.

LIV  
He's not a distraction! He doesn't even  
have to do any field work. You're  
totally being unfair.

Xander starts rummaging through a cabinet.

XANDER  
Look, I'm not telling you to stay away  
from this guy. I'm just telling you that  
for his own good, he needs to stay away  
from any slayer-like activities.

Xander pulls out a pill bottle and shows it to  
Liv.

XANDER  
Is this aspirin?

LIV  
No, but if you want to feel less bloated  
that's the stuff. I still don't see why-

XANDER  
Brad.

Liv visibly stiffens at the comment.

LIV  
That's... this is different. Tucker is  
different. He's smart. He can do  
research. He can-

Xander takes another pill bottle out of the  
cabinet.

LIV  
Don't take that unless you want to live  
in the bathroom for the next hour.

Xander promptly puts the bottle back. Liv pulls a  
bottle and hands it to him. Xander takes out a few  
pills.

XANDER  
(gently)  
Liv, I'm sorry. I know you feel for the  
guy but I'm worried about putting  
another kid in the line of fire.

LIV  
But-

Xander pulls out a glass and fills it with water  
and takes a pill.

XANDER  
No. That's final.

Liv turns to her Mom who is still reading the  
newspaper.

LIV  
Mom!

LUCY  
(distracted)  
Listen to your father.

Xander does a spit take, spraying a pill and water  
across the room, before Lucy even realizes what  
she said.

XANDER  
Listen to your what?

Lucy and Liv both laugh.

LUCY  
Sorry. Just kind of slipped out.

Liv puts on a cute pout and baby voice.

LIV  
Can you just meet him first before you  
made a decision? Please... Daddy?

Xander sighs in defeat. He rubs his head again.

XANDER  
Fine. I'm going to go lay down before my  
head literally explodes.

END TEASER

 

ACT I

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE

Tucker, Liv and Maya walk toward the house in  
their school uniforms.

TUCKER  
Are you sure this is a good idea?

LIV  
Look, he's going to love you. Just be  
yourself.

MAYA  
And don't forget to bring up Twinkies.  
It's a sure way in with him.

TUCKER  
Right.

LIV  
Are you sure you want to do this? I  
mean, no one is going to think less of  
you if... you know. Live the less  
supernatural life.

MAYA  
Oh, I'll totally look down on you.

TUCKER  
No. This is something I want to do.

LIV  
You sure? You can change your mind if  
you want. Some of the stuff we run into  
can be pretty weird.

TUCKER  
What? Like that zombie thing the other  
night?

Liv and Maya share a look.

MAYA  
He has no idea, does he?

LIV  
Maybe we should ease him into it.

MAYA  
Nah. This is a band-aid type situation.  
We just got to pull it off all at once.

TUCKER  
You two do realize I'm standing right  
beside you, right?

Suddenly the sound of an explosion emanates from  
the house. Without thinking, Liv runs toward the  
house at top speed, throwing open the door. Maya  
and Tucker are right behind her. From inside the  
house we hear shouts.

INT. FONTAINE FOYER

Inside Xander and Dawn are battling three Ypoog  
demons. Xander is wielding a fire poker and Dawn  
is going after the demons with a baseball bat.

XANDER  
Look out!

A fourth Ypoog pops into existence behind Dawn.  
Dawn turns and sees the Ypoog jump at her-

Only to have the monster's head hit with the  
flying feet of Liv. Liv crushes the Ypoog against  
the wall where he explodes into goo.

LIV  
Bat!

Dawn tosses Liv the bat. Liv jumps and spins in mid-air;  
catching the bat and smashing the ypoog's head  
doing the requisite explosion of goo.

Xander beats back his Ypoog until the demon is  
against the wall and manages to bash the head in,  
covering himself in goo.

Maya and Tucker run into the foyer to see Liv  
about to make a home run with the final Ypoog's  
head.

LIV  
Duck!

Maya ducks quickly. Tucker, who is stunned by the  
sight of the demon, does not move. Liv connects  
the bat with the monster's head, sending all sorts  
of goo onto Tucker.

Tucker sputters from the goo on his face. Maya  
stands up straight, looks at Tucker and then  
laughs.

MAYA  
Yeah, Tucker... when she says "duck"  
she's not talking about waterfowl.

XANDER  
Tucker. Good to see you again. Looks  
like you got some entrails there on your  
shoulder buddy.

Tucker leans over and throws up on Xander's shoes.  
Xander sighs.

TUCKER  
I'm... I'm so sorry.

Xander plants a fake grin on his face and pats  
Tucker on the shoulder.

XANDER  
Oh the post fight vomiting? We're used  
to that. Don't worry about it. I'm just  
going to change. I'll see if I have  
anything of Jordy's you can wear.

Xander gives Liv a doubtful look as he passes. Liv  
sighs.

MAYA  
Well. So much for the first impression.

DAWN  
Don't worry about it Tucker. He'll come  
around. Let's see if we can get this  
mess cleaned up.

LIV  
Where did the Ypoog demons come from?

Dawn sighs.

DAWN  
Magic lessons.

INT FONTAINE BASEMENT

Audrey is being lectured by Willow

WILLOW  
I told you! You have to mix the elements  
with your hands before the incantation!  
I told you twice! Why didn't you mix?!  
Mixing is good!

Audrey rolls her eyes.

AUDREY  
That goop? There was no way in hell I  
was going to mix that goop with my bare  
hands.

Audrey waves around her nails in front of Willow

AUDREY  
I just got a French manicure!

Willow massages the bridge of her nose.

WILLOW  
Cord- I mean, Audrey. Audrey, you've got  
to listen to me on these things. Magic  
is not something-

AUDREY  
"-to be trifled with." Yes, I know. Iggy  
tells me that every night... while I'm  
asleep. Between you during the daytime  
and him in my dreams, I can't get a  
break!

WILLOW  
His title is Igqhira. It's given to a-

AUDREY  
Okay. Could we please not go over this  
again? I've got African folklore coming  
out of my ears!

MAYA  
(OS)  
You sure that wasn't the brain matter  
you leak everywhere.

Audrey turns to look at Liv, Maya and Tucker and  
dies laughing. Tucker is cleaned up but is wearing  
Jordy's "slacker" clothing which is obviously way  
too small for him.

AUDREY  
Nice look for you Tucker.

Tucker scowls.

MAYA  
Leave him alone. He just got pooged on.

TUCKER  
Yeah, can we not call it that?

LIV  
I think you look great.

TUCKER  
Biased.

MAYA  
Oh totally.

WILLOW  
C'mon Audrey. Let's get back to-

AUDREY  
Forget it. I'm out of here. C'mon  
Freakshow, I'll need an escort.

WILLOW  
Nuh-uh. You've got more work to do  
missy. Spike can pick you up when it is  
dark out.

AUDREY  
Yeah. If he decides to show up.

WILLOW  
Spike didn't show up last night?

AUDREY  
Try two.

LIV  
Why didn't you say anything?

AUDREY  
I just did. Duh.

Willow sighs and rubs her forehead

WILLOW  
I need an aspirin. I swear-

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BEDROOM

Lucy is massaging Xander's temples.

XANDER  
-my brain is about to explode.

LUCY  
Did you take any aspirin?

XANDER  
Too many.

LUCY  
How long have you had this headache?

XANDER  
Ever since I had that conversation with  
Liv about Tucker. It's been knocking me  
for a loop. I know she likes the guy  
but...

LUCY  
She's just trying to include him in her  
life.

XANDER  
Her life involves death and destruction.

LUCY  
How old were you when you got involved  
in this gig? And how is this different  
from Jordy and Maya?

Xander shakes his head.

XANDER  
She's emotionally involved with this  
guy. If something were to happen...

Lucy frowns.

LUCY  
Yeah. I know.

There's a knock on the door. Dawn peeks in.

DAWN  
Hey. Sorry to interrupt, but Spike's  
gone AWOL again.

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
This would be the part where I would  
take off my glasses and rub my nose.

DAWN  
You up for another intervention?

XANDER  
No. Take Liv and roust him out of bed.  
I've got my own headaches to deal with.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH GRAVEYARD - DAY

Dawn, Liv, Maya and Tucker trounce through the  
graveyard to Spike's crypt.

TUCKER  
(confused)  
He's a vampire? With a soul? How is that  
supposed to work?

LIV  
The soul makes him a good guy. Well...  
mostly a good guy. Um... Okay he doesn't  
eat people. For the most part.

TUCKER  
Why do I find that not comforting?

Dawn struggles to open the door on the crypt.

DAWN  
He's fine. That is if he isn't under  
some kind of spell.

TUCKER  
Great.

Dawn forces the door open and walks in with the  
rest of the group.

INT. SPIKE'S CRYPT

MAYA  
Nice place. Could use a few curtains  
though.

DAWN  
Spike?

A moan and some muttering is heard. Dawn and Liv  
share a look. Liv pulls out a stake.

DAWN  
Spike?

Spike crawls out from behind a crypt. If possible,  
he looks paler than normal. His eyes are  
completely blood shot.

SPIKE  
(muttering)  
...I don't know what Buffy told you, but  
the thing is, the Slayer and I worked  
together, side by side...

TUCKER  
That's a vampire? I don't think we have  
anything to worry about.

Dawn kneels down in front of Spike.

DAWN  
Spike? What happened?

Spike doesn't even look at her.

SPIKE  
(muttering)  
It's just ... I'm trying to explain. She  
might have said some things that sounded  
like I expressed some kind of feeling-

LIV  
Is he drunk?

Spike's eyes roll around in his head almost  
independently of each other.

SPIKE  
(muttering)  
I'm trying to explain.

DAWN  
I don't think so.

MAYA  
He's totally lost it.

DAWN  
Yeah, this is not good.

Dawn looks around and grabs a blanket that Spike  
apparently has been using.

DAWN  
Help me get this wrapped around him. He  
needs to see Willow.

LIV  
We're taking him back?

DAWN  
The last time he was like this... well  
let's just say several months later  
Sunnydale was just a hole in the ground.

TUCKER  
Hole? In the ground?

Liv and Maya help Dawn wrap Spike up.

DAWN  
Make sure we wrap him up tight.

TUCKER  
Seriously. A hole?

LIV  
I think we've got him covered.

DAWN  
Everybody grab an appendage.

Tucker and the rest pick up Spike.

TUCKER  
You guys are kidding about the hole  
right?

SPIKE  
(muttering)  
I don't know what you mean.

DAWN  
Watch the head!

Tucker stumbles and Spike's head is knocked  
against the wall. Hard.

MAYA  
Well that's going to leave a mark.

 

INT. FONTAINE FOYER

Liv, Maya, Tucker and Dawn pull Spike, who's  
wrapped up in a blanket that's slightly smoking,  
into the house.

TUCKER  
Uh... Should he be smoking like that?

DAWN  
He's fine. We only need to worry if he  
bursts into flames.

TUCKER  
What?

MAYA  
Vampires and sunlight don't mix.

TUCKER  
Oh. Right. I knew that.

SPIKE  
(muttering)  
My bleeding sympathies to Warren.

LIV  
Mom? Xander? Ms. Rosenberg? We're home!

Lucy comes halfway down the steps.

LUCY  
Uh guys? Can you come upstairs a minute?

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BEDROOM

Willow and Xander lie on the floor thrashing  
around and muttering incoherently.

XANDER  
(muttering)  
We're just gonna play with matches, run  
with scissors, take candy from ... some  
guy ... I don't know his name.

LUCY  
All of a sudden they just collapsed and  
they've been like this ever since.

DAWN  
This doesn't make any sense. What would  
tie in Willow, Spike and Xander into  
this?

WILLOW  
(muttering)  
Maybe we could wear some kind of special  
ring that identifies us as members.

LIV  
Is this a chocolate thing?

DAWN  
No. Besides Spike doesn't eat chocolate.

TUCKER  
Right. 'Cuz he's a vampire.

DAWN  
No. It makes him break out.

TUCKER  
Oh.

WILLOW  
(muttering)  
You don't have to. She's got big sister  
Buffy happily looking out for her.

DAWN  
What? What did she say?

LUCY  
They've been like this since you left.  
Just spouting nonsense like they're  
talking to somebody.

XANDER  
(muttering)  
Slip Joyce a 10 or a 20 once in a while.  
Then we'll see who's the favorite.

DAWN  
Oh God.

XANDER  
(muttering)  
That means you're winning. Yes. Cash  
equals good.

LUCY  
What is it?

DAWN  
It's me. These are all conversations  
regarding me or when I was with them.

XANDER  
(muttering)  
Slayer come out and die.

TUCKER  
But why would-?

Dawn smacks her head.

DAWN  
The memory spell. That's got to be it.

TUCKER  
Memory spell?

MAYA  
How come we're not effected?

DAWN  
The original spell was only cast on  
people I would have interacted with in  
Sunnydale. The spell must have gotten  
corrupted somehow.

LIV  
Or it's wearing off.

DAWN  
That's it! That's why everyone is  
forgetting things! Last week Amy didn't  
remember who I was. Buffy forgot about a  
memory we had about her dying and Xander  
forgot about picking me up at the  
airport.

Author's Note: So for those two readers who sent  
me e-mails: See! It *WAS* intentional!  
Neener-Neener!

LUCY  
To be fair, I'm pretty sure that the  
airport thing was Xander being Xander.

LIV  
What should we do?

DAWN  
Call the Council's office in Cleveland  
and check to see if Buffy and Giles are  
affected. Also check the mainframe for  
Giles's watcher journal from 2001-2002.  
There may be some information on the  
spell that was cast.

MAYA  
I'm on it.

LIV  
I'll bring up Spike and see if I can  
track down Audrey.

DAWN  
Good idea.

LUCY  
I have some tranquilizers downstairs  
that should keep these guys quiet. I  
don't like the way they're thrashing  
around and I don't want to restrain  
them. You need anything else?

DAWN  
No I'll keep an eye on them while you  
get the stuff.

As everyone files out, Dawn spots Tucker standing flabbergasted  
at Willow and Xander on the floor.

XANDER  
(muttering)  
And we'll be ready for you! Stakes.  
Crosses. The whole enchilada.

DAWN  
You okay Tucker?

TUCKER  
Did I mention I was having a very  
strange day?

DAWN  
Trust me Tucker, this is absolutely  
normal.

Tucker motions to Willow and Xander on the floor.

TUCKER  
This? This is normal?

DAWN  
For a Tuesday? This is almost boring.  
Now when May rolls around? That's when  
you need to worry. That's when the  
really-

Suddenly Dawn's flickers out of existence and is  
replaced by a great green glowing ball of energy.  
Tucker's eyes almost pop out of his head.

TUCKER  
What the-?

And with another flicker Dawn is back.

DAWN  
-strange stuff happens.

Tucker looks at Dawn like she... well just  
flickered in and out of existence.

DAWN  
What?

Dawn flickers out and back again. This time Dawn  
eyes begin to roll back in her head.

DAWN  
'zokay. Thatz a little weiiirrrr-

Dawn falls over on the ground.

Tucker looks at Dawn as she begins to flicker in  
and out of existence more rapidly.

TUCKER  
Aw, crap.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Audrey, Tucker and Liv stand over the couch where  
Dawn lies unconscious. Every few seconds or so  
Dawn's physical form zaps out for a second and is  
replaced by a cloud of green glowing energy before  
she/it zaps back to her physical form again.

AUDREY  
What the hell is she?

LIV  
She was an energy being that acted as an  
interdimensional key to other worlds  
that was given human form to protect her  
from being found from a hell god.

TUCKER  
Um... do you know anybody who's normal?

LIV  
I know you.

TUCKER  
Yeah. Not comforting.

Maya comes down the steps into the living room.

MAYA  
Your mom just finished doping Spike,  
Xander and Willow to the gills. I just  
called the Cleveland branch and spoke to  
some chippie name Rona. Looks like a  
whole bunch of people up there including  
Giles, Faith and Buffy are suffering  
from the same memory issue.

LIV  
Great. That just happens to be almost  
every senior staff member on the  
council.

AUDREY  
(sarcasm)  
Well isn't this fun? So exactly when is  
the world going to end?

MAYA  
Who invited smarty-pants?

AUDREY  
Oh, I'm sorry? Did you not need someone  
with a little magic experience? I'll  
just be going.

Audrey moves as if to leave, but Liv catches her  
arm.

LIV  
Audrey... come on. Do you know anything  
that can help us?

AUDREY  
Are you familiar with Erodelbmud's  
fourteenth law of transfiguration?

Everyone looks at Audrey with a confused look.

MAYA  
The fourteenth law of the who with the  
what?

AUDREY  
Well, look who's the smarty-pants now.

LIV  
Audrey...

AUDREY  
It's like this, in order for a  
transformation from one physical state  
to another to occur, an outside catalyst  
must be used to force the transformation.  
Now once that change is complete, that  
form must be sustained on an energy  
source to remain there.

The odd squad look at Audrey in amazement.

AUDREY  
What?

LIV  
I... I've just never heard you say  
anything that didn't involve some kind  
of insult. Or smart.

AUDREY  
Bite me.

LIV  
Okay. I feel better now. Confused... but  
better. This whole law of transmigration  
just sounds weird.

TUCKER  
Actually it kind of sounds like  
something similar to the second energy  
law in physics.

LIV  
Second energy law- Ah... I get it now.

MAYA  
Does somebody want to explain it to the  
geek impaired?

AUDREY  
Life depends on the physical world. Just  
like we need food to keep our bodies  
going, the spell that created Dawn is  
losing steam causing her physical form  
and the memory spell to dissolve into  
the key being she was before.

MAYA  
So what do we do now? Unless you guys  
have some sort of mystical jumper  
cables, Dawn is just going to fade completely  
and anyone affected by the original  
memory spell is going to permanent la-la  
land.

Liv sighs.

LIV  
I hate Tuesdays. C'mon Audrey. You're a  
witch. Can't you do anything to help?

AUDREY  
Yeah. Let me just hop over to Hogwarts  
and get my wand. It doesn't work that  
way, Freakshow. Without knowing the  
original spell it's kind like of like  
threading a needle with a telephone  
cable while blindfolded.

LIV  
What about the dream guy you keep  
talking about? Maybe he can tell us  
something.

AUDREY  
Yeah. Kind of have to be asleep for that  
one. I just had a double latte. Ain't  
going to happen.

LIV  
Well do you have to be asleep, or can  
you just be unconscious?

AUDREY  
Unconscious? Well... I suppose but-

Liv sucker punches Audrey who falls to ground  
unconscious.

CUT TO:

INT. IQGHIRA'S HUT

Audrey pops up into a sitting position holding her  
jaw

AUDREY  
Ow!

IGQHIRA  
I wondered when they'd figure that out.

AUDREY  
I can't believe that bitch hit me.

IGQHIRA  
(sarcastic)  
Yes. I can't understand what provoked  
them. I assume the vessel of the  
clavinger is coming undone?

AUDREY  
The vessel of the what?

IGQHIRA  
The key.

AUDREY  
Yes. How do you-?

The igqhira sighs and points out the door of the  
hut. The outside world appears to be flickering in  
and out of phase in much the same manner as Dawn  
was on the couch.

AUDREY  
What's going on?

IGQHIRA  
With degradation of the spell the key's  
energies are wreaking havoc with the  
dimensional barriers. Typical Europeans.  
No forethought on the spells they cast.  
Sooner or later it was bound to-

AUDREY  
Yes. Yes. We've done the whole  
"Europeans Bad" thing before. What can  
we do about it?

IGQHIRA  
You must get in touch with the agent of  
this realm for the Powers-That-Be. He will  
be able to guide you to the next step on  
you and your friends' journey.

AUDREY  
They are *NOT* my friends.

Igqhira rolls his eyes.

IGQHIRA  
Fine. The journey of you and the many  
people who pester and annoy you for no  
reason. Now I better tell you where to  
find him before they do serious damage  
to you.

AUDREY  
What damage?

INT. AUDREY'S HOUSE - Seconds later after punching  
Audrey.

TUCKER  
Wow. Nice punch.

LIV  
Damn! That felt good!

MAYA  
How long have you been wanting to do  
that?

LIV  
Oh... two... three years.

Audrey groans and rolls over.

MAYA  
She's waking up.

LIV  
Do you think she's been under long  
enough?

MAYA  
I'll take care of that.

Maya picks up a vase and holds it over her head.  
When Maya is Just about to drop it on Audrey's  
head...

LIV  
(warning)  
Maya! No.

Maya gives Liv a sulky look.

LIV  
There's a fire poker over in the corner.  
Use that.

AUDREY  
(groggy)  
No! Wait. I know who we need to talk to.

MAYA  
Crap. I never get to have any fun.

LIV  
(to Audrey)  
What did you find out?

AUDREY  
We need to find one of the agents  
appointed to this dimension by the  
powers-that-be.

LIV  
Right. And just where are we going to  
find one of those?

EXT. DEMON BAR

VOICE  
(VO)  
I didn't think they allowed kids in  
here.

INT. DEMON BAR

Liv, Tucker and Maya stand in the middle of the  
bar. Behind them lies a pile of demons who just  
had the crap beaten out of them. Tucker can't stop  
looking at the pile of demons and Liv in awe. Liv  
addresses someone off screen.

LIV  
We're not exactly "Kids."

ANGLE ON:

Whistler as he pours himself a drink from behind  
the bar.

WHISTLER  
Yeah. Kind of picked up on that. You're  
here about the vessel?

MAYA  
She's got a name.

WHISTLER  
Yeah. I was there when they picked it  
out. I personally would have gone with  
Mercedes, but...

MAYA  
Yeah. Loving the history lesson mister,  
but we kind of have an interdimensional  
crisis on our hands.

WHISTLER  
Tell me about it.

LIV  
Supposedly you're the guy who's got the  
answers on how to fix it.

WHISTLER  
Fix it? Well, I've got the juice but as  
for the know how needed? See that's  
where we kind of hit a gray area.

LIV  
How gray?

WHISTLER  
Uh. Charcoal.

MAYA  
(sighs)  
Oh boy.

LIV  
But... you're an agent of the powers  
that be.

Whistler downs a shot and exhales sharply.

WHISTLER  
Yeah. Well that's more of an honorary  
title really. Not a problem. We just  
need to get one more person.

MAYA  
Who?

Whistler grabs his hat and puts it on his head.

WHISTLER  
I'll explain on the way. Walk and talk  
people!

MAYA  
This should be interesting.

As everyone is about to leave, Liv notices that  
Tucker is still staring at the pile of beat up  
demons on the floor.

LIV  
Tucker?

TUCKER  
Those... things... you beat up all those  
things.

LIV  
Yes. Those are demons and I beat them  
up. Are you okay?

TUCKER  
Uh. yeah. Just trying to do the whole  
wrap my head around the...beating of the  
things. And you're so tiny!

LIV  
It's a little weird.

TUCKER  
A little?

LIV  
You get used to it.

TUCKER  
Really?

Liv sighs.

LIV  
No. Not at all.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Dawn continues to zap in and out of her energy  
form.

WHISTLER  
I've seen worse.

MAYA  
Really?

WHISTLER  
Nah. I've never seen this before.

LIV  
I'm underwhelmed by your lack of  
knowledge.

TUCKER  
So... how are we going to stop the  
flicker thing?

WHISTLER  
Shh. I've got to time this right.

Whistler loosens up by shaking his arm, rolling  
his shoulders and then his neck; all the while  
concentrating on Dawn flickering between an energy  
being and her physical form.

WHISTLER  
Okay... A one and a two and a-

Dawn flickers into the energy cloud just as  
Whistler dives in with his hand and then yanks  
back, pulling out a human form from the energy  
cloud.

Tucker's eyes almost pop out of his head. He tries  
to sit down on the couch but misses and ends up  
hitting the ground. Liv, Maya and Audrey aren't  
that impressed.

TUCKER  
Holy Crap.

AUDREY  
Huh.

MAYA  
Why does that look familiar?

LIV  
We saw something similar last week with  
that Grapnar demon.

MAYA  
Is that the one with the horns and the  
mucus?

LIV  
That was the Fyarl demon.

MAYA  
Ah.

Whistler seems a little disappointed that no one  
is impressed.

WHISTLER  
You kids are getting jaded.

Liv shrugs.

LIV  
Enh. Who's he supposed to be?

The human gets up from the floor and we now see  
that he is dressed in a monk's robes.

MONK  
Monstrum! Ten Monstrum ve dverich!

WHISTLER  
Anybody sprechen sie Czech?

LIV  
I do.

TUCKER  
You do? That's-

MAYA  
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. "That's incredible.  
She's a genius. Blah Blah Blah."

Liv smiles and rolls her eyes at Maya.

WHISTLER  
What's he saying?

LIV  
He says that the beast is at the door.

WHISTLER  
Perfect. Grabbed him just in time. Tell  
him he's safe, but we need his  
assistance

As Liv goes to talk to the man in Czech...

AUDREY  
What is he and why is he dressed in  
burlap?

WHISTLER  
He's one of the monks who performed the  
original spell that bonded the key to  
her physical form.

TUCKER  
And you just...

WHISTLER  
Ripped him out of time and space to  
bring him here.

MAYA  
Isn't that dangerous?

WHISTLER  
While he was either going to die a  
horrific death there or he *might* die  
here when the whole dimensional key  
warps out of control. I figured he  
wouldn't mind a fighting chance.

TUCKER  
Oh. Okay. Um... I think I'll just sit  
here for a bit if you don't mind and  
keep my head from exploding.

MAYA  
Poor Tucker. This hasn't been a good day  
for you.

Liv ends her conversation with the Monk.

LIV  
Um.. Reggie here wants assurances that  
the beast won't be coming after him.

WHISTLER  
Reggie? That's his name?

Liv shrugs.

LIV  
I don't know. He just looks like a  
Reggie.

WHISTLER  
Tell him that he's been ripped through  
time and space and the beast is no  
longer a threat and that we need to  
reestablish the key with the vessel  
pronto tonto.

LIV  
Mate byl thrat se az do cas kdyby doba.  
Ten monstrum je jez ne dele tyz hrozba.  
My muset vas prispet pro vyreseni  
problemu pres klec... uh... pronto tonto

The monk shrugs.

MONK  
Dobra. Proc nezkusit.

From outside there is a strange noise but only  
Tucker hears it.

WHISTLER  
Wonderful. Let's get some mojo working.

Tucker looks out the window and gawks at what he  
sees.

AUDREY  
Can we make him change first? I mean  
that outfit...

MAYA  
He's a monk, Audrey.

AUDREY  
That's no excuse for wearing burlap.

TUCKER  
Uh... Guys?

LIV  
Audrey, just go downstairs and show  
Reggie what we have spell-wise. I'll be  
down to translate in a minute.

TUCKER  
Guys? I think we have a problem.

Liv and Maya walk over to the window.

MAYA  
Now what?

Liv and Maya look out the window and sigh.

MAYA  
Now *that* you really don't see  
everyday.

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE

Out on the front lawn are about twenty men.  
Dressed in armor and carrying swords, battle axes  
and other sorts of siege equipment.

KNIGHT OFFICER  
Attention members of the Watcher's  
Council! Our trust in your handling of  
the Key has been tested for the last  
time! Throw down your defenses and  
return to us the key! You have one hour  
to comply!

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Liv sighs heavily.

LIV  
Man... As if the neighbors didn't think  
we were weird enough already.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

The entire gang is looking out the window at the  
men in armor on the front lawn.

TUCKER  
Okay. Why are there people outside  
wearing armor?

WHISTLER  
Crap. I was hoping these guys wouldn't  
show up.

MAYA  
Who are they?

WHISTLER  
The reformed sect of the Knights of  
Byzantium. Good men. Narrow minded,  
stupid and and unsubtle in a huge way,  
but for the most part, good men.

MONK  
Je ktery myslim si?

WHISTLER  
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, we got one  
hour to get this thing taken care of. Me  
and Reggie will make with the mojo. You  
kids hold them off.

TUCKER  
Hold them off? Are you nuts?

WHISTLER  
It's either that or the girl dies.

The reality of the situation REALLY hits home with  
Tucker. Whistler and the monk lift Dawn and carry  
her to the basement.

LIV  
Maya check the weapons locker. See if  
Xander has any of the stuff from the  
military supply store. Audrey, can you  
whip up a force field or something like  
that?

AUDREY  
No but I can make fun of the renaissance  
fair thing they've got going.

LIV  
Okay. That would be a no. Tucker, have  
you ever handled a sword before?

Tucker gives Liv a blank look. Liv gives him a  
pitying smile and pats him on the shoulder.

LIV  
Nevermind.

Tucker looks at Liv and tries to smile but fails,  
As Liv walks away he looks down and sees a lamp  
cord plugged into the wall.

TUCKER  
Wait!

Liv looks back and Tucker gives her a big grin.

TUCKER  
Do you have any rubber boots and gloves?  
Oh! And a fire extinguisher!!

LIV  
What?

Tucker gives her a sly grin.

TUCKER  
Trust me.

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - FRONT YARD

The Knights stand impatiently in the front yard.

KNIGHT1  
Has it been and hour yet?

The Knight Officer pulls out a large hourglass to  
check it. It appears to be moving quite slowly

KNIGHT2  
I think your hourglass is slow

KNIGHT1  
I told you we should go digital.

KNIGHT OFFICER  
Don't start with me. The Knights of  
Byzantium have a long standing  
tradition-

KNIGHT2  
Look, I'm all for tradition but it's  
the twenty-first century. There's  
digital watches, instant messaging and  
Kevlar now.

KNIGHT OFFICER  
I will not tolerate any insubordination!

KNIGHT1  
How about tolerating bullets? 'Cuz plate  
armor doesn't do jack against bullets.

The Knight officer bashes the helmet of the first  
knight with his gauntleted fist. It makes a nice  
clanging noise.

KNIGHT OFFICER  
Quiet! We'll attack when I say we  
attack!

The two knights silently roll their ryes at each  
other as the Knight Officer tries to maintain his  
dignity and authority.

And they wait. They wait some more.

The second knight starts whistling the theme from  
Jeopardy.

KNIGHT OFFICER  
Fine! We'll attack! Satisfied?

KNIGHT2  
What about the Kevlar?

The Knight Officer sighs in frustration.

KNIGHT OFFICER  
I'll think about it.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - FOYER

Maya is looking out the window. She jumps up and  
runs up the steps to the banister overlooking the  
entrance. Tucker is there busily twisting together  
a net to a bare wire from looks like an extension  
cord.

MAYA  
They're coming!

LIV  
Positions people!

Maya picks up a fire extinguisher and pulls the  
safety pin from it.

MAYA  
(to Tucker)  
Hear that? We're people. You ready to  
have some fun?

TUCKER  
You guys have a strange definition of  
fun.

Maya gives him a wild grin and starts cutting  
loose with the fire extinguisher.

The cloud from the fire extinguisher covers the  
room like a fog screen. The knights burst through  
the front door and march into the foyer.

KNIGHT OFFICER  
We are here for the key!

Liv steps forward, becoming visible in the fog.

LIV  
Yeah. Kinda gathered that.

KNIGHT OFFICER  
Surrender now, Slayer and no one has to  
die.

LIV  
Hmmm... Yeah, I don't think so.

 

The Knight Officer steps forward and slips on the floor. He looks  
at the floor which is covered with water. Maya  
and Tucker throw a net connected to the extension  
cord on top of the group of knights. The knights  
fall all over themselves trying to get out.The  
Knight Officer looks over at Liv who is holding  
another cord that is plugged into the wall. He  
then notices she's wearing thick soled rubber  
boots and rubber gloves. Liv gives him a sly grin.

LIV  
Nice armor.

Maya plugs in the extension cord upstairs.

MAYA  
Drop it!

As Liv drops the wire as we cut to:

INT. FONTAINE BASEMENT

"Reggie" sits in front of the flickering Dawn,  
chanting his little heart out. Whistler and Audrey  
stand back and watch.

The lights flicker in and out for a few seconds  
and we hear shouts, screams and assorted pieces of  
armor falling over each other.

AUDREY  
Should we be doing anything?

Whistler pulls out a jelly doughnut and starts  
munching on it.

WHISTLER  
I think Reggie and the kids have got it  
all in hand.

Audrey looks at the Jelly doughnut.

AUDREY  
Where did you get that?

WHISTLER  
Let me tell you something kid: In this  
world there are laws. Laws of science  
and magic. Laws of good and evil. You  
will find that when push comes to shove,  
very little of these laws have anything  
to do with the spontaneous creation of  
jelly doughnuts.

Whistler produces another Jelly doughnut.

AUDREY  
How'd you do that?

WHISTLER  
It's all in the wrist.

MONK  
Zpáte  
ní lístek ten vzpomínka pro ty kdo  
ztratil je!

Lightning flash from outside occurs with some  
thunder.

WHISTLER  
Ahh... things should really start  
cooking now.

INT. FONTAINE BEDROOM

Lucy is huddled in the corner, her fingers in her  
ears to block the noise of fighting going on.   
Xander, Willow and Spike lie on the floor  
mumbling.

Another lightning strike occurs and suddenly  
Xander, Willow and Spike sit upright, gasping for  
breath. This startles Lucy who starts to scream.  
Willow, Xander and Spike get startled and scream  
back.

After the screaming's ended...

WILLOW  
What happened?!

SPIKE  
Where the bloody hell am I?!

XANDER  
What those two said!!

Lucy is a little freaked out.

LUCY  
Enh! Dawn! Memory spell! Knights  
invading! Floors ruined! Property  
damage!

Willow, Xander and Spike sigh in unison.

ALL  
Must be Tuesday.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - FOYER

Liv is fending off against the unshocked Knights  
on the staircase with a sword. Tucker and Maya are  
tossing anything they can find at the knights.

LIV  
You guys better run for it!

Spike, Willow and Xander rush in behind them.

SPIKE  
(gleefully)  
Knights! I haven't fought them in a-

WILLOW  
(waving her arms)  
Equites ab lacunar!

Suddenly all the knights fly up into the air and  
stick to the ceiling. Spike sulks.

SPIKE  
Well that's no fun.

KNIGHT OFFICER  
Do you think this will stop us?

XANDER  
Actually, you are stopped.

WILLOW  
Stopped pretty well I might add.

KNIGHT OFFICER  
More will come! We'll continue to come  
until the key is safe again. Or  
destroyed!

DAWN  
(OS)  
I have a name, you know.

Everyone looks over to see Dawn standing in front  
of Whistler, Audrey and "Reggie".

WHISTLER  
Boy... one little interdimensional  
incident and you guys just go nuts.

DAWN  
Like I told you guys the last time: Get  
your stinkin' armor clad butts out of my  
life!!

MONK  
Jak si oni zisk zcela tam?

KNIGHT2  
Told you we were being hasty.

KNIGHT OFFICER  
Oh shut up.

END ACT III

ACT IV

Tucker sits on the back porch looking off into the  
back yard, somewhat dazed. Xander approaches him  
and smiles.

XANDER  
You okay?

Tucker gives him a brief smile and shrugs.

TUCKER  
I don't know. I'm just trying to get a  
grip on this whole thing.

XANDER  
Yeah. It's a tough gig.

TUCKER  
How did you get started?

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
Like you, there was a girl involved.

TUCKER  
Yeah?

XANDER  
Yeah. Didn't turn out the way I expected  
but-

TUCKER  
They never do.

XANDER  
Do you still want to be a part of this?

TUCKER  
I think so.

XANDER  
Before you decide, I want you to think  
about something before you join this merry  
little band of ours. This thing we do?  
There's a cost to it. Eventually, we all  
have to pay up.

Xander points to his lack of eyeballs.

XANDER  
I got off lucky. Some of my other  
friends? Not so much.

TUCKER  
Is it worth it?

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
When all is said and done... I have no  
clue. I just hope that at the end of  
the day I haven't doomed humanity. Know  
what I mean?

TUCKER  
Yeah. Not really helping with the  
decision.

XANDER  
I won't lie to you. Some days it is  
worth it, others it isn't. What I will  
say is that you did good today. You came  
up with some pretty nifty Macgyverisms  
in there. I'm going to have to refinish  
all the floors now but I'd hate to think  
what would have happened if you weren't  
here.

MAYA  
(OS)  
Damn, Harris. Are you done yet?

Tucker and Xander look over at Liv and Maya who  
are watching from the doorway.

LIV  
(to Maya)  
Is that the same speech he gave you?

MAYA  
Yeah, but I didn't get any "MacGyver"  
stuff. I just got "Nice work with the  
frying pan."

Xander gets up and pats Tucker on the shoulder.

XANDER  
(to Tucker)  
Think about what I've said.

TUCKER  
I will.

XANDER  
Oh... and thanks.

Xander walks to the door.

XANDER  
Try not to badger the poor kid. I've  
heard he's had a pretty strange day.

Maya rolls her eyes.

MAYA  
Please. For a Tuesday? This was nothing.

Xander smiles, shakes his head and enters the  
house. Maya and Liv plop down on either side of  
Tucker.

MAYA  
So what's it going to be, "MacGyver"?

TUCKER  
He told me to think about it.

Liv comically puts her head on Tucker's chest and  
gives him the puppy dog eyes.

LIV  
(cute voice)  
Can't you tell us now?

TUCKER  
You're going to have to do better than  
that Fontaine.

Liv sticks out her bottom lip to form a cute pout.  
Tucker laughs and shakes his head.

TUCKER  
Oh. You're killing me here.

MAYA  
Give it up Traherne. Trust me, if you  
made it through tonight you can make it  
through anything.

LIV  
C'mon Tuck. What's it going to be?

Tucker sighs.

TUCKER  
Does it have to be called the "Odd  
Squad"?

Maya laughs. Liv gives Tucker a big hug and a kiss  
on the cheek. Tucker smiles.

TUCKER  
I'm going to regret this, aren't I?

Liv snuggles up to him.

LIV  
Do what I do.

TUCKER  
And that is?

LIV  
Worry about that tomorrow.

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	13. Welcome Home

TEASER

Xander and Lucy walk down the street together  
holding hands.

LUCY  
We are not having this conversation.

XANDER  
You're the one who dragged me to the  
movie. Again.

LUCY  
There was subtext I missed before.

XANDER  
The subtext being?

LUCY  
I wanted to see Johnny Depp again.

XANDER  
Uh-huh. So as a result of your Johnny  
Depp obsession I get inundated with the  
false oompa-loompas. On my birthday no  
less.

Lucy checks her watch.

LUCY  
You were the one who said I could choose  
the movie.

XANDER  
Uh-huh. Last time that happens. Oh, and  
if you want we can walk around the block  
one more time.

LUCY  
Why would I want to do that?

XANDER  
To give Willow more time to get  
everything together for the surprise  
party.

Lucy scowls.

LUCY  
How did you know?

XANDER  
Hello! Seer!

LUCY  
You had a vision?

XANDER  
That and Liv spilled the beans.

LUCY  
Damn kid.

LUCY  
You better act surprised because...

XANDER  
I know. It's all Willow's doing.

LUCY  
She was just all excited about doing it  
and...

XANDER  
It was nice change from ongoing  
depression. I hear ya. Don't worry, I'll  
act so surprised my eyes will pop out of  
my head.

LUCY  
Har-dee-har-har.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Willow is in full panic mode as she and everyone  
else tries to decorate the living room in time.  
Liv is watching Xander and Lucy from the front  
window.

WILLOW  
Gah! Streamers! Streamers! Get the  
streamers up! They're almost here.

LIV  
They're talking! Okay now they're  
cuddling.

AUDREY  
Can't we just "magic" these up?

Willow frowns.

WILLOW  
Um. Yeah we could, but no.

Dawn and Buffy run into the room holding a banner.

BUFFY  
Uh Will? We got the banner but the  
printers had some trouble with your  
handwriting.

WILLOW  
What? No! What did they-?

Dawn and Buffy pull out the banner which spells  
"HAPPY BIFTHDAY XAND3R!"

WILLOW  
Oh my God! Are they retarded?!

DAWN  
We can fix it. Got any paint?

Liv continues to look out the window.

LIV  
Downstairs next to the weapons cabinet.  
Okay. Now they're...

Liv makes a face and steps back from the curtain.

LIV  
Okay... as a slayer and a daughter I  
really shouldn't see that.

Maya hands Liv some streamers.

MAYA  
Here you stream. I'll voyeur.

WILLOW  
Can you really fix it?

DAWN  
I'll just turn the "F" into an "R". Do  
we still have time?

MAYA  
Yeah. They're still mackin' on each  
other.

LIV  
(disgust)  
Eww.

Dawn runs off to the basement as Spike walks into  
the room carrying a bag of party supplies from  
"Party Town".

WILLOW  
Ooo! Spike! Did you-

Spike rolls his eyes and pulls out a bunch of  
pointy party hats.

SPIKE  
Yes. But if you expect me to wear one,  
I'll bite you on general principle.

Giles walks in holding a cake.

GILES  
Willow, where do you want the- Ooo!  
Party hats.

Spike rolls his eyes and stuffs a hat on Giles's  
head.

BUFFY  
C'mon Spike. Get in the spirit.

SPIKE  
Spirit? Have you forgotten how bad  
things get for birthdays on the  
hellmouth?

MAYA  
Okay! Looks like they are taking another  
spin around the block!

Willow sighs in relief.

BUFFY  
That's for my birthday, Spike. Just  
because my birthday is jinxed doesn't  
mean that something bad is going to  
happen today.

Everyone freezes and looks at Buffy.

BUFFY  
Aw crap. Did I just jinx us?

MAYA  
Go in the backyard, turn around three  
times and swear.

BUFFY  
That will un-jinx us?

GILES  
No, but it will be terribly amusing.

WILLOW  
Gah! Ice cream! I left it out!

Willow runs into the kitchen.

SPIKE  
Isn't she usually a little more  
organized than this?

MAYA  
Well we would have been ahead of  
schedule if someone hadn't summoned a  
Aiel demon.

AUDREY  
It wasn't my fault!!

Giles and Spike takes finger swipe of icing to  
taste it.

LIV  
We were mopping up pus for over an hour.

Giles and Spike look at each other and then their  
fingertips and frown. They wipe the icing away  
with napkins.

AUDREY  
These streamers just aren't working.

BUFFY  
You don't think I really jinxed Xander's  
birthday do you?

Audrey starts making gestures with her hands.

SPIKE  
Yes.

GILES  
Don't be silly. You can't just jinx  
something by saying it won't happen.

MAYA  
Audrey what are you doing?

GILES  
Besides to truly jinx a day would mean  
that-

Audrey throws her hands a certain way and-

The streamers evaporate in a puff of smoke and the  
birthday cake explodes all over Spike. Willow  
screams something about the ice cream from the  
other room.

BUFFY  
(to Maya)  
So that was three times around and then  
I curse?

MAYA  
Right.

Buffy marches off to the back door.

WILLOW  
(OS)  
Get the mop! Get the mop!

SPIKE  
We're doomed.

INT. AIRPLANE

Two figures, wrapped carefully in clothing to  
cover almost any skin sit side by side in first  
class. They talk quietly among themselves.

FIGURE1  
The prophecy has been confirmed. It  
begins tonight..

FIGURE2  
I have already made arrangements with  
the local demon population to assist us.  
He will have no choice but to give us  
what we want.

FIGURE1  
Before the night is over, our master  
will be returned to us!

As we pan by the figures to the first row of  
business class we see JORDY pretending to read an  
in flight magazine while intently hearing every  
word the two people ahead of him are saying.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT  
(over intercom)  
We will begin our landing shortly into  
the Cape Kenneth Airport. Please return  
your tray table and chairs to their  
upright positions. We hope you enjoyed  
your flight and we thank you for flying  
Oceania airlines.

FIGURE1  
Tonight, Cape Kenneth will be ours.

Jordy sighs and turns back to his magazine.

JORDY  
Home, sweet home.

END TEASER

 

ACT I

INT. FONTAINE FOYER

Xander and Lucy enter through the front door. a  
hubbub of activity can be heard coming from the  
other room.

LUCY  
Hey Liv!

They enter into the...

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

LUCY  
We're ho-

Lucy and Xander stop in shock.

LUCY  
-Oooooh! What happened here?!

Spike is still covered with cake, vainly trying to  
clean it off himself. Dawn is trying to hang the  
"fixed" banner. Liv and Maya are spraying cans of  
air freshener. Audrey is sitting in the corner of  
the room sulking. Buffy and Willow come in from  
the kitchen. Willow appears to have been attacked  
by mint chocolate ice cream.

BUFFY  
(not noticing Xander)  
Okay. I spun around six times and cursed  
twice, so-

Everyone stops and looks at Xander and Lucy.

ALL  
(Meek)  
Surprise.

Lucy is horrified. Xander is somewhat amused.

XANDER  
Look. It's all my favorite people. And  
Spike.

LUCY  
Covered in cake and frosting.

XANDER  
Undead, yet delicious.

SPIKE  
Right. That's it.

Spike walks over and grabs Audrey by the arm.

AUDREY  
Hey! Let go!

SPIKE  
Party's over for us, love.

DAWN  
Oh! C'mon Spike. Stay a while.

XANDER  
Have a piece of cake!

Everyone snickers except for Willow. Spike snarls  
at Xander and marches out the door with a  
protesting Audrey.

WILLOW  
(Whimpers)  
Oh! So not the way it's supposed to be!

XANDER  
Are you kidding? Did you see the way  
Spike left? Tell me that wasn't fun.

WILLOW  
But! The banner is misspelled! The cake  
walked out the front door and the ice  
cream seems to be stuck to the kitchen  
ceiling.

Xander puts his hands on Willow's shoulders.

XANDER  
Will. First of all... Still blind. Can't  
read banners. Second: My friends are all  
here. Third: Spike is gone and- Wait.  
Where's Andrew?

GILES  
Carefully inventorying the scatological  
remains of the Apmaw demons at council  
headquarters.

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
-And Andrew isn't here. And finally: I  
don't need a cake. You see? Best.  
Birthday. Ever.

LUCY  
Um. There's ice cream on the ceiling?

LIV  
Well at least we cleaned up all the pus.

LUCY  
Pus? I'm just going to start drinking  
heavily now. Is that okay?

XANDER  
Knock yourself out.

WILLOW  
Oh! And I made your favorite homemade  
meal!

XANDER  
Chinese take-out?

WILLOW  
(nodding affirmatively)  
Mmm-hmm! And they deliver!

GILES  
(to Buffy)  
How is take-out homemade?

BUFFY  
Don't ask.

DAWN  
It's a Xanderism.

INT. CAPE KENNETH AIRPORT - BAGGAGE CLAIM

The two strangely dressed figures walk through the  
baggage claim. Jordy trails them from a distance.  
We catch snippets of their conversation

FIGURE1  
-it is tonight?

FIGURE2  
Yes. Our master-

FIGURE1  
-ishbearer-

Jordy cocks an eyebrow at the last statement.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH AIRPORT

Jordy follows the two figures as they approach an  
old beat-up van. The van door opens and he watches  
as the two figures step inside. Jordy captures a  
brief glimpse of a Fyarl demon inside.

FIGURE1  
Quickly! There isn't much time!

The door closes and the van takes off.

INT. AIRPORT - PUBLIC PHONE

Jordy rushes over to the phone, puts in a quarter  
and dials a number.

PHONE  
(filtered)  
I'm sorry. This line has been  
disconnected. Please try again.

Jordy hangs up the phone with a look of concern.  
He puts in a another quarter and dials again. This  
time he just gets a busy signal.

JORDY  
Huh.

INT. FONTAINE FOYER

Lucy is holding up what appears to be the remains  
of a telephone as everyone is chowing down on  
Chinese food from those paper food containers.

LUCY  
Um. Can anybody tell me what happened  
with the phone?

GILES  
Yes. Well, Audrey was trying to help  
with the decorations and tried to use  
some magic to-

LUCY  
Put ice cream on my ceiling and melt the  
telephone?

GILES  
Well, not as such. Who had the mu shu  
pork?

BUFFY  
Xander. No.

XANDER  
Oh... you're just afraid I'll beat you  
this time.

BUFFY  
No, I'm just remembering the potsticker  
projectile vomit launcher.

MAYA  
I'm sorry what?

DAWN  
Xander's challenging Buffy to a  
potsticker eating contest.

BUFFY  
Which he always loses.

LIV  
It's the superior slayer metabolism. You  
can't beat it.

XANDER  
Are you backing away from the challenge  
Summers? Because that means I'm taking  
home the championship belt by right of  
forfeit. Willow? Back me up on this.

WILLOW  
Sweetie. I know it's your birthday, but  
I just finished cleaning up Pus, ice  
cream and birthday cake. I think the  
potsticker challenge is a bad idea.

XANDER  
You people just don't know how to have  
fun.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE

Or rather the charred burned out remains of the  
firehouse. Jordy stands in front of it with a  
worried look on his face. A cab driver is leaning  
against his vehicle.

CABBIE  
Looks like your friend knows how to have  
a good time.

JORDY  
Yeah.

CABBIE  
Got any place else to call home?

JORDY  
Just one.

FX: The doorbell rings.

INT. FONTAINE FOYER

Buffy opens the door. When she opens the door her  
face registers her disgust.

BUFFY  
You.

Whistler stands on the door step with his arms in  
a complacent gesture.

WHISTLER  
Slayer! You're still alive?

BUFFY  
No. I'm dead. Go away.

WHISTLER  
Now. Now. I've got a gift for the  
birthday boy that just can't wait.

XANDER  
Let him in Buff.

Buffy scowls and steps in front of Whistler as he  
tries to walk by.

BUFFY  
Just so we're clear? Screw this party up  
and I'll kill you.

XANDER  
What brings you here Whistler? I mean,  
other than the open bar.

WHISTLER  
Hey... no wisecracks. I come bearing  
someone else's gifts.

Whistler pulls out an envelope and hands it to  
Xander

WHISTLER  
Happy Birthday.

XANDER  
What is it?

WHISTLER  
An envelope dummy.

Xander opens the envelope and pulls out what seems  
to be a small dirty coin corroded with tarnish.

XANDER  
What's-

Suddenly what appears to be energy surrounds  
Xander. Xander falls to the ground with a yelp of  
surprise. It one swift motion Buffy grabs Whistler  
and slams him into the wall.

BUFFY  
That's it. You're dead.

DAWN  
And when she's done killing you, we'll  
have Willow bring you back to life and  
then *I'll* kill you.

WHISTLER  
I swear! The letter came from a friend!

Lucy is checking Xander over.

LUCY  
Sparky? You okay?

XANDER  
Anybody get the number on that taser?

Lucy rolls her eyes.

LUCY  
He's fine.

BUFFY  
(to Whistler)  
Still going to kill you.

WHISTLER  
I swear! I didn't know! She told me it  
was a gift!

BUFFY  
Who?

Liv picks up a piece of paper from the envelope.

LIV  
What's this?

Liv opens up the paper. Giles looks over her  
shoulder.

LIV  
(reading)  
"My dearest Xander..."

GILES  
Oh dear lord.

Buffy is practically strangling Whistler.

BUFFY  
Who gave it to you? Some kind of evil  
demon? Someone who has it in for Xander?

GILES  
I know this handwriting.

Everyone looks at Giles.

XANDER  
Well? Whose is it?

Giles takes the letter and looks at it more  
closely.

GILES  
Anya's.

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
Oh great. I'm dead.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE

Dawn takes the letter from Giles and looks at it.

GILES  
Where did you get this?

WHISTLER  
Anya gave it to me before Sunnydale made  
with the whole hole thing.

XANDER  
And you're delivering this to me now?

WHISTLER  
Not the postal service buddy.

BUFFY  
How do we know this is really Anya?

 

DAWN  
(reading)  
"My dearest Xander, if you are reading  
this now I must be dead. How sucky is  
that? How come you got out alive and I  
didn't? This totally sucks."

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
It's Anya.

MAYA  
Who the heck is Anya?

LIV  
Ex-girlfriend as well as an ex-vengeance  
demon.

WILLOW  
Also the reason why we're not allowed to  
make a wish before we blow out candles  
on birthday cakes.

WHISTLER  
So see? Not me! Didn't know anything  
about a blurry energy thing!

Buffy drops Whistler on the floor.

BUFFY  
Get out.

Whistler wastes no time running for the door.

WHISTLER  
Happy birthday!

Buffy scowls at him as he runs out.

WILLOW  
What does she say?

DAWN  
(reading)  
"Enclosed you will find a token of the  
Ratselttab Acitalag which will grant  
whoever first touches it the ability to  
make one life-altering wish. This was  
originally going to be a gift for you on  
our wedding day which, by the way, you  
totally blew by running away from the  
altar. But since we've had many orgasms  
together since then..."  
(stops reading aloud)  
And she goes on from there. And on.  
And... whoa... You must really be a  
viking in the sack.

LUCY  
Boy howdy! You got that right.

Everyone looks at Lucy with a weird look.

LUCY  
Did... I say that out loud?

Liv starts rubbing her temples.

LIV  
Okay. I have a very disturbing visual  
image right now.

Giles has picked up the "token" and is examining  
it.

GILES  
Incredible. To say that these are rare  
is a major understatement.

BUFFY  
So it's true? Xander gets to make a  
wish?

Xander is not thrilled.

XANDER  
Aw crap.

DAWN  
What? This is good news right? It's like  
a genie in a lamp. Except that it's a  
coin and there's no fear of Robin  
Williams popping out of it.

WILLOW  
Dawn? Have we forgotten how well wishes  
have worked for us in the past? Need I  
remind you about a paler version of me  
wearing tight leather outfits?

BUFFY  
Or us being stuck in the house?

XANDER  
Not to mention all the fun and frivolity  
that a vengeance wish could bring?

LIV  
But this isn't a vengeance demon wish,  
this is a razza-ma-taz who's-it-thingie.

GILES  
She's right. Historically the Acitalag  
were a benevolent tribal society with no  
ill will to its fellow man.

MAYA  
Until? I sense an "until" coming on.

GILES  
Well... until their powers were  
discovered and they were exterminated by  
a neighboring tribe.

DAWN  
So see? Except for the tribe being wiped  
out... nothing to be worried about.

GILES  
W-w-well I wouldn't say that. An  
ill-worded wish can still

DAWN  
Anybody tell you that you suck the fun  
out of everything?

GILES  
Constantly.

BUFFY  
Wow Xan... A wish. I mean you could wish  
for almost anything.

A thought hits Lucy and she practically jumps out  
of her skin.

LUCY  
EYES!!

Everyone looks over at Lucy who is embarrassed by  
her outburst.

LUCY  
Uh. Yeah. Um... I vote for eyes.

GILES  
Xander, I don't have to tell you...

XANDER  
I know Giles. I lived with an  
ex-vengeance demon.

BUFFY  
An ex-vengeance demon you left at the  
altar.

WILLOW  
Right. Who's to say that this wish-mojo  
you have is a good thing.

LUCY  
So, what does this mean?

XANDER  
I'm not going to use it.

LUCY  
Ever?

XANDER  
Not if I can help it. The "w" word is  
now permanently off my vocabulary.

F/X: Doorbell rings

Buffy scowls.

BUFFY  
If that's Whistler, he's going to be  
wearing his ass for a hat.

LIV  
Um. Maybe I should get the door.

DAWN  
You sure about this Xander?

XANDER  
Very sure. I haven't utter that word in  
years, I can-

Suddenly we hear Liv scream. Instantly the whole  
group of people run to the foyer and see...

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - FOYER

Liv is squealing and hugging the stuffing out of  
Jordy.

LIV  
It's Jordy! It's Jordy!

Jordy calmly smiles at everyone.

JORDY  
Hi.

Maya steps forward with a pissed expression on her  
face.

MAYA  
"Hi"? Is that all you've got to say?  
"Hi." Let's see... no phone calls, no  
letters, not even a freakin' post card  
and all you got to say is "Hi"?

Jordy crocks an eyebrow.

JORDY  
Uh. I missed you.

MAYA  
You got that wolf of yours on a leash?

JORDY  
Yep.

Maya rushes across the room and tackles Jordy to  
the floor. Jordy's head bounces off the floor

JORDY  
Ow!

Jordy isn't complaining much more because Maya is  
kissing him like there's no tomorrow. Liv is still  
squealing.

LIV  
It's Jordy! It's Jordy!

LUCY  
Yeah. We got that.

DAWN  
Who's the oz clone?

BUFFY  
Jordy. His Cousin.

DAWN  
Ah. the biter.

Giles watches the two teenagers make out on the  
floor.

GILES  
Should we be doing something?

DAWN  
I'll get the hose.

Maya and Jordy stop finally kissing.

JORDY  
Miss me?

Maya shrugs.

MAYA  
Just a little.

Xander helps the two back up.

XANDER  
Good to have you back.

JORDY  
Good to be here. What happened to the  
firehouse?

XANDER  
Blew it up.

JORDY  
Ah. Explains the rubble.

Maya is holding on to Jordy pretty tightly.

MAYA  
Have you been working out?

JORDY  
Been scrubbing a lot of floors. Plus the  
monks have a kick ass nautilus machine.

MAYA  
Monks?

JORDY  
Tell you later. We've got trouble  
coming.

Everyone perks up.

JORDY  
Two guys were coming in on the same  
flight as me. Sounds like they're up to  
no good.

GILES  
What are they?

JORDY  
Not sure. All I know is that they're  
looking for the "fishbearer".

BUFFY  
Great. An apocalyptic cult that deals  
with fish.

WILLOW  
Should be easy to research.

LIV  
(looking out door)  
Uh. Guys? I think I know who the bad  
guys are.

The gang looks out the window to see

EXT. FONTAINE FRONT YARD

A mess of Fyarl demons and a pair of cloven handed  
vampires from a previous episode (World Without),  
Khaos and Aionios stand outside on the front yard.

KHAOS  
Attention inside! We only want the  
wishbearer!

AIONIOS  
Give him to us and no one has to die!

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE

Everybody sighs heavily.

MAYA  
So. You think they might have said  
"Wishbearer"?

Jordy shrugs.

JORDY  
Could be.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE

Everyone is talking at once.

XANDER  
Great. Heckle and Jeckle are holding me  
hostage for a wish. Dandy.

 

BUFFY  
Fyarl demons. I fought one of them  
before. They won't be much of a problem.

GILES  
Actually that wasn't a Fyarl demon. That  
was me.

BUFFY  
Oh. Right.

LUCY  
Why is it that my house has now become a  
showcase for property damage?

XANDER  
Weapons! Liv, do we still have those  
silver plated weapons from the last time  
we faced the Fyarls?

LIV  
They're in the weapons locker. I'll go  
get them.

Willow has an epiphany!

WILLOW  
Ooo! Presents!

Willow dashes off into the living room

XANDER  
Uh, Will? Don't you think that's better  
suited for another time?

AIONIOS  
(OS)  
You have ten minutes watcher!

KHAOS  
(OS)  
We assure you there will be no  
survivors!

Maya and Jordy are snuggling in the corner. Maya  
is pouting.

MAYA  
So. You couldn't write?

JORDY  
No mail delivery at the lamersery. Big  
Mountains, no letters. No mail. No  
phone. No internet. I swear.

MAYA  
So they have a gym but no phone?

JORDY  
Three-quarters of the monks there were  
under a vow of silence anyway. How are  
they supposed to answer a ringing phone?

MAYA  
Good point.

DAWN  
Uh... Guys? You are aware that there are  
a dozen Fyarl's outside waiting to kill  
us?

JORDY  
Yeah, we're just catching up here.

DAWN  
Okay. Catch up faster.

JORDY  
Anything new?

MAYA  
Audrey's a skank.

JORDY  
I knew that.

MAYA  
Okay we're done.

Liv rushes in with a bunch of daggers.

LIV  
I got 'em!

Buffy takes a dagger and frowns.

BUFFY  
Daggers? Is that all we have?

XANDER  
Do you have any idea how expensive it is  
to silver-plate a sword?

Xander hands a dagger to Giles and Jordy

XANDER  
(to Giles)  
Think you can handle this old man?

GILES  
Next time you call me an "old man" you  
better hope I don't have a dagger with  
me.

XANDER  
(to Jordy)  
You can control that wolf of yours  
right?

JORDY  
Yep. Just nobody stab me with the  
silver.

XANDER  
Ooo! Important safety tip! No stabbing  
the werewolf.

Buffy and Liv nod together.

LIV  
Right.

BUFFY  
Got it.

XANDER  
Okay... all non-powered human beings who  
aren't watchers... get thee to a  
basement.

MAYA  
But...

Xander pushes Dawn, Lucy and Maya towards the  
basement.

XANDER  
Go! Willow! Where are you?!

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Willow is tearing off the wrapping paper on  
Xander's presents.

WILLOW  
Why did everyone use the same wrapping  
paper?!!

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - FRONT YARD

KHAOS  
Has it been ten minutes?

AIONIOS  
Does it matter?

KHAOS  
Good point. Gentlemen? Go get 'em.

The Fyarl's all grunt and lumber toward the house.

AIONIOS  
Oh! One more thing!

The demons turn and look at the two vampires.

AIONIOS  
Don't kill the blind guy!

KHAOS  
That would be bad.

The Fyarl's nod and grunt and head into the house.  
Battle sounds can be heard in the front lawn.

AIONIOS  
I love watching a good battle, don't  
you?

KHAOS  
Oh. Quite.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Willow is still tearing open gifts. Battle sounds  
can be heard in the other room.

WILLOW  
(to herself)  
Where is it?! Where is it?!

Buffy flies into the room and hits the wall. hard.  
She shakes it off and runs back into the foyer.

BUFFY  
(while running)  
Will?! Little help here?!

WILLOW  
I'm working on it!

INT. FOYER

Giles and Xander tag team a Fyarl demon. Xander  
pins it to the wall and Giles stabs him with the  
silver dagger. The Fyarl disappears in a poof of  
black smoke.

Jordy has transformed into werewolf mode and  
charges a Fyarl. The Fyarl grabs him and tosses  
him across the room. Liv jumps in while the Fyarl  
is distracted and dusts him.

Buffy ducks under the attack of a Fyarl and uses  
his own momentum to smack him into another Fyarl.

XANDER  
Willow! Could use a little wiccan mojo  
here!

INT. LIVING ROOM

Willow tears open a box to find about a dozen  
glowing little spheres.

WILLOW  
Finally!

She grabs one of the spheres and runs towards the  
foyer

WILLOW  
Get back! Get Back! Everyone get back  
behind me!

INT. FOYER

Everyone backs off behind Willow as she runs into  
the room. Willow throws the sphere on the ground  
in front of her where it explodes in a flash of  
light. The Fyarl's hold up their arms and suddenly  
freeze.

The scooby gang look on amazed.

XANDER  
What the heck was that?

WILLOW  
Freezing spell. Thought it might come in  
handy if you were caught again by a  
horde of African zombies. Just make sure  
everyone is behind you when you throw it  
or you'll freeze them.

XANDER  
For me?

WILLOW  
Happy birthday!

Liv stabs one of the Fyarls and watches it poof  
into smoke.

LIV  
Nifty.

Buffy does the same to one of the other Fyarls.  
She frowns.

BUFFY  
Kind of makes it a little easy, don't  
you think?

Everyone gives her a strange look. Buffy pouts.

BUFFY  
I'm just saying.

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - FRONT YARD

Khaos and Aionios watch the front of the house  
with confusion.

KHAOS  
What's going on in there?

AIONIOS  
Not sure. Think they killed him?

SPIKE  
(OS)  
Not bloody likely.

Khaos and Ainonios turn to see Spike standing  
behind them.

KHAOS  
Spike!

AIONIOS  
How are you? What's it been? A century?

SPIKE  
Something like that.

KHAOS  
I heard a rumor that you got your soul  
back, is that true?

Spike stakes Khaos who explodes into dust.

SPIKE  
Yep.

AIONIOS  
Now Spike, I don't suppose you'd let me  
go? You know, for old times sake?

Spike thinks about it for a second.

SPIKE  
Hmmm.

Spike stakes Aioinos

SPIKE  
No.

AIOINOS  
Well that's just rud-

And Aioinos explodes into dust.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Everyone is relaxing and getting nursing for their  
battle wounds.

XANDER  
How'd they know I got the whole  
wish-deal?

JORDY  
I thought I heard something about a  
prophecy on the plane.

WILLOW  
The energy signature being released by  
the token might have given them a way to  
track where it was too?

XANDER  
So this whole thing could happen again?

LUCY  
Great. More property damage.

SPIKE  
Why don't you wish for something simple  
and get it over with?

GILES  
It's not that simple Spike.

SPIKE  
Sure it is. You make a wish for a glass  
of water.

MAYA  
Kind of wasteful don't you think?

SPIKE  
Beats dealing with the consequences.

WILLOW  
Maybe there's a way we could do some  
research on how to get the wish back  
into the token.

LIV  
How long will that take?

DAWN  
Oh... given the resources that the  
watcher council has? Probably a couple  
of months.

LUCY  
Months?

XANDER  
This isn't going to work. I can't have  
this thing hanging over my head.

BUFFY  
So...

XANDER  
I'm going to use it.

MAYA  
What for?

XANDER  
That's the million dollar question. What  
would you guys wish for?

BUFFY  
I don't know. I probably wouldn't use it  
for myself. Maybe a peaceful world?

Giles is reviewing Anya's letter.

GILES  
According to the letter and what I know  
about the Acitalag, this is a  
life-altering wish. Not a universal  
wish. One can only wish for something  
that will affect yours or another  
persons life.

JORDY  
So he can wish for someone to have a  
better life, but not for world hunger to  
end.

GILES  
Correct. And most wishes to destroy any  
particular kind of evil are usually  
ineffective.

XANDER  
Figures. I would be the guy to get the  
Yugo-version of wishes.

DAWN  
Angel! You could wish for him to be  
human.

SPIKE  
Pfft. He wouldn't take it. The poof  
wants to make it on his own even after  
he signed it off in a binding legal  
agreement.

BUFFY  
It's true. He wouldn't take it.

LUCY  
What about you Spike?

SPIKE  
Me? Human? Give up the super strength  
and blood drinking. Never happen.

DAWN  
Didn't you go through a whole battle  
with Angel just to be the center of some  
prophecy?

SPIKE  
Well... yeah. But that was mostly to  
piss off the nancy boy. Plus the whole  
thing was a hoax anyway. Besides if you  
think I want anything to do with that  
wish thing, forget it.

XANDER  
Ahhh... He just didn't want Angel to  
have it. Jealous much.

SPIKE  
Whatever.

Spike stalks out of the room. Willow pulls Xander  
aside.

WILLOW  
Xander, are you sure about this?

Xander looks over at Lucy who is tending to a  
small gash on Liv's forehead.

XANDER  
Yeah. I'm sure.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BEDROOM

Xander sits on the bed, channel surfing as he  
"meditates". Lucy knocks gently on the door frame.

XANDER  
Hey.

LUCY  
Any luck?

XANDER  
So far? No. Every time I think of  
something the butterfly effect keeps  
popping up. So far I've got hell on  
earth.

Switches channel

XANDER  
Meteorite hits earth.

Switches channel

XANDER  
Thousands of people eaten by goats.

Switches channel

XANDER  
Attacked by flying monkeys.

Switches channel.

XANDER  
Hell on earth again.

LUCY  
Flying Monkeys?

XANDER  
That's what would happen if I gave  
Andrew permanent pimples.

Lucy chuckles as Xander sighs.

LUCY  
Did you think to wish for-

XANDER  
Liv?

Lucy nods with a worried luck on her face.

XANDER  
I tried. If I try anything to keep her  
safe it... well the butterfly effect  
again.

LUCY  
Really? Why?

XANDER  
She's not just a slayer, but one of the  
chosen slayers. There's pack load of  
fate and destiny riding on her back.

LUCY  
Do any of your visions tell you...

XANDER  
No. I don't know what will happen with  
her. Too many possibilities.

Lucy frowns.

XANDER  
Maybe I should just ask for a glass of  
water and be done with it.

LUCY  
You'll do the right thing.

XANDER  
How do you know?

LUCY  
Just who you are.

Xander flips the channels a couple more times,  
going past a music channel.

LUCY  
Back up a few.

Xander backs up to the music channel. It's playing  
a song.

MUSIC  
Oh! Why you look so sad?  
Tears are in your eyes  
Come on and come to me now

Lucy pulls Xander off the bed.

XANDER  
What's this?

LUCY  
My favorite slow song. Dance with me  
birthday boy.

MUSIC  
Don't be ashamed to cry  
Let me see you through  
'Cause I've seen the dark side too

XANDER  
Cheery lyrics.

Lucy puts her head on Xander's chest and her arms  
around his waist.

LUCY  
Shhh.

The two dance slowly together while cuddling.

MUSIC  
When the night falls on you  
You don't know what to do  
Nothing you confess  
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you  
I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
I'll stand by you

Willow comes to the door of room and is about to  
say something when she sees Xander dancing.  
Xander's back is to her. She smiles and watches  
the two dance

MUSIC  
So if you're mad, get mad  
Don't hold it all inside  
Come on and talk to me now

A wistful look crosses Willow's face.

MUSIC  
Hey, what you got to hide?  
I get angry too  
Well, I'm a lot like you

Willow quietly walks away. Xander turns and looks  
at the doorway.

MUSIC  
When you're standing at the crossroads  
And don't know which path to choose  
Let me come along  
'Cuz even if you're wrong...

LUCY  
What is it?

XANDER  
I've got an idea.

LUCY  
Do you want me to leave?

Xander smiles

XANDER  
Let's finish the dance first.

Lucy smiles and they lean in to kiss each other.

MUSIC  
I'll stand by you  
I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
I'll stand by you  
Take me in, into your darkest hour  
And I'll never desert you  
I'll stand by you.

FADE MUSIC FADE TO:

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Xander walks down the steps from upstairs and into  
the living room. Everyone one looks at Xander with  
anticipation.

LUCY  
So did you do it?

Xander nods. Maya walks in from the foyer carrying  
a box.

 

MAYA  
Hey Xander? This package just arrived  
for you.

Xander gets excited.

XANDER  
Open it!

Everyone looks intently as Maya tears off the  
paper wrapping to reveal-

JORDY  
The special edition DVD of "The Ghost  
and Mr. Chicken"?

XANDER  
Yes! It came!

WILLOW  
Xander! I can't believe you!

XANDER  
What?

WILLOW  
You wasted a wish on something that,  
first of all, you can't watch and  
second... hello! Ever hear of Amazon?

XANDER  
Don't be a goof. I didn't wish for this.  
I bought it for myself.

LUCY  
Still a waste though.

XANDER  
Shush.

WILLOW  
Well... then, what did you wish for?

XANDER  
I thought about it and decided that if  
there was anyone who deserved something  
good, it had to be for my best bud.

Willow, and pretty much everyone else is floored.

WILLOW  
You... you wished for me? But... what  
did you say?

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
"I wish for Willow to have the one thing  
she needs to be completely happy."

Buffy scrunches her face in thought.

BUFFY  
One thing that would make her-?

Dawn's eyes almost pop out of her head. She  
squeals and begins to jump up and down.

BUFFY  
What's with you?

DAWN  
I know! I know! I know what it is!

Giles goes pale in realization.

GILES  
Oh dear lord.

Willow whimpers and her forehead gets that crinkly  
thing she gets when she's worried. She swallows  
hard.

WILLOW  
Okay... getting a little scared here.

XANDER  
It's okay Will. I checked this out. It's  
nothing but good.

WILLOW  
But what is it?

XANDER  
Not really an "it" Will.

WILLOW  
What?

From the foyer we can hear the sounds of footsteps  
slowly coming down the stairs. We focus on a pair  
of feet in sandals and the bottom of a skirt as it  
walks into the living room. We slowly pan up until  
with see the crooked smile of-

TARA  
Hi.

Maya, Jordy and Liv are totally confused.

LIV  
Hi.

JORDY  
Hey.

MAYA  
Um... Anyone care to explain Mystery  
Girl?

No one does.

Willow is frozen to the spot and can't turn  
around. Tears stream down Buffy and Dawn's smiling  
faces. Even Giles removes his glasses and wipes  
away a tear.

Lucy comes up from behind Xander and puts her arms  
around his waist and her chin on his shoulder

LUCY  
(whispering)  
Is that who I think it is?

Xander smiles and nods.

XANDER  
Turn around Will.

If Willow was a car she'd be overheating right  
now. She starts fanning herself with her hands.

WILLOW  
But... I... but... wha-huh..

XANDER  
Can you put that in the form of English?

WILLOW  
I....

Xander gently takes Willow by the shoulders and  
slowly turns her around. Willow's eyes are  
scrunched tight.

XANDER  
Open your eyes, Will.

Willow opens her eyes. Her mouth drops open and  
she starts to cry. Tara steps forward and walks up  
to Willow. Tara's lips are pursed together in a  
tight smile. She brushes her fingertips through  
Willow's hair.

TARA  
Oh. L-look at you. It's-It's okay.

Willow slowly reaches out and caresses Tara's  
face.

WILLOW  
Baby?

TARA  
Miss me?

Willow starts to sob. She embraces Tara tightly.  
Tara holds on to Willow just as hard. Willow is  
sobbing so hard she's gasping for breath.

Suddenly Willow and Tara are practically tackled  
by Buffy and Dawn, who are sobbing right along  
with Willow.

Xander is all smiles. Lucy wipes her eyes on  
Xander's shoulder and gives him a peck on the  
cheek.

LUCY  
Pretty nice gift there, Sparky.

GILES  
(choked up)  
Indeed.

Liv, Jordy and Maya? Still confused.

LIV  
Okay. Am I missing something?

MAYA  
Right there with ya, Mugsy.

JORDY  
Ditto.

Tara looks up at Xander with her crooked grin.

TARA  
Thank you.

Xander smiles back and nods.

XANDER  
Welcome home.

CUT TO:

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BACKYARD

Laughter and music is heard from the house

Liv exits the house carrying two bags of garbage  
and carries them to the alley where she tosses  
them in the trash can.

SPIKE  
(OS)  
He brought her back, eh?

Liv turns to see Spike leaning against the wall,  
smoking a cigarette.

LIV  
How do you know about-?

SPIKE  
Vampire hearing. Plus I lurk. Hasn't  
your watcher taught you anything?

LIV  
(indignant)  
He's taught me plenty. What's your  
problem?

Spike looks at the house with disgust as the sound  
of laughter echoes out into the alley.

SPIKE  
They all forgot. You'd think they  
learned the first two or three times.

LIV  
Well aren't we the fortune cookie of  
doom and gloom?

Spike gives liv a sharp look. He tosses the  
cigarette on the ground and grinds it out with his  
heel.

SPIKE  
Listen up, half-pint. "Saint" Harris  
might think he's done something  
wonderful for the ages in there. In the  
end? He's doomed us all.

LIV  
For bringing her back?

SPIKE  
For upsetting the natural order of  
things. He should've known better. And  
he's going to pay for it.

Spike sighs and walks off into the night.

SPIKE  
We all are.

Liv watches Spike go and then turns toward her  
house. As more laughter echoes into the alley, Liv  
frowns.

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT IV

**AUTHOR'S NOTES:**

Okay... Explaining time

This is from a challenge I made on SFA a while  
back based on this tidbit I found in the trivia  
section of IMDB:

"While speaking at the Wizard World Chicago  
Convention in August, 2004, Joss Whedon revealed  
that he had planned to bring the character of Tara  
back from the dead at the end of Season 7. The  
episode would have centered around Buffy being  
granted one "life-altering" wish. Buffy would have struggled  
the whole episode trying to decide what she wanted  
to do with the wish (including, possibly,  
restoring Angel's humanity). The episode would  
have ended with Buffy telling Willow that she'd  
just gotten a great new pair of shoes, and when  
Willow asked her if she used up her wish on new  
shoes, Buffy would have said, "No, silly!" and  
stepped aside to reveal Tara. This plan was abandoned  
when Amber Benson, who played Tara, was  
unavailable for filming."

This little story has caused me more than my usual  
cases of neurotic angst. Mainly because I'm  
bringing back a title character who was dead. And  
not just dead as in "Ooo the character died under  
mystical circumstances and will be back next  
season". Nope this was shot through the heart  
dead, something you really don't recover from.  
So... yeah. The story freaked me out a little  
bit.

Disclaimer:  
Forgot to add that the song is "I'll stand by you" by the Pretenders. I have no permission whatsoever to use the lyrics


	14. Dream

TEASER

INT. AFRICAN HUT

The Igqhira sits cross legged on the floor, eyes  
closed, chanting in Bantu and swaying side to  
side.

He opens one eye and looks over at...

Audrey. She is also sitting on the floor  
crosslegged, wearing her pajamas and filing her  
nails.

IGQHIRA  
You're not paying attention.

AUDREY  
Yeah. Pretty much.

IGQHIRA  
How can I stress to you the importance  
of-

AUDREY  
Look... We've been doing this whole  
dream thing every night for what?  
Months? Years?

IGQHIRA  
It certainly feels that way.

AUDREY  
Let's face it. Not the magic girl  
everyone expects me to be. I don't like  
it. I don't want it and quite frankly  
it's icky. There's only one spell I've  
learned that works really well.

IGQHIRA  
And what is that?

Audrey holds up a jelly doughnut.

IGQHIRA  
I see. So when the izithunzela attacks,  
you are just going to pelt them with  
Jelly doughnuts.

AUDREY  
I thought it was a neat trick.

Igqhira sighs.

IGQHIRA  
The time is coming where your abilities  
will be needed. You must be prepared.  
Now drop the jelly doughnut and go into  
my cabinet and get the frog entrails.

Audrey makes a face of disgust, but walks to the  
cabinet.

AUDREY  
Is there anyone who has stranger dreams  
than me?

EXT. CEMETERY

It's your typical weeknight. Liv is battling three  
vampires in the graveyard.

Liv ducks under a flying kick of a vampire, sweeps  
the leg and knocks the vampire to the ground.  
Before she can stake him, she is tackled by  
another vampire and rolls across the ground.

VOICE  
(OS - Heavily accented)  
She is not doing very well.

Liv shakes off the vampire, delivers a one-two  
punch combo followed with a roundhouse kick. The  
vampire goes flying.

VOICE2  
(OS)  
She's still learning.

The third vampire charges her.

VOICE3  
(OS)  
She doesn't have much time.

Liv pulls out a stake and uses the vampire's  
momentum to stab him in the heart. She gives a  
quick glance to the people talking about

LIV  
Yeah. Could really do without the peanut  
gallery.

Liv gets hit with flying kick and falls to the  
ground.

Kendra, Amanda and Kennedy sit on grave stones  
watching Liv fight the remaining vampires.

KENDRA  
Her moves are very sloppy.

KENNEDY  
What do you know? You were a slayer for  
what? Five minutes?

AMANDA  
No, actually that was me.

Liv manages to stake another vampire.

LIV  
Trying to work here!

AMANDA  
Sorry.

KENNEDY  
Don't be sorry!

KENDRA  
A slayer must be able to work past any  
distraction.

Amanda rolls her eyes.

AMANDA  
Yeah. Like you guys would be able to  
slay anything with three dead people  
talking to you.

Liv takes two punches to the head.

KENNEDY  
She's going to feel that tomorrow.

KENDRA  
She will not be ready. She should train  
more.

KENNEDY  
She should learn to deal with  
distractions.

As Liv stakes the final vampire she seems to be  
moving in slow motion.

AMANDA  
She should do the hokey-pokey.

As Liv's stake hits home, a bright light envelopes  
the entire scene.

EXT. A FOREST - NIGHT

Liv looks around at her new environment. A mist  
filled forest seems to surround her. She suddenly  
is filled with fear.

LIV  
No. Not here. Not again.

Various forms seem to crawl through the mist. We  
hear the sound of whispering, but the voice is  
quiet for us to discern the words. Liv clamps her  
hands over her ears and shakes her head.

LIV  
God... no. Please God, n-

From the trees above a dark form jumps on top of  
Liv.

Liv screams.

INT. FONTAIN HOUSE - LIV'S BEDROOM

Liv wakes and practically jumps out of her bed.  
She's breathing hard like she just ran a mile at  
top speed.

END TEASER

 

ACT I

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT

Xander walks down the steps in his pajamas  
yawning. In the background we hear the sounds of  
violence and grunting.

XANDER  
Liv?

Xander turns the corner of the steps. Liv is in  
her workout clothes and beating the snot out of a  
punching bag. She doesn't hear him.

XANDER  
Liv!

Liv yelps and jumps away in surprise. She gives  
Xander a sheepish look.

LIV  
Oh. Sorry. Did I wake you up?

XANDER  
No the screams of pain coming from the  
punching bag did.

LIV  
Sorry.

XANDER  
What's wrong?

LIV  
Why would something be wrong?

XANDER  
It's three in the morning and you're  
beating the crap out of an inanimate  
object. Usually a pretty good sign of  
wrongness.

LIV  
I... I just had a bad dream. That's all.

XANDER  
You sure?

LIV  
Yeah.

Xander tilts his head at Liv.

XANDER  
Liv, I-

LIV  
Don't. Just don't look at me with your  
spook-o-vision. I don't want to talk  
about it.

Xander frowns.

LIV  
I'm sorry. It's just...

Xander gives Liv a half smile and a reasurring pat  
on the back.

XANDER  
I get it. C'mon. Let's get you back to  
bed.

And the two walk up the stairs together.

INT. LIV'S BEDROOM

Xander walks Liv to her door.

XANDER  
Sure you don't need anything? Warm Milk?  
Glass of water?

LIV  
No.

XANDER  
Holy water? More stakes?

Liv smiles

LIV  
I'm fully stocked. Thanks.

Xander wags his finger at Liv.

XANDER  
Then go to bed.

Liv smiles and waves him off. She closes the door  
and stares at the bed for a few moments. She  
timidly crawls into bed.

Instead of going to sleep, Liv stares at the clock  
in front of her.

INT. LIV'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Liv stares at the alarm clock, in the same  
position she was before. She hasn't slept. From  
elsewhere in the house, we hear a ruckus

Liv gets up and heads to the door.

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

Willow is running around the house gathering up  
items. Tara, Xander, Dawn and Lucy watch with  
amusement.

WILLOW  
Gah! 20 minutes!

XANDER  
Will, you're a witch. Can't you just zap  
you and Tara to Hawaii?

WILLOW  
Can't. Where's my laptop?!

Willow runs out of the room.

DAWN  
Well she could zap over if she and Tara  
hadn't been up all night doing-

Liv enters the room.

DAWN  
uh. Crossword puzzles.

Tara blushes.

TARA  
Yes. Crossword puzzles. It's something  
we do together.

LIV  
Really? What's a seven letter word for  
"I'm not an idiot"?

LUCY  
She's broke your code, Dawn.

DAWN  
All the smart girls do.

LIV  
Where you two going?

TARA  
Willow and I thought it might be good to  
reconnect. So-

Willow runs in full panic mode.

WILLOW  
Clothes! Everywhere! Spell components!  
Elsewhere!

XANDER  
Honestly Will, you couldn't pack last  
night?

Dawn coughs and mutters into her coffee cup.

DAWN  
(sotto)  
Crossword puzzles.

LUCY  
It's okay will. I'll help you pack. Liv?  
Sweetie? You need to get moving for  
school.

WILLOW  
(whimpers)  
Fifteen minutes!

Dawn sighs and takes Willow by the arm.

DAWN  
Come on Will. Let's get you taken care  
of.

And the room empties except for Tara and Xander.

XANDER  
You don't need to pack?

Tara gives him a shy grin.

TARA  
I don't have that many clothes at the  
moment since-

XANDER  
Right. Right. Um... Can I ask you a  
question? About- well about where you  
were?

TARA  
What you mean to ask is if I'm going to  
go all Buffy on you guys.

XANDER  
Well... I assume that when I wished you  
back you were in... y'know.

Tara smiles.

TARA  
There are many different places you can  
go when you die Xander. Where I ended up  
was a lot closer here to earth than you  
might think.

Xander signs in relief then looks at Tara and  
tilts his head. He nods.

XANDER  
You were watching over Willow the entire  
time, weren't you?

TARA  
You're getting better with the visions.

XANDER  
So... you were... What? A guardian  
angel?

TARA  
More like... a guiding presence. It's...  
It's difficult to describe.

XANDER  
Is it like trying to steer by waving  
your hands emphatically?

Tara laughs.

TARA  
Pretty much.

Tara and Xander chuckle together. Tara looks at  
Xander for a moment and frowns. Xander does his  
head tilting thing.

XANDER  
What's wrong?

Tara shakes her head.

TARA  
N-nothing.

XANDER  
Liar.

Tara sighs.

TARA  
Xander. The wish you used... I know you  
"checked" everything out. But did you  
check... well "everything"?

XANDER  
What do you mean? Are you not happy to  
be-

TARA  
Oh! Oh no! I'm very happy to be here.  
I'm just wondering. Well what the cost  
is going to be.

XANDER  
It was a wish. I checked everything best  
I could. Why? Do you...

Xander gives Tara a funny look.

XANDER  
You know something. You know what's  
going to happen.

Tara looks down.

TARA  
I-I know some things. Things I c-can't  
really tell you.

XANDER  
It's Liv. Something's going to happen to  
her.

Tara looks at Xander.

TARA  
I-I can't tell you. I-I really don't  
know what exactly will happen. Even  
*they* don't really know.

Xander and Tara just stare at each other.

Lucy and Dawn come down with a set of suitcases  
and a frazzled Willow.

LUCY  
Let's go Tara!

DAWN  
We better get you and Will to the  
airport before she goes "Rainman" on us.

WILLOW  
(whimpers)  
Ten minutes.

Lucy and Dawn hustle Willow out the door. Tara  
gets up and squeezes Xander shoulder. Xander looks  
up and Tara gives him a sad smile.

TARA  
Thank you.

Xander puts his hand over hers and squeezes back.  
He gives her a sad smile. Tara kisses him on the  
cheek and heads out.

Xander sits in the kitchen alone. A troubled look  
on his face.

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - HALLWAY

Liv yawns as she walks down the hallway, drinking  
coffee from a styrofoam cup.

VOICE  
(OS)  
Hey you.

Liv jumps and spills some coffee on the floor. She  
turns on Tucker with a scowl on her face.

LIV  
Don't do that! You startled me!

Tucker grins.

TUCKER  
I startled a slayer? Do I get bonus  
points for that?

LIV  
You get the pleasure of knowing I didn't  
rip your heart of your chest.

Tucker takes a step back. Liv frowns at herself  
and puts her free arm around Tucker's waist as  
they walk down the hallway.

LIV  
Sorry. Rough night.

TUCKER  
Long night of demon killing?

LIV  
No. Just didn't sleep well and so...

A hand reaches out and pulls Liv's coffee cup  
away. Maya steps in front of Liv holding the cup  
up. Jordy is leaning up against the wall.

MAYA  
Just what do you think you're doing?!

LIV  
No! Give it back!

MAYA  
You are not allowed near this stuff.

LIV  
Unh! Sleepy! Need caffiene!

TUCKER  
What's wrong with Liv drinking coffee?

MAYA  
She gets loopy.

TUCKER  
Loopy?

JORDY  
Well, loopier.

LIV  
Hey! Standing right here!

MAYA  
Coffee is a banned substance when it  
comes to Fontaine.

LIV  
Can I just sniff it?!

MAYA  
No. The last time you had coffee, Sister  
Patricia had a stress induced heart  
attack.

JORDY  
Liv went off on her interpretation of  
Moby Dick.

LIV  
That wasn't a heart attack, it was  
anxiety. Plus it's her own fault for  
eating fatty foods.

JORDY  
Why are you so tired? Patrols were over  
by eleven last night.

LIV  
I... Just had a bad night. That's all.

Maya gives Liv a suspicious look

LIV  
What?

MAYA  
Are you okay?

LIV  
I'm fine! Gimme the damn coffee!

Maya throws the coffee into a trash can.

LIV  
NOOOOOO!

MAYA  
You'll thank me later.

LIV  
If "thank" is defined as me hunting you  
down and skinning you alive, then yes: I  
will thank you later.

MAYA  
You know you love me and that's just the  
caffeine talking

Liv scowls and growls at Maya. Everyone except for  
Liv laughs at her reaction.

TUCKER  
Come on. We'll be late for Chem.

LIV  
(to Maya)  
I'll get you my pretty.

Liv points at Jordy.

LIV  
And your little dog too!

Jordy and Maya laugh as Tucker and Liv walk away.

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S - CHEM LAB

Liv yawns heavily as the Teacher lectures the  
class on chemical compounds. Her yawn is so loud  
everyone giggles.

TEACHER  
Am I boring you Ms. Fontaine?

LIV  
No I-

Liv yawns loudly again.

LIV  
I'm sorry. I didn't sleep well.

TEACHER  
Well perhaps some phyisical activity  
will do you good. I need some additional  
alcohol from the supply closet. Do you  
think you can stay awake long enough to  
get it?

Liv nods.

TUCKER  
Do you need help?

LIV  
I got it.

Liv heads off to the supply closet, opens the door  
and walks into-

INT. PYRAMID SHAPED ROOM

An old woman with long grey hair sits on the  
ground. Liv looks around the room frustrated.

OLD WOMAN  
So. You're the new girl.

LIV  
Where...? How?

OLD WOMAN  
You shouldn't be running. Running will  
only make it worse.

LIV  
I don't know what you're talking about.

OLD WOMAN  
Oh. You do. Or you will before this is  
all over.

LIV  
Who are you?

OLD WOMAN  
I was one of many. Then I was just the  
one. Now I am just a memory.

LIV  
And apparently a fortune cookie.

OLD WOMAN  
(sighs)  
They told me you might have a mouth.

LIV  
Where am I?

OLD WOMAN  
Another time, another place.

The pyramidial tomb-like surroundings slowly begin  
to change.

LIV  
I'm not going to get a straight answer  
out of you am I?

Plants start appearing around them. Neither Liv  
nor the Old Woman notice.

OLD WOMAN  
You're not asking the right questions.

Trees begin to appear. Liv looks hard at the Old  
Woman. The question seems to bubble out of her.

LIV  
How do I stop what's coming?

OLD WOMAN  
By remembering my words.

LIV  
What? That you were many, then a memory?

Mist begins to surround them

OLD WOMAN  
Not my words to you. To the other one.

LIV  
What's coming after me?

OLD WOMAN  
That... you will have to find for  
yourself.

The old woman turns and walks away into the mist.  
Liv looks around at her surroundings.

LIV  
Wait!

Liv runs into the forest after the woman who has  
completely disappeared. Liv looks around in panic  
as the whispering sound starts up again.

LIV  
(covering her ears)  
Stop it! Stop it!

From the brush, a figure leaps out at Liv trying  
to grab her arm.

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S - CHEM LAB

Liv jerks awake from her desk.

LIV  
No!

Liv gets her bearings and realizes that everyone  
is staring at her.

TEACHER  
Problem, Ms. Fontaine?

LIV  
Uh.. no. No problems.

Liv's classmates snicker and mutter to each other.  
Tucker leans in.

TUCKER  
You okay?

Liv gives Tucker an annoyed look

LIV  
I'm fine. I just fell asleep. Why?

Tucker points at her arm.

TUCKER  
Um. You tell me.

Liv looks down at her arm, which is covered with  
bloody scratch marks.

TUCKER  
How did you get those?

Liv looks up at Tucker with a worried look.

LIV  
I... I don't know.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

Lucy is tying a bandage around Liv's arm.

LUCY  
You want to tell me what happened?

Liv looks at her Mom sheepishly.

LUCY  
Tucker said you fell asleep in class, is  
that true?

Liv nods.

LUCY  
And when you woke up you had those  
scratches on your arms.

Liv doesn't say anything.

LUCY  
It's happening again, isn't it?

Liv looks away.

LUCY  
You're having those dreams again. That's  
what woke you up last night.

LIV  
(Quietly)  
It's not anything to worry about.

LUCY  
You did this to yourself while dreaming.  
I think this is something to worry  
about.

LIV  
I'm fine.

LUCY  
You're hurting yourself again.

LIV  
I had two dreams. It's not like it was  
before.

Lucy looks at her daughter with a worried look.

LUCY  
I think we should call Dr. Bradshaw.

LIV  
No. I don't need my head shrunk. I don't  
need any drugs. I'll be fine. Seriously.  
We don't need to do this.

LUCY  
Honey-

LIV  
I'll be okay. Really.

LUCY  
Promise me you'll come to me if you have  
more. Please?

LIV  
I promise. It was just a bad dream. One  
time deal. I swear.

 

INT. FONTAINE BASEMENT

Liv nervously pads down the steps in her workout  
clothes. She turns the corner around the stairs  
and yelps in surprise when she sees a figure sitting  
in the middle of the floor.

 

Jordy sits in the lotus position meditating, bare  
chested, eyes closed.

LIV  
Jesus, Jordy. What are you doing down  
here?

Jordy opens one eye to look at Liv and cocks an  
eyebrow.

JORDY  
Meditating.

LIV  
At three in the morning?

JORDY  
Full moon. My inner pooch is working  
overtime. You?

LIV  
Couldn't sleep. Thought I'd work out a  
bit.

JORDY  
What's wrong?

LIV  
Who says anything is wrong?

JORDY  
You. You got that little crease in your  
forehead you get whenever your anxious.

LIV  
I'm always anxious.

JORDY  
That crease is deeper than normal. Plus  
you smell anxious.

LIV  
I smell?

JORDY  
It's a werewolf thing.

LIV  
It's a creepy thing.

JORDY  
So what's bugging you?

Liv scowls.

LIV  
I'm fine.

JORDY  
You know who you're talking to right?  
The guy who had to go to Tibet and  
almost hurt his girlfriend because he  
couldn't admit he had a problem.

Liv puts on a pair of gloves and starts wailing on  
the punching bag.

LIV  
I don't want to talk about it.

JORDY  
(shrugs)  
Neither did I.

LIV  
I'm fine.

JORDY  
I thought so too.

LIV  
(Throws a hard punch to the bag)  
Why are you bothering me on this?

JORDY  
Because something's wrong and you won't  
let anyone help you.

Liv begins to step up the pace of her punches and  
kicks, getting more violent with each move she  
makes.

JORDY  
I know you're scared, but-

LIV  
I'm.Not.Scared.

JORDY  
Whatever it is Liv, you don't have to  
shut us out.

LIV  
(punctuating each word with a  
vicious punch)  
I'm!Not!Scared!

Liv's final punch sends the bag flying off the chain.  
She starts breathing hard and starts getting  
teary.

Jordy gets up from his position and quietly approaches  
Liv. He puts his hand on her shoulder. Liv  
flinches and slaps his hand away and tries not to  
cry.

LIV  
I'm fine! Leave me the hell alone!

JORDY  
Yeah. Not gonna happen.

Liv looks at Jordy and then bursts into tears.  
Jordy gives her a small smile and gently takes her  
into his arms in a friendly embrace.

JORDY  
Shhh. It'll be okay.

LIV  
(sniffs)  
You don't know that.

JORDY  
I know you.

This seems to calm Liv down a little and she rest  
her head on Jordy's shoulder.

LIV  
(still crying)  
Thanks. Maya's pretty lucky, you know.

JORDY  
She'd argue that I'm really the lucky  
one to have her.

Liv sniffs and wipes Jordy's shoulder with her  
hand.

LIV  
I'm getting your shoulder all ooky.

JORDY  
What's a little ook between friends?  
Liv chuckles a little and relaxes on Jordy's shoulder,  
closing her eyes.

LIV  
Thank you.

Jordy mumbles a reply and Liv sighs.

LIV  
Sorry, what was that?

What sounds like another mumble comes from Jordy.  
Liv opens her eyes and sees...

EXT. THE FOREST

Liv realizes that the person she is holding onto  
isn't Jordy. She freaks and begins to beat the  
crap out of the creature in front of her. (And  
doing a good job of it too)

She's screaming as she does this. Completely out  
of control

VOICE  
Liv!

Liv continues to smack the figure around until a hand  
reaches out and grabs her and shakes her.

VOICE  
Liv! You're killing him!

Liv finds herself being shaken by Lucy, who has a look  
of fear in her eyes. She's back in the basement

LIV  
What?

Lucy points over in the corner where Jordy lies unconscious  
and beaten to a pulp.

LUCY  
Why did you do this to him? Xander!

LIV  
I... I don't know.

Xander races down the stairs and starts checking out  
Jordy.

XANDER  
We better get him checked out at the  
hospital.

LIV  
(starts to cry again)  
I'm sorry!

Xander and Lucy share a look.

XANDER  
We'll talk about this later.  
Xander picks up Jordy and heads upstairs. Lucy turns and  
looks at Liv with a sad look.

LUCY  
Honey. We have to tell him. It's gone on  
too far.

LIV  
I didn't mean it!

LUCY  
You didn't mean it the last time either,  
sweetie. You need help.

LIV  
No!

Liv runs out of the room crying.

LUCY  
Liv! Wait!

Lucy runs after her.

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE

Liv runs out the front door an into the night,  
partially crying, partially panicking.

Lucy runs to the front door but Liv is gone.

LUCY  
Liv!

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

Liv sits at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of  
coffee. Xander and Dawn enter the room.

LIV  
How is he?

DAWN  
He'll be fine. He's got a couple of  
cracked ribs and a concussion. They're  
keeping him overnight, just for  
observation.

XANDER  
Has Liv come back yet?

LUCY  
(shakes head)  
No.

DAWN  
Don't worry. I called Spike and we have  
the squad out looking for her.

XANDER  
I just don't understand what happened.

Lucy sighs and looks crestfallen.

LUCY  
I should have said something before.

Xander and Dawn exchange a look.

XANDER  
About what?

LUCY  
A couple of years ago? Liv went through  
a bad... spell. Not a real spell mind  
you, but she kind of... lost it for a  
while.

XANDER  
What do you mean?

LUCY  
She started having bad dreams and  
wouldn't sleep for days. She kept  
talking about some kind of creature  
trying to hurt her. When she did sleep  
the dreams were so bad she started to  
hurt herself at night. It got so bad she  
started to hallucinate about the  
creature attacking her when she

Dawn cocks an eyebrow at this as though it sounds  
familiar.

DAWN  
You said this was just after she became  
a slayer?

LUCY  
Yes. It got so bad she... she attacked  
me at one point. I had to put her into  
the hospital and they put her on  
anti-psychotic medication, but-

A knowing look crosses Dawn's face.

DAWN  
It didn't help.

Lucy looks over at Dawn with a shocked expression.  
EXT. THE WOODS

Spike walks in the woods with his leather duster lighting  
a cigarette.

SPIKE  
Half-pint? Where are you love? Time for  
you to go home and... drink your milk,  
say your prayers and do all that  
goodie-goodie tripe.

Liv hides up against the tree. Occasionally we see  
brief shots from her point of few, where Spike  
flicks in and out of reality and becomes the  
stalking creature.

LIV  
(whispering)  
Not real. She's not real.

Spike looks over to where he hears Liv whispering.

SPIKE  
Liv? That you nibblet?  
Liv covers her ears. We don't hear what Spike is saying just the  
scary whisperings we've heard in other scenes.

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

LUCY  
How... how did you know that the drugs-

DAWN  
Didn't work? Because it happened to all  
the slayers. This was about what, oh  
three-four months when she came into her  
powers?

XANDER  
(nods)  
I was in Africa at the time. I had just  
found Lateesha and had no idea what was  
going on. It wasn't until about two  
weeks later that I found out what was  
going on.

LUCY  
All the slayers? But how?

DAWN  
(frowns slightly)  
When the spell was cast to activate the  
potential slayers? There was a... side  
effect we didn't anticipate.  
EXT. THE WOODS

Spike slowly approaches Liv, who still had her  
ears covered and is babbling incoherently.

SPIKE  
Liv?

LIV  
It's not real. Not real.

SPIKE  
(slowly reaching out for Liv)  
What isn't real, half-pint?

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

LUCY  
What do you mean "side effect?"

DAWN  
When the spell activated all the  
slayers, it disturbed the natural order  
of progression for the slayer line. When  
that happened? It caused a whole ripple  
effect of issues.

LUCY  
You mean the spell caused them to go  
insane?

DAWN  
No... it upset the balance of power in  
the demon world and angered many things  
including the source of the slayer's  
power.

LUCY  
The source? What's the source of the  
slayer's power?

XANDER  
A scary mummy girl with a habit of  
causing sucking chest wounds.

Dawn and Lucy shoot a glare at Xander

XANDER  
Hey... It's not the first time we had  
run into that thing.

LUCY  
What thing?

DAWN  
(solemnly)  
The First Slayer.

LUCY  
The what?  
EXT. THE WOODS

Spike reaches out and touches Liv on the wrist.

Suddenly he is turned into the First Slayer who is  
snarling at Liv. Liv screams and throws a punch at  
SLAYER/SPIKE

Spike flies back a few feet on his back.

SPIKE  
Bloody hell.

Before Spike can even react, Liv is racing toward  
him screaming bloody murder.

SPIKE  
Bloody hell!  
INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

LUCY  
So you're telling me that the First  
Slayer drove my daughter insane because  
she was pissed?

DAWN  
Well sort of.

Lucy gives Dawn a withering look.

DAWN  
She was mostly trying to communicate  
with the slayers. Trying to... well  
convey a message.

LUCY  
What message is that? "I'd like to jump  
on you and tear off the flesh on your  
bones"?

XANDER  
Well that's just how it gets your  
attention.

Dawn and Lucy give Xander another withering look.

XANDER  
Well... it's true.  
INT. THE WOODS

Spike is getting the stuffing knocked out of him.  
He tries to defend himself and restrain Liv, but  
her panic is beyond control. She lashes out at him  
driving him back and beating the snot out of him.

SPIKE  
(trying to defend himself)  
Liv! Get a grip on yourself! You're  
seeing things!

LIV  
LEAVE ME ALONE!

Liv backhands Spike and sends him flying into a  
tree. Spike grunts in pain.

SPIKE  
Bloody hell!

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

DAWN  
-We finally managed to get Willow to...  
well jump into the head of Buffy to find  
out what was going on and get the issue  
resolved.

LUCY  
That explains why Liv suddenly went back  
to being normal. Well... normal for her.

XANDER  
That was it? Willow just jumped in and  
chatted with her and poof, everything  
was fine? From what I remember she  
wasn't one for chatting.

DAWN  
(with a guilty look)  
Well we had to promise her one thing.

XANDER  
What was that?

DAWN  
You.

Off Xander's shocked expression we go to...

EXT. THE WOODS

Liv sits on top of Spike beating the crap out of  
him. Tucker, Audrey and Maya run into the  
clearing. Audrey seems very amused.

AUDREY  
Problem Spike?

SPIKE  
Get her off me!

Tucker moves forward, crouches down and touches  
Liv on the shoulder.

TUCKER  
Liv?

Liv back hands Tucker and sends him flying to the  
ground.

TUCKER  
(rubbing the side of his face)  
Okay... that didn't work.

MAYA  
I could have told you that.

SPIKE  
(in between blows)  
Little help here!

MAYA  
(to audrey)  
Can't you cast a spell to put her to  
sleep or something?

AUDREY  
(chagrined)  
I haven't learned that yet.

MAYA  
Can't you do anything?

AUDREY  
Well there's one thing I can do.

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

XANDER  
Me? What are you talking about?

DAWN  
(sighs)  
When Willow was finally able to talk  
with the First Slayer, she told Willow  
that the "True Line" of slayers needed  
to be protected and that the "Guardian"  
needed to be found to make sure this  
line continued.

XANDER  
(frowning)  
Meaning me? But... I was in Africa  
watching over Lateesha how could I  
have...

DAWN  
We didn't know it was you. Or what the  
true line was. It took Giles and Willow  
months to find the Ibonek prophecies and  
translate it. By the time we did find  
out that you were the "Guardian"...

XANDER  
I had left the council. But what about  
the line of slayers before Liv?

DAWN  
(Another embarassed look.)  
Technically? You already were the  
watcher of one of the true line.

XANDER  
(pales)  
Lateesha.

EXT. WOODS

Spike is still getting the stuffing knocked out of  
him.

SPIKE  
Any time now! Really!

MAYA  
(to Audrey)  
Ready?

AUDREY  
Ready.

SPIKE  
Will you just do something already!

Suddenly a jelly doughnut hits Liv in the face,  
causing her to stop briefly. Spike takes advantage  
of the moment and clocks her really good and Liv  
flies back onto the ground unconscious. Tucker and  
Maya run over to make sure she's okay.

TUCKER  
Liv! Are you okay?

SPIKE  
No. Don't mind me. Just hurting like  
hell over her.

AUDREY  
Suck it up, Spike.

MAYA  
We better get her home.

As the group helps and unconscious Liv to her feet, Audrey is smiling to her self.

AUDREY  
Jelly doughnut: One. Slayer: Zero

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

Xander's cell phone chirps and then Maya's voice.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Natasha to Moose. We have the Squirrel  
and we're coming home.

LUCY  
(relieved)  
Oh, thank God.

Xander unfortunately doesn't look that relieved.

XANDER  
It's not over yet.

LUCY  
What do you mean?

DAWN  
We still have to figure out why the  
First Slayer is trying to contact Liv  
and since Willow isn't here...

XANDER  
(frowns)  
It means that Liv is going to have to do  
it herself.

Off the concerned look on Lucy's face we...

END ACT III

ACT IV

EXT. FOREST CLEARING

Liv sits by a burning campfire as Xander arranges  
a series of twigs around him in a circle.

XANDER  
Are you sure you want to do this?

LIV  
If it means a stop to the dream  
maulings, yes.

XANDER  
Right.

Liv sits watching Xander for a moment.

LIV  
Dawn said you've seen her.

Xander looks up from his twig arranging.

XANDER  
Yeah. Couple of times.

LIV  
Did she ever tell you a message?

XANDER  
No. No message as such.

LIV  
Define "as such".

XANDER  
Well... One time she came to me in the  
form of my father, told me that I  
"didn't have the heart" and proceeded to  
rip out said heart with his... uh... her  
bare hand.

Liv grimaces.

LIV  
So... this could end in blood and tears.

XANDER  
I don't think so. That was really  
because the gang and I did something  
that upset the natural balance of things  
and invoked her.

Liv's eyebrows go up on the last statement. Xander  
doesn't notice and finishes arranging the twigs.

XANDER  
All done. You sure you want to do this?

Liv gets up and steels herself.

LIV  
No. (sighs) Let's get it over with.

Xander jumps into the circle of twigs, jumps back  
out and rattles his gourd.

Liv stares at him for a moment or two.

LIV  
And?

XANDER  
That's it.

LIV  
Oh. So I do... what now?

XANDER  
Walk in the woods and search for your  
spirit guide. It will take you to her.

LIV  
Okay.

Liv takes a deep breath and walks into the woods.  
A mist surrounds her and she jumps at the  
occassional odd sound. She hikes to the top of the  
hill and hears a groaning sound. She stops and  
turns to face a bear.

LIV  
Oh lord. I knew this was a bad idea.

The bear looks a Liv and starts to walk off into  
the woods. The bear turns back to look at Liv. Liv  
takes a deep breath and follows the bear through  
the woods.

The bear goes through an opening in a bluff and  
disappears into the mist. Liv follows the bear  
through the bluff and finds herself...

EXT. DESERT - DAY

Liv stands in the middle of a desert plain. She  
looks around for a moment. From behind her the  
cavewoman form of the First slayer crawls into  
view.

LIV  
I've... I've heard of this place.

The slayer prowls around Liv like she was stalking  
her.

LIV  
I know you. You're the first slayer.

The first slayer speaks, but her lips do not move.

SLAYER  
I have no name.

LIV  
Why am I here? Why have you been trying  
to reach me?

SLAYER  
A warning.

Liv frowns.

SLAYER  
Your watcher will betray you.

LIV  
Xander wouldn't do that.

The slayer shakes her head.

SLAYER  
No. You will betray Hah-ris. He will  
then betray his friends and leave you.

LIV  
Xander won't do that. I wouldn't do  
that.

The slayer shakes her head again.

SLAYER  
You must. It is necessary.

LIV  
It's not true! You've got it wrong!

The slayer has almost completely circled around  
Liv.

SLAYER  
Heed the Guardian's words.

The slayer crawls behind Liv's back. Liv turns to  
face her.

LIV  
I don't understand!

But the Slayer has disappeared. In another flash  
of light...

EXT. THE FOREST

Liv stands alone in the forest.

EXT. THE FOREST CLEARING - LATER

Xander sits by a small campfire drinking from a  
thermos. Liv walks up to the fire, hugging  
herself.

XANDER  
Did it work?

Liv nods and looks away.

XANDER  
Okay. You want to talk about it?

Liv shakes her head.

XANDER  
She didn't say anything about "Death"  
being your gift or anything, did she?

Liv shakes her head again. Xander nods.

XANDER  
You'd tell me if it was important,  
right?

Liv looks at Xander, debating whether to tell him  
anything or not. Xander walks over and gives Liv a  
hug. Liv hangs on to him tightly

XANDER  
It's okay. When you're ready, I'll be  
here.

Liv practically chokes when she tries to talk.

LIV  
Can we go home?

XANDER  
Yeah. We can do that.

INT. VILLAIN'S LAIR

Amy kneels on one bended knee in front of Nuggano.  
Her head is bent in a subserviant pose.

NUGGANO  
You have failed me again.

AMY  
I am sorry master.

NUGGANO  
The day of ridding is almost upon us.  
Without the blood of the slayer, I will  
not be able to complete the purging  
ritual.

A tentacle snakes out from under Nuggano's robe  
and encircles around Amy's neck. It slowly begins  
to strangle Amy.

NUGGANO  
I am very disappointed.

AMY  
(choking)  
Master... I know your need for vengeance  
(coughs) but perhaps your desire to  
destroy Harris can be achieved after the  
ceremony.

NUGGANO  
And how can that be achieved without the  
blood of the slayer?

The tentacles begin to tighten more. Amy's voice  
is barely a whisper.

AMY  
We already have it.

Amy motions to Lateesha who steps forward. She  
holds up the bloody axe.

AMY  
From the one called Kennedy.

The tentacles tighten even more, Amy struggles to  
breathe.

Nuggano releases Amy and she falls to the ground  
gasping for breath.

NUGGANO  
Very well. Let it begin.

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	15. Trust, Love and Sacrifice

TEASER

EXT. CEMETERY

The scene opens with Liv flying through the air  
and slamming against a gravestone. She grunts and  
struggles back up, ducking under a spinning kick  
from a vampire and taking a hit from yet another  
vamp.

She rolls with the hit and pops back up,  
brandishing her battle axe, waiting for them to  
charge. Another vampire appears behind her. As the  
vampires in front of her cautiously approached,  
Liv suddenly spins and beheads the vampire  
sneaking up on her. The two vampires attack her at  
once.

Liv ducks down under their attack and rolls past  
the vamps, popping up behind them. As the vampires  
begin to turn around, Liv swings her battle axe  
and beheads them both.

As the vamps turn to dust, Liv collapses on the  
ground holding her side and breathing heavily.

 

SPIKE  
(OS)  
Dragged that out a bit didn't you?

Liv jumps to her feet and into a fighting position  
until she's realizes who it is.

LIV  
Oh. It's you.

SPIKE  
Now is that any way to greet a comrade  
in arms?

LIV  
What are you doing here?

SPIKE  
Lurking. Duh.

LIV  
You couldn't have helped?

SPIKE  
You seemed to have some issues you  
wanted to work out. Why should I  
interfere with that?

LIV  
I don't have issues.

SPIKE  
Then what has Xander been bitching and  
moaning about for the past two weeks.

LIV  
I don't have issues. And since when have  
you paid any attention to Xander?

SPIKE  
That whelp? Never. But he's even been  
complaining to me so I know something  
must be wrong

Liv turns around and decks Spike across the face.

LIV  
There's nothing wrong! I'm fine!

SPIKE  
Whatever you say half-pint. Just  
remember you only get one free punch.

LIV  
Whatever.

SPIKE  
(muttering)  
Don't tell me you don't have issues. I  
know slayers and the one thing I know  
is-

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT

XANDER  
She's got issues.

Dawn is barely paying attention to Xander as she  
concentrates on a dusty book.

DAWN  
Uh-huh.

XANDER  
She's not talking to me or anyone. She's  
just keeping it bottled up.

DAWN  
Yeah. Bottled. Bad

Xander gives Dawn a wary look.

XANDER  
If she doesn't stop selling her body for  
hostess snack cakes, she'll never get to  
be the homecoming queen.

DAWN  
That's certainly a problem.

Xander throws a paper wad at Dawn's head.

DAWN  
What?

XANDER  
You're not listening.

DAWN  
What? It's been the same thing for the  
last two weeks! "Liv won't talk to me!  
Liv won't talk to anyone! I have no  
eyes! Woe!"

XANDER  
I never said "Woe". Or complained about  
not having any eyes.

DAWN  
It was implied. Look, I know you have a  
non-interference policy with Liv at  
times but have you tried to talk to her.

XANDER  
A dozen times in the last couple of  
days. She's shutting me out.

DAWN  
So what's the back up plan?

XANDER  
'Sic her mother on her and have her  
pester her to death.

DAWN  
Always worked on me.

XANDER  
Think it'll work on her?

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

Live sits at the kitchen table lost in thought and  
prodding her breakfast.

LUCY  
Want to talk about it?

Liv looks up with a confused expression on her  
face.

LUCY  
You've been poking that bowl of oatmeal  
with your spoon for 15 minutes.

LIV  
You have nothing better to do than time  
how long I've been eating breakfast?

LUCY  
It's been a slow week.

LIV  
Hmph.

LUCY  
Liv? It's been two weeks since you went  
on that magical hokey pokey trip. Are  
you sure you-

LIV  
No.

LUCY  
-don't want to have a car of your own?  
No? Oh! Too bad.

Liv just glares at her mom.

LUCY  
When did you stop being fun?

Live gets up from the table; grabs her backpack  
and heads for the door.

LIV  
I'm going to be late for school.

LUCY  
(calling out)

Please make sure to be moody at all your teachers  
and friends! I'm sure they'll enjoy it as much as  
I do.

 

END TEASER

ACT I

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S

Liv is unpacking her books into her locker.

MAYA  
(VO)  
So what's your problem?

Liv turns to see Maya standing behind her. Audrey  
joins them.

AUDREY  
Oh please. Freakshow has so many. How  
can she pick just one?

LIV  
(groans)  
Nothing's wrong.

MAYA  
Uh-huh. Right. You've been a wastoid for  
the last two weeks and it's getting to  
be a pain in the ass.

LIV  
Whatever. I'm late for chem.

Maya crosses her arms and steps in front of Liv.

MAYA  
It can wait.

LIV  
Yes. It can.

MAYA  
No it can't.

AUDREY  
(bored)  
You know you kids need to learn how to  
argue because this is boring.

LIV  
Why is this such a-

MAYA  
Because the last time this happened Brad  
was a vampire and you almost got  
yourself killed. Jordy's just got out of  
the hospital. Tucker is being all Mr.  
Mopey. Xander is trying to be nice but  
is freaking out about you not talking to  
him and I actually had to talk with  
Audrey!

AUDREY  
Standing right here.

MAYA  
So the question that is front of the  
committee at the moment is why the hell  
won't you talk about what happened in  
that little vision quest thing you had.

AUDREY  
Well the movie is about a wrestler who  
is trying to cut weight to fight this  
other wrestler and there's this song by  
Madonna-

MAYA  
You know what I mean.

Liv opens her mouth and tries to say something but  
nothing comes out.

MAYA  
(firmly)  
How bad is it?

Liv shakes her head and walks away. Maya watches  
her go looking concerned

Audrey just rolls her eyes.

AUDREY  
Please. How bad could it be?

 

INT. BAD GUYS LAIR

Amy and all the izithunzela are kneeling before  
Nuggano.

NUGGANO  
Have the preparations been made?

AMY  
Yes, master. I have made arrangements  
for the demons to help us in our  
endeavor.

NUGGANO  
And they do this of they're own free  
will?

AMY  
Well. You give them the right job and  
the right incentive? They'll come  
running to you. After tomorrow night?  
The watcher and the slayer won't know  
what hit them.

 

INT. ST. BUFLARI'S - HALLWAY

Liv is leaving a classroom as the school bell  
rings and almost runs into Tucker.

LIV  
Whoa!

TUCKER  
Hey.

LIV  
Hey.

Tucker is looking at Liv with some kind of  
expectation.

LIV  
What?

TUCKER  
Last night?

LIV  
Last night?

TUCKER  
After patrol?

LIV  
(smacking her forehead)  
Last night!

TUCKER  
Yeah.

LIV  
I'm so sorry! I totally flaked.

TUCKER  
Yeah. Well...

LIV  
I'll totally make it up to you.

TUCKER  
Liv?

LIV  
What?

TUCKER  
Talk to me. Something is eating you up  
and you just keep pushing me away.

LIV  
Okay, look. I'm already getting enough  
about this from Maya.

TUCKER  
Okay! Fine. I'll back off. I'm just  
worried about you.

LIV  
Well I can take care of myself!

TUCKER  
Okay!

LIV  
Okay?!

Tucker shakes his head in disgust and walks away.

TUCKER  
Fine!

LIV  
Fine!

 

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

The gang is all in the living room. Maya and Liv  
sit on either end of the couch not talking to each  
other. Audrey is looking bored. Xander seems to be  
on another planet.

XANDER  
(to Liv)  
Where's Tucker? I thought he was going  
to-

LIV  
(glares)  
He's not coming

Dawn clears her throat.

DAWN  
So from what we know is that this  
Nuggano guy is trying to perform a  
ceremony that would make him a pure  
breed demon.

AUDREY  
Haven't we been over this?

DAWN  
(glares at Audrey)  
But so far we haven't had any luck  
trying to figure out what kind of  
ceremony is necessary in order to  
complete the transition.

MAYA  
I thought it just needed a Slayer's  
blood.

DAWN  
Yes, but usually a ceremony like this  
requires multiple components. A certain  
date. A certain sacrifice or offering.  
Eating of bugs.

Liv makes a face.

 

AUDREY  
Can blind guy find anything on his  
freaky vision-o-rama thing?

XANDER  
I have a name.

SPIKE  
Like we care.

XANDER  
(groans)  
Right. It looks like Amy has figured out  
a way to block some of the premonitions  
I usually get either randomly or through  
meditation. So in effect we're working  
blind.

MAYA  
(sarcastic)  
Ba-dump-ching.

AUDREY  
Well what about you Freakshow? You going  
to tell us what spooky girl in rags told  
you or should we just put a target on  
the roof and let the demons bomb us from  
above?

Insert awkward moment here. Liv looks away. Xander  
coughs. Maya rolls her eyes. Dawn sighs in  
frustration. Spike is just bored.

 

AUDREY  
Oh. Forgive me for addressing the giant  
elephant in the room who just took a big  
dump on the carpet. So how do we know  
this thing hasn't done the ceremony  
already?

LIV  
Um. We're still alive?

AUDREY  
Whatever.

DAWN  
Liv's right. We haven't seen anything of  
the mass destruction scale and there  
hasn't been any portents showing that  
the ceremony has been completed.

MAYA  
What kind of portents?

SPIKE  
Oh, the usual stuff. Unscheduled  
eclipse. Skies turn to black. Rain of  
fire, brimstone or-

AUDREY  
God! I'm so sick of the raining of fire  
and brimstone! Why can't it just be  
raining puppies for once?

XANDER  
Anyone here finding the image of puppies  
crashing to their deaths disturbing?

SPIKE  
Not me.

 

AUDREY  
(rolling her eyes)  
Fine. Puppies with parachutes then. Like  
it's going to matter. We don't know what  
the ceremony is supposed to be and what  
they need to do the ceremony so we're-

Xander's hand suddenly shoots to his head.

LIV  
What is it?

Xander sighs and sits back in his chair.

XANDER  
It's a sacrifice.

LIV  
How soon?

XANDER  
Not sure. But I know who they are going  
after.

MAYA  
Who?

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S - GYM

The cheerleaders are doing a routine. The whole  
gang is standing in the gym watching. Liv has a  
look of horror on his face.

CHEERLEADERS  
Be! Aggressive! B-E! Aggressive!

LIV  
Oh dear God. Kill me now.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Xander is channel surfing/meditating as Lucy walks  
in.

LUCY  
How's it going?

XANDER  
I got nothing.

LUCY  
Relax. You'll find something.

XANDER  
Yeah. Not so sure about that.

Xander turns off the TV and tosses the remote on  
the coffee table.

XANDER  
Whatever those guys are doing they are  
blocking my ability to see things more  
and more. Add to the fact that Liv won't  
say boo to me and I think we can just  
stake the claim that I fail at life.

LUCY  
This is just your way to try and get me  
to comfort you isn't it?

Xander gives Lucy a dopey grin.

XANDER  
Partially?

Lucy smiles and snuggles up to him.

LUCY  
Don't worry. Something will break soon.

XANDER  
I'm just hoping it's not our necks.

EXT. ST. BUFALARI - CAMPUS

A gaggle of cheerleaders are squealing and  
talking. Liv is staring at them with a look of  
death.

LIV  
It wouldn't take much. Just a little  
pressure and-

MAYA  
You're not allowed to snap the  
cheerleaders' necks. Yes, they are evil  
but unfortunately they do not feed on  
the living.

LIV  
You're no fun. I just wish we knew how  
to stop this.

MAYA  
Oh! Hey! I have an idea. Tell us what  
happened that night in the woods.

Liv immediately shuts up and looks away.

MAYA  
Oh, here we go again.

LIV  
Look it's just that I...

Maya rolls her eyes and packs her backpack. One of  
the cheerleaders breaks away from the pack to  
answer her cell phone.

MAYA  
Whatever, Worm. Maybe when you realize  
that we're all in this together you'll  
come to your senses.

LIV  
You don't understand!

Maya turns her back on Liv and walks away.

MAYA  
I would if you told me.

Liv looks over at the cheerleaders and sighs.

CHEERLEADERS  
Like! Omigod! Did he?! She did?! OH. MY.  
GOD!

LIV  
This totally sucks.

JORDY  
(OS)  
Cheer duty. It sucks on so many levels.  
It's the Hoover of assignments.

Liv turns and grins to see a partially healed  
Jordy standing next to her. His arm is in a sling.

LIV  
Jordy!

Liv practically tackles him in a hug.

JORDY  
Whoa. Hey now, I just got that arm  
fixed.

LIV  
Sorry. What are you doing up an about?

JORDY  
Oh. I'm totally healed. Last night was a  
full moon so the werewolf healing thing  
kicked in.

LIV  
Gotta love that.

JORDY  
Except for the part if I ever forget to  
drink my potion I'll go on a killing  
spree.

LIV  
Well there's a downside. What's with the  
sling?

JORDY  
Just for show. Going to the hospital  
with a broken arm and showing up a few  
weeks later completely healed tends to  
raise a question or two. Heard you had a  
visit from the mega-slayer.

Liv doesn't say anything.

JORDY  
Also heard you're not talking to anyone  
about it.

LIV  
Xander send you here to talk to me too?

JORDY  
Nope. He's just worried about you. I  
take it you don't want to talk about it?

LIV  
No.

Jordy nods and grabs a seat on the bench next to  
Liv.

JORDY  
Fair enough. Your vision? Your deal.

LIV  
Yeah. Well it's not exactly like that.

JORDY  
True. Did I ever tell you about what  
happened when I bit Maya?

LIV  
Is this some sneaky way to get me to  
spill the beans about what happened?

JORDY  
Well, not any more.

Liv laughs.

JORDY  
See here's the thing? When I started  
losing control? I made it my problem and  
no one else's because I thought it only  
affected me. Right? Even when I bit Maya  
and almost... you know. Still didn't get  
it until everyone did the whole  
confrontation thing.

 

LIV  
Well this is different.

JORDY  
Is it? Have you made the problem go  
away?

LIV  
No.

JORDY  
Can you?

LIV  
I... I don't know.

JORDY  
Then it isn't that different than what I  
was going through. I could have called  
Dan right away when signs started  
showing up. Could have told Xander, but  
I tried to deal with it on my own.  
Luckily I had good friends around to  
stop me before I really hurt someone I  
care about.

Liv says nothing and bites her lip.

JORDY  
Of course this is really none of my  
business but-

LIV  
It's about Xander.

JORDY  
What about him?

LIV  
I-

Liv falters and shakes her head.

JORDY  
Honestly? I'm probably not the guy you  
should be talking to.

LIV  
I know.

JORDY  
(gently)  
So what are you waiting for?

Liv says nothing and looks at the ground.

JORDY  
(gently)  
He's not going to be angry with you.

From behind them we see Tucker slowly start to  
approach Liv and Jordy.

LIV  
I know but what she said was... pretty  
big.

JORDY  
Lived with the guy for over a year.  
Trust me when I say he can handle it.

Liv gives Jordy a small smile and then embraces  
him in a small hug.

JORDY  
Crisis of faith, over?

Liv kisses Jordy gently on the cheek. Tucker sees  
this and stops. He turns and walks away. He bumps  
into a cheerleader walking away from the herd on  
her cell phone.

LIV  
I think so.

JORDY  
Then go talk to him.

LIV  
Now? I can't skip class! It starts in-

JORDY  
Go. I can handle the cheerwenches.

Liv is standing up and getting ready to leave  
though is still unsure about the whole thing.

LIV  
You sure?

JORDY  
It's broad daylight. Nobody attacks  
cheerleaders in broad daylight. Go.

EXT. ST. BUFALARI'S - DUMPSTER AREA

The cheerleader from the previous scene is talking  
on her cell phone and smoking a cigarette.

CHEERLEADER1  
And so then he was like "whatever" and I  
was like "WHATEVER!" and then he started  
going off on how I'm never there for him  
and that's when the entire thing just  
blew up into lameness. I swear there are  
no good guys left in this town  
whatsoever. I just wish someone would  
take me away from this place forev-

A shadow falls across her face interrupting her  
thoughts. She looks up and inhales to scream. A  
clawed hand with red scales covers her mouth and  
drags her off camera.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Xander is busy surfing channels when Liv storms  
into the room.

LIV  
I want you to touch me.

If Xander had eyes they'd pop out of his head at  
this moment.

LIV  
Eww! Not like that! You know like that  
shared vision thingie you have.

XANDER  
Hey! Taken out of context what do you  
expect? And it's not a thingie.

LIV  
What is it?

Dawn makes her entrance at this point.

XANDER  
I don't have a technical term for it but  
I really would prefer some other name  
than thingie.

DAWN  
Okay. Eww. Overshare.

XANDER  
Not that thingie.

DAWN  
Ohhhh. This is the vision thingie.

Xander facepalms.

XANDER  
Yes that.

LIV  
(blurty)  
I want to show you what happened with...  
her. And when I mean her I mean the old  
lady and the creepy slayer girl in the  
bandages.

Dawn and Xander share a look.

XANDER  
What made you change your mind?

LIV  
Because I realized I can't go around  
biting people and hope they don't turn  
into werewolves.

Dawn and Xander share another look. A strange one.  
Then nod.

XANDER  
All right. Let's get this started then.

DAWN  
Aren't you supposed to be guarding the  
cheerleaders right now?

LIV  
Jordy's all over it. Besides it's broad  
daylight? What could happen?

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S

Maya is slamming her locker shut. Hard.

AUDREY  
Aw. Poor pumpkin. Is your little slayer  
friend still being an uber bitch?

MAYA  
Shut up Audrey.

AUDREY  
Ooo. Struck a nerve?

MAYA  
I'll strike something soon enough if you  
don't shut the hell up. You sure your  
plastic surgeon is up for another nose  
job.

AUDREY  
You do and I'll-

MAYA  
What? Throw a Jelly donut at me?

Audrey throws down her backpack. Maya does the  
same.

AUDREY  
Bring it bitch.

MAYA  
Oh I have been waiting to do this for a-

Maya stops and her facial expression changes to  
one of shock.

MAYA  
Oh. Crap.

AUDREY  
Nice try, whore but I'm not falling for  
that look behind me tri-

A green skinned hand grabs Audrey and drags her  
off camera.

 

INT. PYRAMID SHAPED ROOM

Xander, Dawn and Liv are all standing in the  
pyramid shaped room watching Liv's interaction  
with the Old Woman from "End of Days" and from the  
previous chapter "Dream".

XANDER  
This isn't the First Slayer.

LIV  
No. But she was being really fortune  
cookie-ish and I thought you might know  
what she was talking about.

OLD WOMAN  
You shouldn't be running

VISION LIV  
I don't know what you're talking about.

XANDER  
(talking over the scene)  
Why does this room seem familiar?

LIV  
You hang out in Pyramids?

DAWN  
No. Because Buffy has been here. She  
told us about this place, remember?

The environment of the room begins to change to  
one of the forest.

OLD WOMAN  
You're not asking the right questions.

VISION LIV  
How do I stop what's coming?

OLD WOMAN  
By remembering my words.

DAWN  
(Excited and talking over what is  
going on in the scene.)  
Yes! That's it!

XANDER  
What?

OLD WOMAN  
Not my words to you. To the other one.

DAWN  
I have to check back with the council  
but I think I know exactly what we need  
to stop this thing.

XANDER  
All right. Let's get moving to the other  
vision.

LIV  
Why the rush?

XANDER  
Because it's getting dark out. If the  
bad guys are going to make their move?  
It's going to happen then.

EXT. ST. BUFALARI - CAMPUS

The group of cheerleaders are still chatting away  
as Jordy half heartedly watches them and reads a  
text book at the same time.

Suddenly a myriad group of monsters/demons rush  
onto campus and surround the cheerleaders. The  
girls begin to scream as the monsters begin to  
drag them away and students run everywhere.

Jordy jumps up and starts to fight a couple of the  
monsters.

EXT. DESERT - DAY

Xander, Dawn and Liv stand and watch the scene  
between the first slayer and Liv.

FIRST SLAYER  
A warning. Your watcher will betray you.

VISION LIV  
Xander wouldn't do that.

FIRST SLAYER  
(shaking head)  
No. You will betray Hah-ris. He will  
then betray his friends and leave you.

Xander shakes his head and releases his grip on  
Dawn and Liv. The scene immediately switches to:

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

XANDER  
That's enough.

Liv looks at Xander with tears in her eyes.

LIV  
I'm sorry. I just couldn't-

Xander smiles and gives Liv a hug.

XANDER  
Never going to happen, kid.

LIV  
But she said that-

DAWN  
Hey, you know how many times we've  
bucked prediction and prophecies?  
Besides she said this was just a  
warning. Not what is specifically going  
to happen.

XANDER  
It was a warning. She wanted to make  
sure that we stuck together with what is  
coming down the pike. That's all.

Liv? Not so sure about that but nods.

LIV  
Okay. If you say so.

XANDER  
I know it.

DAWN  
I'm going to go call England and  
Cleveland and get started on what we  
saw.

Liv's cell phone rings.

XANDER  
And we better get moving if we-

Liv holds up her hand to stop both of them from  
talking.

LIV  
Jordy? What's wrong.

Dawn and Xander exchange looks. Liv goes pale.

LIV  
Turn on the TV.

Xander grabs the remote and turns on the TV

TV  
(os)  
Authorities have no leads on the most  
recent gang attack on the local school.  
Again: Twelve high school girls  
apparently have been kidnapped by gang  
members wearing elaborate halloween  
costumes.

XANDER  
Damn.

EXT. ST. BUFALARI - CAMPUS

Jordy is nursing a bloody nose while talking on  
the phone. He's holding Maya's backpack.

JORDY  
There were too many of them. They got  
them all.

LIV  
(filtered)  
In broad daylight?

JORDY  
Yeah. Whatever they want these girls  
for? I'm thinking it's bordering on  
desperation. And one more thing...

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Liv listens to the phone and a cold expression  
grows over her face. She clicks the phone shut and  
heads out of the room.

DAWN  
What is it?

Liv is already halfway to the basement.

LIV  
We better move fast.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT

Liv has reached the weapons locker and is already  
stripping off her uniform and reaching for her  
kevlar.

XANDER  
What happened?

LIV  
They got Maya.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. BAD GUYS LAIR

The cheerleaders are all sitting around in a  
locked storage area looking bored. The demons are  
standing around the area keeping guard.

CHEERLEADER1  
How embarrassing. I can't believe we got  
abducted by dorks in costume.

Maya looks at her as if she was too stupid to  
live. She turns to see Audrey glaring at her.

AUDREY  
This is all your fault you know.

MAYA  
Mine?

AUDREY  
You should have told me that we were  
being attacked by monsters.

MAYA  
Oh? Why? What were you going to do?

AUDREY  
I am a witch you know.

MAYA  
Right.

AUDREY  
Hey. I'm getting better.

MAYA  
Right. So what mojo do you have to get  
us out of here.

Audrey just glares at Maya.

MAYA  
Great. We're doomed.

AUDREY  
I'll think of something.

MAYA  
Yeah. Well why you're thinking of that  
maybe you can tell me why this doesn't  
add up.

AUDREY  
What do you mean?

EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING

Xander is shaking his head.

XANDER  
It doesn't makes sense. Why all the  
demons?

JORDY  
The Amway salespeople weren't annoying  
enough?

XANDER  
They have all the izithunzela they need.  
Why have these demons do the work?

JORDY  
Good question. Better one? What's going  
on with you and Liv?

XANDER  
Momentary crisis brought on by a  
possible prophetic warning.

JORDY  
Oh really?

XANDER  
Yeah. We're all good now.

JORDY  
So why am I here with you?

XANDER  
Well we're good but it still feels...  
well you know.

JORDY  
What?

EXT. CEMETERY

Spike and Liv are on patrol, each carrying a  
battle axe.

LIV  
Weird.

SPIKE  
You mean how people never seem to find  
us prowling through a graveyard in the  
middle of the night carrying weapons?  
Yeah that never gets old.

LIV  
No. I mean the cheerleaders. Why them?

SPIKE  
Well in this case probably looking for a  
virgin sacrifice.

LIV  
(rolls eyes)  
Yeah. Maya's told me about them. Trust  
me when I say that most of the girls  
they've taken? They really don't fit the  
bill.

SPIKE  
Um. Maybe they needed just a really  
annoying sacrifice.

Liv just gives Spike a look.

SPIKE  
Okay. I got nothing. All I know is about  
this ritual is what the whelp told me  
and it sounded like they stopped it  
before it could really begin. So  
basically we got nothing to go on.

LIV  
You make it sound like it's his fault  
that he stopped it so we don't know  
what's going to happen.

SPIKE  
Is is that how it sounds? Gosh I'd never  
make any kind of accusations like that.

LIV  
So... you've known Xander for a long  
time, right?

SPIKE  
Oh bullocks. Don't start.

LIV  
What?

SPIKE  
Dawn already told me about your silly  
little freakout session.

LIV  
Oh.

SPIKE  
And it's moronic.

LIV  
What?

SPIKE  
He'd never betray anyone.

Liv gives Spike a look of surprise.

SPIKE  
Whelp doesn't have the backbone for it.

Liv is about to say something when...

TUCKER  
(OS)  
Liv!

LIV  
Tucker?

Tucker comes running up to Spike and Liv, all out  
of breath.

SPIKE  
Oh look. It's the boyfriend. Shall I  
leave you two alone to snog?

TUCKER  
(ignoring Spike)  
I need to talk to you.

LIV  
This isn't the best time.

TUCKER  
It's important.

LIV  
Look a bunch of girls and Maya were  
kidnapped, I don't have time to talk  
about what happened earlier today.

TUCKER  
I know. I heard. Listen-

LIV  
Can it wait?

SPIKE  
Seriously, if you too want to go have  
some fun, I can go over to that  
tombstone over there and pretend not to  
watch.

TUCKER  
Oh. So if I was Jordy would you listen  
to me?

LIV  
What's that supposed to mean?

TUCKER  
Or maybe you'd just like to kiss him  
again?

Spike yawns.

SPIKE  
You know this is almost interesting but  
we do have a bunch of girls kidnapped by  
demons to take care of.

TUCKER  
I know.

SPIKE  
Then if you don't mind keeping the  
lover's spat on hold-

TUCKER  
I know where they are. I saw Maya and  
Audrey get nabbed at school.Â I followed  
them.

SPIKE  
Could have told us that sooner.

LIV  
Tucker, I'm sorry. I just...

Tucker and Liv look at each other sadly.

TUCKER  
Yeah. I know.

Tucker turns and starts to walk away.

TUCKER  
They're at the old warehouse by the  
pier. I'll see you guys later.

Liv watches Tucker go and shakes her head.

SPIKE  
Well. Wasn't that uplifting.

LIV  
Shut up, Spike.

Liv pulls out her phone.

LIV  
Squirrel to Moose and Boris. They're at  
the old warehouse by the pier. We'll  
meet you there in ten.

SPIKE  
You know this is a trap right?

LIV  
It's always a trap.

INT. BAD GUYS LAIR

Multiple demons stand around the lair drinking  
coffee, smoking cigarettes and watching the  
cheerleaders.

DEMON 1  
Easiest job I ever had.

DEMON 2  
Only if we get paid. Where is she? She  
was supposed to be here by now.

AMY  
(OS)  
Sorry I'm late...

The demons turn to see Amy flanked by half a dozen izithunzela.  
She pauses for a second as though thinking.

AMY  
Gentlemen? Is that what I call you?

DEMON 1  
How about you just pay us and we'll call  
it done.

AMY  
Very well. If I'm right my payment is  
about to arrive right now.

Window panes break as smoke grenades fly into the  
warehouse.

DEMON 2  
What the hell's going on?

The door kicks open andÂ Liv, Jordy (in partial  
werewolf mode) and Xander break through the door.

LIV  
Normally I'd say something quippy here  
but how about we just skip that part and  
you just release the girls.

JORDY  
Who are you fooling? You never say  
anything quippy.

XANDER  
Guys? Not the time for the quip.

LIV  
Sure. Coming from Quippy McQuipperson.

Amy gives a short whistle to get their attention.

AMY  
Excuse me? But I believe the phrase I'm  
looking for is over your dead bodies.

JORDY  
See? Now that was quippy.

Amy looks at the demons. The demons look back.

DEMON 2  
You didn't pay us to fight the slayer.

AMY  
Of for the love of... There are twelve  
of you! It's only three of them.

And suddenly there's a knife at Amy's throat.

SPIKE  
Four. Actually.

AMY  
Oh God. Not you again.

SPIKE  
Let the annoying gits go and I'll think  
about letting you live.

AMY  
(sighs)  
Fine.

Amy nods at the demon.

AMY  
Let them go.

The demon gives her a weird look then shrugs and  
opens the door.

Xander, Liv and Jordy exchange weird looks as  
well. The cheerleaders exit loudly complaining  
about... well everything.

AMY  
There. They're all free. Happy?

SPIKE  
Um. yes. Thank you.

Amy looks over at the demons and nods towards the  
door.

AMY  
Come along boys. I believe I owe you  
something.

Amy turns to leave. The demons shrug and walk  
after her with the izithunzela trailing behind  
them.

Maya rushes over and hugs Liv.

LIV  
Maya! I'm so...

MAYA  
Hey. It's cool. I should've known you'd  
come after me.

JORDY  
Hey. I helped too.

Maya smiles and snakes her arms around Jordy's  
neck.

MAYA  
Yes. You were very dashing.

She gives him a passionate kiss and Liv finds  
herself watching them somewhat wistfully.

XANDER  
Hey kids?Â As much as I'd like to hang  
out in creepy warehouses? Let's get the  
girls and ourselves out of here before  
the bads change their minds.

As the kids clear out Spike approaches Xander

SPIKE  
Does something about this strike you as  
odd?

XANDER  
Yeah. I know. I'm not quite sure what  
the hell this was all about.

INT. BAD GUYS LAIR - BASEMENT

Amy leads the demons into the basement with a  
small smirk on her face.

DEMON 1  
I don't get it. You contracted all of us  
together to sacrifice all those  
cheerleaders.

AMY  
Well that's partially true. I was going  
to take out the cheerleaders, but they  
weren't the sacrifice.

DEMON 2  
Then what exactly are we doing here  
then?

Amy just smiles. From behind her comes the hulking  
form of Nuggano.

AMY  
Not all sacrificial offerings have to be  
human.

The demons' eyes all widen as they turn towards  
the basement entrance only to find it being  
guarded by the izithunzela who push them

AMY  
Come on boys. Time for you to get paid.

And as the demons begin to fight we...

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIV'S BEDROOM

Liv is in her pajamas looking out the window. The  
gentle sound of rain can be heard. Xander appears  
at the doorway and knocks on the door frame.

XANDER  
Hey.

Liv turns and gives Xander a small smile

LIV  
Hey.

XANDER  
Feeling better?

LIV  
No. Not really.

Xander nods and slowly walks into the bedroom, his  
hands in his pockets.

XANDER  
Maya told me that you and Tucker...

LIV  
Yeah.

XANDER  
I'm sorry.

LIV  
We'll work it out. It was just and  
argument.

XANDER  
He's a smart guy and you just had a bad  
day, yesterday. He'll come around.

Liv isn't too sure about that but allows Xander a half-hearted  
smile.

LIV  
But that's not all that's bothering me.

XANDER  
Oh?

LIV  
Um. About the whole vision-y thing.

XANDER  
(shrugs)  
What about it?

LIV  
I know that was probably hard for you to  
see but I didn't know what to do and-

XANDER  
Hey. Hey. Hey.

Liv stops and Xander breaks into a big grin.

XANDER  
I trust you.

Liv returns the smile.

LIV  
I trust you.

XANDER  
Then that's all that matters.

Xander motions for Liv to follow him.

XANDER  
Come on. I have a present for you.

INT. FONTAINE KITCHEN

Xander and Liv enter the kitchen. Liv is quite  
giddy. Dawn and Lucy are sitting at the kitchen  
table.

LIV  
Is it dictionary?

XANDER  
No.

LIV  
Is it a thesaurus?

XANDER  
Um. No.

LIV  
Ooo! Ooo! A complete set of the  
Encyclopedia Britannica?

XANDER  
(laughs)  
No.

LUCY  
(proudly)  
My daughter. The geek.

LIV  
And proud of it, thank you!

She turns and looks at Xander.

LIV  
Where's my prezzie?

Xander nods at Dawn. Dawn smiles and pulls out  
something from behind her and lays it on the  
table.

DAWN  
Here you go kid.

Liv is astonished.

LIV  
Whoa momma!

Liv lifts the item up. It's The Scythe used by  
Buffy in the final episodes of season seven.

DAWN  
The old lady in the chamber? She was  
talking about this. It was forged a long  
time ago and was used to drive out the  
last true demon from our world. Break it  
and Buffy will kill me.

XANDER  
Might come in handy when dealing with  
Mr. Ugly.

LUCY  
And if we ever need to find something  
that impales as well as cut cheese we  
just need to go to the weapons locker.

XANDER  
However with us being to stop the whole  
ceremony thing yesterday, we hopefully  
won't have to use it.

SPIKE  
(os)  
Might use it sooner than you think.

XANDER  
(Sighs)  
Geez, Spike. I thought Angel was  
supposed to be the wet blanket.

The whole group turns towards Spike. Liv lets off  
a gasp. Lucy and Dawn react in horror. Xander  
looks confused.

XANDER  
What? What is it?

LIV  
What happened to you?!

SPIKE  
(OS)  
Nothing. Just took a walk in the rain.

XANDER  
What?

We pull back to take a look at Spike who is  
drenched in blood.

SPIKE  
Whatever we did yesterday? It wasn't  
what we were supposed to stop.

DAWN  
Is that- ?

SPIKE  
Blood.

Everyone turns and looks at the window. Small  
droplets of blood are spattering against the  
glass.

And with a lightning strike and a peal of thunder  
we cut to:

EXT. A FIELD

Nuggano stands in the field surrounded by lit  
torches and the Izithunzela. Its tentacles are  
reaching for the sky as it begins to shift and grow.  
Around him are the scattered lifeless bodies of  
the demons that were captured.

END ACT IV


	16. The War at Home

TEASER

INT. AUDREY'S BEDROOM

Audrey is fast asleep in her bed, despite the  
thunder and lightning going on in the sky.

VOICE  
(softly)  
Wake up.

Audrey rolls over and covers her head with a  
pillow.

VOICE  
(loudly)  
WAKE UP!

Audrey tosses the pillow aside and sits up in...

INT. IGQHIRA'S HUT

Audrey sits up from her spot on the floor and  
glares at the Igqhira.

AUDREY  
I was having a dream about Tom Cruise.

IGQHIRA  
No time for crazy people. It's happening  
tonight.

AUDREY  
I don't care if he's crazy. He's  
handsome and-

IGQHIRA  
Did you not hear me? It's happening  
tonight.

AUDREY  
What's happening tonight?

IGQHIRA  
The purging. Your friends were unable to  
stop the sacrifice and-

AUDREY  
What are you talking about? Me and my  
real friends were the sacrifice and-

IGQHIRA  
No. You weren't the sacrifice. The  
demons were.

AUDREY  
Well that means...

Audrey begins to freak and Igqhira lets off a long  
sigh.

IGQHIRA  
Yes. It is time for you to do what you  
were prophecied to do all those years  
ago.

AUDREY  
But! But! I'm not ready.

IGQHIRA  
No. You're not.

AUDREY  
I'm going to die!

IGQHIRA  
Most likely.

AUDREY  
This totally sucks!

IGQHIRA  
You must accept your fate.

AUDREY  
No way! Uh-uh. I'm not doing nothing!

IGQHIRA  
(angry)  
You cannot turn your back on the world  
because of your petty fears.

AUDREY  
Dude! I'm like, going to die! I'm not  
ready for this.

The Igqhira glares at Audrey.

IGQHIRA  
Fine. If you will not accept your  
destiny, then I have no choice but to do  
it for you.

AUDREY  
(relieved)  
Fine by me.

The Igqhira grabs Audrey by the temples.

AUDREY  
What are you doing?

IGQHIRA  
Don't worry. This is only going to hurt.  
A lot.

Energy crackles from Igqhira's hands and into  
Audrey's head as she begins to scream.

 

END TEASER

ACT I

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN WINDOW

Lucy is "looking" out the window with is spattered  
with blood. Behind him we see and hear a flurry of  
activity.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE

Lucy turns to look at everything that is going on  
around her. Dawn is shouting into the phone with  
one finger in her other ear.

DAWN  
Blood! Blood! No! Why would I be calling  
if it was raining spuds?

There's a slight pause as Dawn listens to the  
other line. She rolls her eyes.

DAWN  
Okay. I can see how that would merit a  
phone call.

Liv races in half in camouflage and kevlar and  
half in PJ's.

LUCY  
I can't find my top! Where's my top?!

Xander rushes in and hangs up the phone.

XANDER  
I called Jordy, Maya and Audrey. Spike's  
out doing a sweep of the graveyard.

Xander looks at Liv.

XANDER  
Where's your top?

LIV  
I can't find it!

LUCY  
(quietly)  
It's hanging up in the basement.

LIV  
Basement!

XANDER  
GO!

DAWN  
(frustrated)  
Yeah! I think looking up "Rain of Blood"  
in the library might be a good start.

XANDER  
Andrew?

DAWN  
Andrew.

XANDER  
Did you-?

DAWN  
Yes.

XANDER  
And the-?

DAWN  
Yes.

XANDER  
What about the thing?

DAWN  
What thing?

XANDER  
I was just seeing if you were just  
saying yes to all my questions.

DAWN  
Not the time to try my patience Xander.  
Andrew? Just give Giles my message and  
I'll call back in five minutes.

Dawn hangs up the phone and grabs her coat.

XANDER  
Right. So you'll do the-

DAWN  
Yes.

XANDER  
And we'll do the-

Dawn nods and heads to the door.

DAWN  
Right. I'll keep in contact.

XANDER  
Right. LIV!

Liv rushes in as she's pulling on her kevlar.

LIV  
Here! I'm here.

Xander grabs the scythe and tosses it to Liv who  
catches it in mid air.

XANDER  
Take the west side. See what you can  
find. Check in every fifteen minutes.

LIV  
Right.

Lucy watches the whole exchange quietly. Suddenly  
she finds herself engulfed in a hug. Lucy suddenly  
has a bright smile on her face and is giving Liv a  
fierce hug.

LUCY  
Promise me you'll be careful?

LIV  
You bet!

LUCY  
I love ya Tiger.

LIV  
Right back at ya!

Liv gives her mom a quick peck on the cheek and  
heads out the door.

LIV  
I'll check in once I get to the quarry!

Lucy watches Liv go and the smile slowly fades.  
Xander comes over and they share a long quiet  
embrace. He kisses her gently on the forehead. She  
tilts her head up and they share a long kiss.

LUCY  
(softly)  
Bring her home.

XANDER  
I will.

Xander quietly leaves out the back. Lucy turns and  
walks into...

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

She stands there a moment and looks around the  
room. The TV is on and we can hear an announcer  
talking.

TV  
Greetings, my friend. We are all  
interested in the future, for that is  
where you and I are going to spend the  
rest of our lives. And remember my  
friend, future events such as these will  
affect you in the future. You are  
interested in the unknown, the  
mysterious, the unexplainable.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - OLIVIA'S ROOM

The room is a mess of books and slayer gear. Lucy  
pokes her head through the room and looks at the  
mess with a blank look on her face.

TV  
(VO)  
And now, for the first time, we are  
bringing to you the full story of what  
happened on that fateful day.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM

Lucy walks around the room and stops in front of  
two pictures in a frame. She picks up the first  
one which is of Xander, Buffy and Willow. She  
picks up the other one which she stares at for a  
long time. It's a picture of Xander and Lateesha.

TV  
(VO)  
We are giving you all the evidence, based  
only on the secret testimonies of the  
miserable souls who survived this  
terrifying ordeal.

INT. BASEMENT

Lucy walks down the steps and sits on the final  
step. She looks around the room at all the  
equipment and slowly goes back upstairs again.

TV  
(VO)  
The incidents, the places, my friend we  
cannot keep this a secret any longer.  
Let us punish the guilty, let us reward  
the innocent.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy walks back into the living room and stares at  
the window and lets out a long ragged sigh. From  
behind her a TV is blaring.

TV  
My friend, can your heart stand the  
shocking facts about grave robbers from  
outer space?

END ACT I

ACT II

 

INT. DEMONS BAR

Whistler is having a drink at his regular booth  
when someone in the background steps up beside  
him.

WHISTLER  
Some weather we're having.

XANDER  
Where's it going down?

WHISTLER  
What? No chit-chat?

XANDER  
(deadpan)  
Hey. It's raining blood. When was the  
last time that happened?

WHISTLER  
I believe someone named Moses was  
hanging around. Or was that only the  
river?

XANDER  
(deadpan)  
Ha. Where's it going down?

WHISTLER  
I don't know.

XANDER  
Seriously.

WHISTLER  
Seriously, I don't know. What? You think  
you're the only one who's being jammed  
here?

XANDER  
I thought you knew everything.

WHISTLER  
I thought you saw everything.

XANDER  
Any ideas?

WHISTLER  
No ideas but I have a hunch. Guys around  
here have been talking about a big thing  
going down behind the old church on the  
outskirts of town.

XANDER  
A demonic ceremony on consecrated  
ground?

WHISTLER  
Not that kind of church. Hey can we get  
the game on?

XANDER  
Big apocalyp-ty things are afoot and  
you're watching hockey?

WHISTLER  
What else am I going to do?

XANDER  
I'd like to think we're better at doing  
something than just watching TV.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy sits on the couch watching TV with only part  
of her attention-span going.

TV  
(VO)  
At Schrodinger's funeral home, your  
loved one will receive-

LUCY  
(clicking the remote)  
I don't think so.

TV  
(VO)  
Calgon! Take me away!

LUCY  
(Clicking the remote)  
I wish.

TV  
(VO)  
Next time on Wendy the Werewolf Stalker!  
Seraph and Wendy's relationship brings  
them close to the razor's edge.

TV  
(Male voice)  
This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss  
you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep  
and live happily ever after.

TV  
(Female voice)  
No. When you kiss me I wanna die.

LUCY  
(clicking the remote)  
Who writes that crap?

EXT. TRAHERNE MANSION

Liv is standing outside the mansion looking at it  
wistfully. Tucker approaches her from behind.

TUCKER  
Hey.

LIV  
(turning)  
Hey.

Long Pause.

TUCKER  
So. Glad to see we're over that awkward  
phase.

LIV  
Yeah.

TUCKER  
World about to end?

LIV  
Maybe.

TUCKER  
So what are you doing here?

Liv leans over and gives him a long slow kiss.

TUCKER  
Oh.

LIV  
I'm sorry.

TUCKER  
For what?

LIV  
Everything.

Tucker frowns slightly.

LIV  
What?

TUCKER  
(hesitating)  
What's going on with us?

LIV  
I don't know. I know I haven't been the  
best girlfriend in the world but... Our  
lives aren't exactly normal.

TUCKER  
I'm not talking about that.

LIV  
Huh?

TUCKER  
Look... I tried talking to you for a  
week about what was bothering you.

LIV  
I know.

TUCKER  
And then Jordy comes around and 20  
seconds later you're spilling your guts  
to him.

LIV  
It wasn't like that.

Tucker frowns.

TUCKER  
Then how come you can talk to him and  
not to me?

LIV  
(swallows hard)  
I don't know. But for tonight? Can we  
just forget about that?

Tucker gives her a small smile and a hug.

TUCKER  
Yeah.

The couple stands on the front lawn holding onto  
each other but the looks on their faces are  
anything but happy.

 

 

INT. MAYA'S HOUSE

Jordy is going through a weapons locker. Maya is  
standing behind him.

JORDY  
I could have sworn that I left it here.

MAYA  
We're sure this is the big event?

Jordy turns and gives Maya a small smile.

JORDY  
Well the blood raining down? Kind of  
cements the deal.

He turns back and starts going through the locker  
again.

JORDY  
Honestly? I just want to get through  
this so I can hear the weatherman  
explain this tomorrow.

MAYA  
(OS)  
Jordy?

Jordy turns again to look and we see Maya. Naked.  
Or at least as much as you can show on TV and get  
away with it.

JORDY  
Um.

Maya slowly approaches Jordy and then leans up to  
kiss him.

JORDY  
Um. Are you sure-

Maya gently puts her index finger against his  
lips.

 

MAYA  
(Softly)  
Jordy?

JORDY  
Yes?

MAYA  
I love you.

Jordy gives her a small smile.

 

JORDY  
I love you too.

MAYA  
I'm naked.

JORDY  
I've noticed.

MAYA  
Shut up and take off your pants.

JORDY  
Okay.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

The TV is playing music along the lines of  
"Chicka-bah-nah".

LUCY  
(Watching but trying not to watch)  
Oh. Oh! Ooooooh! No! No! No!

She clicks the remote

TV  
(VO)  
At Schrodinger's funeral home-

LUCY  
(clicking the remote)  
No.

TV  
(VO - Cop Show)  
Here's the story. Bad guy shows up and  
makes some demands. Shop owner tries to  
stand up for himself and gets shot in  
the head. And that's just the beginning  
of the body count.

LUCY  
Why do all shows have a body count?

EXT. OLD CHURCHYARD

The bodies of the demons are spread around in an  
intricate pattern. Xander is wincing at the smell.  
Spike is looking bored.

SPIKE  
Well looks like these lads won't be  
causing us any problems.

XANDER  
Unless someone decides to investigate  
what this incredible stench is.

SPIKE  
I don't know about you Harris but I'm  
not seeing anything that would tell us  
where the final big shindig is going  
down.

XANDER  
Yeah. Unfortunately I'm not picking up  
anything.

AUDREY  
(OS - Strange voice)  
That is because you are not looking  
watcher!

Xander and Spike turn to see Audrey dressed...  
well like someone took a bed sheet and tried to  
turn it into a traditional African outfit.

AUDREY  
And now it is too late.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy is clicking through the television again.

TV  
(vo)  
You are about to enter another  
dimension, a dimension not only of sight and  
sound but of mind. A journey into a  
wondrous land of imagination. Next stop,  
the Twilight Zone!

 

EXT. OLD CHURCHYARD

Spike and Xander are staring at Audrey as though  
she's gone nuts.

SPIKE  
Well she picked a fine time to flip.

XANDER  
I don't think so Spike.

AUDREY  
(voice weird)  
As usual Harris, you have ignored my  
warnings.

XANDER  
Iggy? Is that you?

AUDREY  
(exasperated sigh)  
How many times have I asked you not to  
call me that?

Spike looks back and forth at them very confused.

SPIKE  
What's an Iggy and why is it in Audrey?

XANDER  
Long story.

IGQHIRA  
I was an African shaman when Xander was  
in Nigeria. I have taken over Audrey's  
body so she won't accidentally destroy  
the world.

XANDER  
That's the short version. Where's  
Audrey?

IGQHIRA  
She's here. Inside. Currently having  
what I believe you people call a hissy  
fit. Now if we're done talking about the  
obvious I believe we have a situation to  
take care of.

 

SPIKE  
Huh. Well if you're so sure we're  
missing the obvious, what don't you just  
tell us where the big bad's hanging out  
so we can pull our bacon out of the  
fire?

IGQHIRA  
(sniffs disdainfully)  
Well vampire, where would you go to tap  
into the darkest energy the planet has  
ever known?

Xander and Spike look at each other and then just  
shake their heads. Xander pulls out his cell and  
activates the call button.

XANDER  
Moose to Boris and Squirrel. Meet me at  
the hellmouth. It's going down there.

INT. MAYA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM

Maya and Jordy are in bed together looking at  
their cell phones.

MAYA  
I guess we can't pretend that call  
didn't come through?

JORDY  
I don't think so.

Maya snuggles up to Jordy.

MAYA  
Thank you.

Jordy kisses her gently on the top of her head.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

More Chica-Bah-Nah music.

LUCY  
(clicking remote)  
Oh dear God.

Dramatic music stinger is heard as there are  
sounds of a martial arts fist fight.

TV  
(VO)  
You thought you could fight me? I killed  
your father and your master. Your kung  
fu is no match for mine.

SPIKE  
(VO)  
We're doomed.

EXT. HELLMOUTH ENTRANCE

Xander, Spike, Ighira/Audrey and Liv are looking  
on at the entrance to the cave.

XANDER  
Aren't we a ray of sunshine?

AUDREY  
No. The demon is correct. We are doomed.

XANDER  
Do I need to sing a song about an ant  
and a rubber tree?

AUDREY  
You think a song will destroy the forces  
of evil?

LIV  
So... you're not Audrey.

AUDREY  
She is still here. I have merely taken  
over.

LIV  
Weirdest night ever.

Jordy and Maya arrive holding hands. Spike gives  
them an odd look.

JORDY  
Sorry we're late.

MAYA  
We got held up.

Spike snorts.

MAYA  
What's your problem?

AUDREY  
He is snorting in derision at your lame  
attempt to cover up your fornication.

Liv looks over at Maya with a look of surprise.  
Maya facepalms. Jordy is looking at Ighira/Audrey  
with a strange expression on his face.

JORDY  
You're not Audrey. Are you?

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
No. Iggy? This is Jordy and Maya. Guys?  
Iggy is a shaman from Africa currently  
having squatter's rights in Audrey's  
body.

JORDY  
Oh. Nice to meet you.

SPIKE  
Excuse me? I was wondering if we can  
skip the pleasantries and just skip  
ahead to the part where we fight off the  
big bad?

AUDREY  
Be careful for what you wish for,  
Vampire.

Audrey begins to head into the cave

SPIKE  
What I wish is that you weren't such a  
ponce.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy sits in front of the TV looking tense.

TV  
(VO)  
Once more unto the breach, dear friends,  
once more, Or close the wall up with our  
English dead! In peace there's nothing  
so becomes a man As modest stillness and  
humility; But when the blast of war  
blows in our ears, Then imitate the  
action of the tiger: Stiffen the sinews,  
summon up the blood.

LUCY  
Great. Blood.

INT. HELLMOUTH CAVERN

The heroes stand at the entrance, all (except  
Iggy/Audrey) with a stunned expression on their  
faces.

AMY  
(OS)  
What's the matter heroes? Cat got your  
tongue?

The camera spins around to show Nuggano 30 feet  
tall in the middle of the cavern. He's surrounded  
by the izithunzela with Amy and Lateesha at the  
front of the group.

XANDER  
(to Iggy/Audrey)  
I don't suppose you can still put that  
genie back in the bottle?

AUDREY  
It's too late for that now.

MAYA  
So what do we do?

Liv pulls out the scythe from her pack and looks  
at Xander with a grim expression. He nods.

XANDER  
Let's go to work.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy stares blankly at the TV as the sounds of a  
martial arts movie are heard.

TV  
(VO - Male 1)  
You have offended my family and you have  
offended the Shaolin Temple.

TV  
(VO - Male 2)  
History belongs to the winner and I will  
win. You Will share the same coffin as  
your father.

The sounds of several punches and kicks being  
thrown are heard.

TV  
(VO - Male 1)  
The coffin is for you. You killed my  
father!

TV  
(VO - Male 2)  
He had to die somehow. At least it was  
for a reason.

INT. HELLMOUTH CAVERN

The battle is ongoing. Spike and Maya are  
protecting Iggy/Audrey as he/she is working on a  
spell. Jordy, Liv and Xander are on the front line  
and holding their own against the ongoing throng  
of izithunzela pushes forward.

XANDER  
Iggy? Whatever you have up your sleeve?  
Now would be a good time for it!

Suddenly something whacks Xander in the head and  
he goes down. He looks up to see Lateesha standing  
in front of him weilding the battle axe that  
killed Kennedy. She brings it down only to have it  
deflected at the last moment by the scythe.

Liv stands there giving Lateesha a fierce look.

LIV  
That's it Bitch.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy is staring at the clock. And then the phone

TV  
(VO)  
Good heavens. Are you still trying to  
win? You've got an overdeveloped sense  
of vengeance. It's going to get you into  
trouble some day.

TV  
(VO Different Voice)  
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You  
killed my father. Prepare to die.

TV  
(VO)  
Stop saying that!

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

The battle is going poorly. Xander is weakly  
trying to fight off the zombies but is losing  
ground with Jordy who is also taking a beating.  
Liv and Lateesha are a blur but Lateesha is slowly  
getting the upper hand.

Spike bashes back a izithunzela only to get tackled  
by another one. Maya pulls it off him and shoves  
it into another izithunzela

SPIKE  
(to Iggy/Audrey)  
Hurry up you git!

AUDREY  
This cannot be rushed.

MAYA  
Tell that to the undead horde. Maybe  
they'll slow down.

Xander takes a misstep and is knocked down by a  
izithunzela. LIV sees him fall and she turns toward  
him.

LIV  
(screaming)  
Xander!

Lateesha takes the opening and begins to beat Liv  
to a pulp. She beats her back and to the ground.  
Liv lays on the ground and spits up some blood.  
Lateesha raises her battle axe into the air and is  
about to bring it down when she is suddenly  
tackled by several bodies.

LIV  
What the-?

A hand reaches down and lifts Liv to feet. It's  
Chao-Ahn.

CHAO-AHN  
Cavalry here! Hi-yo God damn Silver!

Liv looks over to the entrance to the cavern where  
Dawn is standing with what appears a small army of  
slayers.

DAWN  
C'mon ladies. Let's show these guys how  
we handle things on the Hellmouth.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Sounds of a battle are coming from the TV, with  
explosions, gunfire, etc.

TV & LUCY  
Rommel, you magnificent bastard! I read  
your book!

INT. HELLMOUTH CAVERN

The battle is now turning against the izithunzela as  
the army of slayers charge in. Dawn rushes over to  
Xander and helps him up.

DAWN  
(to slayers)  
Watch your flank!

XANDER  
About time you got here!

DAWN  
You know how much mojo it takes to  
teleport a squad of teenage girls? Not  
to mention trying to corral all the  
teenage girls in order to-

From over by Iggy/Audrey there is a blinding  
flash.

SPIKE  
Blood hell!

DAWN  
What was that?

Iggy/Audrey sits up with a grim look on his/her  
face.

AUDREY  
Turnabout.

Amy stumbles and looks up.

AMY  
No!

The Slayers suddenly are giving expressions of WTF  
as well as the izithunzela stop fighting and turn  
around and begin walking toward Amy and Nuggano  
and begin to attack. Nuggano starts flinging the  
izithunzela around and Amy takes one look at them  
and disappears in a flash of light.

 

XANDER  
Slayers! Flank him! Flank him!

DAWN  
Is it enough?

Iggy/Audrey is now standing next to them.

AUDREY  
No.

Suddenly Iggy/Audrey grabs Dawn's arm slashes the  
palm of her hand with a knife.

DAWN  
OW! What the hell?!

AUDREY  
Now, we have a chance.

IGGY/AUDREY begins to chant. The blood from the  
knife arcs out in an energy band and a dimensional  
rift forms behind Nuggano,

XANDER  
Where does it lead to?

AUDREY  
Someplace not here. We need to get him  
pushed through and keep him there until  
we can close the rift.

Xander watches as the Slayers and the izithunzela  
fight against Nuggano who is being pushed through  
the portal.

XANDER  
(softly)Someone has to stay there.

Liv hears this and moves into action. Xander turns  
to look at her.

XANDER  
Liv! No!

Liv is moving too fast and is brandishing the  
scythe. She plows through the izithunzela and the  
slayers and begins to hammer Nuggano with the  
scythe. Nuggano begins to scream and retreat into  
the rift with Liv following him.

Xander and the crew try to run after her.  
Iggy/Audrey throws up an arm and suddenly they are  
all stopped in their tracks.

MAYA  
What are you doing?

AUDREY  
It's the only way. She's the only one  
who can do it.

Liv attacks Nuggano with the scythe and forces him  
back into the rift.

XANDER  
Liv!

Audrey begins to chant again.

XANDER  
NO! LIV! GET BACK!

Liv turns to look back and just gives Xander a  
look. She's then knocked over by a flying  
tentacle. She hits the ground hard, dropping the  
scythe. She scrambles for the scythe only to have  
her legs caught by another tentacle. She grabs  
onto the ground to slow herself being pulled away,  
the scythe being more and more out of reach. Liv  
strains and is just about to touch the scythe with  
her finger tips-

When another hand grabs the Scythe.

LATEESHA looks down at Liv and raises the scythe  
above her head. Liv winces until she hears a  
chopping sound and a roar of pain. She opens her  
eyes to see the tentacle shorn. She looks up at  
Lateesha who grabs her and pulls her to her feet.

LATEESHA  
(slurred)Take. Care. Of. Him.

 

And with that she shoves Liv through the rift.

She lands hard on the other side as the rift  
begins to close.

Xander stands frozen as he watches his old slayer  
beat back Nuggano from the rift. At the last  
possible second Lateesha turns and throws the  
scythe through the portal which Liv catches. At  
tentacle reaches through the rift trying to grasp  
one more chance at freedom.

When the the rift closes the tentacle falls to the  
ground. Dead.

The remaining izithunzela fall to the ground inert.

Xander slowly walks forward to where Liv is  
standing and embraces her. Everyone in the group  
sighs in relief.

XANDER  
It's over.

A small cheer erupts from everyone.

AUDREY  
No.

The cheer quickly dies.

AUDREY  
No. It's not.

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Lucy sits watching TV

TV (VO)  
The food saver 5000 uses the power of a  
commericial quality vacuum to seal in  
freshness!

Lucy hears a noise from the hall.

LUCY  
Liv! Xander!

She rushes to the hallway to find-

AMY  
Not quite.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Xander bursts into the living room looking  
panicked. Liv, Maya and Jordy aren't far behind  
him. The TV is still on.

LIV  
Mom! Mooooom!

TV  
(VO)  
And we continue now with our Plan 9 from  
outer space marathon.

XANDER  
Lucy!

AMY  
(os)  
Aww. How sweet.

The group turns to see Amy holding Lucy hostage at  
knife point.

AMY  
Too bad you're a few steps behind.

LIV  
Let her go!

AMY  
Umm. No.

LUCY  
It's okay, honey.

AMY  
You know what? It really isn't

XANDER  
Let her go Amy. It's over.

AMY  
Oh is this the part where I'm supposed  
to flail and say something cheesy about  
a fat lady?

XANDER  
You hurt her and-

Amy looks down briefly at the ground.

AMY  
Forget it Harris.

Amy lifts her head up and we see that her eyes  
have gone completely black.

AMY  
It's all over.

Amy shouts out something in a foreign language and  
Lucy's eyes roll up into her head.

LIV  
Mom!

Everything seems to go into slow motion.

TV  
All of us on this earth know that there  
is a time to live-

Xander and Jordy rush forward. Liv stares in  
shock.

TV  
-and that there is a time to die.

Lucy falls to the ground. Amy turns to run.

TV  
Yet death is always a shock to those  
left behind.

Maya rushes forward to check on Lucy. Xander and  
Jordy slam Amy into the wall.

TV  
It is even more of a shock when death,  
the proud brother, comes suddenly  
without warning.

Liv stares and looks at her mom lying on the floor  
as Maya tries to check for a pulse. Lucy isn't  
moving.

LIV  
Mom?

CUT TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	17. Ends and Means

TEASER

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - NIGHT

A paramedic crew pulls into the driveway at highspeed. Two paramedics jump out of the truck, grab their gear and rush into

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - FOYER

The crew race in to find Maya giving CPR to Lucy. Liv is sobbing uncontrollably while glomping on to Xander.

LIV  
Mom?! Mom?!

PARAMEDIC 1  
What happened?

XANDER  
(softly)  
She collapsed and stopped breathing.

PARAMEDIC 2  
(To Maya)  
We'll take it from here Miss.

Maya steps away from Lucy and the paramedics take over in a frantic pace. Medical jargon is tossed back and forth between them as one paramedic inserts a tube into Lucy throat and another one pulls out the paddles.

PARAMEDIC 2  
Clear!

We hear the sound of the paddles going off. Liv buries her face into Xander's chest. Maya and Xander watch on in horror.

PARAMEDIC 1  
I've got a pulse.

PARAMEDIC 2  
Let's get her in.

Liv gasps almost in relief and looks at Xander.

XANDER  
(softly)  
Go.

Maya takes Liv by the hand and they follow the paramedics as they put Lucy on a gurney and put her in the truck. Liv looks out the window at Xander who stands on the porch as the truck races off into the night.

Xander turns around and walks back into the house and slowly goes to

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BASEMENT

Xander slowly walks down the steps of the basement and turns the corner where Amy is gagged and tied up against the wall. Jordy is looking at Amy with clear hatred. Iggy/Audrey has a look of indifference on her face.

XANDER  
(Quietly)  
Can I take the gag off?

AUDREY  
Yes. She is blocked from her master's power here with these sigils.

Xander nods and steps in front of Amy. He gives her a cruel grin.

XANDER  
You and I? We need to talk.

He pulls down on the gag from Amy's mouth. She sneers at him and almost laughs.

AMY  
Is this how you treat all your girlfriends? Better get it out of your system because she's gone forever.

XANDER  
What did you do to her?

AMY  
(sneers)  
Like I'd tell.

XANDER  
I'll do whatever it takes to find out.

AMY  
You don't have it in you. She's gone

The cruel grin returns to Xander's face.

XANDER  
You don't know what I'm capable of.

Amy falters slightly at Xander's words and attitude.

AMY  
You wouldn't.

XANDER  
You want to find out?

Amy panics and her eyes turn black.

AMY  
Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!

Amy's form shifts and she once again turns into a rat and begins to scamper away. We pan up to Xander whose face is expressionless as he brings down his foot on the floor. Hard. We hear the sound of his foot stomping on the ground and the squeaking of the rat.

Jordy winces. Iggy/Audrey's expression doesn't change. Xander leans over and picks up rat!Amy from the floor by her tail where she squirms and squeaks.

XANDER  
(softly)  
You're not getting away that easily.

END TEASER

ACT I

INT. HOSPITAL

Lucy is hooked up to multiple machines and has a breathing tube in her. Maya and Liv sit and stare as a Doctor talks to them.

DOCTOR  
We currently don't understand what happened to her. Her heart shows no signs of a heart attack and there's no sign of a stroke. Was she doing any particular kind of activity before she collapsed?

Liv says nothing but continues to stare at her Mom.

MAYA  
Um. No doctor. She was fine before she collapsed. Is there anything else you can tell us?

DOCTOR  
I'm afraid not. Is there a family member or anyone you need me to contact?

Liv shakes her head. The doctor gives her a sympathetic look.

DOCTOR  
If her condition changes I have instructions for the nurse to page me. If you have any questions please have me paged, Okay?

Maya and Liv sit in the room as the sounds of the machinery continue to run as Jordy enters.

Liv and Maya look at him hopefully but he shakes his head.

MAYA  
She wouldn't talk?

JORDY  
That's one way of putting it. Watching her transform into a rodent is another.

MAYA  
What are we going to do?

Liv walks over to her Mom and grasps her hand.

JORDY  
Xander's working on it. Iggy... Audrey... Whatever she is thinks her whole souly-manna-life essence thing was sent elsewhere.

MAYA  
Elsewhere?

JORDY  
Yeah. Xander's trying to figure out where it is.

MAYA  
What's he doing now?

JORDY  
He said he knew a guy who might know something.

INT. DEMON BAR

A body is hurled into the wall and then crashes to the floor. WHISTLER shakes his head as though trying to clear it and glares.

WHISTLER  
That was totally uncalled for.

XANDER  
You knew something like this was going to happen.

WHISTLER  
(brushing himself off)  
So did you stud. No reason to go tossing me around.

XANDER  
What happened to her?

WHISTLER  
You think I know?

Xander doesn't say anything but just "looks" at Whistler. Iggy/Audrey suddenly appears behind Xander.

AUDREY  
(clipped accent yet a bit of Audrey slipping through)  
He totally knows something.

Xander give Iggy/Audrey a weird look and then continues to stare at Whistler as he pulls himself to his feet.

WHISTLER  
You don't want to go there.

XANDER  
You know I am.

WHISTLER  
You know you're risking?

Xander just sits and waits. Whistler gives Xander a troubled look and heads to the bar where he pours himself a drink.

WHISTLER  
Fine. You need to see an old friend.

XANDER  
Where?

EXT. A COUNTRY CROSSROADS

Xander is pulling a bottle of rum and a box of cigars from his pack as he kneels on the ground.

AUDREY  
Your attempt is for naught.

XANDER  
You don't know how amused I am that you are using the word naught. Or at least coming from that body.

AUDREY  
He will not help you.

ELLEGUA (OS)  
I do as I please Iqghira.

Xander and Audrey turn to see ELLEGUA lighting up one of the cigars.

ELLEGUA  
Especially when someone finds Cubans for me.

AUDREY  
He wants to retrieve someone from beyond the veil.

Ellegua looks at Xander with concern.

ELLEGUA  
And you think I have that kind of power.

XANDER  
She was taken wrongfully and by magic.

AUDREY  
You have already upset the balance of things many times Watcher.

ELLEGUA  
This is very true.

XANDER  
She was taken by a minion of Nuggano.

ELLEGUA  
This is no concern of mine.

XANDER  
I'll give you whatever you want.

A scary grin crosses Ellegua's face.

ELLEGUA  
There's a lot of things I want.

XANDER  
Name it and it's yours.

ELLEGUA  
You already owe me one favor. Are you sure you want to barter for another?

XANDER  
I need to get her back.

Ellegua studies Xander for a moment then nods.

ELLEGUA  
Fine. You need to go to one of the Davarius. Luckily one of them is stationed here in the area, but they cost they have for passage is steep.

XANDER  
I don't care.

AUDREY  
If you continue on this path-

Xander pulls out a taser and zaps IGGY/AUDREY. She screams and falls to the ground.

ELLEGUA  
Are you sure about this Watcher?

XANDER  
What do these Davarius people want?

Ellegua chuckles as he puffs on his cigar.

ELLEGUA  
I didn't say they were human.

Xander tilts his head somewhat at the figure in front of him.

XANDER  
Fine. Then I just want to know thing.

ELLEGUA  
Where she is?

XANDER  
Exactly.

Ellegua just smiles.

ELLEGUA  
You're not going to like it.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

Liv has collapsed in a chair next to her mom's bed where she has fallen asleep. Jordy comes in with three cups of coffee and hands one to Maya.

JORDY  
How's she doing?

MAYA  
She hasn't said anything since we left the house.

JORDY  
Do you think that...

MAYA  
I don't know. I don't know what could have happened.

JORDY  
So the only thing we can do is...

Maya leans up against Jordy.

MAYA  
Wait.

The camera turns over to Liv who is fast asleep. Suddenly her eyes snap open and she is in the HOSPITAL ROOM but the bed is empty. Giles stands over the bed in a doctor's outfit taking the pulse of someone who is not there.

GILES  
Her vitals are steady but there's no room for improvement.

LIV  
Where's mom?

GILES  
(with the patented hairy eyeball)  
Right here of course.

Liv looks at the empty bed and then back at Giles who is now listening to the empty space with a stethascope.

GILES  
(Off Liv's look)  
Well you can believe it with your own eyes or just trust what other people are saying. Now move along young lady. Your mother is due for her sponge bath.

Liv gives him a puzzled look and wanders out of the room into...

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S - HALLWAY

Liv watches as kids from her school wander by with a confused expression on her face.

VOICE (OS)  
Liv!

Liv turns to see BRAD. He's wearing his regular letterman's jacket and high school gear.

LIV  
Brad?

BRAD  
In the flesh. So to speak. Got to thank you for the whole excommunication thing. Totally rocked.

LIV  
Exorcism.

BRAD  
Yeah. That too. Thank God you didn't try the gypsy thing. I look horrible in black and I hate to brood.

LIV  
What are you-

BRAD  
Doing here? Oh right.

Brad starts digging through his backpack.

BRAD  
Something is about to happen. I forget what it is.

LIV  
Something already happened.

Brad continues to dig through his bag pulling out weird items like stakes, guns, stuffed monkeys, etc.

BRAD  
Oh no, not that. Something else.

LIV  
What is it?

BRAD  
I forget. I wrote it down though.

LIV  
Can you remember anything?

BRAD  
Just that it's going to change everything. Oh! And you have to stop it.

LIV  
Well that's a big case of "Duh!" Brad! Come on! What do I have to do?!

BRAD  
(Slapping his forehead)  
Oh that's right. You have to stop... Damn. What's his name?

Xander rushes down the hallway practically knocking Liv into the wall without noticing.

LIV  
(calling out)  
Xander?

BRAD  
That's it! That's the guy!

Liv rushes by Brad to follow Xander only to be stopped by Prinicpal Snyder.

SNYDER  
Uh-uh-uh. No way Missy. Where he goes you can't follow.

LIV  
But!

SNYDER  
Look! I've had my fill of you kids with your hair and your slaying and your REM Speedwagon.

LIV  
(confused)  
What?

SNYDER  
You sure you want to go after him? Stop him before he goes too far? Destroy his plans and dreams and crush him like the smelly little rodent he is?

LIV  
I've got to do something!

An evil grin crosses Snyder's face.

SNYDER  
Then what are you waiting for?

Snyder steps aside and Liv runs after Xander. Xander rushes around a corner of the hallway. Liv follows him at top speed to see him disappear behind a door. Liv kicks open the door to...

INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE

A giant vampire is strapped to the patient chair. He is growling and snapping as though out of control and insane. Xander is wearing a doctor's smock and looking at x-rays of the vampire's teeth while Maya stands next to him in a nurses outfit. Liv looks around in confusion. Again.

LIV  
What the hell?

MAYA  
What now doctor?

XANDER  
What this guy needs is a root canal.

The vampire growls and snaps his teeth at everyone. Xander just gives him a small scary grin.

XANDER  
A long. Slow. Root Canal. Open his shirt.

LIV  
Xander? What are you doing?

Xander and Maya ignore Liv. Maya pulls open the vampire's shirt. Xander pulls out a scalpel which gleamsin the light.

LIV  
Xander? what are you doing? You don't need that for a root canal.

In the background the vampire begins to scream.

MAYA (OS)  
Doctor? The patient is prepped.

Liv turns to see that three silver crosses have been placed on the vampires chest in a triangle formation. Smoke is coming off his body and a sizzling sound is heard. Xander walks over and smiles at Liv.

XANDER  
What do you say? Let's open up this sucker and crawl inside.

Liv looks on in confusion as Xander starts to cut into the vampire. A bright light is seen coming from the vampire's chest as we are swept along into the vampire's open and screaming mouth.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

Liv jerks awake with a sudden intake of breath. Maya and Jordy stir and look at her.

MAYA  
What's wrong?

Liv looks over at her Mom to make sure she's still there and then back at her friends.

LIV  
Xander!

JORDY  
What about him?

Liv is frantically grabbing her stuff together.

LIV  
I think he's going to do something.

MAYA  
Well he usually does-

LIV  
(serious)  
I think he's going to open the hellmouth.

Jordy and Maya look at Liv with a stunned expression as we...

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. FONTAINE BASEMENT

Liv stomps down the steps and starts going through all the various lockers followed by a very concerned

Maya and Jordy.

JORDY  
Liv, I know Xander's pretty upset but do you really think he'd do something like this?

MAYA  
Yeah, I mean he's a bit of a goof at times but he's not insane. Maybe it was just a weird dream you had.

Liv is tearing up the room pretty well at this point. She starts to pull back a bookcase from the wall

revealing a safe behind it. She starts to work on the lock.

LIV  
Look, this wasn't a normal dream, okay? This was one of the big ones. I know it.

JORDY  
But still, Xander? Open the hellmouth?

The safe door clicks and Liv opens the door where she stares at it for a while.

LIV  
Yeah. That's exactly what he's going to do.

MAYA  
What?

Liv moves away from the safe and starts putting on her slayer garb.

LIV  
The crosses. The ones Brad was going to use to open the hellmouth. They're gone.

Jordy and Maya share a look.

MAYA  
Well, maybe he-

LIV  
Yeah, he didn't.

JORDY  
I'm sure he had a pretty good reason for taking them.

Liv stops cold as she pulls open the weapons locker.

LIV  
That's not the only thing he took.

INT. abandoned warehouse

Xander makes his way through the warehouse and around some abandoned equipment.

VOICE (OS)  
Watcher.

Xander turns and we see the speaker. A giant red-skinned demon with horns and partially missing skin on his face exposing the bone underneath. His legs, however are covered in fur with cloven feet.

XANDER  
Are you Urkonn?

URKONN  
I am.

XANDER  
You have what I'm looking for?

Urkonn holds up a talisman on a chain.

URKONN  
Do you have my... fee?

Xander reaches into his pack and pulls out the Scythe.

XANDER  
You mean this?

INT. DEMON BAR

Whistler is once again thrown against the wall.

WHISTLER  
Ow! What is it with you people tonight?

LIV  
Where is he?

WHISTLER  
I don't know!

LIV  
Look. I know you know something about what's going down and what he's up to. So you can either tell me what you know or I can start breaking your fingers.

WHISTLER  
Tough talk. You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Liv's fist immediately connects with Whistler's nose with a satisfying crunch. He cries out in pain and grabs his nose

WHISTLER  
Okay. Poor choice of words.

LIV  
Where is he?

WHISTLER  
(groaning)  
The where isn't important. It's what he's doing that's going to be a problem.

LIV  
I know what he's doing. I need to stop him before he does something stupid.

WHISTLER  
You sure about that?

LIV  
I saw what he wanted to do. I don't believe it myself but I can't let that happen.

Whistler grunts in pain but gives Liv a curious look.

WHISTLER  
I don't think you know the whole story.

LIV  
I know he's about to-

WHISTLER  
Don't you understand what happened? Your Mom? She got damned to hell.

Liv stops cold and stares at Whistler.

WHISTLER  
Your watcher? He's trying to get her back.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

Xander is putting the talisman around his neck.

XANDER  
How am I going to find her once I'm on the other side?

URKONN  
We have arranged for a guide to meet you.

XANDER  
Will he be wearing a rose on his lapel?

URKONN  
The guide is known to you. He will take you to the void. You know that you still need a catalyst to open the portal.

A dark look crosses Xander's face.

XANDER  
Yeah. I got that covered. I think the better question is "How do I know I can trust you"?

If a demon with half his face missing could smirk? He'd be doing so right now.

URKONN  
Do you have a choice?

Xander says nothing but gazes at the scythe in Urkonn's hands.

URKONN  
You want to know what we'll be doing with this?

XANDER  
Thought crossed my mind.

URKONN  
Would it make you feel better to know we were destined to take this artifact from you?

Xander looks at the scythe one more time then starts heading for the door.

XANDER  
Actually? I could really care less right now.

EXT. Entrance to the CAVERN

Liv exits the cavern and pulls out her cell.

LIV  
Maya? You there?

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Yeah. I'm here.

LIV  
What have you found out?

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Nothing. Jordy's checked the other spots in town and we haven't found anything.

LIV  
Great. He's not here. Yet.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
What do we do now? If he has the crosses and the scythe then...

LIV  
Yeah. I know.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Are you sure you want to stop him?

Liv says nothing.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
I mean he's trying to save your mom, Liv.

LIV  
You don't think I know that? But he's going to open the- JESUS! I can't think about this.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
I know. What are we going to do?

Liv looks around at the cavern. She closes her eyes and lets out half a sob.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Liv?

Liv takes a deep breath and let's it out.

LIV  
We're going to do the only thing we can do. I'll call you back in fifteen minutes. If you hear anything from Jordy, yell.

Liv cuts off the call and stares at the phone for a few seconds before dialing a number.

INT. BEDROOM SOMEWHERE

Close on a phone that is ringing. A hand reaches out from beneath the covers and pulls the phone in.

VOICE (OS)  
Hello?

There's a long pause and the muffled sound of Liv's voice sounding slightly hysterical.

The body shoots straight up in bed revealing that it is Buffy Summers.

BUFFY  
What?! Okay! Okay! Don't worry!  
There's a frustrated yelling from Liv on the other end of the phone.

BUFFY  
Okay! You're allowed to be worried. Just... I don't know! Okay! Just hang tight and we'll do something. Okay? All right. Bye.

Buffy slaps her hand on the end button and immediately begins to redial.

BUFFY  
Will? It's me. Xander's in trouble.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. FONTAINE LIVING ROOM

Xander enters the house in a rush and is stopped by a familiar voice.

GILES  
Hello Xander

Xander looks up and "sees" Buffy, Willow, Giles, Dawn, Liv, Maya and Jordy sitting around the room.

XANDER  
Hi guys. Where's the apocalypse?

No one says anything.

XANDER  
Somebody decided to call in the big guns?

WILLOW  
Xander, we're here because we're worried about you.

XANDER  
(referring to Spike)  
Even him?

SPIKE  
I'm here to kick your butt... if necessary.

XANDER  
You're welcome to try.

BUFFY  
Xander... We're not here to threaten you. We're here to help you.

XANDER  
Oh really. Why is that?

DAWN  
Well... You haven't been the exact picture of sanity lately.

XANDER  
What are you saying?

BUFFY  
We know about the crosses Xander. And the scythe.

Xander glares at Liv. Liv slinks down between Maya and Jordy.

XANDER  
You have no idea what this is about.

GILES  
Xander, everyone in this room has gone through a similar situation.

XANDER  
Oh yes and you've all handled all so well.  
(to Buffy)  
Run away and abandon your friends  
(to Dawn)  
Try to raise the dead so you could have a zombie Mom  
(to Spike)  
Imprison me in a basement because your vampire lover dumped you for a demon with snot antlers.  
(To Giles)  
Running off and trying to kill Angelus? And hey Giles, whatever happened with Ben?  
(To Willow)  
Oh, and let's not forget flaying the skin off someone in the woods and then trying to destroy the earth. Have I missed anything?

GILES  
Yes... well I admit that we haven't all handled it very well in the past but...

XANDER  
Look. I appreciate your concern... but this is something I have to do.

BUFFY  
No Xander. What you are doing is dangerous and reckless.

XANDER  
You have no idea what I'm doing.

WILLOW  
Xander we're not here to judge you. We're here for you. Like you've been here for all of us.

SPIKE  
Except me.

WILLOW  
Except for Spike and we really don't care about that at the moment.

Spike huffs.  
WILLOW

Xander. Please. Don't do this.

Xander is moved. Troubled.

XANDER  
Will... I...

Willow and Xander hug tightly.

WILLOW  
I know where you are Xander. More than anyone. You don't have to go through this alone.

 

XANDER  
Will?

Willow steps back and smiles at Xander.

WILLOW  
What?

XANDER  
I'm sorry.

Xander pulls out a stun gun and zaps willow. She falls.

Xander catches her and gently places her to the ground.

Dawn rushes forward to check willow.

DAWN  
What the hell did you do to her?

XANDER  
Stunned her.

GILES  
Xander... Why...?

XANDER  
Because I wasn't sure if this would affect her.

Xander pulls out a stun globe and throws it to the ground before anyone can react. Everyone except Xander is caught.

XANDER  
You didn't think this through, did you guys? You didn't think I saw this coming? Hello! Mr. Foresight. If you don't think I've thought this through... Well then... I guess you had it coming. I'm sorry. This is something I have to do.

Xander turns to his satchel and pulls something out.

XANDER  
Sorry Dawn.

Xander turns and holds up a long syringe like needle from his satchel.

XANDER  
This is probably going to hurt.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. HELLMOUTH CAVERN

Xander is setting up the spell to open the portal. Just as he takes out a vial of what appears to be blood, He stops and turns toward an outcropping of rock.

XANDER  
So... You're batting cleanup.

Faith steps out.

FAITH  
Should have known I couldn't hide from you.

XANDER  
So what happens now?

FAITH  
Can't let you do what you're doing Harris.

XANDER  
You have no idea what I'm doing.

FAITH  
Yeah, the blood, the crosses and the whole callous attitude. Let me guess... You're having a picnic.

Xander shakes his head and shuffles his feet in impatience.

FAITH  
Look... before this whole thing shakes down... I'm going to give you the same chance you gave me. The one I turned down. Remember?

XANDER  
You mean when I reached out to you and you tried to kill me? Yeah. Good times.

FAITH  
Yeah, kinda hoping you wouldn't focus on that part.  
(beat)  
Harris, in my entire life.... I can count on one hand the people who reached out to me. You did that for me. It's too late for me to go back and fix what happened, but I can be here for you now.

XANDER  
You're stalling.

FAITH  
Thought you could see everything.

XANDER  
All right. So you're reaching out to me... you really want to know what I'm going to do? Think you can handle that?

Faith falters

XANDER  
Come on Faith. You want to see what I have in store for the world?

Xander grabs her hand.

XANDER  
Take a look.

Xander grips her hand tight and focuses his "sight" on Faith. Faith visibly shakes and her eyes roll back into her head.

Xander lets go of her hand.

XANDER  
Now do you understand?

Faith crumples to the floor in a comalike daze. A bit of blood trickles from her nose.

Xander gently wipes the blood away.

XANDER  
Sorry. Didn't mean to show you that much.

Xander brushes a lock of hair from Faith's face.

XANDER  
Thanks for reaching out.

Xander turns back and walks into the middle of the triangle. He removes the stopper from the vial and begins to pour it around in a circle.

Liv, Buffy, Giles and Willow run into the cavern.

BUFFY  
Xander! No!

Xander stops briefly and looks at his friends.

XANDER  
Sorry, Buff. It's too late as it is.

Xander pours the last drop of blood from the vial which finishes the circle.

From beneath Xander the circle turns to a pillar of light. Xander screams as the light enrobes him.

Liv starts running toward toward Xander, but Buffy grabs her and holds her back.

LIV  
NO!

BUFFY  
You're not going in there!

WILLOW  
XANDER! GET OUT!

The light stops and Xander crumples to the ground. Liv pulls herself away from Buffy and runs to Xander's body followed closely by Willow.

Liv gets to the body first and rolls him over.

LIV  
Xander? Xander?!

Willow reaches the body and starts checking him over.

LIV  
(hysterical)  
Xander! Wake up!

Willow looks over at Buffy looking panicked.

BUFFY  
Will? What's going on?

WILLOW  
Buff? He's-

Willow chokes on the words.

LIV  
(hysterical)  
What?! WHAT?! He's WHAT?!

WILLOW  
He's dead.

Liv looks down at Xander and begins to sob.

END ACT IV


	18. Xander Harris Goes To Hell - The End

So anyone reading this here will find that I don't have a full script here. Just a summary. This series was something that I wrote years ago and decided to migrate to the Archive only recently. 

I had a lot of plans for this final episode but life got in the way. (Kids, work, etc) Also the BTVS comic kicked off and since that was considered canon, I felt like my whole series was fairly useless. Plus looking at my notes I realize now it was going to be way over the top.

Anyhow:

The Watcher: Season 2 - Xander goes to Hell

Teaser:

The scene opens up in a graveyard with Liv beating the crap out of some vampires and taking risks that she normally wouldn't have. Spike shows up where they have a conversation about how Liv is losing it. Liv threatens to dust Spike if he doesn't get out of her way. Andrew shows up then to talk to Liv as her "new watcher"

Liv essentially tells Andrew to fuck off. Her mom is in a coma and she only had one watcher and he's dead now.

We then comically cut to Xander waking up in an undisclosed location where he exclaims "Oh, good! It worked." Only to be told a second later that he's completely wrong. The camera pans over to see Jesse McNally, Xander's BFF from the first episode of BTVS.

End Teaser

Act I

Xander is standing and looking at his friend in disbelief. And *really* looking as Xander realizes his eyes are working again. Jesse explains that he's been hanging around Xander all his afterlife and working as a sort of Guardian angel. Xander scoffs and points out he's done a lackluster job with the whole guardian-thing and points to several points in canon where Xander was in mortal peril and almost died. Jesse retorts that Xander was the one who kept throwing himself into dangerous situations. Besides he caused so much trouble that he needed to have two guardians in order to protect him and Jesse wasn't on duty when most of that happened. Xander asks who the other guardian only to hear a bone chilling voice call out his name.

His second Guardian? Principal Snyder.

 **Xander:** Well. That explains a lot.

Cut to the land of the living, where Liv is ransacking the weapons to go out on patrol again. Maya shows up and tries to get Liv to see some sense. Liv is getting reckless and Maya is understandably worried about her. Liv is a wall of anger and refuses to let Maya talk sense to her. Liv is about to stomp out to go on patrol again when Maya asks if "Liv is going to be there."

Liv stops in her tracks. As it turns out today is the last day Lucy is supposed to be on life support. Her living will was very specific about how long she was supposed to be kept alive. Liv says she can't handle being there. Maya talks about how they both need to be there and Liv storms out. Meanwhile from the window we see a demonic looking figure watching through the window at the interaction.

We cut back to Limbo (Because that's where Xander is) where Xander is in the middle having a frank conversation with his two "guardians". Jesse is warning Xander that what he's about to do is very dangerous and there's very little of a chance that he'll be able to go back to the world of the living. Snyder makes a comment about the conversation is fruitless because "Harris has always been a pain in the ass and will do whatever the hell he wants."

Xander for once agrees with Snyder. It's a weird bonding moment and they agree never to admit that again.

Xander asks what his next steps are and Jesse explains that he is in Limbo and that both Guardians can take him to the boundary he needs to cross over to rescue Lucy soul. However the guardians can only take him to that part and he'll have to find another guide. Xander jokes and says that he's making this up as he goes along so let's get moving.

Cut back to Liv on patrol. She's making her rounds when she runs into Audrey who still has "Iggy" (the African Shaman) living inside her head. Audrey is becoming a bit schizoid with the two personalities but manages to warn Liv that she has seen ill portents and believes there are demonic forces at play which wish to open the hellmouth. Audrey warns "Freakshow" that her recklessness must be curbed and re-forge her bonds with her teammates if she expects to keep it closed.

Liv rebuffs Audrey/Iggy and states she can handle this on her own.

Cut back to Limbo. Xander, Jesse and Snyder approach the "Edge" which is a literal white line bordering what appears to be one scary cluster of hell. Jesse and Snyder can't do anything else for Xander once he crosses the line. Jesse wishes Xander luck. Snyder admits he'd like Xander to die so he wouldn't have to save Xander's ass anymore.

Jesse asks how Xander is going to navigate hell. Only someone who had demonic heritage can cross the line and help him over there. Xander admits that he was hoping a certain someone would show up but wasn't sure if it would happen. Jesse asks who that would be.

And that's when Anya shows up all "Fine. I'm here. Let's get this over with."

End Act I

Act II:

 **Snyder:** Oh. Look. It's the ex-fiancee who was once a demon. Going to save Xander's current girlfriend. This shouldn't be awkward at all.

[I'm just going to break the summary at this point to note that I always liked Snyder. I found him evilly delightful.]

Xander and Anya step over the line into hell. As Anya begins to guide him she complains how she's dead and hanging out in Limbo. Why didn't Xander ever endanger the world to save her? Xander is very cryptic at this point saying there's more on the line here than Lucy just being his girlfriend. Anya rolls her eyes and leads him on into Hell avoiding whatever demons they can. She reminds Xander that to get Lucy's soul out, Xander has a price to pay. She asks him if he knows what it's going to cost him and if he's willing to pay the price. Xander says he made it this far. He's not going back now without Lucy. He asks her to hurry this up because the longer he's down here the more things can get screwed upstairs before he gets back.

Cut to Lucy's hospital room. There's no dialogue as Jordy and Maya stand by the hospital bed along with several other adults and staff and Andrew. The life support is turned off and removed. There's the all-so-tropey long drown out beep which is turned off. Lucy dies. Maya bursts into tears and seeks comfort from Jordy.

 **Maya:** Liv should have been here.

Turns out Liv was there. Just out in the hallway. She cracks and goes into a stairwell where she breaks down into sobs.

Cut to the Hellmouth site. Audrey/Iggy is trying to perform some kind of rite when the demon who was lurking outside of Liv's house shows up. The demon knows that Audrey is trying to "plug the crack" that was made and the demon is there to stop her so he can open the hellmouth and "have some fun." Audrey/Iggy try to fight with the personalities conflicting with each other at one point, giving the demon a drop on her. He kills her and leaves her body on the hellmouth.

End Act II

Act III

We open on Xander and Anya battling a demon and managing to dispatch it through teamwork. Xander gets hurt in the process and Anya warns him that it's only going to get tougher from here. Xander stands up and keeps moving.

Cut to the Hellmouth.

Liv has gone into reckless mode again and storms into the cave to find... Audrey's body. She's stands there stunned and flips out when Jordy appears beside her. He manages to calm her down and get Liv to talk. Liv finally admits she's out of control. She feels lost without her mom who has been Liv's only stable thing in her life since becoming slayer. Now that she's gone she's not sure who she can rely on.

Jordy reminds her that she has friends. That Maya will always be there for her. That even though Liv is at odds with the council and Faith, they will be there for her despite what happened with Xander. And finally he says he'll be there for her.

Liv breaks down and hugs Jordy. He hugs back. It's a tender moment that turns into that tropey tension we all love and then Liv and Jordy kiss.

[Okay. Break in the summary here. I was writing and planning this before Twilight and Hunger Games came along with the whole teen romantic triangle thing. Or at least I didn't read those books before I wrote this. Plus it's not like anyone else hasn't done this stuff before. So forgive me for the overused loved triangle please. I'll never do that again.]

So anyway... they kiss. And of course Maya shows up and flips out.

[See above about this trope and me never doing this again]

Cut To HELL! Xander and Anya finish battling another demon. Xander is looking pretty beat up. Anya asks if he really thinks he can continue. He doesn't have to answer as he SUDDENLY hears a familiar voice shouting for help. It's Lucy. Xander rushes end to find Lucy on a sort torture rack being used by demons who bicker about who's going to eat her entrails this time. Xander bursts in with Anya and defeat the demons and release Lucy from the device. After a loving exchange of hugs between Xander and Lucy, Anya clears her throat.

 **Anya:** Hi. I'm Xander's Ex-demon lover. Who he never tried to rescue me from oblivion. Nice to meet you!

 **Xander:** I haven't missed these awkward moments with you at all by the way.

Lucy asks what they are going to do next, and Xander explains they are going home. Anya says that's all find and dandy but there's one thing they have to do first. She points behind him to what appears to be your typical spectre of Death. Big cloak. Scythe. Bony arms.

Anya: Time for that whole cost thing I was telling you about.

Cut back to the Hellmouth. Jordy, Maya and Liv are all screaming at each other in your typical love triangle argument. Maya smacks Liv and screams about being her friend and yells at Jordy about her being loyal. It's a big dramatic moment. Jordy steps forward and tries to act the peacemaker only for a giant sword to appear through his chest. Maya screams. Jordy falls over to reveal the demon who killed Audrey earlier. He smiles and rhapsodizes about how trivial love is in this world and explains to Maya she shouldn't fret because she will be seeing her boyfriend very soon. He raises the sword only to be blocked by Liv. She's got her groove back. Liv says that the demon will kill her friend over her dead body.

 **Demon:M** Suits me!

And as they begin an epic battle we cut back to Hell.

Xander is bargaining with the spectre, trying to explain that Lucy was wrongfully taken and that she needs to return to her world. Anya is translating for the spectre who says that won't happen. A soul cannot be taken without a replacement. Xander says he has a soul he's willing to give away. Lucy shouts and screams that he can't give himself up for her. Xander smiles and says that wasn't his plan. He reaches into his sack and pulls out a cage which contains Amy in her rat form.

 **Anya:** Yep. Saw that coming.

Anya continues to explain that while Amy's soul covers one cost, there's also a handling fee. And Xander has one thing that the spectre wants.

 **Xander:** Jeez. This is like dealing with an overdrawn account at the bank. With souls.  
 **Anya:** Duh. This is hell.

Xander has an idea what the fee is and agrees to pay. The spectre grabs Xander and he screams in pain as we see some energy being ripped from him. Lucy screams as well. Anya doesn't scream. She just kind of shrugs as if she expected it and doesn't see what the drama is all about.

Cut back to the Hellmouth.

Liv battles the demon but can't hold him off. He impales Liv into the wall and states he's going to keep her alive just so whatever is in the hellmouth can feast on her first. Maya tries to rush the demon but he quickly dispatches. He utters all sorts of magical words in a dramatic fashion as Liv cries and watches her friend die.

And we go to black.

And then we hear Willow's voice.

Willow  
He's dead!

The lights come up and we focus on Faith from the end of the last episode not long after Xander showed her a vision and then zapped himself to hell. Turns out the whole thing with Liv going nuts and everyone dying? The vision that Xander shared with Faith.

Yep. It's one of those episodes.

Liv is sobbing of course. Well, everyone is sobbing really except for Giles who is examining the site. Faith says he isn't dead. Everyone turns and stares at her. And then freak out when seconds later Xander coughs and sits up gasping for breath. Liv tackle-hugs Xander. She asks what he was doing. He explains that he'll explain later. For now Liv needs to go to the hospital and see Lucy. Liv is only bewildered for a second before she understands and runs out of the cave at slayer speed.

Xander's friends however are not so happy.

 **Xander:** I... guess I'll start explaining to you guys, now.  
 **Giles:** That would be nice, yes.

It's only then that everyone realizes Xander has BOTH his eyes back.

Cut to the hospital. Liv runs in Lucy's room to see her Mom alive and well with Jordy and Maya right beside her. There's another tackle-hug which turns into a group hug. Mother, daughter and the adopted family unit are together again.

End Act III

Act IV

Xander is standing out on the porch of Lucy's house arguing with Giles. It turns out that Xander not only traded Amy's soul for Lucy, he also gave up his visions as well. Along with trading away the scythe, stealing blood from Dawn and a half dozen other things Xander did wrong, Giles has little option but to fire Xander.

Xander looks inside the house where Liv and Lucy are sitting together, ignorant of what's going on the porch.

 **Xander:** I'm fine with that.

A bit later Xander comes into the living room where Lucy and Xander have the "talk". Lucy doesn't remember what happened in hell. But she remembers what happened before. She asks Xander for some breathing room. Xander is upset but understands.

He'll move out.

Cut to Liv's room. She and Giles have a conversation about Xander. Liv understands why Xander did what he had to do but isn't sure about how he went about it. Giles gives a speech about how he understand slayer and watcher loyalty and asks her if she can still be a slayer and report to someone else. She looks out the window where Xander is packing the car. She nods. She'll stay with the council.

Cut to Xander's car. He's packing his belongings in it. Faith and Jordy show up. Jordy has his stuff and is coming with Xander. Xander argues but Jordy is all:

 **Jordy** : Hey. Last I checked you're my guardian. That's not changing. Besides there's no way I'm moving to Vegas and live with Oz. I can't stand the desert.

Faith asks what Xander's going to do now that he's not a watcher. Xander says he's not giving up the fight. He spent most of his life fighting evil or watching Buffy fight evil. He's not going to stop just because he's fired. Faith nods and says to count her in. Xander is shocked.

 **Faith:** What? You ever forget I'm the original rebel slayer? The council is getting too boring and I'm sick of all the teenage drama going on there. What do you say, Harris? Think you can handle me as a watcher?

Off Xander's reaction we fade to black and we end the season.

End Act IV

If there had been another season it would have focused on Liv working with a new Watcher while Xander, Audrey, Faith and Jordy worked as a "Rogue" council. They would have worked and lived out of the Joke Shop that Xander would have obtained through his "severance package" from the council. If you've read "Pongo's Big Adventure", it's the same joke shop where Pongo saved his "sister."

Spike would have left town sometime after the season two finale.

The new watcher would have been somewhat like Wesley personality wise in his first appearance but with many more years on him. His name was going to be Desmond Pryce who had retired from the council but was recruited back by Giles to be Liv's watcher. However he returned with ulterior motives. He's not a big fan of what Buffy and crew did when they activated all the possible slayers. In fact he only came back to return everything to the status quo. Yep! He would have been the big bad of season three working on taking away the powers of all the slayers so there would be only one. I tried to lay some of the groundwork of this back in Liv's dreamwalk/interaction with the first slayer.

Maya would be a key figure in the season figuring out how to be loyal to Liv and the rogue slayer crew at the same time. She would eventually stumble across Desmond's plot with Audrey's reluctant help. Audrey would eventually lose Iggy's personality but would retain his memories as she progressed down her destiny to become a witch/shaman.

Eventually Xander would reconcile with Lucy and Liv. Once Desmond's plot was defeated they would go back to their normal family unit.

So. There you go. Ten years later and I at least wrote down the finale that I've had in my head. Looking back I realized I made a lot of mistakes on this series. I went to far with giving Xander powers. I used Lucy's apparent death as a means to push Xander to do things he normally wouldn't do. I wasn't aware of the concept of "Fridging" a character at the time but now that I do I realize it's not something I should have done. Also my cast was not very diverse. That bothers me a lot now in retrospect.

So. That would have been it for the watcher.

Thank you for reading.


End file.
